Glenn Beck forgot to pay his parking ticket. I guess we'll just have to burn his house down?If you haven’t heard the worst news of the week yet: Some Tennessee firemen sat around and watched as a family’s house burned to a crisp, because somebody forgot to pay their $75 Fireman Subscription! Glenn Beck knows that the real victim here is the fire department, which had to waste countless hours driving all the way out to this home just to watch it burn to the ground. And also obviously Glenn Beck has zero compassion for people who don’t pay their $75. This is in keeping with the noble Mormon tradition of Paying Your Dues. Joseph Smith, Jr. — the guy who found the Goldline coins inscribed with underage polygamy erotica in his backyard/invented Mormonism — would often go door-to-door, asking his neighbors to pay their “$75 Mormon Subscriptions.”

“Mormon Subscription? But Joseph, I’m a Lutheran.” And then Joe Smith would marry their 12-year-old niece and burn their house down, amen.

Here’s the pollution this monster released into America’s airwaves:

BECK: This is the sort of argument that Americans are going to have.

GRAY: It is.

BECK: And it goes nowhere if you go onto “compassion, compassion, compassion, compassion” or well, “they should’ve put it out, what is the fire department for?” […] If you don’t pay the 75 dollars then that hurts the fire department. They can’t use those resources, and you’d be spongeing off your neighbor’s resources. […] It’s important for America to have this debate. This is the kind of stuff that’s going to have to happen, we are going to have to have these kinds of things.

But did Joseph Smith and the Book of Mormon really teach Glenn Beck that Compassion is a mortal sin? We were under the assumption that the Book of Mormon is a book of peace and polygamy sexytime (and also includes the complete Mormon Tabernacle Choir discography?).

The real reason Glenn Beck hates all living things is because the dude used to put cocaine in his nose, constantly. You know what this means, yes? It means Glenn pawned his own grandmother for coke, and when he ran out of money — which happened regularly — he would sheepishly knock on his drug dealer’s door and ask for “a little compassion.”

And then the cocaine dealer would tell Glenn to get on his knees, to receive an entire mouthful of compassion. Yup, Glenn Beck learned how to put those Turtle Lips to use, and also he died on the inside.

So please, people: Be more understanding. “Compassion” left this man long, long ago. Honestly, it’s a miracle Glenn Beck isn’t arguing that Americans who don’t pay their $75 Fireman Dues should be stacked neatly into human “Abu Ghraib” pyramids, covered in kerosene and then lit ablaze — because you know, “we are going to have to have these kinds of things.”

But also, maybe this sad debacle is just another sad chapter in the never-ending “We Must Resist Taxation!” saga, because apparently taxes do nothing for anybody, except maybe occasionally put out fires/build roads/provide the basic modicums of civilization. Also, taxes would put cokeheads in jail, so maybe THAT’s the real issue here!

When Glenn Beck opens his dumb mouth to say something dumb, just remember that there was once a cutlet of salty man meat in that mouth-hole, and Glenn Beck had to pretend to like it, or else “no cocaine.” [ThinkProgress]

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  • V572625694

    Actually, Herr Beck, we just had that conversation, only the subject was health insurance. As directed by your owners, you were unalterably opposed to the concepts of community responsibility and pooled risk.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Beck is just trying to live out his Ayn Rand fantasies in real life. Now, you watch how quick he'd sue if a single blade of grass on his secure compound was torched because the FD couldn't get the trucks past the guardhouse promptly – or for the water damage caused to other parts of his house in trying to put out the fire.

      Beck and his fans are the epitome of self-delusional narcissists, convinced that every thing they've been given was actually earned by them hitting the DNA/timeline jackpot.

      • V572625694

        You mean inheriting wealth isn't the same as earning it? Blasphemy, sir!

        • JMPEsq

          Hey now, we have equal opportunity in America!

        • BerkeleyBear

          I'm not even talking about wealth, but all the inherent advantages of growing up white and anything other than dirt poor in America. I realize it is hard for people to get it but most of the world does not assume that jumbo size bags of Funions, subsidized educations and easy access to ridiculous amounts of credit are fundamental human rights.

