WICCAN MYSTERIES  3:52 pm October 5, 2010

Why Do Teabagger Celebrity Gals All Look Like Monica Lewinsky?

by Ken Layne

Also why do teabagger men pretend to want to fornicate with grizzly bears? Because THAT is so fucking gay ....Why do today’s teabagger sweethearts all look like infamous White House intern Monica Lewinksy? Could it be that the fetching Oval Office paramour of Bill Clinton had some deep, weird effect on right-wing men in this country? Was all that posturing and yelping and going insane over a politician having a tacky affair really about something much weirder? Did Lewinsky hit some special button in the impotent nether regions of America’s wingnuts? And why does Christine O’Donnell look exactly like Monica in her heyday? It would be sexist to even raise this subject, but our pal Rebecca Dana already did it for Tina Brown’s Internet Tendency, so it has automatically transubstantiated from filth to scholarship! (This is witchcraft.)

One thing wingnut men always do is this very gross overcompensating thing when it comes to images of wingnut women. History’s best example is this incredibly yucky blog beat-off by National Review Online masturbator Rich Lowry in response to Sarah Palin’s 2008 debate against Joe Biden. (Lest you’ve forgotten the horror, the key word was “starbursts.”)

We can never figure out if the over-the-top hubba hubba over middle-aged women with big hair is because all wingnut men are closeted homosexuals desperate to appear “manly” on the Internet, or because they’re impotent and desperate to pretend something (Ann Coulter?) can still raise that withered old tadpole from the depths of pasty white flab it calls home.

Whatever the ultimate reason, wingnut men are repulsive, sitting at their computers and pretending to wank off to pictures of women who basically look like worn-out realtors from Phoenix. [Daily Beast via Dan McQuade]

Related video

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


el_chupacabra October 5, 2010 at 3:58 pm

7 degrees of Wanting To Fuck Bill Clinton

fundamentallybroken October 5, 2010 at 4:28 pm

Make that 3 degrees – Witchy O'Donnell=Monica Lewinsky=Billy's sexy parts.

bumfug October 5, 2010 at 3:59 pm

They sure do. Especially with the pearl necklace.

Jukesgrrl October 6, 2010 at 5:54 am

But looking like Monica & Co. is a far cry from looking like a "worn-out realtors from Phoenix." That's what Jan Brewer looks like. And you know the only person who faps to her is maybe Jonah Goldberg, since he likes 'em really skinny.

natoslug October 5, 2010 at 4:00 pm

So you're saying wingnut men are just like us? I'd be offended, if I weren't so distracted by not seeing Sara Benincasa's name in the list of wonkette authors on the right.

V572625694 October 5, 2010 at 4:00 pm

Okay, but how does Sarah stack up on the Lewisinsky-esque factor? and Michele? A person w/time on his or her hands could cruise the internets for images where their faces are similarly depicted and give us SCIENTIFIC PROOF.

This would constitute a considerable advance in human understanding. Maybe even earn the compiler a trip to Stockholm. Or Gitmo.

Lascauxcaveman October 5, 2010 at 4:02 pm

"Fetching?" Is that just a mean and sneaky way of calling her a dog?

GunTotingProgressive October 5, 2010 at 6:00 pm

It's a typo. It was supposed to read "feltching."

SayItWithWookies October 5, 2010 at 4:02 pm

They do look alike — as though they're both thinking "This was the wrong time to wait to decide whether I spit or swallow."

LionelHutzEsq October 5, 2010 at 4:02 pm

Clearly, Conservative men are just curious what it would be like to get a blow job from a women.

JMPEsq October 5, 2010 at 4:03 pm

It's the derangement of the wingnut mind, it effects their vision so they only see light that's been polarized to the right, so unattractive conservative women look good to them, and moderately attractive ones look super-hot. The converse is also true, look at how they call Michelle Obama ugly (though they also would never admit any black woman is good looking).

ManchuCandidate October 5, 2010 at 4:03 pm

Xtine looks more like Elaine from Seinfeld with her de-poofed hair do.

mrblifil October 5, 2010 at 4:52 pm

It's amazing to think she was out there pimping her celibacy bullshit before Monica was a household name and "blowjobs" became water cooler conversation. All signs would point to her never having been able to get over the irony.

MsElla October 5, 2010 at 4:03 pm

Could it be the "Just off the bus from Graceland" heavy makeup they all wear?

LionelHutzEsq October 5, 2010 at 4:05 pm

It does do my heart good to know the closest Rich Lowery gets to sex is watching Sarah Palin in a debate.

There is still hope for our species.

MapleLeafsfordawin! October 5, 2010 at 4:05 pm

Funny, the word that came to my mind was "cheeseloaf."

Extemporanus October 5, 2010 at 4:06 pm

"I did not have Satanic rituals with that wiccan, Ms. O'Donnell."

fuflans October 5, 2010 at 4:06 pm

also marie osmand

this means dana milbank is, in fact, correct.

