IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA  8:30 am October 5, 2010

Wrestling Lady & Fake Vietnam Veteran Do Fake Wrestling For CT

by Riley Waggaman

Linda McMahon, going for a 'burn cruise' with Christine O'Donnell.

  • A couple of sketchy Connecticut politicians battled by cue cards last night, in hopes of winning an all-expenses-paid six-year vacation with Joe Lieberman. Who were our lucky contestants? There’s Attorney “Four Star” General Richard Blumenthal, who previously got in a bit of trouble for claiming to be Vietnam, which is a blatant exaggeration. And then there’s Republican Linda McMahon, who in her former CEO life peddled “men in spandex, pretending to kill each other on teevee” to your impressionable, now brain-dead children. They mostly argued about our terrible economy, and Blumenthal even asked McMahon why Stone Cold Steve Austin action figurines are not manufactured in the good ol’ USA, to which McMahon obviously replied “because you commie liberals won’t let businesses use child slave labor.” According to the Internet, Blumenthal is leading by six points and apparently last night there were no gaffes, so maybe this means Blumenthal won by default? That sounds right to us! [TPM]
  • The Tea Party Express will hire as many automated telephone messages as it takes to beat ungrateful loser Lisa Murkowski. [McClatchy DC]
  • Faisal Shahzad, the fellow who attempted to blow up Times Square, will most likely be sentenced sometime today. He’ll probably serve a life sentence, but if the judge is grumpy, Faisal might get the chair instead. [CNN]
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Hola wonkerados.

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4TheTurnstiles October 5, 2010 at 8:34 am

This is how Linda McMahon made her cheddar. I can't tell which is worse, the steroid deaths or the undiluted racism.

deelzebub October 5, 2010 at 9:36 am

I'd say the blatant misogyny is the worst. Women of the WWE (still cracks me up they had to change the name because they lost a court case to panda-hugging hippies) are only portrayed as bar-fighting skanks or manipulative bitches. Linda was also fine with all the "storylines" that involved men slapping, pushing, arm twisting and pulling the hair of the women on the show.

4TheTurnstiles October 5, 2010 at 9:49 am

I don't disagree. it's an open question whether the comfortably middle-class three-latte and older female voters McMahon really give a shit about the suffering of "skanky" women who work with their hands (and the rest of their bodies) to get by. I very much doubt it. Oh Daddy, I'm through. &c.

Terry October 5, 2010 at 10:02 am

Panda hugging hippies are tougher than they look. Lots of panda hugging hippie lawyers, too. Very earnest ones.

Lascauxcaveman October 5, 2010 at 10:52 am

(@deezlbub) I would be embarrassed to know enough about WWE to make that comment.

deelzebub October 5, 2010 at 1:13 pm

I lived on a Naval base with a couple of sailors. As much as I whined, they wouldn't change the channel. I also want to state for the record that I am pro- panda hugging hippies and their hippie lawyers.

Swampgas_Man October 5, 2010 at 1:11 pm

Eh, I only watch the women wrestlers because it gives me a chubby. If I want to watch sweaty, oily men grab each other and roll around, I'll watch my gay porn collection, thank you.

(Yes, I AM multi-faceted, thank you).

4TheTurnstiles October 5, 2010 at 8:35 am

That said, I'd totally vote for Mr Fuji.

Buzz Feedback October 5, 2010 at 9:36 am

I'm waiting for them to bring the Iron Sheik back just so they can kill him to appeal to the Muslin haters.

Serolf_Divad October 5, 2010 at 8:40 am

If you haven't yet, then watch "9 1/2 weeks" followed by "The Wrestler."

Yeah, that's what Linda McMahon did to Mickey Rourke's face. Do you want Linda McMahon to do the same thing to America's face?

I thought not.

(P.S. I hereby give Richard Blumenthal permission to run my comment as a campaign commercial).

chickensmack October 5, 2010 at 9:44 am

Really? I thought it was because he went swimming in hypodermic needles and razor blades, and toweled off with a cilice.

V572625694 October 5, 2010 at 10:05 am

Could I just watch the first one, and fast-forward to the Kim Basinger and/or body-double nude scenes?

Thank you very much, sir!

JMPEsq October 5, 2010 at 10:15 am

There's also the Marisa Tomei nude scenes in the second; and it's definitely her.

V572625694 October 5, 2010 at 10:23 am

There's my whole evening, all laid out for me!

Fare la Volpe October 5, 2010 at 8:41 am

So who was the face and who was the heel?

ManchuCandidate October 5, 2010 at 8:44 am

Linda's the distillation of the GOPer ideal.

A "Celebrity"
Proclamations of Bidniz leader"ship"
Embarrassing past history involving oiled up males in tights
Issues with racism, sexism and helping cover up the actions of a pedophile
Appeals to the lowest common denominator
Has no fucking clue about real world issues
Pretty good at hyping up fake fights
Prefers deregulation of safety standards
Believes that the best solution to any problem is whacking someone in the back of the head with a folding chair

freakishlywrong October 5, 2010 at 9:43 am

Has absolutely no idea about this "minimum wage" thing either….

WorkTheSaxofone October 5, 2010 at 11:40 am

Thinks trashtalk and preening are essential political skills.

x111e7thst October 5, 2010 at 8:47 am

How does the stirring national debate embodied in this steel cage death match affect me personally? Which outcome gets me more modern love (buttsex)?

mrblifil October 5, 2010 at 8:52 am

I'll be they each own a dildo boat. Let's let them duke it out in international waters and whoever swims back to shore gets to WIN THE MORNING.

johnnyzhivago October 5, 2010 at 8:52 am

her former CEO life peddled “men in spandex, pretending to kill each other on teevee”

Are you sure you're not confusing her with Carly Fiorina?

weejee October 5, 2010 at 8:53 am

The Repubicans must have been doing cloning and stem cell research decades ago to have produced their current crop of loons. Just sayin'.

johnnyzhivago October 5, 2010 at 8:56 am

Instead of the chair, I'd punish Shazahd this way:

Tie him to a pole in a field at the Staten Island garbage dump, and then invite New Yorkers to blow him up with their own totally fucked up home made bombs – you know, knives and forks in a keg of pancake mix and gasoline; wasp spray cans in a bucket of chlorox wired to a Sears car battery; etc…

tcaalaw October 5, 2010 at 10:16 am

You seem curiously well-informed about the subject of improvised explosive devices….

HateMachine October 5, 2010 at 1:43 pm

Even better, make sure all but one of the IEDs are as shittily made as his. As in, not going to go off. Inform him of this arrangement.

The suspense will kill him long before one of the bombs has a chance to.

bureaucrap October 5, 2010 at 9:07 am

I remember WW I and WW II, but which war was WWE?

Serolf_Divad October 5, 2010 at 9:29 am

Your answer here.

(Short answer: WW 2.71828182845904523536… )

Terry October 5, 2010 at 10:07 am

You big nerd, you. I want to have your cyber babies.

lulzmonger October 5, 2010 at 2:54 pm

World War E (1993-1997) was fought with glow-sticks, pacifiers dosed with MDA & rocket-propelled platform-shoes to a four-year-long Shamen remix. Re-enactments continue in abandoned warehouses to this very day.

PS – nobody won.

James Michael Curley October 5, 2010 at 9:09 am

If you go to Yale you should be banned from politics. Consider Taft, Ford, a couple Bushes, a couple Clintons, John Kerry and Clarence Thomas.

Mindblank October 5, 2010 at 9:11 am

Good losers, yes, but I've never met a grateful one.

And give him the chair? Probably of the Yale School of Terrorism. Commies.

ttommyunger October 5, 2010 at 9:28 am

Soooo, Bloomie got to where he is by puffing his resume' and Linda got to where she is by puffing on Vince's pee-pee. If I lived in the great (But Tiny) State of Connecktikwhatthefuck, I just might have to sit this one out… I'm used to that; I live in Georgia, only goobers get elected on Planet Peanut.

JMPEsq October 5, 2010 at 9:32 am

On the one hand, Blumenthal seems like a decent, if boring, guy; on the other, after the many spectacles of Congressmen and Senators pretending to be shocked and appalled at the use of steroids in baseball (what's next, being shocked an appalled by rock stars drinking alcohol?), it would be an interesting change of pace to have a Senator with an unambiguous pro-steroid record.

HELisforHEL October 5, 2010 at 9:32 am

Ugh two stories with hometown connections. Blumenthal is pretty good-a real bulldog for consumers, even if he does look like a scary plastic Kennedy doll. McMahon, Queen of the porn 'n' blood kiddie theater has been busy bamboozling the idiot factors in CT media (namely, The CT Post newsrag and WICC, the loud and lousy AM station that covers nearly the entire state), so I hold a bit of fear that she could actually win. I don't even want to comment on Cloven Hoof Joe.

I have to say, though-when newscasters came to CT re: The Boy Who Would Be a Terrorist, they went on & on about his "home in Connecticut, complete with a swimming pool!" –in reality, a pathetic 3 ft tub in a shitty Bridgeport neighborhood.

Connecticut-home to rich clueless assholes trying to buy an election and poor clueless assholes trying to ignite a bomb made with pixiestix and carpet cleaner.

I have no idea where I'm going with this.

PrezCamacho October 5, 2010 at 9:43 am

Dont underestimate wrestling. Or Pr0n. That's how I became the greatest prez ever.

Tigersmistress October 5, 2010 at 9:44 am

She should have razor cut her forehead. Instant vote!

Limeylizzie October 5, 2010 at 9:55 am

I was in a little Indie movie about 4 years ago , bankrolled by McMahon's daughter-in-law, and just yesterday got a check for residuals from SAG who had sued her for unpaid monies for the entire cast. Nice business practices there McMahons.

V572625694 October 5, 2010 at 10:23 am


HELisforHEL October 5, 2010 at 10:54 am

I have friends who worked at WWE; the McMahons run a mysoginistic shithole filled with kids straight out of school who they exploit and threaten. People stay because they either buy into the bullying philosphy or because they are desperate to stay in 'the entertainment business' where jobs aren't so easy to come by. Dirty little soap opera indeed.

If this asshat thinks she can bully her way through the Senate, if she thinks she'll be surrounded by scared puppets beyond her staff, she's in for a surprise. She will be more than the useless sack of shit she already is. Gawd help us if she wins.

Steverino247 October 5, 2010 at 9:55 am

The best sentence for an asshole who wants to die is to keep him alive as long as possible.

"I want to die for jihad!"

"NO! Hahahaha!"

Terry October 5, 2010 at 10:01 am

The Tea baggers are going to spend "six figures" on telephone calls and ads in Alaska against Murkowski? Do they realize that there are only about 600,000 people in Alaska, half of whom live in Anchorage. If they aren't lying about the amount of money (lying is actually fairly likely with that bunch), that means they will call every man, woman, and child in the State at least a couple times. Annoy them that way and Murkowski may win with a 40% margin.

NorthStarSpanx October 5, 2010 at 10:51 am

I loved it when these learned folks bragged that they'd bus out the campaign for the carpeteabagger in a State where only 1/4 of the landmass has connecting roads. Instead they took a luxury cruise and island hopped the tropical part of the State.

It's snowing in most parts of the State now, Todd and Sarah will be busy issuing Arctic Cat snow gear for all the Cali-baggers.

Terry October 5, 2010 at 10:56 am

If it's snowing, they'll definitely not go. It'd be easier just to pay some firm in Bangalore to make the calls.

SarcasticNymph October 5, 2010 at 12:46 pm

Bus loads of clueless teabaggers, shouting incoherently as they disappear into the frozen wastes. Nearby, polar bears bide their time.

Mmm – thanks for that image. I'll sleep well tonight.

GeneralLerong October 5, 2010 at 11:42 am

Or – gasp! – the large independent and undeclared contingent of voters might just elect the Democrat McAdams.

Could happen. Although there does seem to be a group of boneheads who with great and painful effort reason out that, if a Republican teabagger is the devil, we must elect another Republican to cast him out. The known devil is better than the unknown Democratic angel, apparently. Or maybe they rightly fear that voting Democratic will cause their heads to explode – such a mess for those poor election volunteers to have to mop up, tsk.

Terry October 5, 2010 at 10:07 am

Yale? Certainly you jest. Yale gave up pretending to be prestigious based on the quality of education provided there and concentrated on prestige based on the number of "legacy" students and children of wealthy parents who can afford the tuition. That name sure does look good on a diploma, doesn't it?

DoctorAwesomus October 5, 2010 at 10:09 am

I'm just looking for an excuse to type "Walls of Jericho." So here you go.

GOPCrusher October 5, 2010 at 1:00 pm

I'd like to see Randy Orton give her a boot to the head, like he's done to the rest of the McMahon family.

PsycWench October 5, 2010 at 11:05 am

OK, FINE. New Haven Community College, then.

mavenmaven October 5, 2010 at 11:08 am

"Well she’s not a quitter. She didn’t give up. She was fired"

Because quitting is a right reserved only for tea baggers.

DashboardBuddha October 5, 2010 at 11:58 am

I sincerely hope McMahon loses because at the heart of things, I really don't want crazy fucks running the country. On the other hand, Wrestlemania Twat in the senate would be totally hilarious.

DashboardBuddha October 5, 2010 at 12:01 pm

(the new ad) LeanSpa? Get a celebrity body today? I already have a celebrity body.

Ernest Borgnine is a celebrity, right?

neiltheblaze October 5, 2010 at 12:05 pm

Sorry, but I only want certified Chinese action figurines, not the phony American ones. It's the lead paint.

deelzebub October 5, 2010 at 4:24 pm

No. Yes. Dr. Girlfriend is sexy, she just overdid it with the whiskey and cigarettes.

BarackMyWorld October 5, 2010 at 10:17 pm

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