          • Chet Kincaid

            What is this "easy access to ridiculous amounts of credit" of which you speak?

          • BerkeleyBear

            Sorry, sir, but your avatar suggests you are not eligible. It's not a racial issue, but the "risky behaviors" associated with your lifestyle choices that are at issue here and make you an unacceptable risk (like being apparently black and male).

            Now, if you'll just step aside so I can help this nice family of 4 finance their 5th car with the dealership for zero down so they can get on their way to their all-inclusive vacation at Beaches that they just put on their 17th credit card, we'd all appreciate it.

          • Chet Kincaid

            I thought Decent, Clean-Cut Merkins weren't even getting that deal any more. I am going to have start applying over the phone using my "white voice."

          • BerkeleyBear

            I can only comment based on the amount of junk mail pre-approvals I get (and the local car dealer's constant pitches), but it looks like we are back to early 2008 levels at least.

          • PuckStopsHere

            I like you, Mr.Kincaid. I spent my formative years being called "Chet" by my peers because I bear the surname of a fictional schoolteacher played by Bill Cosby. I find it interesting that I would cross paths with the real Chet Kincaide lo these many, many years later. I salute you and your "white voice".

    • ttommyunger

      Logic, reason, fact? Have you lost yours senses, man? This is the Beckster we're talking about here, the Mad Hatter of the Trailer Park_Chewing Tobacco set. Logic? We don't need no stinkin' logic!

  • 4TheTurnstiles

    Larry Craig sold coke, too? A very enterprising Wide Stancer!

  • I look forward to the teabagger paradise where we are free. Free from having a job, owning a house, having safe streets, and having good schools. Free at last. Free at last.

  • James Michael Curley

    Riley, you are starting to sound like Ken Layne and, why not?

  • Steverino247

    I guess the fire department didn't take Mastercard and the owner didn't have exact change.

    Interesting that they didn't act until the fire spread to a neighbor's house who had paid the fee. Illustrates the purpose of putting out fires in the first place: BECAUSE THEY SPREAD, YOU DIPSHITS!

    • V572625694

      Not in exurban America, where most wingtards live or would prefer to live. Each one wants to park his double-wide on half-acre plot with a six-foot chain-link fence around it, over which he can raise the flag of the Sovereign State of Me and My Guns.

      • lumpenprole

        The CA exurbs are surrounded by hills and windy valleys coated with fuel. Anyone who thinks that a fire can be just one family's problem and responsibility is probably too stupid to use a fork. We actually see hours and hours of news footage of fires racing up and around the hills of major cities every couple of summers.

        • Steverino247

          I have friends who have lost homes to those fires and I've come very close to being evacuated myself.

          And you're right about the fork. I would go with spoon, though, as it's really simple. See here:

    • ttommyunger

      Dipshsits indeed!

  • iburl

    On 9/12 everything changed. If 9/11 were to happen on 9/12 we would have lost 0 cops and firemen because they wouldn't have rushed to the buildings to help folks. They would have been like "how do we know all the people in there paid their bills?" This is the what the founding baggers envisioned. Well, that and if you don't have a dick, land, and white skin, fuck you.

    • gvvt

      That's really beautiful. That Tom "BigBag" Jefferson sure had a way with words.

  • Lucidamente1

    Liar, liar, pants on fire.

  • Terry

    He is a truly reprehensible human being. Not a single redeeming value. Remind me again why he has so many followers.

    • James Michael Curley

      You know who else had a lot of followers? Well, at least up until that night in the bunker.

    • GunTotingProgressive

      Because the followers are also reprehensible human beings…

    • ttommyunger

      Because there is no lack of morons in America. Never has been, never will be.

    • DoktorZoom

      I believe that is because they are truly reprehensible human beings who have no single redeeming value.

      Like attracts like.

  • DoctorAwesomus

    Also: when that libertarian acquaintance of yours starts going on and on about privatizing the fire department, you can now show them this story and scream, "DOESN'T WORK, JACKASS." Then slug them.

    • Terry

      Not to mention that privatizing community services ends up being more expensive per house hold than just having a well managed county or city based service. Note that I said well managed.

