'i'm not a witch'

Christine O’Donnell Comes Out of Hiding, Claims To Be ‘You’

Ye shall not suffer a witch.Your favorite disappearing Delaware meatball wiccan has reappeared on the television and the YouTube! Turns out she’s running for Senate or something? And now she’s tan, ready and rested — which means she’s ready to talk about the important issues facing America. For instance: “I’m not a witch. I’m nothing you’ve heard.” Oh boy. Also: “I’m you.” You’re us?


So this is all some terrifying dream where we’re watching ourselves run for Delaware Senate, and we are also college sleazebags/41-year-old virgins/witches/meatball lovers/creationists?

If Christine is us then who are we? Oh god. [New York Times]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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135 comments

      1. mookwrthwilson

        I can't actually see her ad due to my fap induced blindness, but I am pretty damn sure she is not me…

    1. nachoproblem

      But wait, what if she's also masturbating to her own ad? Then maybe I am her!

      No… no… she would lie about it, and I cannot do that. I'm definitely not a politician.

  1. Sparky_McGruff

    I am Spartacus.

    No, I meant to say, I am dumb as a stump, and I will say anything that sounds like it will get me a buck, or at least make people like me. Just like Spartacus.

  2. straighteight

    Frankly it's just creepy. I feel like she's my teacher and she's trying to convince me that us banging in the backseat of her Corolla isn't wrong as she's pawing at my thigh.

    Also, if "I am not a witch" is not the worst opening line of a campaign ad in the history of televised advertising it is very close.

      1. PuckStopsHere

        Oh, no. "I am not a witch" IS the worst opening line of a campaign ad in the history of televised advertising. A close (very, very close) second: "I'm George W. Bush and I approved this message."

        1. Swampgas_Man

          "I'm ____, and there was a perfect legitimate reason for those naked children to be in my pants!"

    1. Terry

      That music is creepy, too. Sort of like Terms of Endearment or what you'd hear in the ad for a place or company offering to help you "work through the complexities of modern life."

      No, Christine, you are not me. I pay my bills, for instance.

    2. nachoproblem

      Are you kidding? It's an instant classic. Almost as good as "I am not a crook."

      Also, I think I might be okay with her pawing me in the back seat of a Corolla. Are you sure that's wrong?

      1. straighteight

        I meant "worst" as if I actually cared about Christine O'Donnell's campaign, which I do not. Strategically, it probably isn't wise for a candidate to begin a political ad with "I'm not a witch." I suppose if the other candidate *was* a witch, it wouldn't hurt.

        Great for comedy, though.

  3. drrty_martini

    You can see her eyes as they follow the words on the TelePromptorZ. It was like she wasn't just me…but…READING me!

    But she will end up seducing voters with that blowjob mouth.

  4. LionelHutzEsq

    “I’m not a witch. I’m nothing you’ve heard.”

    So, she is a serial masturbator and is smarter than a rock?

    1. DaSandman

      It's so true. However if you were spending the rest of your life banging subliterate hairy Teabag women with extra chromosomes and a full blown muffin top, fapping to Bristol and Chrissy the Pooh might seem attractive.

      1. exmartinette

        True that. And now that O'Donnell has consubstantiated herself into the very beings of each and every male teabagger, they're touching themselves even more than usual.

    2. Terry

      Someone with a brain would question the tea bagger talking points that Dick Armey writes up for them.

    3. JMPEsq

      Not exactly; to them, brains are a negative. Just acknowledging proven scientific fact, like evolution, man-made global warming, or apparently relativity is heresy to them.

  5. KathrynSane

    "The creatures outside looked from Christine to the Wonkettes, and from the Wonkettes to Christine, and from Christine to the Wonkettes again; but already it was impossible to say which was which."

    Haha, just kidding, that woman is CRAZY.

  6. mumbly_joe

    Honestly, I'm lazy, rarely sober, have terrible social skills and grooming, spend most of my awake time playing video games or masturbating (or both!), can't manage a budget for my life, and could never be bothered to learn more about any important world issue than could be distilled into a two-sentence summary. So, why the everloving fuck would I ever want to elect me to the United States Senate? I'd be a terrible Senator.

    1. Preferred Customer

      Actually, you sound substantially better than Ms. O'Donnell. Are you a resident of Delaware? YOUR COUNTRY NEEDS YOU.

    2. nachoproblem

      Don't beat yourself up. From that description you'd be an average Senator or better. At the very least, you'd be Fred Thompson.

      1. mumbly_joe

        This did occur to me after I had said this thing. I didn't really describe myself in a manner that presents me as less appealing than many senators. At the very worst, "lazy drunken chronic masturbator" would still leave me in the running for, say, House Minority Leader.

  7. SmutBoffin

    Heh, how much you wanna bet that pictures exist of this lady having sex with the members of b-list heavy metal acts? She's appears to have a personal background similar to that of an itinerant groupie.