PresBeeblebrox October 5, 2010 at 4:07 pm

O'Donnell needs moar berets and blue dresses.

Troubledog October 5, 2010 at 4:07 pm

And because it has trans-substantiated, it's REAL scholarship now.

Wingnut guys know they never would have a chance with a brainy and clever yet deranged nut-smashing antagonist like Ann Coulter.

However, used up Phoenix realtors, or Nikki Haley…mmmm, showtime.

twogoats October 5, 2010 at 4:09 pm

The answer is: blow jobs.

No one could want to engage in anything as interactive as intercourse with these women. Nor could one expect any good to result from such conduct.

But they all look like the kinda women who don't enjoy sex but figure they have to give blow jobs (reluctantly and badly) to get dates.

Right wing guys ain't getting good blow jobs (the under cover cops never come through), so they fantacize.

That is erudite.

Doglessliberal October 5, 2010 at 4:13 pm

For some, the answer to all questions is blow jobs.

prommie October 5, 2010 at 4:33 pm

Oh, its not a subjective thing, they are the answer to all questions, but sadly, not all have the wisdom to see this.

Pop_Socket October 5, 2010 at 4:54 pm

Of course it is. What was the question again?

BaldarTFlagass October 5, 2010 at 7:09 pm

Re: Lewinsky.
Everybody likes getting head from a fat girl. They give the best blowjobs.
Why, you ask? Because they're always hungry.

donner_froh October 5, 2010 at 9:57 pm

Blow jobs might be done badly but the idea of a bad blow job is pure cognitive dissonance. Some might be better than others but none of them are bad unless it gets bitten off.

chascates October 5, 2010 at 4:09 pm

But I bet Monica swallows.

nounverb911 October 5, 2010 at 4:27 pm

Christine thinks that's how you get pregnant.

Bonzos_Bed_Time October 5, 2010 at 4:41 pm

Babies grow in tummies, don't they!

Badonkadonkette October 5, 2010 at 4:10 pm

In psychology, there's something called the contrast effect, which is what makes you think "God, Monica Lewinsky was kind of skinny and hot" when you look at that photo.

elviouslyqueer October 5, 2010 at 4:11 pm

Bless Christine's heart. She's got more neck waddle in that picture than Foghorn Leghorn's paramour, Miss Prissy.

Extemporanus October 5, 2010 at 4:13 pm

A related question: Why do Teabagger celebrity guys all look like Linda Tripp?

johnnyzhivago October 5, 2010 at 4:13 pm

Christine doesn't have the "crazy eyes" – must have lost them in witchcraft ceremonies, or maybe repeated beatings by nuns.

Tommmcatt October 5, 2010 at 4:20 pm

Which, in a nutshell, is why she will lose. The madness must coat the eye in a nacreous, eldrich sheen for a lady wingnut to garner enough votes to ascend the throne. Look at Kitty Harris or Michelle Bachmann.

harry_palmer October 5, 2010 at 4:15 pm

The best thing about either of those tea-twats giving a blow job would be the blessed silence – it'd make even the teeth worth putting up with.

Monsieur_Grumpe October 5, 2010 at 4:17 pm

Monica today… if you dare.

elpinche October 5, 2010 at 4:27 pm

At least she has those Prius sized bosoms.

Pop_Socket October 5, 2010 at 4:55 pm

Those are still some mighty ripe melons.

mrblifil October 5, 2010 at 4:21 pm

Monica was the ultimate Republican male wet dream, a young well-groomed woman who turned out to be a nasty freak who valued power over looks. Republican women are very perceptive and therefore they have adapted themselves to appropriate this look very closely themselves. I think there's material here to create a short paper on the dynamics of Natural Selection.

elpinche October 5, 2010 at 4:23 pm

And I suppose Linda Tripp is chopped liver.

nounverb911 October 5, 2010 at 4:47 pm

I always thought Linda Tripp was closer to Gefilte Fish.

PuckStopsHere October 5, 2010 at 10:17 pm

A thumbs down to you, sir or madam. That was just wrong.

elpinche October 5, 2010 at 10:35 pm

Thumbs up to you for your pain and suffering.

ReturnToMetal October 6, 2010 at 5:04 pm

Nah, she's bottom-feeding suction eel. Ya … ya don't want that.

Qatarded October 5, 2010 at 4:25 pm

Sucks like a Wet-Vac vs. Sucks like a Wet Fart

Lucidamente1 October 5, 2010 at 4:25 pm

"pretending to wank off to pictures of women who basically look like worn-out realtors from Phoenix." Ken, stop picking on my hobbies.

el_donaldo October 5, 2010 at 4:26 pm

Hmm. Paula Jones and Gennifer Flowers would make better role models. At least they were willing to take off their clothes as part of their constant whoring for attention and wingnut cash dollar.