      • DoctorAwesomus

        Actually, "privatizing the fire department" is a perfect encapsulation of everything wrong with libertarianism:

        NATURE: Rarr! I am an unstoppable force that you cannot control! *burns things*

        HUMANITY: Crap! Well, it would appear that the sanest and best solution is to collaborate on an effective response mechanism, so that the negative effects of such completely predictable phenomena can be mitigated and so those effected can get back on their feet as quickly as possible.

        RESENTFUL JACKASS WHO NEEDS TO FEEL SMARTER THAN ANYONE ELSE: You don't need that! Charge 'em money!

        NATURE: RARRR! *burns everything*

        HUMANITY: You fucking asshole.

        RESENTFUL JACKASS: What's that? Sorry, I was browsing Reason on my phone. Did something happen? *chews on bag of corn syrup*

        • BerkeleyBear

          While we're at it, we can just bring back the private fire brigade system – where they sold the protection, set the fires, beat up any rivals who tried to put it out, put out fires only where paid in full, and used the chaos as cover to loot the whole neighborhood.

          Apparently those guys were also the muscle behind most politicos in big cities a century ago or so. That worked so well to ensure the people's voices were heard, after all.

          • Preferred Customer

            Can we have draft riots, too?

          • DoctorAwesomus

            How about a poll tax?

          • AutomaticPilot

            Ah, those were the days! We should deregulate the meatpacking industry while we're at it. Let the invisible hand contol it all. Then no safety measures will be taken until thousands become ill from gross meat. ("Gross meat" is the technical term.)

            Also. I know "meatpacking" and "invisible hand" might sound dirty, but I didn't mean it that way – I swear.

          • Gleem_McShineys

            "Then no safety measures will be taken until thousands become ill from gross meat."

            I submit to you that this very scenario is already happening:

            You see, there are thousands who follow this Beck slime creature and "there was once a cutlet of salty man meat in that mouth-hole"

            Gross meat, indeed, has sickened thousands.

          • AutomaticPilot

            Ah, I stand corrected!

          • JMPEsq

            You know how many salmonella and E. coli cases we've had over the past few years? It's been happening, and just took Bush stacking the FDA with folks who wouldn't enforce the regulations; they didn't even have to change any laws.

          • lumpenprole

            This guy is pretty famous for getting rich(er) running a fire dept like that.

          • NotYerGaryBusey

            Oops, I'll read first next time.

          • NotYerGaryBusey

            Worked well for Rome.
            Crassus (the progenitor of that system of fire fighting) is still in the top 10 list of richest men in the world, and he's been dead for 2000+ years. Well, he wound up dead in Syria from ingesting molten gold, but still. Good way to make a buck, right?

        • Kitty_Sanchez

          *chews on bag of corn syrup*



        • HELisforHEL

          Doc Awesomus you are truly uh…awesome.

      • Not to mention: It was easy for the homeowner's brother to show up later that day to the fire station, locate the fire chief and put him in the hospital with a sucker punch to the right parietal lobe. Sometimes the system of governance is designed to prevent the populace from putting the heads of the city fathers on pikes. Glibertarians and Paultards really don't get that part of the equation.

        • DoctorAwesomus

          Well, if only people would act "rationally" — that is, in easy-to-understand literal ways that the Aspergery-awkward folks can understand. Which is why it's galling to be lectured about human behavior by people who have no comprehension about the subject.

          • BerkeleyBear

            I have Asperger's (yeah, I'm high functioning, especially on the Internet), my son is autistic – trust me, Ayn Rand, Beck and the Tea Tards have nothing to do with "rational" behavior that we understand.

          • DoctorAwesomus

            Crap, well I feel like a tool. Apologies.

          • BerkeleyBear

            No harm done – just wanted to clarify that our issues aren't the same as being a bunch of twits who ignore reality in all circumstances. My son is quite literal but if he noticed a burning building (and he might not, admittedly) he'd wonder why the fuck the firefighters weren't doing anything.

          • DoctorAwesomus

            And not think, "well, the invisible hand of the market dictates…"

            Well, glad that I didn't offend. I've spent way too much time on the Internet, where the Venn diagram between "claiming to be on the spectrum" and "advocating lunatic ideas about people" looks way too much like a circle. Apologies once again.

