wiccan mysteries

Why Do Teabagger Celebrity Gals All Look Like Monica Lewinsky?

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Also why do teabagger men pretend to want to fornicate with grizzly bears? Because THAT is so fucking gay ....Why do today’s teabagger sweethearts all look like infamous White House intern Monica Lewinksy? Could it be that the fetching Oval Office paramour of Bill Clinton had some deep, weird effect on right-wing men in this country? Was all that posturing and yelping and going insane over a politician having a tacky affair really about something much weirder? Did Lewinsky hit some special button in the impotent nether regions of America’s wingnuts? And why does Christine O’Donnell look exactly like Monica in her heyday? It would be sexist to even raise this subject, but our pal Rebecca Dana already did it for Tina Brown’s Internet Tendency, so it has automatically transubstantiated from filth to scholarship! (This is witchcraft.)

One thing wingnut men always do is this very gross overcompensating thing when it comes to images of wingnut women. History’s best example is this incredibly yucky blog beat-off by National Review Online masturbator Rich Lowry in response to Sarah Palin’s 2008 debate against Joe Biden. (Lest you’ve forgotten the horror, the key word was “starbursts.”)

We can never figure out if the over-the-top hubba hubba over middle-aged women with big hair is because all wingnut men are closeted homosexuals desperate to appear “manly” on the Internet, or because they’re impotent and desperate to pretend something (Ann Coulter?) can still raise that withered old tadpole from the depths of pasty white flab it calls home.

Whatever the ultimate reason, wingnut men are repulsive, sitting at their computers and pretending to wank off to pictures of women who basically look like worn-out realtors from Phoenix. [Daily Beast via Dan McQuade]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • el_chupacabra

    7 degrees of Wanting To Fuck Bill Clinton

    • fundamentallybroken

      Make that 3 degrees – Witchy O'Donnell=Monica Lewinsky=Billy's sexy parts.

  • bumfug

    They sure do. Especially with the pearl necklace.

    • Jukesgrrl

      But looking like Monica & Co. is a far cry from looking like a "worn-out realtors from Phoenix." That's what Jan Brewer looks like. And you know the only person who faps to her is maybe Jonah Goldberg, since he likes 'em really skinny.

  • natoslug

    So you're saying wingnut men are just like us? I'd be offended, if I weren't so distracted by not seeing Sara Benincasa's name in the list of wonkette authors on the right.

  • V572625694

    Okay, but how does Sarah stack up on the Lewisinsky-esque factor? and Michele? A person w/time on his or her hands could cruise the internets for images where their faces are similarly depicted and give us SCIENTIFIC PROOF.

    This would constitute a considerable advance in human understanding. Maybe even earn the compiler a trip to Stockholm. Or Gitmo.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    "Fetching?" Is that just a mean and sneaky way of calling her a dog?

    • GunTotingProgressive

      It's a typo. It was supposed to read "feltching."

  • SayItWithWookies

    They do look alike — as though they're both thinking "This was the wrong time to wait to decide whether I spit or swallow."

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Clearly, Conservative men are just curious what it would be like to get a blow job from a women.

  • JMPEsq

    It's the derangement of the wingnut mind, it effects their vision so they only see light that's been polarized to the right, so unattractive conservative women look good to them, and moderately attractive ones look super-hot. The converse is also true, look at how they call Michelle Obama ugly (though they also would never admit any black woman is good looking).

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Xtine looks more like Elaine from Seinfeld with her de-poofed hair do.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

      It's amazing to think she was out there pimping her celibacy bullshit before Monica was a household name and "blowjobs" became water cooler conversation. All signs would point to her never having been able to get over the irony.

  • MsElla

    Could it be the "Just off the bus from Graceland" heavy makeup they all wear?

  • LionelHutzEsq

    It does do my heart good to know the closest Rich Lowery gets to sex is watching Sarah Palin in a debate.

    There is still hope for our species.

  • MapleLeafsfordawin!

    Funny, the word that came to my mind was "cheeseloaf."

