'I'M NOT A WITCH'  12:21 am October 5, 2010

Christine O’Donnell Comes Out of Hiding, Claims To Be ‘You’

by Ken Layne

Ye shall not suffer a witch.Your favorite disappearing Delaware meatball wiccan has reappeared on the television and the YouTube! Turns out she’s running for Senate or something? And now she’s tan, ready and rested — which means she’s ready to talk about the important issues facing America. For instance: “I’m not a witch. I’m nothing you’ve heard.” Oh boy. Also: “I’m you.” You’re us?

So this is all some terrifying dream where we’re watching ourselves run for Delaware Senate, and we are also college sleazebags/41-year-old virgins/witches/meatball lovers/creationists?

If Christine is us then who are we? Oh god. [New York Times]

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Hola wonkerados.

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MarionNYNY October 5, 2010 at 12:23 am

Yeah, she's me if I didn't have a steady job or a sex life and couldn't keep my story straight for more than a day. Oh shit, she's me.

Buzz Feedback October 5, 2010 at 12:23 am

You're not me, Christine. Cause I'm masturbating furiously to your ad.

Beowoof October 5, 2010 at 12:28 am

As a fellow fapper, I can truthfully she is not me, fap fap fap fap

mookwrthwilson October 5, 2010 at 10:19 am

I can't actually see her ad due to my fap induced blindness, but I am pretty damn sure she is not me…

nachoproblem October 5, 2010 at 1:06 pm

But wait, what if she's also masturbating to her own ad? Then maybe I am her!

No… no… she would lie about it, and I cannot do that. I'm definitely not a politician.

Sparky_McGruff October 5, 2010 at 12:25 am

I am Spartacus.

No, I meant to say, I am dumb as a stump, and I will say anything that sounds like it will get me a buck, or at least make people like me. Just like Spartacus.

straighteight October 5, 2010 at 12:26 am

Frankly it's just creepy. I feel like she's my teacher and she's trying to convince me that us banging in the backseat of her Corolla isn't wrong as she's pawing at my thigh.

Also, if "I am not a witch" is not the worst opening line of a campaign ad in the history of televised advertising it is very close.

emmelemm October 5, 2010 at 12:31 am

If someone's campaign ad started with "I am a witch," I would vote for them, no question.

PuckStopsHere October 5, 2010 at 12:40 am

Oh, no. "I am not a witch" IS the worst opening line of a campaign ad in the history of televised advertising. A close (very, very close) second: "I'm George W. Bush and I approved this message."

Swampgas_Man October 5, 2010 at 1:19 pm

"I'm ____, and there was a perfect legitimate reason for those naked children to be in my pants!"

straighteight October 5, 2010 at 1:04 am

Most definitely.

Terry October 5, 2010 at 7:42 am

That music is creepy, too. Sort of like Terms of Endearment or what you'd hear in the ad for a place or company offering to help you "work through the complexities of modern life."

No, Christine, you are not me. I pay my bills, for instance.

BombyMcGee October 5, 2010 at 11:27 am

Remind anyone of "I am not a crook"?

nachoproblem October 5, 2010 at 1:08 pm

Bah, you beat me to it.

nachoproblem October 5, 2010 at 1:08 pm

Are you kidding? It's an instant classic. Almost as good as "I am not a crook."

Also, I think I might be okay with her pawing me in the back seat of a Corolla. Are you sure that's wrong?

straighteight October 5, 2010 at 1:51 pm

I meant "worst" as if I actually cared about Christine O'Donnell's campaign, which I do not. Strategically, it probably isn't wise for a candidate to begin a political ad with "I'm not a witch." I suppose if the other candidate *was* a witch, it wouldn't hurt.

Great for comedy, though.

Mumbletypeg October 5, 2010 at 12:27 am

Today Christine O'Donnell is all of us.

Chet Kincaid October 5, 2010 at 12:30 am

Yes Christine, you're nothing, I've heard.

drrty_martini October 5, 2010 at 12:32 am

You can see her eyes as they follow the words on the TelePromptorZ. It was like she wasn't just me…but…READING me!