Steverino247 October 5, 2010 at 4:27 pm

Well, the worst part of being an atheist is there's no one to talk to while getting a blowjob.

For the Republicans attracted to such women, blowjobs become an Act of Faith.

(And Monica spits on her blue dress so evidence can be collected for an old rat fucker like her operator, Linda Tripp–to answer an earlier question…)

OneDollarJuana October 5, 2010 at 5:01 pm

I just talk to the guy in the next stall ; )

badseeds October 5, 2010 at 4:32 pm

Would this be a different analysis if meatballs came out of dicks?

prommie October 5, 2010 at 4:37 pm

Mmmmm, worn-out realtors from Phoenix! You fucking fuck, you, you wait, age will get to you, too, and you will find yourself fantasizing about such unattainable things as badoinking worn-out Phoenix realtors. Harumph, motherfucking kid, says "worn-out realtors from Phoenix" like its a BAD thing, smarmy little fuck, grumble grumble.

Bonzos_Bed_Time October 5, 2010 at 4:38 pm

Somebody has mommy issues…

OkieDokieDog October 5, 2010 at 4:42 pm

Maybe some teahadist menfolk will like the Bieber Palin.

WARNING: You cannot un-see it per HuffPo !

OneDollarJuana October 5, 2010 at 5:02 pm

Somehow reminds me of Suze Orman. Maybe it's the earnestness.

GOPCrusher October 5, 2010 at 5:26 pm

My eyes! My eyes!

Buzz Feedback October 5, 2010 at 4:42 pm

It's been said that Wicca is religion for phat chix who recycle so there could be something to this theory.

Gopherit October 5, 2010 at 4:42 pm

Once again, the hardly concealed jealousy of the right wing rears it's ugly, errm, head. They all secretly want to be Bill Clinton……getting blowjobs and being made of teflon. Too bad Monica's dress wasn't .

mavenmaven October 5, 2010 at 4:43 pm

I don't know about Monica or Christine or "the Rachel", but this quote from that article deserves a Pulitzer Prize or something:
“What we have here is a mild degree of fat tissue without being overweight, which comes also with some degree of light-hearted jolliness slash aggression”

4TheTurnstiles October 5, 2010 at 4:47 pm

can't we just give them the brown acid? send them to Arizona for a "spirit walk" at the Peyote Way Church of God?

(actually that might well be very helpful medicine for many of them…)

Pop_Socket October 5, 2010 at 4:56 pm

pretending? I imagine they wank off quite successfully.

imissopus October 5, 2010 at 5:04 pm

Ha ha, I read that as "felching Oval Office paramour of Bill Clinton" and didn't even blink. I will now scrub my brain by dunking my head in a barrel of bleach.

bordo2 October 5, 2010 at 5:09 pm

At least Monica Lewinsky never wore bumpits.

ReturnToMetal October 6, 2010 at 5:02 pm

Sarah and Chrissie don't wear bumpits, either. That's the natural shape of their heads.

DaveJ October 5, 2010 at 5:25 pm

worn-out realtors from Phoenix

"Go on.."
–Ben Quayle

rocktonsam October 5, 2010 at 8:52 pm

I am so over Dingbat Barbie. I'm in love with Dingbat Skipper.

She is way younger and her biological clock is ticking.

ReturnToMetal October 6, 2010 at 5:02 pm

And no worry of competition from Dingbat Ken.

PuckStopsHere October 5, 2010 at 10:25 pm

Asterisk coming. He think Kenny's on the juice.

transfatz October 5, 2010 at 10:31 pm

Oh to be young again. When I could look at a woman and say "nice this" or "nice that". Now it's more like a harpooner's cry…"she breathes!"

anteater October 6, 2010 at 1:10 pm

The projecting lower jaw is a result of a sharp, tangy, salty swallow.
or so I heard, that's what my wife says, and old girlfriends, and lots of chicks, lots.
Really I'm not gay, not there is anything…. ok this is not working out.
girlfriends, lots of cocksucking girlfriends, really. lots

PhilippePetain October 6, 2010 at 1:45 pm

Come on, we all know the wingers love to castigate that which they secretly wish to fuck, or inversely come to want to fuck that which they frequently castigate.

The majority of their experience with women probably involves growing up fapping it to overweight suburban church ladies from three pews back, so there's that as well.

ReturnToMetal October 6, 2010 at 5:00 pm

"Why Do Teabagger Celebrity Gals All Look Like Monica Lewinsky?"

Because their style is 15 years behind the times?

housbinfarteen October 7, 2010 at 11:59 am

I heard Monica is voting republican in 2010. I guess the Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

PoisndRationlty October 5, 2010 at 9:40 pm

Sooooo weird to comment (intertube-style) on a freaking Lewinsky story, on the Wonkettes … Dammit, I'm gettin' old, I guess.

Drunk, also …

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: