Teabaggers Come Out Forcefully In Favor of Puppy Abuse

  dog shit

Even dogs themselves are in favor of puppy mills, if we put signs on them saying that's what they think.Teabaggers in Missouri are up in arms over a proposed law that would regulate the state’s puppy mills by requiring them to give a bitch some rest between pregnancies, yo, and feed the puppies actual food and water. This has enraged them, obviously, because such regulations infringe on our cherished freedom to abuse animals and buy cheap abused puppies. The group leading the charge against the law, “Alliance For Truth,” says the Humane Society hates animals and “seeks only to raise the cost of breeding dogs, making it ever-more difficult for middle-class American families to be dog-owners.” This is yet another big-government intrusion into our ownership of living beings. It’s like that slavery debacle all over again.

Anita Andrews from Alliance For Truth told TPM that it’s a “deceptive, lying bill” that is “trying to purposefully get rid of the breeders.” The state of Missouri, she said, has been given a bad rap as “the puppy mill capitol” of the U.S. but “in truth we have the best ribbon breeders in the country.” And, Andrews said, the state already has anti-cruelty laws on the books.

“They don’t like animals,” she said of the Humane Society.

Andrews also explained that Cass Sunstein, “one of the biggest animal rights activists,” and President Obama’s Administrator of the Office of Information and Regulatory Affairs, is tied to the Humane Society, and is helping them give Obama “a punch list” of the animals rights activists’ agenda.

It’s sort of amazing how every random bit of government action in this country can be traced back to that Kenyan. BUT IT’S SO TRUE. Obama is shoving that dog Bo in our faces, mocking middle-class Americans who can’t afford all but the most horrifically abused canines. [TPM]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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111 comments

  1. Badonkadonkette

    give a bitch some rest between pregnancies

    If Sarah doesn't need one, why does anyone else?

  2. elviouslyqueer

    Wait. I thought legalized gay marriage was the way we were going to get rid of the breeders.

  3. x111e7thst

    Fucking Kenyan. Next he will be trying to force the good people of Missouri to feed their children actual food and water instead of deep fried lard and corn syrup.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      No wonder they suspect every organization on the planet of intending the exact opposite of what its name implies.

    2. H Curve

      It's so hard for them to recognize the truth, let alone find it, that they have to form groups and alliances to improve the odds that their misguided attempts will chivy the truth from some underground burrow or a dusty, dated document! Bless their precious hearts, but they wouldn't recognize the Truth if it cock-punched them while screaming "I AM THE TRUF, BIYOTCHEZ!!!!"

      If the teabagger movement proves the height of participatory American politics in the next two elections, mark my words, America's future is boned.

  4. Ducksworthy

    Lets just show up at their rallies with beagles' heads in sticks to show that we're with them and against the global warming, anti-war, pro-abortion, humane treatment of people and animals conspiracy.

  5. Lucidamente1

    "making it ever-more difficult for middle-class American families to be dog-owners": like when you go to the local animal shelter and adopt a dog for free. Oh, right, that would be socialism. Retards.

  6. WigFlipper

    They literally believe in burning down houses and abusing puppies. They are literally cartoon villains.

  7. OneYieldRegular

    Well of COURSE the Humane Society hates animals. Otherwise they'd call themselves the Canine/Feline/Avian/Icthyological/Ferretological/Rodential/Tarantulean/Pet Turtlish/Other Critters Society.

  8. V572625694

    The Humane Society of the US is a kick-ass organization that will get any money I have left when I die and Medicare is through with me. They know the fact a vet once told me: all "pure-bred" dogs are sick mutants.

    It doesn't mean they aren't cute and lovable, and that we shouldn't treat them humanely. It just means we should stop making them.

    Oh, and Missoureh: cockfighting was legal there until a coupla years ago. Rural MO stacks up pretty strong in inbred retardism next to WV, Bama, etc.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Rural MO stacks up pretty strong in inbred retardism next to WV, Bama, etc.

      This pretty much explains Branson, yo.