But she will end up seducing voters with that blowjob mouth.

V572625694 October 5, 2010 at 10:21 am

You think she has DSLs? They seem a bit thin.

OkieDokieDog October 5, 2010 at 12:32 am

No, you're not me, Christine. I'm not a crazy conservative feminist teahadist.

awesome_dude October 5, 2010 at 12:37 am


nounverb911 October 5, 2010 at 1:37 am

I'd rather be Spartacus.

LionelHutzEsq October 5, 2010 at 12:38 am

“I’m not a witch. I’m nothing you’ve heard.”

So, she is a serial masturbator and is smarter than a rock?

Terry October 5, 2010 at 7:46 am

I was wondering if she weighs more than a duck.

Bezoar October 5, 2010 at 11:23 am

Ha! She turned me into a Newt!

exmartinette October 5, 2010 at 12:38 am

Bachmann, Palin, now this ditz. To the teabaggers, looks are everything, brains are nothing.

DaSandman October 5, 2010 at 12:43 am

It's so true. However if you were spending the rest of your life banging subliterate hairy Teabag women with extra chromosomes and a full blown muffin top, fapping to Bristol and Chrissy the Pooh might seem attractive.

exmartinette October 5, 2010 at 12:56 am

True that. And now that O'Donnell has consubstantiated herself into the very beings of each and every male teabagger, they're touching themselves even more than usual.

Terry October 5, 2010 at 7:44 am

Someone with a brain would question the tea bagger talking points that Dick Armey writes up for them.

JMPEsq October 5, 2010 at 7:47 am

Not exactly; to them, brains are a negative. Just acknowledging proven scientific fact, like evolution, man-made global warming, or apparently relativity is heresy to them.

KathrynSane October 5, 2010 at 12:39 am

"The creatures outside looked from Christine to the Wonkettes, and from the Wonkettes to Christine, and from Christine to the Wonkettes again; but already it was impossible to say which was which."

Haha, just kidding, that woman is CRAZY.

RedneckMuslin October 5, 2010 at 6:37 am

but already it was impossible to say which was witch."


LionelHutzEsq October 5, 2010 at 12:39 am

“I’m not a witch , , , ”

Why does she hate religion so?

mumbly_joe October 5, 2010 at 12:39 am

Honestly, I'm lazy, rarely sober, have terrible social skills and grooming, spend most of my awake time playing video games or masturbating (or both!), can't manage a budget for my life, and could never be bothered to learn more about any important world issue than could be distilled into a two-sentence summary. So, why the everloving fuck would I ever want to elect me to the United States Senate? I'd be a terrible Senator.

Preferred Customer October 5, 2010 at 8:48 am

Actually, you sound substantially better than Ms. O'Donnell. Are you a resident of Delaware? YOUR COUNTRY NEEDS YOU.

nachoproblem October 5, 2010 at 1:21 pm

Don't beat yourself up. From that description you'd be an average Senator or better. At the very least, you'd be Fred Thompson.

mumbly_joe October 5, 2010 at 1:26 pm

This did occur to me after I had said this thing. I didn't really describe myself in a manner that presents me as less appealing than many senators. At the very worst, "lazy drunken chronic masturbator" would still leave me in the running for, say, House Minority Leader.

Steverino247 October 5, 2010 at 12:40 am

But does she weigh as much as a duck?

Dr_pangloss October 5, 2010 at 9:05 am

She's made out of wood?

Ducksworthy October 5, 2010 at 10:08 am

Is she responsible for the creation of Newt?

nachoproblem October 5, 2010 at 1:22 pm

He hasn't gotten better, that's for sure.

TanzbodenKoenig October 5, 2010 at 2:29 pm

Build a bridge out of her!

SmutBoffin October 5, 2010 at 12:43 am

Heh, how much you wanna bet that pictures exist of this lady having sex with the members of b-list heavy metal acts? She's appears to have a personal background similar to that of an itinerant groupie.

Mustaine/O'Donnel sex tape to drop soon?