          • This is an example of how the grown-ups resolve misunderstandings and conflicts on the Internets. Thumbs all around.

          • DoktorZoom

            Stop apologizing already! CARING IS WEAKNESS!!1!!!!!

          • DoctorAwesomus

            I'M SORRY, AUUUUUUGH

          • glamourdammerung

            I am not sure why you would feel like a tool. Most Libertarians I meet claim Asperger's. Of course, they are trying to use it to justify being useless pricks, but still.

            And of course, it is lame that people that actually have these issues might have problems getting support and help due to the lunatic fringe pulling that nonsense.

            Though I would never argue that Libertarians clearly have something wrong with them.

        • JMPEsq

          Did that actually happen? If so, awesome, and I hope there was permanent injury.

          • Yeah it did happen, but unfortunately the brother was arrested on assault charges, so it may prove to have been an expensive gesture. Maybe he will have grounds to bring a "temporarily insane by reason of my brother's house being allowed to burn down, killing all his pets" defense.

          • OneDollarJuana

            So can we go after the FD for animal cruelty? Also, where is the bbq sauce?

          • Missyb9479

            Did the fire chief pay his $75 police officer fee? If not then they shouldn't even come investigate.

          • glamourdammerung

            I actually got banned from a news site for asking that very same question.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            Here's hoping the socialistic jury finds the guy "not guilty on account of the fire chief being a dick."

    • Don't slug them! Set them on fire!

      • glamourdammerung

        I was thinking set their house on fire, but I guess that is just the way I roll.

    • GOPCrusher

      From what I heard of this story, the gentleman that owned the double-wide stated that he had paid the 75 dollars the last few years and chose not to pay it this year. So it sounds like this one particular libertarian was hoisted upon his own petard.

  • bumfug

    Which just goes to show that no matter how loony Glenn Beck is, at heart he's a really despicable bowl of fuck.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    The homeowners inadvertently called the "Fahrenheit 451" firemen.

  • Chet Kincaid

    People aren't going to wake up until it gets this bad everywhere.

    • ThePrincessPat

      I dunno… Here in PTO Momland where I live, I hear people talking about this. People who might not normally talk about this. I can see them thinking, now, too. At least, for the time being, anyway.

      • DoctorAwesomus

        Hey, it's that or property taxes.

        • HistoriCat

          Taxes bad!!!1!1! No taxation! Tea party forevuh!

          Eh – fuck it. Nothing gets through to these dumb assholes. They use publicly built roads, but taxes are bad. They want to "support the troops" but taxes are bad. They want to have everything taken care but don't want to pay for it because – say it with me – taxes are bad. I'm going to crawl in a corner and weep quietly now.

  • JMPEsq

    Maybe these courageous Objectivist firemen were trying to bring back the good old days of Free Market firefighting, as invented by Crassus of the First Triumirate, who created firefighting crews who would go to burning houses and offer to put out the fires if the owner paid them.

    • Ruhe

      Pay-as-you-go = Pay or we'll go?

    • PubOption

      Reminiscent of England, and probably the USA, in the 18th century, when all the fire insurance companies had their own fire crews. If the wrong crew was called out, not only would they not touch the fire, but also interfere if the right fire crew appeared.

      Of course, in the time it took for someone to run to firehouse, the fire had usually taken a good hold on the property.

  • Redhead

    So Glenn Beck supports the mob way of doing business? Eh, not as surprising as I'd have thought.

  • OneYieldRegular

    You hate mongering jerks just don't understand conservative compassionism.

  • Stacee

    And these are the same people who lecture us on character, compassion, morals, values and God.

    • Chet Kincaid

      Incredibly awesome avatar!

      • Stacee

        Chris Coons has a website where you can join to say O'Donnell is not you. That's where I got it.

        • JadedDissonance

          Needs moar blingee.

    • JMPEsq

      Character, morals and values are blindly following rules laid out in an old book for survival of nomadic shepherds, and compassion is socialism and therefore bad.

  • Is there some way to pay the fire department to let Glen's house burn? I would pony up an Amero or five.

  • Katydid

    I wonder if that human skidmark Beck believes half the shit he spews. He'll say anything for attention.

