It was bad enough when the Messicans came across the border to steal our economy and manufacturing (migrant farming) jobs. But now they have turned into Horrifying PIRATES who ride around on JET SKIS killing Americans for no reason at all. This is according to Fox News, who had some dead guy’s wife on Fox and Friends this morning. Mexican authorities say this event never happened, but that’s probably because every single Mexican is a pirate currently on the water searching for Americans to kill.
Please please please tell us you watched this all the way until the end, when the woman says, “I want you guys to know that he really loved your show. He watched it every day.”
Lou Dobbs and Michael Bay should team up and direct this movie. [Fox News]
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Inside job.
I was thinking the same thing. In any case, the stated account makes no sense. They went to the trouble to retrieve the husband's body to conceal a murder that they left witnesses to? Suuuure.
Maybe they wanted to give it a proper Christian burial.
I was just reading where "questions are swirling" around this "alleged" story — sounds kind of like they are about to call BS on it.
So he was a Faux Noise viewer. How much you want to wager that he was screaming "YOU FUCKIN MESSICANS STAY OUTTA MY COUNTRY!" at the jet skiers right before they shot him?
Especially since he was in Mexico illegally at the time?
Every missing person in this country is clearly Obama's responsibility to find. Is he too busy kneeling down before foreign kings to organize a proper search, HRMMMM?
Well, it was Obama's responsibility to personally repair BP's oil well.
Why not ask Governor Good Hair for some assistance on this? He knows all too well how to secure them borders..Just ask him.
Plus the hugs, the unmanly, unReaganlike hugs. Ew.
It is an election year. But then again, Fox Viewer = one less vote for Good Hair.
Obviously Obama, Hillary, and Gov FagHair need to get up a Posse with..I don't know, maybe… CHUCK NORRIS and W! Woooo! POSSE4FREEDUMBZ!
That guy on the jetski, has a wet back.
Truth is funnier than fiction.
They sort of look alike. It's like a before and after shot. Not sure before what or after what?
Before meth. After meth. But wait, which is which?
Yeah, I couldn't tell which came first…
well as I see it, young widow bimbo is what Fox bimbo looks like before 5 hours of intensive makeup troweling/ hair fluffing/ spray tanning + expensive boob job
Before and after marathon DP session with Jose the pool boy and Raul the landscaper? (Too soon?)
Concerned bottle blond is concerned.
Concerned they'll find out she killed hur hubby.
"Mexican waters"? Since when do we allow Mexicans to retain ownership to a precious resource like water?
In any event, I suppose we should be concerned that the Mexicans have upgraded their navy from windsurfing boards.
Hey, the frat kids & their jet skis on Lake Austin & Lake Travis are just as troublesome. Sarah Palin will end up referring to them as ski machines.
"Water machines."
Somehow his head wound up in the AZ desert.
with a bullet hole in it.
The wife look kinda fake-y on the Today Show. Though, it might be hard to maintain genuine emotion when doing your press tour.
I thought the same thing.
Hard to feel too down with that spread they lay out in the green room.
Clearly he died of an overdose of cocaine.
But wasn't this the plot to Waterworld?
Killed by Smokers.
Reminds me of the guy in Boston a few years ago whose wife was "killed by black guys" or maybe Susan Smith, whose kids were "killed by black guys." Mexicans are the new black guys.
We live in "post-racial america" now, so it's not skin color, but citizenship that we use to gauge a person's respectability. The two are, of course, *totally unrelated*, as any wingnut can tell you!
Or the kid in Pennsylvania. He had a hit list.
But their food is so much tastier.
No question about it: We've been struck by Al Queda Frogmen.
No way it's Mexicans – they can't swim!
Senor Frogs?
They carved a backwards "M" on his face too, didn't they?
Definitely backwards, because a forward-carved "M" means "Mauritania".
Turn 'em upside down, you got a "W".
OMG!!!!!!
The REASON they kept his body is because THEY'RE MEXICAN JET-SKI PIRATE CANNIBALS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This will be a movie on Syfy Channel next year.
Could this be revenge for the Arizona beheadings???
Wait, let me guess… he was shot by "some Puerto Rican guy," right?
This is all Kevin Costner's fault, somehow. If only the American couple had watched Waterworld, they would have known to bring along something to trade with the Mexican Drifters.
Dirt?