  • Extemporanus

    "I did not have Satanic rituals with that wiccan, Ms. O'Donnell."

  • fuflans

    also marie osmand

    this means dana milbank is, in fact, correct.

  • PresBeeblebrox

    O'Donnell needs moar berets and blue dresses.

  • Troubledog

    And because it has trans-substantiated, it's REAL scholarship now.

    Wingnut guys know they never would have a chance with a brainy and clever yet deranged nut-smashing antagonist like Ann Coulter.

    However, used up Phoenix realtors, or Nikki Haley…mmmm, showtime.

  • twogoats

    The answer is: blow jobs.

    No one could want to engage in anything as interactive as intercourse with these women. Nor could one expect any good to result from such conduct.

    But they all look like the kinda women who don't enjoy sex but figure they have to give blow jobs (reluctantly and badly) to get dates.

    Right wing guys ain't getting good blow jobs (the under cover cops never come through), so they fantacize.

    That is erudite.

    • Doglessliberal

      For some, the answer to all questions is blow jobs.

      • prommie

        Oh, its not a subjective thing, they are the answer to all questions, but sadly, not all have the wisdom to see this.

      • http://livebythefoma.blogspot.com Pop_Socket

        Of course it is. What was the question again?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Re: Lewinsky.
      Everybody likes getting head from a fat girl. They give the best blowjobs.
      Why, you ask? Because they're always hungry.

    • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

      Blow jobs might be done badly but the idea of a bad blow job is pure cognitive dissonance. Some might be better than others but none of them are bad unless it gets bitten off.

  • chascates

    But I bet Monica swallows.

    • nounverb911

      Christine thinks that's how you get pregnant.

      • Bonzos_Bed_Time

        Babies grow in tummies, don't they!

  • Badonkadonkette

    In psychology, there's something called the contrast effect, which is what makes you think "God, Monica Lewinsky was kind of skinny and hot" when you look at that photo.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Bless Christine's heart. She's got more neck waddle in that picture than Foghorn Leghorn's paramour, Miss Prissy.

  • Extemporanus

    A related question: Why do Teabagger celebrity guys all look like Linda Tripp?

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Christine doesn't have the "crazy eyes" – must have lost them in witchcraft ceremonies, or maybe repeated beatings by nuns.

    • Tommmcatt

      Which, in a nutshell, is why she will lose. The madness must coat the eye in a nacreous, eldrich sheen for a lady wingnut to garner enough votes to ascend the throne. Look at Kitty Harris or Michelle Bachmann.

  • http://littlewanking.blogspot.com/ harry_palmer

    The best thing about either of those tea-twats giving a blow job would be the blessed silence – it'd make even the teeth worth putting up with.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Monica today… if you dare.

    • elpinche

      At least she has those Prius sized bosoms.

    • http://livebythefoma.blogspot.com Pop_Socket

      Those are still some mighty ripe melons.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Monica was the ultimate Republican male wet dream, a young well-groomed woman who turned out to be a nasty freak who valued power over looks. Republican women are very perceptive and therefore they have adapted themselves to appropriate this look very closely themselves. I think there's material here to create a short paper on the dynamics of Natural Selection.

  • elpinche

    And I suppose Linda Tripp is chopped liver.

    • nounverb911

      I always thought Linda Tripp was closer to Gefilte Fish.

    • PuckStopsHere

      A thumbs down to you, sir or madam. That was just wrong.

      • elpinche

        Thumbs up to you for your pain and suffering.

    • ReturnToMetal

      Nah, she's bottom-feeding suction eel. Ya … ya don't want that.

  • Qatarded

    Sucks like a Wet-Vac vs. Sucks like a Wet Fart

  • Lucidamente1

    "pretending to wank off to pictures of women who basically look like worn-out realtors from Phoenix." Ken, stop picking on my hobbies.

  • el_donaldo

    Hmm. Paula Jones and Gennifer Flowers would make better role models. At least they were willing to take off their clothes as part of their constant whoring for attention and wingnut cash dollar.