  9. 4TheTurnstiles

    Oh yeah, Missouri's the fucking greatest. That's why it's on "COPS" all the time.

    Everything I know about Missouri I learned from "The Biggest Loser."

  10. Ducksworthy

    Also in attendance at the rally were representatives of the National Association of Child Abusers and Molesters of America. They have been persecuted by big gubbermint long enough.

  11. BaldarTFlagass

    As the owner of a breeder dog rescued from a puppy mill that three years on is still a total emotional and social retard (the dog, not me [mostly]), I hope these puppy-mill-supporting motherfuckers suffer an eternal afterlife having their genitals gnawed on by rabid wolverines with dull but serrated teeth.

  12. chascates

    Hell, in France you have to register your pets and the government sends you a notice each year to have their shots updated! And they don't allow dog fights either.

    1. OneYieldRegular

      Yes, but they don't make you file a lengthy report every time your dog leaves a mess on the trottoir, which is major failing of the system.

  13. JMPEsq

    Someone, maybe multiple someones, once joked that the Republicans had become so reflexive in opposing anything the Democratic party or liberals support that, if the Dems introduced a proposal in support of puppies and kittens, the wingnuts would say no and call it radical leftist extremism. Who knew that would prove to be literally true, at least in Missouri?

    1. twogoats

      This whole T-bagger thingee is a clever conspiracy to destroy the SNARK. They get us all twisted around whether the right to abuse animals is in the Constitution and meatball eating witches, and we are wasting our energies on these idiots who'll be dead of congestive heart failure by 2012 anyway. Meanwhile the GOP is merrily coasting along on a platform that boils down to "let's cut education spending so we can give $100,000 each to the top 4% of incomes in America." After all that's who is paying for the witch's ads. At some point snark just fails.

        1. twogoats

          Glen Beck says the Progressives led directly to Facism, Nazis and darkies in the White House. Just sayin'

  14. sati_demise

    oh for gods sake. these puppy mills cost us all money, and they cause all sorts of terrible suffering for puppies and dogs of all sorts.

    Just like the Tea Party to protest some really good reforms. Like Bill Krystol, they are always and reliably wrong. fuck these fucking fucks.

    I hope they get overrun & savaged by a pack of abused puppies, get rabies and distemper and parvo and die a horrible death.

    1. Monsieur_Grumpe

      Don't forget to hope for steaming doggie poop on their obsessively well manicured lawns.

  15. Lucidamente1

    Karl Rove or Glenn Beck should tell these retards "Kids, don't try this at home." If you're going to falsely attack someone on their strengths (Kerry the war hero "lied about his Vietnam service"; Obama the son of a white woman "hates white people") make sure you've got a major rightwing network behind you. Otherwise, "They [the Humane Society] don't like animals" makes you sound, well, like a retard.

  16. SayItWithWookies

    First they came for the puppy mills — and I said nothing because I was simply trying to clone Hitler in the Amazon jungle…

    1. JustPixelz

      Just like weiners aren't made from Anthony Weiner. Frankfurters aren't made from Barney Frank. Foot-longs aren't made from John Holmes.

    1. slappypaddy

      these people will never be running things. these people are puppets. the people who run the things would never let these people near the things. the strings would foul up the works.

  17. Rambone

    Dear imaginary deity in the sky: Oh please don't let the repubs take back congress for another couple years, at least.

    I gotta see where this all leads after the crazy percolates some more before running its course . . .

  18. Extemporanus

    Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend — inside of a dog, a Teabagger's thrusting cock makes it too hard to read.

  19. LionelHutzEsq

    Normal liberals. Regulate real people, but did anyone regulate Ted Kennedy's puppy mill? I think not.

  20. Nopantsmcgee

    These assholes fuck with the puppies and slap Joe the Dumbers head right into the next century.

    God this pisses me off more than any other teatarded thing they've done so far.

  21. PsycWench

    Next on their agenda: protesting those child labor laws. If I want my kids to work at a factory 14 hours a day starting at age 7, the government shouldn't stand in my way.