I am glad Bottle Blond provided simultaneous translation, on account the way the wife tells it, it sounds exactly like a drug deal gone bad. But BB clarifies it is a church photography excursion gone bad. That probably explains leaving the witness alive and shooting w/o provocation and all that stuff.
Makes for an interesting "photo shoot"
Sorry, doll — daddy's 23 Sea-Doo!
Time to send in the Confederate Air Force.
And a shoutout to my homie! They had to rename themselves, though…they now have some kinda wussy name–oh yeah, it's "Commemorative" Air Force, now.
What about the Texas Navy? Or maybe some distraught DRT members? They've been having a big throwdown in San Antonio over claims of Alamo [mis]management.
I'd take DRT members with good handbags against the Mexican Federales, anyday. I've seen the way those women fight.
WILLLBURRRRR!!
I keep thinking of Charles Stuart, the dude in Boston twenty years ago who blamed a black guy for shooting his wife and then killed himself before the cops could arrest him.
Of course the media will jump all over the Mexican pirates angle because ZOMG NICE WHITE PEOPLE MURDERED BY DARKIES!! It would be nice if they'd check out what kind of life insurance policies the guy had first.
Whence the Chuck Stuart cocktail: 2 shots and a splash.
Double Indumbnity
Pretty classy way to snuff your hubby: practice out on the pistol range until you're good enough to hit one moving target from another, pack the piece in a plastic bag to keep it dry while drive out behind him; pull out the piece and drill him, drop the piece in the water to disappear forever, fake up some rescue attempts to get his blood on your personal watercraft, then come back and tell all.
This does reconfirm the obvious fact that jetskis are the work of the devil.
Even money on this being correct.
Agreed
Drop the gun, pick up the Sopapilla.
Fucking Mexican pirates, taking work away from American pirates!
"Now, my friends, I'll offer anyone here 50 pieces of eight if you'll go pick-off Americans in Mexico for the whole tourist season.
You set sail. You set sail, and you'll be there for the whole season. The whole season, OK? Not just one day.
Because you can't do it, my friend…you can't fucking do it.
ARRNHH? ARRNHH?"
- John McCain, addressing United Pirates Local 231, May 5, 1748
We need stimulus money to save our domestic pirates NOW…
They are only doing the pirating that American pirates are too lazy to do.
that pic is ridiculous. seriously, they actually went and found a "pirate" ship for a visual?? Ha! Wow, stay classy.
The only way I'll believe this story is if it is confirmed by Santo, Blue Demon or Mil Mascaras.
Ya know, this little caper has Jimmy "Hat" O'Keefe written alll over it.
How certain are we that the husband wasn't in fact struck and killed by a Magic Bullet™?
I'm waiting for a statement from the Dread Pirate Roberto.
"My name is Inigo Montoya…"
Mexican Jet Ski Pirates. I now have my new band name.
Or the twins'.
You should open for Dildo Lube Boat
Or Al Gore Sex Attack!
So now she gets to drink a beer w/ Obama at the White House?
Tomorrow Ken will post another irate email from the teatards:
I CANT believe you make fun of a brave PATRIOTS death and blame his wife!!?!?!?!YOU HAVE THE SATAN!!!!!! I would pray for ur miserable souls but I want you all to burn in hell, When the White Horse comes wriding in!!!
Also. TruckNutz
Nancy Grace already said that on TV. Last night. She declared she could "just look at that woman" and know she is telling the truth.
Unlike the infamous "Tot Mom." Nancy could "just look at her" and know she was lying. I think the basic difference is one is blonde and the other is not.
Why does his wife saying he loved that show make me feel so happy? I mean, really happy!
Ever think about how many crimes occur each year that would not have occurred, had not a gun been readily at hand?
Not too many, it doesn't take long to see.
So – did they run out of kidnapped blonde nymphettes or something?
In fairness, though, the situation does point out some of the problems with the Mexican border. How are you going to fence a lake, dam, reservoir, that is that big? Does the Coast Guard even go there? I know Border Patrol is undermanned, underpaid, and undertrained.
I live in South Texas. Although this woman may be a flake or a fraud, there is a very real problem down here. The drug violence is very frightening to lots of people, even people who used to go to Mexico all the time.
Seriously , South Texas ain't no joke. I stopped going to my uncle's house to smoke dope and fish at Falcon Lake years ago.
Aha… and where exactly were you last week, the night in question, Señor elpinche?
No, this has whitey written all over it.
How will they catch her?
I'm saying it. She did it.
