But Obama Promised Us Unpoisoned Baby Food & Non-Mutilating Tricycles!

  obama babies

Sara K. Smith, she lives!Your former morning editor has had thoughts of Wonkette bopping around her brain for many months now, honestly, but has ignored old Ken Layne’s repeated commands to just write a goddamned column about something because, well, a bunch of things. Number one, the news isn’t exactly at the top of yours truly’s radar these days, unless it has to do with poisoned baby food or the toys that rip your child’s genitals off. (So much in the news about those things, though!) Number two, the only thing happening in politics seems to be some Delaware person who (sound of quiet vomiting/sleeping).

Here is a brief take on what’s happening in world events right now, from somebody who does not follow the world events:

  • You know how before they get the operation, transsexuals have to spend some time just dressing and looking like the opposite sex? Have you noticed how the male-to-female transsexuals tend to have sort of awkward haircuts that are a result of their hair growing out, and somehow the hair lies mannishly against the skull, like it’s just not used to being that long or being parted that way? That is what Meg Whitman’s hair looks like.
  • You hear a lot of “Wah wah wah President Obama PROMISED us 8.5 percent unemployment if we passed the stimulus and now unemployment is way worse, Obama is Hitler, QED,” which makes you just want to rip the face off whatever Obama staffer ran around promising 8.5 percent unemployment back in the day. Except that apparently nobody was promising that, and it was just some heavily caveated projection in a report somewhere.
  • Those Real World shows on MTV are twenty different kinds of horrible, but there is something weirdly compelling about Jersey Shore. It has to do with The Situation being a tragic character. You know how Warren Buffett likes to say stuff like “I was sort of wired for capital allocation, and being wired for capital allocation two hundred years ago in Nebraska wouldn’t have meant a thing”? Something about The Situation suggests he is like Warren Buffett in Nebraska two hundred years ago. He was born into the wrong time, or the wrong culture, and probably would have been a perfectly nice and even thoughtful person (and maybe he is?) if he weren’t forced to mimic the folkways of retarded orange vodka-gerbils.
  • Yaaay that’s all for now, we will check in again maybe in a week or two or twelve!!!

    Sara K. Smith was Wonkette’s morning editor from January 2008 until about six months ago, when she left us to have an Obama Baby. Perhaps she’ll write things on a regular (weekly?!) basis if you harass her mercilessly in the comments or via sara@wonkette.com.

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About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith

Hola wonkerados.

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80 comments

  1. Serolf_Divad

    "…we will check in again maybe in a week or two or twelve!!!"

    And the rest of us will just sit here in a daze, like the guy who bumps into an ex-girlfriend he never got over (the ex-girfriend he never got over) at a supermarket.

    Don't play games with our fragile hearts if you don't really mean it Sarah! We all missssss yoooou!

      1. Beowoof

        It really reinforces the idea of parenting as you don't want your kid to grow in to the Situation or Snookie.

    1. slappypaddy

      my thoughts, too. diaper-changing, burping, and spit-up toweling have their limited diversions.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      I worry for BabyKsmith. Even if he's not watching it with her, the breast milk is bound to go sour, exposed to that.

  2. Ruhe

    So Meg's hair looks like mannish hair attempting to be feminine? I'm afraid by that logic we'd have to assume that Jerry's nearly bald pate looks like a scalp practicing being dead.

    1. Beowoof

      I wondered who had married Meg when I saw my first pic. Now that conundrum is solved it was another gay transvestite. (You know the man who changes sex, so he can be a lesbian. And don' t laugh, I met this guy many years ago).

  3. chascates

    The world doesn't seem so bad once SKS explains it all. Please do a weekly Friday recap so that we won't get blindly drunk on the weekend. And baby pics, pleeze?

    1. Beowoof

      Really Barbara Boxer and Carly Feedonweiner have been having a cat fight about hair for awhile now. Meow.

  4. Pop_Socket

    Random Republican Litmus Test: If we can't achieve {full employement/balanced budget/prayer in schools}, then the {socialists/terrorists/secular humanists] have won. Never mind they never come close to meeting their own ideals.

    1. Rambone

      Never mind they never come close to meeting their own ideals.

      You know who else couldn't meet their own ideals?

      God, that's who . . . and Hitler.

  5. slappypaddy

    if barry, nancy, that reid fellow, and them other demos were truly the tyrannical socialist overlords the right-wingers accuse them of being, we wouldn't be troubled by poisoned baby food and mutilating children's toys. we'd have ceo bodies dangling by noose from the lampposts, but we'd get used to it soon enough. hell, that's the way they do it in china.