  • Sepatown!

    Thankfully we have someone to bring us their conspiracy-laden insane bedwetter insights. If there were no Glenn Beck, man would create one.

    • JadedDissonance

      I always pegged Beck for a bedwetter, something about his overly-earnest, gesticulative, verbal pauses.

      • JMPEsq

        Why do you have to insult our nation's bedwetters like that?

    • ttommyunger

      But he IS our creation. Uniquely American, sadly.

    • imissopus

      As Jon Stewart once said of Beck, "Finally, a guy who says what people who aren't thinking are thinking."

    • gvvt

      If there were no Glenn Becks the world would be a much less crowded place.

  • Wasn't that rally on the mall of his all about restoring the principles of faith to make this nation great once again? "Blessed are the tea-tards; I wouldn't piss on 'em if they were on fire."

    • twingonaut

      I would, but only if they had paid for it in advance.

    • ttommyunger

      I would, but they'd have to pay me $75.

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  • He had two options. Ignore the story because of its disturbing implications. Or double down on the crazee to draw more negative attention to himself. He chose the latter. It was the smart business decision.

  • freakishlywrong

    Don't all these hateful cock gobblers self identify as Xtians? In that case; WHWJLBD? I'm exhausted by these fucks.

  • prommie

    These are of course the original founding principles of our founding fathers, whom the tea-partiers are so fond of dressing up as, our founding fathers such as Ben Franklin, who founded the first fire department in Philadelphia. Yes, restoring Amurrica to the original values we imagine it had even though we are ignorant pigfuckers and have no clue what the original principles of the founding fathers were.

    • freakishlywrong

      That picture makes me want to punch my monitor. It's very "pull my fingah"…

  • chicken_thief

    I suspect that the Beckster still practicing polishing the knobs of various coke dealers just in case he ever suffers a relapse… but on a more serious note, perhaps too serious for the venue, how long before these teatards become aware of the "unfairness" of the flat fee system. What if, oh, someone did not call the fire department one year – do they have to pay the next? Or what if my house burnt down but you only had a grease fire on the stove? What if you had two fires and I only had one? Do folks with McMansions pay the same as those with efficiency apartments? In short, how is that system less commie fascist marxist than the current?!!!

    • The way I've seen it work is that there is a "taxing" fire district and they use assessed value, just like school taxes. But I've never – ever -heard of any situation where the department actually refused to put a fire out. It's almost incomprehensible, usually these guys run each other over to be the FIRST to put the fire out.

      Now one thing I've seen that makes sense is billing people for idiotic, frivolous calls – for example when morons set off their own burglar alarms and the entire local emergency services team has to respond at 4am because someone let the cat out. You can imagine the type of people who do this, usually on a regular basis…

      • NorthStarSpanx

        How about those home meth-labs that keep explodin? Palin's precious i'dil main street Wasilla would entropy just like her old church.

        These fuckin exceptional pioneers she wax's poetic about? Imported Dust Bowler's that brought with them their fair Libertarian values while being paid to move, given land, animals and commodities to 'tame' the Last Frontier.

        We Natives saw them coming and said, fuck, there goes the neighborhood.

    • iburl

      Obviously, the bigger the house the lower the fireman tax. We need rich folks to keep their homes because they are the engines of whiteness that keep America white. If Obamar Hussein Baraka wasn't such a hardcore Anti-colonial Communist, you'd see that. Besides, why should rich people have to pay for the fireman at all when we wouldn't even have an America without them? Hmm? Show some respect to God.

      • Kitty_Sanchez

        Wow. It just occurred to me that I could place your post, word for word, on a thread in, say, Free Republic or Yahoo, and nobody would think it was written in the spirit of snark.

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  • Serolf_Divad

    Glenn Beck has a history of laughing at people who lose their homes in fires, so this is no real surprise.

    • One gets the feeling that this prick started a few garages on fire as a youth, when he wasn't busy setting firecrackers off underneath frogs, that is.