Masturbater October 5, 2010 at 1:36 am

Cue Frampton: "I'm in you, you're in me…."

zhubajie October 5, 2010 at 9:45 am

Probably with the roadies.

SecretMuslin October 5, 2010 at 12:51 am

She went a little crazy with the flat iron and the smoothing cream. Her hair looks greasy. Does flat, greasy hair convey trustworthiness in focus groups? I think not, Christine. I think not.

kittylittr October 5, 2010 at 2:44 am

Her hair is meant to convey her repentance for its severe cutting problems and all the wild and crazy perms it got into back before Christine found Jesus.

mrblifil October 5, 2010 at 8:48 am

I was thinking that. She barely has her shit together to get herself to look mildly presentable for a somewhat formal/business appearance. Yet she thinks she can handle the demands of being a US Senator. I almost want her to win the election because the fucking flameout would be epic.

kenlayisalive October 5, 2010 at 12:30 pm

Yeah, and if she doesn't want to be a witch, is dying her hair black really a good move? Because I thought she had red hair, and the second I saw that photo I was all like "who is this witch?"

PocketsTheClown October 5, 2010 at 12:52 am


Oh shit, now she's going to want a restraining order.

twoeightnine October 5, 2010 at 12:56 am

Haha Christine, you're masturbating right now! And again in an hour.

tbogg October 5, 2010 at 12:56 am

All campaign ads should end with : "I am (candidate) and I approve this message. And I'm also not a witch. Too"

Also. Too. Ken, I kicked your ass in the headline dept.

twoeightnine October 5, 2010 at 1:01 am

Her teeth got whiter. Must be the pearl necklace.

imissopus October 5, 2010 at 1:02 am

So you also hate you with the fiery intensity of a thousand suns?

FlipOffResearch October 5, 2010 at 1:04 am

we are also college sleazebags/41-year-old virgins/witches/meatball lovers/creationists?

If Christine is us then who are we? Oh god.


facehead October 5, 2010 at 1:09 am

I guess I'll have to stop touching ourself, damn you Xtine!!!

But seriously folks, what is more retarded:

A) Speaking directly into the camera for 30 seconds and ending with "I approve this message" (O Rly? You mean the one that just came out of your mouth?!?!)

B) Starting anything by sincerely saying "I'm not a witch."

C) Wearing a pearl necklace and saying "backroom" with a twinkle in your eye.


Correct answer gets a years supply of eye-of-newt flavored TruckNutz.

Fare la Volpe October 5, 2010 at 8:47 am

She's legally required to say the "I'm <My Name Here>, and I approve this message." All the rest is just reg'lar ol' stupid.

weejee October 5, 2010 at 1:22 am

O’Donnell: Thrice the brinded Beck hath mew'd.
Palin: Thrice and once, the hedge-fund whin'd.
Lieberman in drag: Harpies farted:—'tis time! 'tis time!
O’Donnell: Round about the caldron go;
In the hookworm'd entrails throw.—
Newt, that under cold stone,
Days and nights just thirty-one;
Electioneer'd venom sleeping got,
Boil thou first i' the charmed pot!
All: Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and caldron bubble.

Jukesgrrl October 5, 2010 at 2:14 am

Eye of Newt and toe of Rove.

mrblifil October 5, 2010 at 8:43 am

Doesn't quite scan but golfclaps all around nevertheless.

iburl October 5, 2010 at 1:27 am

You're me? Fuck me.

Dr_pangloss October 5, 2010 at 9:01 am

"I'd fuck me. I'd fuck me hard." does a little dance.

nounverb911 October 5, 2010 at 1:39 am

Bachmann, Palin and O'Donnell starring in "The Three Stooges 2010"

Fare la Volpe October 5, 2010 at 8:49 am

Does that make Angle the Shemp?

HELisforHEL October 5, 2010 at 9:49 am

Wouldn't Xtine qualify for Shemp's role? She has the greasy, flat, eww hair.
And the plain dumb crazy.