  6. Toomush_Infer

    Sara/Sara should be the new go-to name for all female infants born in America….is that too unreasonably small a request?…

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      I think there should be more Florences, Beatrices and especially Ednas. The number of Saras/Sarahs out there is getting out of hand, frankly.

      1. HistoriCat

        I did my part – deliberately picked a name for my daughter that wasn't in the top 1000. But I went back and checked and – damn it – the name has snuck back onto the list.

  7. JMPEsq

    Hey, Boner, Cantor et al.; if you're complaining that the stimulus didn't do enough, then maybe you should have tried to make it bigger at the time instead of getting Congress to make it to small and then voting against it, and maybe you should be pushing for a new round of stimulus right now. Unless of course you guys really don't care about the economy but just want to blame Obama for it, and in fact tried to sabotage it because you'd let the economy fail just to help your own political fortunes.

    Oh, and welcome back for a moment, original-Sara-without-an-h.

      1. JMPEsq

        It's just an alleged boring old straight affair, though; those are only damaging to Democratic politicians.

    1. PuckStopsHere

      I want to give this more than one thumbs up but the internet machine will not let me. Damn you, internets!

  8. Monsieur_Grumpe

    You know baby vomit is a lot like reading the news. It’s disgusting, often unexpected and for some reason people just love to talk about it. Welcome back and more baby vomit Sara, ummm, I mean news.

  9. Mumbletypeg

    If you're considering venturing to the wonkfest later this month, SKS, I'll promise to leave my shotgun and other Christ(y)like means of expression at home.

  10. lowaltflier

    OMG! If I wasn’t already voting for Brown seeing that picture of Meg would have pushed me over to Jerry.

    Anyone who can tap Linda Ronstadt gets my vote.

  11. johnnyzhivago

    For the 10 Billionth time, let me explain that Jersey Shore is not about New Jersey, it's about "Vinnies", Staten Islanders who vacation "down the shore" at wot-exit-is-it?

  12. bfstevie

    We missed you, SKS. That having a baby thing seems to have sapped you of your mojo. Let's hope it's only a temporary thing. (The mojo loss, not the kid.)

  13. HELisforHEL

    Yay! Welcome back Sara, we do hope you'll stop by often. Between that baby-rearing type 'o' stuff and all.

  14. Krugmanic Depressive

    I like to imagine that when Baby K Smith spits up, Sara responds "In what respect, Charlie?"

    (formerly nappied hypotenuse)

  15. thefrontpage

    The "only thing" going on? What? Have you been following the daily news or reading the newspapers or checking the wires or watching television or listening to the radio or reading magazines lately? There happens to be a lot going on in the news–every single day. If you want to know what's going on, maybe read a newspaper every day!!

    1. JMPEsq

      Listening to the screeching on Fox News or the sheer stupidity on CNN probably makes Baby K. Smith cry and throw up. Besides, imagine what his first word might be if Sara exposes the kid to that.

  16. Canmon

    Sara, you must be overtired from mothering because you accidentally linked to a picture of Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

  17. Weenus299

    Well you know what? That was a pleasurable ride of highfallutin dictum. But you didn't mention Alvin Greene and so you're a retard.

  18. neiltheblaze

    Welcome back SKS! And hello to the little one too! I can see why poisoned baby food might concern you – but is this more important than Christine O'Donnell being a vacuous, fascist twit? Probably!

  19. Weenus299

    Oh yeah. And Meg Whitman is a hardcore tragicomic bad-guy-person ripped from the Dick Tracy comic strip.

  20. Maman

    Its all fun and games on the Jersey Shore, Sara, until you have a 14 & 15 year old trying to mimic retarded orange vodka gerbils…. and then it is tragic as King Lear.

    1. Winnie_Cooper

      It's only King Lear if you reward the orange vodka-gerbils and disown the fur-tone-found-in-nature gerbils, and the orange vodka-gerbils bring about your downfall.

      Wait, what?

  21. weejee

    Since this is your first post in like 12 years there is immense pressure to make an outrageously snarkcastic comment. Rather than some Meg Whitman = Dick the Bruiser in drag comment, how about sharing child rearing lessons learned?

