'nifty pac' was already taken maybe

Monstrous Sociopath Dick Morris Has New PAC With Dumb Name

Super pooperYou might think that it would be “cool” to have access to the Wonkette tip line, because you’d be privy to all sorts of political insider-y things before they hit the news! But in fact all you get are endless poorly spelled/punctuated screeds from nobodies and has-beens. One of the has-beens we hear from most often is Dick Morris, who used to be Bill Clinton’s Karl Rove, but then got fired for sucking prostitute toes, then went on to become a conservative gadfly for reasons that make sense to, well, him, we guess. Anyway, it took a long time for Dick Morris to notice that all the cool kids are starting PACs these days, but now he’s caught up and conned someone sober into filing the paperwork to start his PAC. All you need is an unrealistic goal and a name! Anyone have a name? A name for this … super PAC?

Oh, hell, let’s just call it the “Super PAC!” Wait, will people think it’s a Super PAC for Iran or something? Super PAC for America it is!

From the Desk of Dick Morris

Dear Fellow American:

America is at a crossroad, perhaps the likes of which we have never seen in our history.

That whole Civil War business was CHILD’S PLAY compared to this midterm election that nobody will remember ten years from now! Then it’s a bunch of blah blah blah about how Republicans can get a veto-proof Congressional majority if only you give Dick Morris money, which he 100 percent guarantees will not be spent on hookers with sexy toes.

Also, there is a picture of Ronald Reagan!

I'm dead, but I still approve this message

Dick Morris should be put in prison for degrading the good name of the word “super.” If this mediocre PAC/shell corporation is allowed to call itself “super,” how will PACs that actually have a chance in hell of achieving their goals differentiate themselves? By calling themselves “Super Duper PAC for USA America #1?” ["Super" PAC for America]

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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

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78 comments

  1. CZL

    Of course the current climate is worse than the Civil War. Now black people can participate in politics too, so White America has to be extra vigilant. Or something.

  2. prommie

    How about "Teens Against Santorum," an organization devoted to teaching and encouraging proper preparation and hygiene before anal sex? We could get funding from the lube and enema manufacturers. I believe it is possible to stamp out the scourge of santorum-stained sheets, no more mud on the helmet.

      1. prommie

        You and I know that, but a lot of the ladies are put off by the mess, we need to "clean up the image" of ass-fucking.

    1. bfstevie

      As a gross fetishy fat old white lecher I ask that you please note my objection to your comment.

  3. JMPEsq

    I remember SuperPac; it was far inferior to both the original and Ms. PacMan, and the flying gimmick was just stupid; Baby PacMan was better.

  4. JustPixelz

    [insert Reagan as PACMAN joke here]

    Is it just me or does that photo of Reagan evoke the socialist realism style of the mid-20th century? I feel like the caption should say "Produce more iron and steel to send to the front lines of national construction".

    1. freakishlywrong

      I was thinking that too. And how do you instill any confidence in today's unhinged Conservatives to use ancient Zombie Reagan as your inspiration?

    2. Preferred Customer

      Socialist Realism would never depict a Hero of the American Union as being that old and wrinkly. It messes up the bold lines, it's bad for morale, and anyway most people in the USSR didn't live that long.

  5. Ruhe

    Conservatards, Dick Morris has always been your ally. Support his new "Super Double Plus Good PAC". That is all.

  6. walstib

    Dammit.

    For the last time, the style guide clearly states you are to use "Hooker toes"

    Get with the game or GTFO.

  7. V572625694

    It's not nice to make fun of people because of a sleazy, greasy appearance or an unguent voice that make your skin crawl with its patent dishonesty. The sole exception to this rule of polite behavior is Dick Morris.

    And now I know why nothing I send to tips@wonkette.com ever sees the light of day.

  8. SayItWithWookies

    Because piggy-eyed greedy bastards don't get enough representation? Because Dick Morris doesn't spend enough time publicizing his interests on FOX News? Because the world doesn't suck enough without Dick shaking a few more bucks from Sean Assity's fearful, ignorant audience that he can give to his rich asshole friends who make odious commercials demonizing decent thinking people? To Dick there's nothing right with America that can't be fixed by what's wrong with America.

    1. freakishlywrong

      It does feel as though we are completely overrun by all manner of oily hucksters, charlatans and grifters. No wonder we're depressed.

  9. schrodingerscat

    I was thinking: "Pleas let it be DICKPAC, please let it be DICKPAC" – but you beat me too it.

  10. LionelHutzEsq

    I'm surprised you are criticizing Mr. Morris' PAC. Prostitutes that will fuck something that ugly don't come cheap.

  11. SaintRond

    FBI Special Agent Robert Kessler, the father of criminal profiling, wrote a number of papers about GOP operative Ted Bundy (the guy who popularized the bow tie look for young looking Republican males and emulated so successfully by the perpetually boyish Tucker Carlson). Kessler put a lot of focus on Bundy's foot fetish. He wrote that foot fetishism is a sexual attraction to body parts separate from actual human beings and that the end of the road for people who make a fetish out of feet is necrophilia.

    Anyone who looks at Dick Morris knows he's looking at something truly vile and disgusting. But they should also know that this swollen little intestinal parasite of a man is also a wannabe corpse fucker.

    1. smokefilledroommate

      If there's a SuperFudge PAC, there has to be a Deenie and/or BlubberPAC. Or just a big ol' PubertyPAC to cover all the bases.

  12. mumbly_joe

    So, we're saying that Dick Morris is a Super Pacman?

    I mean, he's almost certainly rotund enough.

  13. Extemporanus

    Since DickPAC's already been called, I'm going with my dumb second choice:

    ThisLittlePiggyPAC.

  14. Preferred Customer

    And isn't it "crossroads," because even though the "crossroads" is singular, you need more than one road in order for them to cross? You would think a conservative would know enough about crosses to avoid this kind of blunder.

  15. ttommyunger

    I can only imagine Ron "Crazy Eyes" Christy bobbing in and out of Morris' zipper trying to find his limp little goober…C'mon, you KNOW they're an item.

  16. lulzmonger

    This kind of thing calls for extreme measures.

    As of today, I am announcing the emergency formulation of LULZPAC – an organization whose donors will be relieved to know is solely For Teh Lulz & thus has no political agenda whatsoever. Tax-receipts will be issued by messenger-bat from a rented post-office box in Bermuda, at least until The Man catches on – so take advantage of this SUPER opportunity while you can!

    My Promise: Any & all LULZPAC funds will be strictly delegated to getting me massive quantities of killer weed, a harem of smokin'-hawt whores & enough fire-water to make WC Fields come back from the dead … rest assured, we will not sully our beautiful minds with matters political when there are so many finer things in life to focus on!

  17. caseoftheblues

    Hey your obowma is an idiot and you know it…reality bites doesn't it…getting harder and harder to pretend that your guys are not a bunch of corrupt self serving idiots with the unions as their masters…but hey whatever you need to do to sleep at night….good luck… just keep slinging your insults as we laugh and laugh at how upset you are!!!

Comments are closed.