Kinda like Susan Smith?
Exactly. "Mexican pirates" are the new "black carjackers"
There is a big problem with her story, though. Supposedly they were going to photograph old ruins…
but it's been a rainy year down here. I'm pretty sure those ruins only surface in drought periods.
Yeah. And when the Fox blonde said Mexico said it didn't happen, the widow said "why would I do that?" Me thinks she protest too much.
Yeah, Carlson should have said, "do what?"
Nice work, Matlock.
Well, kinda ruined it for him, eh, wot?
It's also hard to believe they would leave her behind. But maybe she talked about Fox News and they kicked her out of the lifeboat.
Maybe what's his name was on the hit-list of terrorists? Are the pirates Blackwater employees?
Sorry toots, Megyn Kelly wins by a mile with her concerned but sexy blimbo look.
Gretchen just looks like Steve Douche unleashed a silent but deadly one from previous night of Chalupas and beer.
I was listening to MSNBC talking about this earlier and they had that nice lesbian lawyer lady, Susan Filene, and she was not believing one word of this story, she was talking "check the life insurance policies".
We should feel bad if we're wrong here, but can 69 or so Wonkeretti be wrong? I doubt it. I wish I would have been online with the Susan Smith tragedy, because I have that same gestalt with this one.
Doesn't really matter, though. If it really happened on Mexico's side of the border, they will be the ones who decide to investigate and perhaps bring charges. How hard will they push if they think this was the work of a drug gang, considering the extremely high mortality rate for policeman and prosecutors who go after narcos down there? If this woman did in fact commit the crime, perhaps she was counting on that.
Of course if the body floats to the surface on the US side of the lake, all bets are off.
You know who could solve this mystery? El Santo!
Back when I was a pirate, me hearties tried using jet skis and guns to hunt down camera toting tourists. We kept dropping the guns in the briny deep. And we kept leaving live witnesses. Plus our victims called for help on their cell phones. So me hearties got sent to Davy Jones locker.
Arrrggh
There are those issues, plus it's hard to swing aboard a frigate from the ratlines with a cutlass in your teeth when you're down at water level on your jetski, and the gunwale of the frigate is 15 feet above you. And, when you do lay hold of a chest or two of gold dubloons, it's so hard to get 'em home on a jetski.
So, wait the same folks who threaten to shoot Messicans coming across the US border illegally think it horrible, horrible when Americans — AMERICANS — are shot crossing illegally into Mexico. The double standard here stinks. And yeah, I think she did it too.
I love the "U.S. Man Feared Dead" headline. She said that he was shot in the head and was floating face down. I am an optimist but that sounds pretty fucking dead.
Some optimist you are. Don't you realize that the instant before his cadaver is found, the Rapture could happen and WE WILL ALL LIVE FOREVER?! You'll feel pretty silly if that happens.
He might just make it if they can take that pesky bullet out of his cranium, clear all the water from his lungs, and stuff his brains back in. Then again, he did love Fox & Friends, so there might not be much stuffing left.
You lie!
how is it possible that gretchen carlson graduated from stanford and was also miss america and was also nannied by michele bachmann and is not an actual character created by big hollywood?
A brain that's been pickled in as much hydrogen peroxide as Gretchen Carlson's can't help but exhibit serious signs of impaired cognition. A Stanford grad who has to look up "ignoramus" in the dictionary on national teevee? Craven phony with sexual hangups stemming from her lust for the Anglo Jesus whose image peered down on her as she, um, dozed in her twin bed as a 13-year-old.
I think she was dropped on her head by her nanny.
I think she hangs upside down and night and dunks her head in the stuff.
Oh my God, they killed Kenny Powers!
But if the truth does out, we'll be lucky if it makes page 6.
Meanwhile, TEH MESSICANS IS SHOOTING R JETSKEERZ!!!
They're both shown holding large glasses of booze. This is just a wild guess, but was alcohol involved?
I think they mixed up the footage. This is not an actual story, it's just the beginning of a bad episode of "Lie to Me." Courtesy of drunken Fox employees.
Nah, the real killer in procedurals always does a pretty good job of covering up the murder and creating a convincing cover story; that's why it takes a full hour to figure out who it is.
Obviously the drug cartels. I was told to never go hiking or riding without a 'guide'. They don't like any strangers in the shipping lanes. Just sayin……
"And I heard God telling me:'You've got to go. You've got to go.' "
So why didn't God just talk to her husband and say:"DUCK!", thus avoiding an International Incident? This doesn't add up, that's all I'm tryin' to say.