  • and then Beck freak danced around his studio to Burning Down the House…

  • Sgt_Biyatch

    Actually, Beck is 100% right, according to Mormon doctrine. In the book of Abraham, which Joseph Smith bought from a traveling circus and then "translated" using Madlibs and "Hieroglyphics for Insane Dummies", it claims that the Native American Jebus would only help those who tithed regularly. "Verily, verily, I say unto you," Jebus Jr. sayeth, "no money, no honey."

  • BerkeleyBear

    Invest in gold. No civil services for anyone. No more handouts. Kick out the immigrants. Who cares what government does as long as it is in the hands of the right (white, male, native-born Americans) people.

    I think I finally got it – the TP and Beck got confused one night, and instead of their usual selections of "Roadhouse" and "Birth of a Nation" put "Gangs of New York" into their hive mind DVD player. Maybe if we can get them to put in another DiCaprio picture in they'll all jump into the mid-Atlantic and drown.

    • Chet Kincaid

      It's known as Scorsese's Ascent Of Man. The next stage after Gangs Of New York is Boardwalk Empire, when thoroughly corrupt Republican politicians control all commerce both legitimate and criminal, while giving heartwrenching speeches to good, Temperate Christian women. Oh wait.

      Well, we have the Jake LaMotta stage to look forward to, when after being pummeled relentlessly in the face by circumstances and our own stupidity, a dim, pinhole light of self-awareness emerges deep in our lizard brains.

  • BornInATrailer

    Awesome. Let's redo the whole Boss Tweed experience again.

    • hooray4anything

      It's been said before and it'll be said again– the Republican Party: Building that Bridge to the 19th Century

  • Cicada

    I just read that Cranick's pets died in the fire. I guess it's no longer hyperbole to say that Glenn Beck hates puppies.

  • mercianomad

    So let me get this straight. These people think everything should be privatized except roads/public infrastructure, police, and military, on the basis that they shouldn't have to be taxed for services they don't agree with or want. What if I don't want to pay for their military, police, or roads? Is there some argument from that quarter about this, or does it fall under the umbrella of "the founding fathers said so (!)" (who of course were monolithic and agreed with each other about *everything*)? The only thing keeping them from adopting anarchy as their preferred political position is that they need the government to confer on them the rights of property ownership and the protection of that property, which of course was obtained originally by our same government brutally seizing it from the sub-human indigenous populace that was originally here, then handing over the lands to people who "earned" them. OK.

  • Chet Kincaid

    The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire! Etc.

    Jeez, you guys are slow this morning.

    • BornInATrailer

      We just need some dollars or the motherfucker burns!

      • Chet Kincaid

        Too good!

  • mumbly_joe

    What a hateful twat. Of course, he's not really alone in his cackling with glee and clapping his hands at an egregious failure of basic public safety- all the usual suspects are right there alongside him. Seriously, these people are disgusting cretins, every last one.

    • prommie

      But if you try to tell people that, they'll say YOU are the crazy one.

      • mumbly_joe

        The funny thing is, the whole point of, "Nero fiddled while Rome burned" is that it was an egregious failure on the part of a government to secure really quite basic public safety for its citizens, that was met with oblivious indifference from officials.

        \But, nowoadays, we actually have motherfuckers in our polity who actually cackle with glee and applaud while shit burns, and who would love to see more of the same, even when it wouldn't actually even save them any money, actually.

  • JMPEsq

    While no humans were injured in the fire, the family's dogs and cat were killed, so these firefighters were also able to advance the wingnuts' pro-animal cruelty agenda.

  • You know who else enjoyed teaching lessons by lighting homes on fire?

    • BerkeleyBear

      Well, I don't know if you can compare the Reichstag with a home in Tennessee.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Johnny London? Ishiguru Tokyo? Bill Dresden? Frank Hamburg? Fuggit, I give up.

    • JMPEsq


    • GOPCrusher

      The Trashcan Man?

  • JMPEsq

    Besides Beck, a number of the usual libertarian cretins, such as at Reason and the National Review, are also supporting the town; that's the one good thing to come from this story I guess, that the Randians are proving that they are in fact evil sociopathic monsters.

    Not that those of us who've been paying attention didn't know already.

