Glenn Beck Glad Some Family's House Burnt Down, Restores Honor and Hope

If you haven't heard the worst news of the week yet: Some Tennessee firemen sat around and watched as a family's house burned to a crisp, because somebody forgot to pay their $75 Fireman Subscription! Glenn Beck knows that the real victim here is the fire department, which had to waste countless hours driving all the way out to this home just to watch it burn to the ground. And also obviously Glenn Beck has zero compassion for people who don't pay their $75. This is in keeping with the noble Mormon tradition of Paying Your Dues. Joseph Smith, Jr. -- the guy who found the Goldline coins inscribed with underage polygamy erotica in his backyard/invented Mormonism -- would often go door-to-door, asking his neighbors to pay their "$75 Mormon Subscriptions."

"Mormon Subscription? But Joseph, I'm a Lutheran." And then Joe Smith would marry their 12-year-old niece and burn their house down, amen.

Here's the pollution this monster released into America's airwaves:

BECK: This is the sort of argument that Americans are going to have.

GRAY: It is.

BECK: And it goes nowhere if you go onto "compassion, compassion, compassion, compassion" or well, "they should’ve put it out, what is the fire department for?" [...] If you don't pay the 75 dollars then that hurts the fire department. They can't use those resources, and you'd be spongeing off your neighbor's resources. [...] It's important for America to have this debate. This is the kind of stuff that’s going to have to happen, we are going to have to have these kinds of things.

But did Joseph Smith and the Book of Mormon really teach Glenn Beck that Compassion is a mortal sin? We were under the assumption that the Book of Mormon is a book of peace and polygamy sexytime (and also includes the complete Mormon Tabernacle Choir discography?).

The real reason Glenn Beck hates all living things is because the dude used to put cocaine in his nose, constantly. You know what this means, yes? It means Glenn pawned his own grandmother for coke, and when he ran out of money -- which happened regularly -- he would sheepishly knock on his drug dealer's door and ask for "a little compassion."

And then the cocaine dealer would tell Glenn to get on his knees, to receive an entire mouthful of compassion. Yup, Glenn Beck learned how to put those Turtle Lips to use, and also he died on the inside.

So please, people: Be more understanding. "Compassion" left this man long, long ago. Honestly, it's a miracle Glenn Beck isn't arguing that Americans who don't pay their $75 Fireman Dues should be stacked neatly into human "Abu Ghraib" pyramids, covered in kerosene and then lit ablaze -- because you know, "we are going to have to have these kinds of things."

But also, maybe this sad debacle is just another sad chapter in the never-ending "We Must Resist Taxation!" saga, because apparently taxes do nothing for anybody, except maybe occasionally put out fires/build roads/provide the basic modicums of civilization. Also, taxes would put cokeheads in jail, so maybe THAT's the real issue here!

When Glenn Beck opens his dumb mouth to say something dumb, just remember that there was once a cutlet of salty man meat in that mouth-hole, and Glenn Beck had to pretend to like it, or else "no cocaine." [ ThinkProgress ]