God likes banging trashy chicks and figured he'd have a better shot at it if she were single. Must be back in his Old Testament phase.
Just seems like to much effort…god should rock it old school…like Zeus. Appear as a bull or a swan. Much more classy than bumping off the husband.
Yeah, I always liked the swan, especially with Leda. Does that mean I'm a latent Republican?
Columbia. They buy all the nice real estate in Mexico.
1. He had a stupid jetski accident and now she wants to embelish the story to become famous? Will the body have any bullet holes?
2. She did it. Or had someone else do it for life insurance.
3. It was the Mexican drug cartels.
4, He is still alive, she dropped him off in Mexico.
Each has a chance of being true.
At least she can't get the "accidental death" bonus. Getting shot by pirates is no accident. And I'm sure the insurance company can turn those "pirates" into "terrorists", thus invalidating her claim (all policies seem to have clauses invalidating them in case of terrorism or war).
Somehow his head wound up in the AZ desert.
Read more at Wonkette: Fox News: Jet Ski Pirate Mexicans Are Murdering Americans
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Just build the danged minefield.
Slapped the bumper sticker 'No Fear!' under the family crest (Truck Nutz).
As I am fond of saying, "Mexican is the new black".
Tea Party cell? Wait, hear me out … From the Fox News story about recent piracy episodes on the lake:
Prior to last week, the most recent occurred on Aug. 31, when authorities say pirates aboard a small boat with "Game Wardin" written on its side, in duct-tape lettering, tried to intercept a Texas fisherman. The fisherman, aware of warnings about pirates on the lake and recognizing the misspelling of the word "warden," managed to outrun the Mexican vessel to safety, officials said.
The Coen Bros should get a jump on the film rights to this new Cormac McCarthy's novel "No Country for Dumb Men"
You know, we can't watch your stinkin' video in Mexico. Can somebody download it from Fox and upload it to Youtube, so we can laugh at stupid gringos too?
This reminds me of the acid-in-the-face lady saying "God told me to go get sunglasses, it's a miracle! Otherwise I would have been blind now." Thanks God, but couldn't you have told her to take another street home or something a little more useful than a pair of cheap sunglasses? Natch, it ended up she had done it to herself.
So this lady is all "God told me to leave when my husband was dead." If God was going to help you out why wouldn't he tell you not to go see the church?
Or why didn't he tell her to keep her boat on the American side of the border?
Jesus, have you ever been out on a lake when those assholes in jetskis came by? They're like dirtbikes for people who don't have a friend who owns a boat. I shoot them, too; everyone does.
ROTF
"I'm alive because of God's protection. There is no other reason," she told The Denver Post.
God wasn't so fond of her husband, I guess. Don't you hate it when God chooses sides in marriages?
My guess is that he and the boys from the church group are on a six-day bender in Boys Town up in Acuña or maybe Nuevo Laredo. I mean, look at her.
How ya gonna keep 'em down on the farm once they've seen a donkey show?
From the Fox News web article: "Prior to last week, the most recent [piracy event] occurred on Aug. 31, when authorities say pirates aboard a small boat with "Game Wardin" written on its side, in duct-tape lettering, tried to intercept a Texas fisherman."
It's Mezkin teabaggers!!
I'm just surprised the Texas fisherman noticed the mistake.
Machete II: Jet Ski Boogaloo.
So he was wetbacking for 'merica and goin' down their to steal their pirate jarbs? Today we are all JerkSki douches. Dead Jerkskidouches. Can you even attach trucknutz to a JerkSki?
Man, that place is gonna be so dope… on weed
Read more at Wonkette: Area 51 ‘Mosque’ Design Is Frank Gehry By Way of Ayatollah & Superman
I betcha the wifey had him offed. Whenever some white christian woman kills her family, she blames the browns.
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I get nostalgic when I see those spokesladies on FOX. They remind me of being a kid and spending the night at friends' whose moms smelled like perfume and called us honey and didn't care what we did while they went camping with a "friend."
Damn illegal Amuricans crossing our stinkin' border! We shoot you! Haha!
When asked for comment, border-state United States Senator from Arizona said, "You goddamned kids! Get off of my lawn!"
Quick, someone rent a boat tour off the Mexican coast for Doocy, Kilmeade and Carlson.
One name: Nancy Grace
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