  • DeLand_DeLakes

    Yep, this is a conversation that the sad greasy sacks of this nation will find themselves having a lot, after they elect Republicans to "go Galt" on our asses and dismantle the remains of this country's infrastructure: "What, you don't know how to put out your own house fires/sanitize your own water/generate your own electricity/perform your own open-heart surgery?"

  • prommie

    Mormonism should be taken as a lesson in what we will be dealing with in 100 years if we allow scientology to continue to exist.

    • Troubledog

      This is awful news. Also, I thought we were supposed to have flying cars by now.

    • So true. My personal saying: What's the difference between a cult and a religion?

      100 Years.

  • Preferred Customer

    These fireman don't understand marketing very well, do they? Save someone's house and I bet you end up with a customer for life. Might even be able to get them to give testimonials about how important it is to buy your service.

  • DashboardBuddha

    I have to wonder why Beck is a mormon. Is it his wife that turned him or is it because the young men in the crisp white shirts got to his door before the scientologists?

  • WarAndGee

    I was disheartened to discover that the CPR class I took taught me nothing about how to collect money in compensation for the consumption of my muscular resources being applied to the victim's sternum.

    Please, don't collapse clutching your chest in my presence without showing me at lease a dirty 20.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Heck, that's the easy part. Just lift their wallet before you start.

  • dyspathy

    I hate to agree with Beck but…it's not like this guy was a hardship case. He just (oops!) forgot to pay his $75 annual fee so the town's fire department would protect his rural house. I guarentee he's didn't (oops!) forget to pay his monthly car insurance bill. In fact, I don't buy the "I forgot" excuse at all. I think this idiot is probably a teabagger who wasn't gonna give the gubiment another cent. Yeehaw!

    Sorry but if you want to live a rural lifestyle, you shouldn't expect the same ammenities for the same price as people living in cities and towns. A better solution here would be to let the department put out the fire and slap a lein on the property for the real cost of the run.

    This guys wants all the benefits of modern social contract without the bill. The fire department did show up and protect his (taxpaying) neighbor's property. I'm tired of floating the bill for these real 'Merican welfare queens.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      I agree with you that putting out the fire and putting on a lien would be the nest approach. Howsomeever, if this is a rural setting, there might be a jurisdictional problem with applying a lien.

      I still think they should have put out the fire and then billed him, rather than (among other things) letting his critters get crispy. Even malignant idiots deserve basic service infrastructure.

  • SayItWithWookies

    I heard his diatribe yesterday morning, and it's worse than you think (although predictable) — Beck went on to say that if you didn't have the $75, you should go to your church and offer to work for them until you could get the money. And of course your local church would have enough money, in times of recession, to hire the whole community so they'd have enough money to live. They might have to sell off a few gold brocade robes or precious artworks, but it's okay as long as you depend on the church instead of your government. So he's not just a libertarian — he's a libertarian who advocates for Dark Ages theocracy. Wheeeeee.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Unfortunately, the church just paid $100,000 for Sarah Palin to tell its congregation to vote against abortions, so, tough Jesus love, no money left for you. But come to think of it, if you don't have the $75 – listen up, people – get yourself down to that Baptist Mega-Church in Houston and demand the right to work for it – NOW. Tell them Glenn Beck sent you.

  • aguacatero

    I didn't realize Republicans loved taxes so much.

  • Put out the fire and then bill the tightwad at an exorbitant hourly rate. That's how a true free market solution would work.

  • Welcome to the Church of Glenn Beck. It's like Christianity, but without that fascist "compassion" thingy.

  • BombyMcGee

    It's very important to pay your $75 anti-death panel insurance.

    • H Curve

      Srsly. Are we gonna do this thing or what? My wand-hand is getting itchy…

  • Anthr_DCLwyr3d

    This is going to work great…so, like, when you don't want to pay into medicare anymore and your fat slobbery diabetic ass has a heart-attack, after you Rascal you're way to the ER they can just deny treatment, right?

  • Somehow, these clowns never seem to think any of their Draconian ideas will ever affect them personally. No way their daughters will be raped and forced to have the baby. No way they will ever stand around and watch their house burn down because they forgot to pay protection money to the fire department. No way they will never lose their job, their savings, their home and need help to survive because GOD will watch over them.