SayItWithWookies October 5, 2010 at 1:48 am

Has Christine completely given up? Most politicians at least have the sense to wear a cowboy hat or speak in the lingo of their target audience of the moment. This is like the lamest acknowledgment that she's got too much ground to cover and no time to do it in. A catchier phrase would be "I care about each and every one of you — whoever the fuck you are."

nachoproblem October 5, 2010 at 1:29 pm

But she's from Delaware. Do they wear cowboy hats in Delaware? What the fuck do they wear in Delaware? What the fuck do they even make there, besides credit card debt?

Katydid October 5, 2010 at 1:33 pm

It's Delaware. She'd have to hang credit cards around her neck or hold up boat registrations to connect with her target audience.

SaintRond October 5, 2010 at 1:51 am

Remember that you are not alone. You are never alone. Ladies, and I'm thinking about you… And that goes for you too, Ms. Benincasa… Every time you eat a meatball, or don those harem pants in the back of your lower dresser drawer for easy access… Every time you whip up a Pizza for One with meatballs for an evening of beating your meat until you can't take one more little slap on that thing – I am there with you, like God. I am with you. I am with you and I am you, like God with Jesus.

Somewhere, someplace, Sarah Beininsaca or someome just like her is beating her meat. But never fear. Christine is with you. With you to the point of being you.

(Jesus, the thought of Sarah going to town is making me feel a love of humanity that I never thought possible)

Peace… God bless…

Troubledog October 5, 2010 at 2:07 am

Don Draper couldn't have done better.

"I'm not a witch". Yes, I agree, you appear calm and normal, and it does seem silly.

"And I will go to Washington, and I'm going to do what you'd do".

This is genius.

transfatz October 5, 2010 at 4:44 am

"And I will go to Washington, and I'm going to do what you'd do"
First she's going to bathe and masturbate? Then she's going to drink too much bourbon and eat all the prawns in the fridge? I guess I won't have to do that then.

Dr_pangloss October 5, 2010 at 8:58 am

She's going to do what I'd do? Rub one out in every bathroom in the Capitol Building?

Jukesgrrl October 5, 2010 at 2:18 am

Isn't she reading the lyrics to a Beatles song? From the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi era?

I'm cryin'. Goo goo ca choo.

Toomush_Infer October 5, 2010 at 10:03 am

So now I'm a Walrus….?

Radiotherapy October 5, 2010 at 2:21 am

Hey, I'm not a witch either.

JustPixelz October 5, 2010 at 4:56 am

see? she's you.

Rambone October 5, 2010 at 2:32 am

It looks like the teabaggers have finally found someone who makes Sarah Palin look, by comparison, like a reasonable choice for high office . . . A cunning plan, indeed!

Radiotherapy October 5, 2010 at 2:35 am

New show:
Brought to you by the RNC.
♫♪Da duh, Da da da da da. Da duh, Da da da da da♫♪

Rambone October 5, 2010 at 2:44 am

Well, if she's not a witch why do I get the feeling she just threatened to take my soul if I don't vote for her?

OhHellToTheNo October 5, 2010 at 3:19 am

Great, she's the one person in America who had that Time Magazine cover where the person of the year was "You" framed and hanging on her wall. Thanks, Time Magazine, you're the reason we can't have nice things. YOU.

Extemporanus October 5, 2010 at 4:39 am

"I'm you."

Well, I guess that explains why I haven't been feeling myself lately…

Extemporanus October 5, 2010 at 4:50 am

♪♫ We bitched, bothered, and bewildered… ♪♫

Radiotherapy October 5, 2010 at 5:04 am

Doris Day; Clitoris Nay

Extemporanus October 5, 2010 at 5:27 am

Dear Glenn Beck 912,

Thanks for the groovy old Wedding Present, babe!

Damn He Save Us, Jr.

Monsieur_Grumpe October 5, 2010 at 5:34 am

Now I hate myself.

James Michael Curley October 5, 2010 at 5:56 am

That ad is just stupid

wotwotsit October 5, 2010 at 6:24 am

I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.

Goo goo g'joob.