    I was wondering if in your experiences with BabyKS if you have yet started dabbling with all the creative uses of duct tape? My wife and I learned things like after the boys were playing with their friends in the C'Addle mud, just duct tape them to the roof of the car and go through the car wash. Someone needs a timeout, but can be perhaps too creative in their room, wrap 'em with duct tape – when you pull the tape off after it is a real attention getter particularly in the middle school years when they start growing body hair. Duct tape was a lifesaver for my wife and I while raising four boys, and at Costco you can get it by the case!

  22. mumbly_joe

    You hear a lot of “Wah wah wah President Obama PROMISED us 8.5 percent unemployment if we passed the stimulus and now unemployment is way worse, Obama is Hitler, QED

    Oddly enough, Rand Paul said something similar to this, although he didn't seem to understand the difference between unemployment and hyperinflation, and sort of called it all "economic instability".

    So, basically, he seemed to miss the part where that makes Obama's America the Weimar Republic- a nice, fairly centrist-liberal democracy with some economic issues, a bloodied national self-image and some structural governing issues- and that also makes the coalition of conservatives attempting to capitalize on the populist anger at the social and economic conditions to by promoting extremist and "outsider" politicians who direct blame at liberals, labor unions, and marginal groups… whom, exactly, in this analogy?

    Geez, I just Godwon, didn't I?

  23. justkillmenow

    You're worried about poisoned baby food? I thought you Libtard moms made your own baby food from certified organic carrots.

    Oh, and it's great to hear from you!!!!

  24. Electric Zen

    Sara, given that you won't respond to my e-mails or phone calls, and that we have never met, I'm starting to suspect that Baby Smith isn't really mine. But it's OK, I forgive you. Just be sure that after repeated viewings of Jersey Shore, he gets a few minutes of Colbert Report as a palate cleanser. I don't want him growing up all crazy/orange.

    And please write more columns.

    1. weejee

      We saw him twice, well two incantations of him but not the actor, waiting in the Minneapolis airport for an engine to get fixed.

  25. VeraSevera

    A BABY? Haha, I thought you were in Finland getting a sex change….But, seriously, it would be so much more interesting if you did….

  26. BornInATrailer

    OMG. Speaking of recalled toys… someone must get their hands on one of those recalled vibrating Harry Potter broomsticks and gift it to Xine. Sabotage.

  27. Mindblank

    Hi, SKS. Hope things are well and you found only the finest hobobeans to feed your youngin'. This economy is even rough on hobos.

  28. Beowoof

    Welcome Back SKS. Now my question would how could you not think of what is going on in the world. With every diaper you change you get another republican talking point.

  29. savethispatient

    Welcome back SKS! It seems the Wonkettes is truly like Hotel California.

    I look forward to his Ginger Highness dragging his ginger carcass back to the fold sometime soon too. And then reading SKS' mocking column about him.

  30. Delicious_2

    Ah, the great Sara(s) of history.
    Sara Lee.
    San Antonio River Authority.
    Sara K. Smith!

    Welcome back.

  31. fuflans

    i got nothing.

    well, except love your observations and they can only be BETTER covered in baby spew.

  32. Mumbletypeg

    Has anyone else noticed, the "shocking video" ad with the annoyingly mascara'd, self-breast-examining blondie has disappeared from these webpages in close timing with Sara S's visit?

  33. mrblifil

    What's this? American entrepreneurs Fischer Price try to find new innovative and fun ways to make genital bleeding the source of hours of entertainment for cash-strapped families across this land, and Femi-Nurse-zi Sarah feels the need to plop a giant steaming tampon on the whole enterprise to try to make it look "bad." Shame on you Wonkett. Just shame.

  34. kilgoretrout2

    I see my plot to hold Sara K's glasses hostage until her posts resume was a success.

    Excellent….excellent.

  35. nappyduggs

    Oh. Hell. Yes. Have I been deceived by Satan, or is it really the one-and-only Sarah K. Smith?! Mercy me. I choose to rub on/stick pins into mushy flesh all day long, and I miss the big event! t is good to see that all of those hours in the dark in my bathroom/confessional, lighting candles in front of a horrible laser print-out of your likeness haven't been in vain. It's good to have you back, no matter the frequency or lack thereof. But, be forewarned; if too much time passes, there will be some Book of Ruth shit going down. "Whither thou goest, etc." I will be your Idgie Threadgoode.

    Christ, I'm wasted.

    Seriously, thank you for coming back. It has been much too long.

  36. UpstateYorkee

    What!? Ken said you were too busy writing dildo manuals for Christine O'Donnell… or something.

    Well welcome back!

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