    When reality hit them square in the face it will be both funny and sad to watch.

    • ttommyunger

      They won't recognize reality then, either.

    • glamourdammerung

      Draconian laws would be an improvement to what these clowns advocate. They want anarchy for the rich and serfdom for everyone else.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Glen Beck has yet to deny that he killed his own mother in order to score some cocaine.

    How loaded with guilt his "soul" must be.

  • ttommyunger

    And he kinda liked it.

    • DoctorAwesomus

      That would go along way towards explaining the conversion to Mormonism.

      • ttommyunger

        AAAAA-Fucking-men, Brother!

  • HeraSentMe

    Republican firefighters standing around, watching your house burn down, because you didn't pay them ahead of time. – so many metaphors…brain overloading…

  • ttommyunger

    No one can justify this Fire Department's response. The Beckster must be taking this position for the press he knows it will generate. Then again, maybe he really is crazy. I always thought he was just a crass, opportunistic dickwad.

  • Kitty_Sanchez

    …Pretend to like it…??

    I dunno….I'm kinda thinkin this is still his preferred method of payment.

  • lumpenprole

    "…and also he died on the inside. "

    wow. Best mental image since I had that dream about the babysitter.

  • DoktorZoom

    And lo, the LORD spake unto the poor leper, saying unto him, "Thou hast not paid thy Fee of Curing? Get thee hence, Abomination!"

  • neiltheblaze

    I think Glenn Beck would look great roasting on a spit with an apple crammed in his mouth.

    • glamourdammerung

      It would be a waste of the apple.

      And the spit.

      • DoctorAwesomus

        Seriously. Do you know how much gristle is on that skeleton?

  • Gnatsum

    This is why I saved my hard-earned money and started my own fire department.

  • gvvt

    Hear, hear!

    • ttommyunger

      And Gadzooks!

  • hooray4anything

    I just saw a link to it on Baloon Juice (I think). The fact that insurance companies are offering it to rich people who think nothing wrong of doing it doesn't surprise me in the least. I, for one, welcome our eventual Banana Republic overlords

  • SarcasticNymph

    As always, the market has a solution to this problem:

  • Guppy06

    There's no room for compassion in a culture war.

  • PresBeeblebrox

    I urge my fellow Wonketteers to read Max Barry's dystopian SF novel Jennifer Government. It's about a completely privatized future. No government, no taxes. Child murdered? No investigation unless you pay the cops (privatized, of course, run by the NRA) and hire a prosecutor. Heart attack? Dial 911 and give them your Amex number.

    I wonder what Glenda would be saying if it was his house that was burning down. Hey, this is the guy who went on and on in a weird YouTube video about medical malpractice after he had a botched operation… but I'm sure he fully supports tort reform.

  • Gleem_McShineys

    I wonder if there are lucrative business opportunities in Dipshitville, Tennessee, for other protection-based service providers? I mean, I am pretty sure some business owners probably would gladly invest a little insurance money to protect against eh, those violent criminal elements out there, capisce?
    "You sure got a nice store here, Mister Cletus, it'd be a shame if something were to happen to it. You wouldn't want that none, wouldja?"

    I hope this little experiment in Libertardian ideals absolutely bankrupts everyone involved, from the mafia-style fire brigade to the fat fuck talking heads on the teevee.

  • DashboardBuddha

    It's probably too late for anyone to see this incredibly witty comment… Has anyone else noticed how close the word mormon is to the words mammon and moron?


  • Parker85

    This article was pretty good up until the point where the guy basically asked who would make the roads if it weren't for government. Well obviously roads would get made and more efficiently than right now. Thank god for the gov't making the roads that are a huge piece of crap, except those private roads which are maintained. Also if people are taxed for the fire department then why did this house burn down? So people are paying taxes for fire department services and then they have to pay $75 on top of that. I don't really understand.

  • PuckStopsHere

    Please, dear God, please tell me that picture of Beck is not a Photoshop but is, in point of fact, real. Please…

  • zhubajie

    Beck doesn't know this, but Mormonism was originally a socialist cult — what they called "the united order."

  • HistoriCat

    "we are all stuck with babies and burned down houses and schools in that system"

    Yes – paradise!

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