  22. doxastic

    And when less sick, neglected and abused products of the puppy mills trickle down from their middle class owners to the local ASPCA, it will make it even harder for socialist-american families to be dog-owners. As one such socialist-american shelter dog owner, I will not stand for it!

  23. Alex_P

    Joe the Plumber is the most prominent and successful dog breeder in Missouri. Well, no, not like, right now. But, hey, he could, you know? He's, like, this close to buying a dog. And then he'll breed it and make lots of money. Money that the liberals are trying to take away! Just like the billions of dollars in capital gains he is just about to earn on the stock exchange, any day now.

  24. spooked911

    Initially, I thought the last line read that Obama was shoving dog poo in our faces…

    anyway, I'm not sure it's a good idea to go against dog lovers– just ask Michael Vick.

  25. Gopherit

    Next thing you know, they'll want to restrict the breeding of Tea Baggers themselves!! GLENN BECK WAS RIGHT!!! IT'S EUGENICS! Though, to be honest, I thought their giant pannuses and hoverounds already accomplished that.

  26. largefooted

    Oh Missourah.

    You have the lowest Tobacco Tax, were the first state to "REPEAL OBAMER CARE," your former State House Speaker is in jail for sexual assault, and the Dems in the state General Assembly are hoping the FBI will actually prove the accusations of corruption and send Republican leadership to Federal Prison.

    And I call you home…

  27. BombyMcGee

    This new law stinks of Kenyan anti-colonialism. That's the only possible way you could understand it.

  28. MiniMencken

    Having fostered puppy mill dogs from Missouri that are routinely put out into the woods to die of exposure or starvation when they stop having lots of puppies, I can only hope that Andrews cunt mouthpiece for Alliance for Truth gets put into a small cage and to spend a few months wriggling around in her own excrement. These people are beyond disgusting.

  29. DepressedDaily

    Poor Missouri, having human rights violated by animal-huggers. Demand your right to be stupid, irrational, paranoid schizophrenics! If you can't abuse the animals, what else can you do, abuse your spouse and/or kids? Oh, right.

  30. WhatTheHeck

    Jesus is coming soon to rapture away these people from amongst us. And not a moment too soon.

  31. Laughitoff22

    I bet the humane society wouldn't even approve of making a tuxedo out of puppies! How dreadful!

  32. finallyhappy

    If you make them stop abusing animals, next it will be laws stopping people from beating their kids or marrying their siblings. WHERE does it stop?!

    1. JMPEsq

      Now, many wingnuts have already done been fighting against laws against child abuse. Really, they have.

  33. MapleLeafsfordawin!

    If this is the best "big government" can do at killing pets, it isn't very good. Leaving them in burning buildings with a fire crew outside is much more efficient and sends a message.

    1. glamourdammerung

      Given the "liberal media's" calling out their blatant falsehoods all the time, I can see why they make no effort to act sane and/or decent. After all, they will have the corporate media ignore or outright lie about their efforts.

  34. DustBowlBlues

    Having just rescued my fifth dog (because she's weiner/terrier mix and little, I only count her as a half, so that makes 4-1/2) I won't even dump the wonkeratti with a rant about these inhumane fucktards that I live among.

    If I won't the lottery, ASPCA and HSUS would have a lobbying budget to rival what the Cock brothers give the Teabaggers.

  35. Ducksworthy

    Once you step over the threshold of sanity and are safely outside it, anything becomes possible. If the International Panel on Climate Change is a communist conspiracy then the Humane Society of the United States could be too. And the Red Cross. Of COURSE the RED Cross. Think about it SHEEPLE.

  36. SheriffRoscoe

    Aha! The HSUS strikes again! In 2008, they were behind a California ballot initiative that starting in 2015, will require farmers to provide their animals enough room to stand up, lie down, turn around and, if applicable, spread their wings within the confines they were forced to live in. Conservatives, yes conservatives (surprise!) came out against the measure due to the fact that the government shouldn't be telling people how to treat animals humanely, with regulations.