Lazy Media October 5, 2010 at 6:26 am

The creepy kindergarten naptime/slasher movie music really helped teach me something about myself. My left profile IS my good side.

Pop_Socket October 5, 2010 at 6:42 am

"I'm not a witch."
"I'm not a crook."
"I did not have sexual relations with that woman."

All people who protested a bit too much.

BombyMcGee October 5, 2010 at 11:30 am


PsycWench October 5, 2010 at 6:55 am

Bitch, you are NOT ME. You wish.

doxastic October 5, 2010 at 6:59 am

Well THIS explains why my sex life has been so shitty recently…

outragedcitizen October 5, 2010 at 7:58 am

Christine O'Donnell, I have met me, and you are not me.

didumean2saythat October 5, 2010 at 8:10 am

She turned me into a NEWT.

I got better.

Then I wrote a Contract for America.

finallyhappy October 5, 2010 at 8:22 am

"I'm nothing, you've heard!" yes, Chrissie, we heard you were nothing. And no, you are not me although I did attend Oxford too(if sleeping on the sofa in someone's room for 4 nights in 1971 counts).

Sparky_McGruff October 5, 2010 at 8:26 am

Oh, it most certainly does count. I think four nights gets you a master's degree.

Dr_pangloss October 5, 2010 at 8:53 am

To bad you he didn't stay the whole week he would have gotten tenure.

wonkdc October 5, 2010 at 8:27 am

Damnnit, someone beat me to the Monty Python reference.
But seriously, if she's not a witch, why is she dressed all in black and with a cloudy background as deep blue as the midnight sky? They should have dressed her up in cheery pastel colors or something…

wonkdc October 5, 2010 at 8:30 am

…And, apparently, she has mastered the arcane art of soul-exchanging astral projection and she can proudly claim that she is ME. <shudder>

BaldarTFlagass October 5, 2010 at 8:38 am

That pic—is that her "O-face?"

RunnyRose October 5, 2010 at 8:55 am

And she has a pearl necklace, too.

mrblifil October 5, 2010 at 8:44 am

Why is she even campaigning? Surely God has already decided whether she's going to win or not, so she may as well get some other shit done in the meanwhile.

Redhead October 5, 2010 at 8:49 am

Of COURSE she's not a Wiccan NOW. She said she dabbled in it before going on to dabble in Buddhism and Hari Krishna-ism (and the Flying Spaghetti Monster's noodly appendage, I'm assuming based on her love of meatballs).

That Wiccan thing was just an excuse to buy the Harry Potter "magic flying broomstick" vibrator, back before she stopped masturbating and found true craziness.

johnnyzhivago October 5, 2010 at 8:50 am

Burn her!!!

johnnyzhivago October 5, 2010 at 8:51 am

First she's a witch and now she admits to multiple personality disorder???

Dr_pangloss October 5, 2010 at 8:52 am

If she is me and I'm her then that means… *checks down below* oh my god it's true. It's True! *rubs one out*

JoeHoya October 5, 2010 at 8:54 am

"I am not a witch" is exactly the sort of thing that a witch would say.

Barrelhse October 5, 2010 at 9:10 am

Does she ever find it hard in the morning? No? Then she just isn't me.

Mindblank October 5, 2010 at 9:16 am

"Wait, I'm melltinnnng.."

Well, water does it. To some.

gurukalehuru October 5, 2010 at 9:17 am

Well, that's exactly what a witch WOULD say, now, isn't it?

ttommyunger October 5, 2010 at 9:39 am

Miss O"Donnell, I know ttommyunger, ttommyunger is a friend of mine; and you, Miss O'Donnell are no ttommyunger.

Tigersmistress October 5, 2010 at 9:42 am

I'm sorry christine, could you dumb this message down for me? I don't understand.

Urban_Achiever October 5, 2010 at 9:49 am

I don't know Christine, I've worked a full-time job now for at least 12 years, so I'm not sure how you can be ME.

Also, most of what I've heard about you, has come straight outta your mouth! Explain yourself, witch!

Ken Layne October 5, 2010 at 10:24 am

You tell her, Foofa!