    Mustaine/O'Donnel sex tape to drop soon?

  8. SecretMuslin

    She went a little crazy with the flat iron and the smoothing cream. Her hair looks greasy. Does flat, greasy hair convey trustworthiness in focus groups? I think not, Christine. I think not.

    1. kittylittr

      Her hair is meant to convey her repentance for its severe cutting problems and all the wild and crazy perms it got into back before Christine found Jesus.

    2. mrblifil

      I was thinking that. She barely has her shit together to get herself to look mildly presentable for a somewhat formal/business appearance. Yet she thinks she can handle the demands of being a US Senator. I almost want her to win the election because the fucking flameout would be epic.

    3. kenlayisalive

      Yeah, and if she doesn't want to be a witch, is dying her hair black really a good move? Because I thought she had red hair, and the second I saw that photo I was all like "who is this witch?"

  9. tbogg

    All campaign ads should end with : "I am (candidate) and I approve this message. And I'm also not a witch. Too"

    Also. Too. Ken, I kicked your ass in the headline dept.

  10. FlipOffResearch

    we are also college sleazebags/41-year-old virgins/witches/meatball lovers/creationists?

    If Christine is us then who are we? Oh god.

    Cretinists’

  11. facehead

    I guess I'll have to stop touching ourself, damn you Xtine!!!

    But seriously folks, what is more retarded:

    A) Speaking directly into the camera for 30 seconds and ending with "I approve this message" (O Rly? You mean the one that just came out of your mouth?!?!)

    B) Starting anything by sincerely saying "I'm not a witch."

    C) Wearing a pearl necklace and saying "backroom" with a twinkle in your eye.

    ?????

    Correct answer gets a years supply of eye-of-newt flavored TruckNutz.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      She's legally required to say the "I'm <My Name Here>, and I approve this message." All the rest is just reg'lar ol' stupid.

  12. weejee

    O’Donnell: Thrice the brinded Beck hath mew'd.
    Palin: Thrice and once, the hedge-fund whin'd.
    Lieberman in drag: Harpies farted:—'tis time! 'tis time!
    O’Donnell: Round about the caldron go;
    In the hookworm'd entrails throw.—
    Newt, that under cold stone,
    Days and nights just thirty-one;
    Electioneer'd venom sleeping got,
    Boil thou first i' the charmed pot!
    All: Double, double toil and trouble;
    Fire burn, and caldron bubble.

      1. HELisforHEL

        Wouldn't Xtine qualify for Shemp's role? She has the greasy, flat, eww hair.
        And the plain dumb crazy.

  13. SayItWithWookies

    Has Christine completely given up? Most politicians at least have the sense to wear a cowboy hat or speak in the lingo of their target audience of the moment. This is like the lamest acknowledgment that she's got too much ground to cover and no time to do it in. A catchier phrase would be "I care about each and every one of you — whoever the fuck you are."

    1. nachoproblem

      But she's from Delaware. Do they wear cowboy hats in Delaware? What the fuck do they wear in Delaware? What the fuck do they even make there, besides credit card debt?

    2. Katydid

      It's Delaware. She'd have to hang credit cards around her neck or hold up boat registrations to connect with her target audience.

  14. SaintRond

    Remember that you are not alone. You are never alone. Ladies, and I'm thinking about you… And that goes for you too, Ms. Benincasa… Every time you eat a meatball, or don those harem pants in the back of your lower dresser drawer for easy access… Every time you whip up a Pizza for One with meatballs for an evening of beating your meat until you can't take one more little slap on that thing – I am there with you, like God. I am with you. I am with you and I am you, like God with Jesus.

    Somewhere, someplace, Sarah Beininsaca or someome just like her is beating her meat. But never fear. Christine is with you. With you to the point of being you.

    (Jesus, the thought of Sarah going to town is making me feel a love of humanity that I never thought possible)

    Peace… God bless…

  15. Troubledog

    Don Draper couldn't have done better.

    "I'm not a witch". Yes, I agree, you appear calm and normal, and it does seem silly.

    "And I will go to Washington, and I'm going to do what you'd do".

    This is genius.

    1. transfatz

      "And I will go to Washington, and I'm going to do what you'd do"
      First she's going to bathe and masturbate? Then she's going to drink too much bourbon and eat all the prawns in the fridge? I guess I won't have to do that then.

  16. Jukesgrrl

    Isn't she reading the lyrics to a Beatles song? From the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi era?

    I'm cryin'. Goo goo ca choo.

  17. Rambone

    It looks like the teabaggers have finally found someone who makes Sarah Palin look, by comparison, like a reasonable choice for high office . . . A cunning plan, indeed!

  18. Radiotherapy

    New show:
    Dewitched
    Brought to you by the RNC.
    ♫♪Da duh, Da da da da da. Da duh, Da da da da da♫♪

  19. Rambone

    Well, if she's not a witch why do I get the feeling she just threatened to take my soul if I don't vote for her?

  20. OhHellToTheNo

    Great, she's the one person in America who had that Time Magazine cover where the person of the year was "You" framed and hanging on her wall. Thanks, Time Magazine, you're the reason we can't have nice things. YOU.

  21. Lazy Media

    The creepy kindergarten naptime/slasher movie music really helped teach me something about myself. My left profile IS my good side.

  22. finallyhappy

    "I'm nothing, you've heard!" yes, Chrissie, we heard you were nothing. And no, you are not me although I did attend Oxford too(if sleeping on the sofa in someone's room for 4 nights in 1971 counts).

  23. wonkdc

    Damnnit, someone beat me to the Monty Python reference.
    But seriously, if she's not a witch, why is she dressed all in black and with a cloudy background as deep blue as the midnight sky? They should have dressed her up in cheery pastel colors or something…

  24. wonkdc

    …And, apparently, she has mastered the arcane art of soul-exchanging astral projection and she can proudly claim that she is ME. <shudder>

  25. mrblifil

    Why is she even campaigning? Surely God has already decided whether she's going to win or not, so she may as well get some other shit done in the meanwhile.

  26. Redhead

    Of COURSE she's not a Wiccan NOW. She said she dabbled in it before going on to dabble in Buddhism and Hari Krishna-ism (and the Flying Spaghetti Monster's noodly appendage, I'm assuming based on her love of meatballs).

    That Wiccan thing was just an excuse to buy the Harry Potter "magic flying broomstick" vibrator, back before she stopped masturbating and found true craziness.

  27. ttommyunger

    Miss O"Donnell, I know ttommyunger, ttommyunger is a friend of mine; and you, Miss O'Donnell are no ttommyunger.

  28. Urban_Achiever

    I don't know Christine, I've worked a full-time job now for at least 12 years, so I'm not sure how you can be ME.

    Also, most of what I've heard about you, has come straight outta your mouth! Explain yourself, witch!

  29. Flat_Earther

    "I'm nothing you've heard." Really? You were the one who told us. What are we to believe Christine? Which publicity whore is telling the truth?

  30. DoctorAwesomus

    What if God was one of us…
    Just a cracked-out dabbler and severe botard like one of us…
    Just a lurching stump like one of us…

  31. tcaalaw

    Isn't LBJ alleged to have said something to the effect of, "Let's make my opponent deny he's a donkey-fucker"? The opening line of the ad reminded me of that story.

  32. OneDollarJuana

    I think you all misheard Xtine. She didn't say "I'm you", she said "I'm Yoo", as in John Yoo. Who's also a jerk-off.

    1. DashboardBuddha

      Man…I wish I had thought of that when the whole COD thing started.

      Dash off a quick witch themed design
      Set up a store on cafe press
      Profit (tiny profit, but still)

      Is it too late? I'm kinda hoping she wins now.

  33. neiltheblaze

    Shall I dabble in witchcraft, or join the Hari Krishnas? It's a deep question because they are so metaphysically similar.

  34. natoslug

    She may not be a witch, but she may be an inflatable. Either that or the last few weeks have been cruel to her and she's eating her way through the pain. As someone who turns to ice cream and beer to cope with stress, I feel your pain, Christine!

  35. marionetta

    First I was Linda Tripp (I'm you!) now I'm Xtine O'Donnell (I'm you!)

    At least I'm getting younger.

    And revirgined.

  36. KobayashiMaru

    Wait, she is me? If she is me, that is to say, if she and I are…what I mean is, if she…ah fuck it. WITCH!

  37. lulzmonger

    "I'm you … if you stopped taking your meds for a week or two."

    You'd do what I'd do in DC? Kick some rightwingers in the nuts with steel-toed boots on? Fact is, I'd pay you good money to do it, honey … but I don't think you've got the guts.

    No more backroom deals – she'll smoke that lobbyist pole right out in public & let you watch! ($4.99/minute)

  38. DonnyKerabotsos

    "…It's great to be here, where ever I am…and if I've never been here before, it's great to be back…"

    –Bill Hicks, RIP

  39. foog

    if it wasn't for the horrible people (i.e. Christine O’Donnell) who claim that she has "dabbled in witchcraft" she wouldn't be forced to do this ad. Christine is not a witch, and y'all know it. Besides, who hasn't "dabbled" in things, amiright? Next thing your going to smear her with is that she can't be anti masturbation just because she's rubbed up against the washer/dryer a few lonely washdays. Or that a quick, forgettable fuck with a fratboy and subsequent abortion mean she can't be pro-abstinence. Besides, how could she possibly be a witch when she is not wearing a pointy black hat to go with her black dress in front of a black background?

Comments are closed.