    The measure known as Prop 2 passed, thank god.

  37. Redhead

    Well the shelters here do charge to adopt (I paid $100 to rescue my more-than-10-mixed-breeds mutt). But the shelters and rescue groups neuter/spay the animals first, and you can't teabag without balls.

  38. Giveusabob

    Issues that were also recently on the ballot in MO (where I live), according to some of my more conspiratorially-obsessed friends:

    Outlawing backyard gardens
    Suspending the franchise state-wide
    Mandatory ridership on public transit (y'know, with the darkies)

    So, in comparison, this one about puppy love seems pretty tame. I'm waiting until we finally get to vote on death panels (AND propose candidates for said panels!) before I bother voting again.

  39. lochnessmonster

    The people opposed to these laws should be forced to watch Animal Cops for a month so they can see just horrific people treat animals including those running puppy mills.

  40. thx11380

    If the puppy mill industry is regulated god will start killing puppies. So shame on you Obama for killing puppies.

    1. transfatz

      Yes. In my area fees are often waived, especially for more difficult to place dogs and cats.

  41. Gorilllionaire

    I swear to gawd if I had the Kock brothers money the Humane Society would have tanks and laser guided missles that kill retards.

  42. baxterthepug

    I got a pug that was rescued from a puppy mill in Missouri. She weighed 7 lbs. SEVEN F-ING POUNDS. Have you ever seen a 7 lb pug? No! Because they are supposed to weigh at least twice that, if not more. She had a urinary tract infection. She could only walk in a circle because she spent 3 years of her life in a 2×3 cage. She ate kibble one piece at a time, grabbing it and running away. She has very poor eyesight and had to have some teeth removed. She is afraid of men. They dumped her off to the rescue group because she "neglected her puppies, and the litter died." Ya think? What do you feed puppies with when you are literally skin and bones?

    Eat a big bag of rat dicks, teabaggers.

    1. transfatz

      I can take most of what goes on at Wonkette but lynching porn and heartrending dog stories like yours make me want to apologize for being human.

      1. baxterthepug

        I just couldn't bring the snark on this story…hits too close to where I live.

        I have to say that I disagree with people who want to eliminate all breeders, though. My first two pugs came from very dedicated women who showed their dogs. They bred rarely most often times finding another dog from out of state to widen the gene pool, usually had a waiting list, made you sign a contract that you wouldn't get their "papers" until your vet sent a letter saying the dog had been spayed/neutered, and took the dog back if there was a reason you couldn't keep it. Both dogs were healthy and had a wonderful disposition, and the breeders still keep in touch because they are interested in their dogs.

        Big difference between that and a puppy mill/backyard breeder. My other pug has been an enormous sense of comfort to my little rescue…taught her "how to be a dog."

        1. transfatz

          Thanks for the good ending. I'll sleep better.
          As for breeders, I've known some truly great "working dogs" (retrievers). These dogs are virtually telepathic. There are breeders and there are mills.

  43. realmurkin

    I don't get it. Puppies from mills are expensive. Any sort of purebred dog is likely going to cost $500-plus, which is why it's hilarious/tragic to see wealthy retards parading around their obviously fucked-up purebred dogs as a status symbol. Even with the fees from rescues or shelters, you're still usually only going to end up paying $300 at most, often as low as $75-$100, and that's in Seattle where you pay out the ass for everything. I would think shelters and rescues in Missouri would run even cheaper.

  44. Jerri

    I assume this means they are at least consistent with how they view female members of of the human and canine species? Still, no points for consistency on the grounds that they are total fucking goddamned assholes. My little rescue dog from the Humane Society wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire.

  45. ReturnToMetal

    Animal haters take in stray animals, feed them, tend to their wounds, and do everything they can to make them healthy.

    Animal lovers starve, beat, and otherwise abuse animals until they die and they no longer have to "love" them.

    Got it. Down is up again.

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