AlldayEveryday October 5, 2010 at 10:02 am

Witches ain't shit but hoes and tricks…

Toomush_Infer October 5, 2010 at 10:06 am

And here all along I thought she was just a 1958 Plymouth Fury….

Flat_Earther October 5, 2010 at 10:11 am

"I'm nothing you've heard." Really? You were the one who told us. What are we to believe Christine? Which publicity whore is telling the truth?

DoctorAwesomus October 5, 2010 at 10:12 am

What if God was one of us…
Just a cracked-out dabbler and severe botard like one of us…
Just a lurching stump like one of us…

tcaalaw October 5, 2010 at 10:25 am

Isn't LBJ alleged to have said something to the effect of, "Let's make my opponent deny he's a donkey-fucker"? The opening line of the ad reminded me of that story.

H Curve October 5, 2010 at 10:42 am

Chrissy O'D is CRAZY with a capital 9!

writechic October 5, 2010 at 10:44 am

Do not mess with the daughter of Bozo's understudy.

OneDollarJuana October 5, 2010 at 10:58 am

I think you all misheard Xtine. She didn't say "I'm you", she said "I'm Yoo", as in John Yoo. Who's also a jerk-off.

BombyMcGee October 5, 2010 at 11:30 am

But I would never vote for me.

Also. T-shirt idea: "I dabbled in Christine O'Donnell"

DashboardBuddha October 5, 2010 at 12:04 pm

Man…I wish I had thought of that when the whole COD thing started.

Dash off a quick witch themed design
Set up a store on cafe press
Profit (tiny profit, but still)

Is it too late? I'm kinda hoping she wins now.

neiltheblaze October 5, 2010 at 12:07 pm

Shall I dabble in witchcraft, or join the Hari Krishnas? It's a deep question because they are so metaphysically similar.

MapleLeafsfordawin! October 5, 2010 at 12:16 pm

Brad Dourif can play anyone.

DDDintensified October 5, 2010 at 12:23 pm

Witch hair + Witch costume + Witch fog = Fail.

I mean, witch fog???

natoslug October 5, 2010 at 12:32 pm

She may not be a witch, but she may be an inflatable. Either that or the last few weeks have been cruel to her and she's eating her way through the pain. As someone who turns to ice cream and beer to cope with stress, I feel your pain, Christine!

kenlayisalive October 5, 2010 at 12:33 pm

"I'm you." That's a little fucking presumptuous, isn't it?

marionetta October 5, 2010 at 1:56 pm

First I was Linda Tripp (I'm you!) now I'm Xtine O'Donnell (I'm you!)

At least I'm getting younger.

And revirgined.

KobayashiMaru October 5, 2010 at 2:13 pm

Wait, she is me? If she is me, that is to say, if she and I are…what I mean is, if she…ah fuck it. WITCH!

lulzmonger October 5, 2010 at 3:10 pm

"I'm you … if you stopped taking your meds for a week or two."

You'd do what I'd do in DC? Kick some rightwingers in the nuts with steel-toed boots on? Fact is, I'd pay you good money to do it, honey … but I don't think you've got the guts.

No more backroom deals – she'll smoke that lobbyist pole right out in public & let you watch! ($4.99/minute)

DonnyKerabotsos October 5, 2010 at 4:08 pm

"…It's great to be here, where ever I am…and if I've never been here before, it's great to be back…"

–Bill Hicks, RIP

foog October 6, 2010 at 4:03 am

if it wasn't for the horrible people (i.e. Christine O’Donnell) who claim that she has "dabbled in witchcraft" she wouldn't be forced to do this ad. Christine is not a witch, and y'all know it. Besides, who hasn't "dabbled" in things, amiright? Next thing your going to smear her with is that she can't be anti masturbation just because she's rubbed up against the washer/dryer a few lonely washdays. Or that a quick, forgettable fuck with a fratboy and subsequent abortion mean she can't be pro-abstinence. Besides, how could she possibly be a witch when she is not wearing a pointy black hat to go with her black dress in front of a black background?

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