a woman's true sacrifice

Todd Palin E-Mails Joe Miller, Orders Him To Endorse Wife For President

This should be a really good presidential election if someone has access to his BlackBerry.Oh no! It’s the Mama Grizzly’s husband, Anger Bear! “Sarah spent all morning working on a Face book post for Joe, she won’t use it, not now.” Aww, the poor thing, slaving away on a status update for someone she thought was a friend. This is from an e-mail Todd Palin sent Joe Miller on September 19, in which Todd rips Joe Miller for not endorsing Sarah for president when Miller was asked if she was qualified for the job. Well, yeah, obviously she is qualified. Look at all that effort she puts into writing her “Face book” posts.

Here’s Todd’s full e-mail (PDF):

Joe and Tim,
>
>
> Hold off on any letter for Joe. Sarah put her ass on the line for Joe
> and yet he can’t answer a simple question ” is Sarah Palin Qualified
> to be President”. I DON’T KNOW IF SHE IS.
>
> Joe, please explain how this endorsement stuff works, is it to be
> completely one sided.
>
> Sarah spent all morning working on a Face book post for Joe, she won’t
> use it, not now.
>
> Put yourself in her shoe’s Joe for one day.
>
> Todd
> Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

When someone endorses you for Senate, you have to endorse that person for president, even if that person is unelectable and unemployed. Obviously Joe Miller has no idea how hard it is to post a status update on Facebook. [The Mudflats]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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152 comments

  1. Sepatown!

    Joe and Tim,

    Sarah is not a witch, but heads will get flown and wigs will be split if we don't see an endorsement in the next 24 hours.

    Todd
    Sent From My Fuckin Phone

    1. Terry

      And if she ever does get elected to national level office, they'll hit DC like the Clampets. No, strike that. The Clampets never were mean, stupid grifters, just people out of the element.

  2. mavenmaven

    I hear that when Palin is president, Todd will be the obvious candidate for mayor of Chicago.

    1. lochnessmonster

      Isn't that half the reason for deciding who you should vote for POTUS? You know Obama only became president because Michelle rocked the bare arms part of the pagent over Cindy.

    1. lumpenprole

      Classy announcement.
      I'm sure there'll be a Palin Week on Fox to unveil her, but this is probably the sort of confirmation we want, done in the manner we've all come to expect.

  3. CablinasianDem

    My drunk BBMs are more well written than this. Then again, my drunken ramblings are more coherent than anything that comes out of his wife's mouth.

  4. V572625694

    Good to see the Toddmeister shares his spouse's gift for finely crafted prose. You'd think Gertie Van S would have brought him along a little farther than this, if you know what I mean.

    OT: Howie Kurtz ascends to his spiritual home, THE DAILY BEAST. Maybe there people won't make fun of him for doing half an hour on Mariel Hemingway's twats.

  5. Chet Kincaid

    Holy fuck, is this Todd Palin's first known intelligible communication to ANYONE? I have never before seen a quote, tweet or text from the man. He could have been less articulate than Trig, for all we knew.

    1. Troubledog

      You're talking about a guy that named his kids (in order) after a snowmachine part, a bay, his airplane, and a math class he skipped.

      1. deelzebub

        My Palin name theory is in order Track-NASCAR, Bristol-NASCAR, Willow-Tree (which is inexplicably classy), Piper-Meth, Trig-Shotgun part.

      2. grendelg

        Trig was named after the disorder… "Down syndrome (trisomy 21, trisomy G) is a chromosomal disorder resulting in mental retardation and physical abnormalities." …. Trisomy-G, or TriG for short… And then called for Rahm to be fired for using the word "retarded" in an offhand comment, the end, also.

      3. EdFlintstone

        Actually its worse than you think. Bristol got the name because its the home of ESPN and thats no shit.

        1. Troubledog

          Thanks for reminding me that no matter how bad things are, that indeed, they are worse than I think.

      4. x111e7thst

        I always thought he originally wanted to call Bristol "Tits" but they talked him out of it, so he went with a bit of rhyming slang he somehow picked up.
        (Bristol bits-tits or Bristol city-titty)

    2. BerkeleyBear

      His fingers were supposedly all over her e-mails in Alaska – the ones she put on Yahoo! to try and avoid FOIA. So I was pretty sure he was above grunt and click, but actually using sarcasm, however heavy handedly, was more than I expected.