  • Steverino247

    Well, the worst part of being an atheist is there's no one to talk to while getting a blowjob.

    For the Republicans attracted to such women, blowjobs become an Act of Faith.

    (And Monica spits on her blue dress so evidence can be collected for an old rat fucker like her operator, Linda Tripp–to answer an earlier question…)

    • OneDollarJuana

      I just talk to the guy in the next stall ; )

  • badseeds

    Would this be a different analysis if meatballs came out of dicks?

  • prommie

    Mmmmm, worn-out realtors from Phoenix! You fucking fuck, you, you wait, age will get to you, too, and you will find yourself fantasizing about such unattainable things as badoinking worn-out Phoenix realtors. Harumph, motherfucking kid, says "worn-out realtors from Phoenix" like its a BAD thing, smarmy little fuck, grumble grumble.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Somebody has mommy issues…

  • OkieDokieDog

    Maybe some teahadist menfolk will like the Bieber Palin.

    WARNING: You cannot un-see it per HuffPo !

    • OneDollarJuana

      Somehow reminds me of Suze Orman. Maybe it's the earnestness.

    • GOPCrusher

      My eyes! My eyes!

  • http://www.ghostnote.net Buzz Feedback

    It's been said that Wicca is religion for phat chix who recycle so there could be something to this theory.

  • Gopherit

    Once again, the hardly concealed jealousy of the right wing rears it's ugly, errm, head. They all secretly want to be Bill Clinton……getting blowjobs and being made of teflon. Too bad Monica's dress wasn't .

  • mavenmaven

    I don't know about Monica or Christine or "the Rachel", but this quote from that article deserves a Pulitzer Prize or something:
    “What we have here is a mild degree of fat tissue without being overweight, which comes also with some degree of light-hearted jolliness slash aggression”

  • 4TheTurnstiles

    can't we just give them the brown acid? send them to Arizona for a "spirit walk" at the Peyote Way Church of God?

    (actually that might well be very helpful medicine for many of them…)

  • http://livebythefoma.blogspot.com Pop_Socket

    pretending? I imagine they wank off quite successfully.

  • imissopus

    Ha ha, I read that as "felching Oval Office paramour of Bill Clinton" and didn't even blink. I will now scrub my brain by dunking my head in a barrel of bleach.

  • bordo2

    At least Monica Lewinsky never wore bumpits.

    • ReturnToMetal

      Sarah and Chrissie don't wear bumpits, either. That's the natural shape of their heads.

  • DaveJ

    worn-out realtors from Phoenix

    "Go on.."
    –Ben Quayle

  • rocktonsam

    I am so over Dingbat Barbie. I'm in love with Dingbat Skipper.

    She is way younger and her biological clock is ticking.

    • ReturnToMetal

      And no worry of competition from Dingbat Ken.

  • PuckStopsHere

    Asterisk coming. He think Kenny's on the juice.

  • transfatz

    Oh to be young again. When I could look at a woman and say "nice this" or "nice that". Now it's more like a harpooner's cry…"she breathes!"

  • anteater

    The projecting lower jaw is a result of a sharp, tangy, salty swallow.
    or so I heard, that's what my wife says, and old girlfriends, and lots of chicks, lots.
    Really I'm not gay, not there is anything…. ok this is not working out.
    girlfriends, lots of cocksucking girlfriends, really. lots

  • PhilippePetain

    Come on, we all know the wingers love to castigate that which they secretly wish to fuck, or inversely come to want to fuck that which they frequently castigate.

    The majority of their experience with women probably involves growing up fapping it to overweight suburban church ladies from three pews back, so there's that as well.

  • ReturnToMetal

    "Why Do Teabagger Celebrity Gals All Look Like Monica Lewinsky?"

    Because their style is 15 years behind the times?

  • housbinfarteen

    I heard Monica is voting republican in 2010. I guess the Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

  • http://wonkette.com PoisndRationlty

    Sooooo weird to comment (intertube-style) on a freaking Lewinsky story, on the Wonkettes … Dammit, I'm gettin' old, I guess.

    Drunk, also …