  6. bigdupa

    "Put yourself in her shoe’s Joe for one day."

    Joe! You would look th-th-super in her $500 pumps purchased by the RNC.

  7. jus_wonderin

    "Joe, please explain how this endorsement stuff works, is it to be completely one sided."

    JOE, TODD ASKED YOU A QUESTION. JOE?

    1. JustPixelz

      This kind of Palin quid pro quo raises some great opportunities. Howzabout Barbara Boxer endorses Palin for Prez, then Palin must endorse her for CA Senate (over Fiorina). Or maybe Strickland endorses her, so she has to endorse him for OH Gov (over Kasich). Oh hell, Obama should endorse her, the she'll have to endorse him back (over Palin, I assume).

      1. BerkeleyBear

        I'm guessing most of the time was spent, yet again, trying to figure out how the demons living in the computer box know her thoughts so well.

        1. jus_wonderin

          I should send him the "I love you Todd" letter." You said you would leave her." Then attach a pic of my boobs. Drat, I am a male.

    1. GeneralLerong

      1982? The year he graduated from Wasilla High? That was the lifetime high water mark or something?

  8. bordo2

    Right on, Demme Fatale. Who the &^%^ spends a whole morning writing a Facebook note? Oh, wait. I forgot. We are talking about Mama Malaprop. My bad.

  9. Rambone

    This might qualify as a Blago-type bribery scandal!

    I mean, if Sarah! held some sort of position of authority, other than enriching herself by exploiting the stupidity of angry, white morons.

  10. i_AM_ready

    "Sarah put her ass on the line…"
    Nice way to talk about your wife, Todd.
    These people are so vulgar…..

  11. Tigersmistress

    "Sarah put her ass on the line for Joe"

    With whom is her ass left swinging in the breeze? The crazies?

    1. Extemporanus

      Sarah Palin's ass is hanging by a thread?

      Oh my Moroni…"The White Whores Prophecy" is about to come true!

  12. elviouslyqueer

    Put yourself in her shoe’s Joe for one day.

    Dear Joe:

    If Todd is referring to those tacky-ass Naughty Monkey pumps, I wouldn't be caught dead in those, and neither should you. (But if she's got a spare pair of NIB Manolos, feel free to pounce on those like they were pics of Levi's erect wang.)

    Regards,

    E.Q.

      1. GeneralLerong

        Yeah, what's up with that apostrophe oh-so-carefully added to "shoes" – can't tell a possessive from a plural, having snored through grade school English classes?

        Sneer, sneer…damn, my lip just cramped up.

  13. donmedia

    Aww. Poor Moosegirl spent all morning working on a FaceySpace post and now she can't use is because someone won't say she isn't too stupid to be President.

    1. qwerty42

      give a hillbilly a blackberry and he'll eat it.
      teach him how to use a blackberry and you'll be inundated with moronic messages and wish he had eaten it.

  14. imissopus

    OH NO HE DIDN'T!!!!

    Watch out, Joe. Next thing you know Sarah will delete you from her news feed. If you don't grovel, the next step is de-friending. And after that, the death threats from her nutbag supporters.

    I'm sure she looked good through the beer goggles at last call, but then you wake up the next morning to find she's moved her stuff in and boiled your rabbit. Good luck, sir!

  15. DashboardBuddha

    This is really getting to be too much. Candidates trying to prove they're not witches…a not-a-candidates husband pissing off via email about hos Scruffy Joe won't support his wife's bid for president…and now, a not-a-presidential candidate working all morning on a FACEBOOK SCREED?

    What the fuck?

    1. slappypaddy

      the government's secret project in the 1960s of lacing public drinking water supplies with lysergic acid diethylamide to see what would happen is finally bearing fruit. rotten peaches, from the looks of them.

  16. PalinPussyPower

    Todd, sweetheart, honestly. Do you honestly believe she spent all morning working on a Facebook post? ALL morning? Is that what she told you she was doing? If I were you dear, I'd be checking the paternity of that entire gaggle of beasts.

      1. PalinPussyPower

        Sweetie you just go on and heat up some leftover elk chili and just as soon as I'm done with this here Facebook note you bet I'll get my tushy right on home m'kay? Don't forgot to give Gravel her homeschooling lessons for today, and Grunt's got a court hearing at 2. Love you. Also too.

    1. bureaucrap

      Apparently one of her shoes has an appendage/apparatus/extension called a "Joe" (perhaps it is a shoe tree). Apparently, this appendage/apparatus must be hollow, since Todd is asking Joe Miller (the candidate) to put himself (or perhaps HIS appendage/apparatus/extension) "in her shoe's Joe [the hollow shoe tree, or whatever] for one day."

      I would imagine that Joe Miller, walking around with his appendage stuck in Sarah's shoe's "Joe" all day, would find it rather painful, ultimately.

  17. SayItWithWookies

    Joe would definitely endore's Sarah, but as he knows, that's not a Constitutionally mandated function of government. Walk a mile in Joes shoe's Todd I DON'T THINK HE CAN.

  18. elpinche

    Sounds like she's not grizzly enough to write her own angry emails to other retard candidates. It doesn't look like presidential material to me.

  19. bumfug

    First Ladies are known for alot of things like "literacy campaigns", "cleaning the environment" and "fighting childhood obesity." Isn't about time we had one who specializes in "draggin' yer sorry ass outside and whuppin' the livin' shit outta ya?"

    1. GOPCrusher

      I'd being willing to bet money that Michelle would kick the living shit out of Tawd, once she worked up to a good case of pissed off.

      1. Terry

        She's from Chicago. She could have it done well and cheaply and not mess up her nails or outfit.

  20. johnnyzhivago

    Serious question…. Where is the National Republican Leadership???

    I happen to know from my time in local politics that if someone running for dogcatcher or county freeholder pulled this sort of bullshit, they would receive a polite, but firm call from the County Chairperson suggesting that perhaps they don't have the temperment for politics and maybe they should investigate another field to spend their free time on.

    Will Michael Steele do his job and fire this idiot!

  21. WarAndGee

    Dammit , I hate that parallel America THOSE fuckers live in. Sportos, cheerleaders, "math is hard", passing notes on twitter and facebook during class, "knowing stuff isn't cool," etc.

    They 're going to shove us all into the lockers after school, then bomb Iran.

  22. fuflans

    ummm, todd, to 'put your ass on the line' means you are putting something at risk.

    also: it's spelled 'tod'.

  23. V572625694

    My dearest Todd,

    It is with great regret that I take fingers to keyboard, as it were, to confer upon you this unhappy truth, the verity of which only fell within my ken in the last fortnight. It is this: much as I have loved our mutual friend Sarah, she of the clear eye, lush curtain of brown hair, clever tongue and shapely leg, it now behooves me to speak — regretfully, you may be most certain! — to the calumnies and excoriations I have received on her behalf, posted one may be certain by the more fervent of her adherents but nonetheless not disavowed by the lady herself. Let me, at the risk of offense taken only under the most strenuous restraint on my part, confer upon you, and our dear Sarah, the new reality:

    Bitch, you're down, I'm up. I'm gonna be a fuckin' US fuckin Senator, and you're gonna be talking to fat old ladies in power chairs at Hampton Inns in Bumfuck Arkansas. Sorry lady, it's over. Thanks for all the help.

    Yr hmble srvnt,
    Joe the Miller
    Yale 1982

  24. the_problem_child

    You know, I doubt Todd writes his own e-mails. I'm pretty sure this is the work of Sarah, just sent from "Todd".

  25. GOPCrusher

    And all this time, I thought that Tawd was just a commoner that had a money grubbing fame whore for a wife. Now we find out that this is a pair made in heaven. And sadly, they have children that are being unleashed on the planet.

  26. OneYieldRegular

    All other weighty considerations aside, anyone who would spend "all morning" working on a Facebook post is *clearly* not qualified to be president of anything, except perhaps of her own Facebook page.

  27. qwerty42

    Sarah was working on a Facebook post! Hey! That's a lot of work. Thinkin' ! I'm betting she was reading up on foreign policy stuff, what with Putin rearin' his head. Hmmmm Sarah or X … Sarah or X …. oh heck, let's go with the Real Merrikun!. (and it ain't some guy who went to Princeton).

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      She was scrunching her little face up, sticking her tongue out the side of her mouth, crayons, glitter and boxes to check. . .no wonder we could smell wood burning in the otherwise unapologetic fossil fuel thirsty compound on Lake Lucille.

      Piper and Trig had to restore order to the refrigerator magnets with folksy wisdom all jumbled up against the dented surfaces.

      1. OneYieldRegular

        Does she drink coffee from her shoe? Is that it? Go jump in Sarah Palin's coffee-filled shoe?

  28. Mort_Sinclair

    Todd is a semi-literate redneck dumbfuck from the stix who is used to bullying other semi-literate redneck dumbfucks who think he's nothing but a semi-literate redneck dumbfuck. It's called the Snowbilly Circle of Respect.

  29. bordo2

    I hope John McCain is always remembered not for his time in the Navy, his captivity in North Vietnam, his stint in the U.S. Senate, but instead as the man who introduced the stupidest, most irritating bunch of inbreds this side of an Ozarks family reunion to a stunned and disbelieving nation. These people are boors with a capital B.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      That's five and half years to you, sir FIVE AND A HALF YEARS AND THAT MORON TWAT THEY MADE ME PICK HAS STOLEN ALL MY THUNDER!

  30. HateMachine

    Honestly? Having a pontiff be a delusional narcissistic moron would probably be preferable to one that defends systematic child rape.

  31. twoeightnine

    How long do you think it took him to type that out? 5? 6 hours? Those Blackberry keys are so tiny for such manly hands.

  32. Gopherit

    Her ASS was ON THE LINE! DON'T YOU GET IT?? You left her out there to swing in the wind and use all of her talents from Freshman english. She won't forget that.

  33. Gopherit

    Also, Joe is more likely to put himself in Sarah's panties for one day. with a 5:1 male to female ratio in Alaska, every woman has to do her part.

  34. elpinche

    "Yo Joe, this is Todd. you can kiss my ass (beep)
    I ain't interrested in you anyhow, i'm just interrested in the AIP
    So fuck you my man.."

  35. Thedongsofwar

    SHE SPENT ALL MORNING WORKING ON A FACEBOOK POST! YOU ASSHOLE! THAT'S A LOT OF WORK (for her).

  36. PsycWench

    I bet she spent all morning working on Facebook post just like multiple students have assured me they spent HOURS and HOURS working on a paper that they lost when the computer crashed last night and which they inexplicably never saved.

  37. Pragmatist2

    Hold it! I am impressed. That is an incredibly long email to type on a Blackberry with zero mistakes. I can't see any libtards matching Todd here.

  38. Weenus299

    I wish Todd, Sarah and Joe would all be exploded inside a vat of lead-based Jell-O, to reduce or prevent contamination.

  39. BaileyWu

    "Sarah put her ass on the line for Joe…"

    And we all know that where ever Sarah's ass goes her head goes.

  40. NorthStarSpanx

    "Put yourself in her shoe’s Joe for one day."

    I totally see Joe as a closet fetishist.

    It must be those shiny red Naughty Monkey's the aging GILF sported all too often that got Joe to fight the Troopergate investigation on their behalf in the first place.

  41. barkingspiders

    Excuse me! Tawd supposedly drove his sled for hundreds of miles with a broken arm, reportedly gets into full on canned goods throwing wars with his hissing slit eyed hillbilly wife and the best he can do when he thinks someone has crossed him is to whine like a bitch!

    These two will never make it to 2012.

  42. transfatz

    "all morning on a facebook post"
    Could she be the "mom makes $77 an hour" in the ad I'm seeing now?"
    It's OK Todd. She will not die, it is not poison.

  43. lulzmonger

    I'm just wondering how much juice Griftzly Mama got offered to "put her ass on the line" since it's obvious she wouldn't piss on Miller if he were on fire without a cash advance. Or am I to believe that a raging narcissist like Sarah "We Also Take VISA" Palin endorsed a potential future GOP presidential primary competitor because Jeebus told her to? She probably charges her fucking kids for their school lunches.

  44. lochnessmonster

    Thinking about it, this sounds so high-schooly. They should know from experience, some people will do ANYThING to get elected.

  45. chickensmack

    Okay, wait. I had a snark, but I've pulled it. For this:

    When I was growing up, politicians on the rise were godlike in their stature. Even when they fell out of disgrace, they seemed to stay above the ugliness of typical human hostility.

    Now I don't know if it's because her meteor has burned out, or because of the ubiquity of internet media, but the Palins are all too human for office. Ever. Were she to win anything, she'd only represent that office with the incredibly meager stature, gravitas and authority of the Wasilla Mayorship.

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