just the tip

James O’Keefe Swears He Wasn’t Going To Dildo CNN Lady On Boat

Sure, whatever you say, guy in prison jumpsuit.It took James O’Keefe all weekend to come up with an alibi for why he tried to trick a CNN reporter into coming on a boat filled with lube and dildos and “an obvious sex tape machine,” but now he has posted his brilliant explanation on the Internet. “She would have had to consent before being filmed and she was not going to be faux ‘seduced’ unless she wanted to be,” O’Keefe wrote. Oh, that makes perfect sense! Rapists, for example, should really use that line at their trials, because it really puts things into perspective. Especially if they do their raping on a very un-pre-meditated spot, like this sex boat.

The sexually explicit document CNN is now “reporting” on was never going to be implemented as written. She saw how I was dressed that day, with my usual blazer and collared shirt. In the document she reported as being “authentic,” I was supposed to have been dressed with my chest exposed, slicked backed hair, with gold chains. That ought to have been a red flag the document was not a reflection of my true intentions. Ms. Boudreau was never going to be put in the bizarre situations outlined in the document CNN reported. There were no mirrors, sex tapes, blindfolds, fuzzy handcuffs, posters of naked women, or music. Sorry, you were not going to see my face saying the words “Bubble Headed Beach Blonde who comes on at 5” into a video camera.

Oh, so it was going to be one of those low-production-value “amateur” videos of a beanpole media whore gonzo wingnut seducing a reporter. Just the bare essentials. Those are all the rage in the adult film industry.

Note O’Keefe mentions nothing about the lube or “condom jar” in this statement. [Project Veritas]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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154 comments

  1. edgydrifter

    And O'Keefe registering "bangboat.com" last month? Pure coincidence. Never happened. It was for something else–not what you're thinking.

  2. Jukesgrrl

    Is he saying a man can't be a rapist if he is wearing a "blazer and collared shirt"? News to a lot of women, especially in Washington.

    Is that like a chastity belt for men? "I've got my collar on, so the girls are safe tonight."

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Perhaps that tie was the male equivalent of "birth control glasses."

      So ugly the deal was off right from the getgo.

    2. indecencycmdr

      oh he seemed like such a nice young man. such a nice shirt and collar! guys in 3 piece suits don't rape women! no!

      1. Geminisunmars

        All 3 look like they come from the same gene pool. Is there special DNA for pasty white, adam-appled, sociopath John Bircherish type. Come to think of it, Ann Coulter probably has that gene too.

      2. Barrelhse

        More like a pimply-faced masturbating virgin who eats his own cum, to me.
        And I've seen PLENTY.

  3. One_who_wanders

    If you believe that I have some compassionate conservatives to sell you. No one expends that much time and effort in a document and a plan that they aren't at least seriously considering (at least after high school). Besides he would have commented much sooner if he had nothing to hide. The delay was so he had to dispose of the condom jar.

    1. ThePrincessPat

      Additionally, his "I meant to do that" web post doesn't mention why the meeting was being held on a boat. Is that where he meets everyone?

    1. Neilist

      Win.

      I mean, I'm not going to read any further.

      Just.

      Plain.

      Fucking.

      WIN.

      Neilist: An Asshole Who Admires EXCELLENCE.

    1. CessnaDriver

      Ted Bundy worked for Nixon in the same job that Karl Rove had.

      Bundy was prosecuted first, Rove beat the rap after the pardon.

  4. Deportably_Jose

    Some libtard whom I forget who it is posted a thing about how this whole incident is amazing illustration of the white priviledge that O'queef likes to claim doesn't exist at all, anywhere.

    It strikes me as pretty true, seeing as it might well have occurred to someone else somewhere along the line that deliberately luring a white woman onto a dildoboat for "seducing" and announcing this to the press might lead to legal consequences somehow. After all, remember how our Wonkette's favorite Daoist monk, Alvin Green, got in trouble with the law for only the porn and propositioning bits, even without trapping the lady on a boat full of dildos and condom jars and sereptitious video-recording devices?

    1. Chet Kincaid

      It was Wonkette's very own Cord Jefferson who ruined the boat party by playing the race card, over on theroot.com. The site is Henry Louis Gates having a beer with somebody over every damned thing, and then we bitch about white folks in the comments. Just kidding!!

      1. mumbly_joe

        Sir, you are correct indeed. It is our own Cord Jefferson, and now I am filled with shame for having failed to notice the byline.

        At any rate, conservatards play every card in their deck and several that aren't, including the " 'race card' card", so I think we're entitled to bitch about whitey every so often, particularly when the whitey in question is a racist fuck like James O'Keefe.

        But, no, seriously, that's a pretty good site, so also we can all forgive the transparent plug.

  5. mrblifil

    Meanwhile the reporter says she'd like to interview him "on her terms" and that she wanted to give this convicted criminal "a fair shake." Does everyone at CNN suffer from Stockholm Syndrome?

      1. OhNoGuy

        Answer – nothing. Where's my Urban Dictionary, I need to look up "a fair shake" and "on her terms". I'm all aquiver.

  6. SaintRond

    He'd have to use a dildo, because anyone who's been on this planet more than 15 years knows that this guy undoubtedly has the smallest penis in Christiandom.

      1. SaintRond

        I think Christine needs 'em big. I mean, really big. Big like making Ron Jeremy look like a three year old.

        Though if someone touched her in the right place with a feather I suspect she'd come like a field piece and anyone in the way would be in danger of losing life and limb.

        Thank God she can sublimate all this pent up sexuality with her abiding love of meatballs, which apparently she holds in higher regard than God himself.

          1. SaintRond

            Yeah, it's just an old fashioned term for any piece of artillery, say like a howitzer or a cannon.

            She better not wear a tight dress when it happens or it'll blow her shoes off at the very least.

    1. OhNoGuy

      OTOH, that looks like a 2X or maybe even 3X nose. In a couple generations his offspring should be able to feed on the tender leaves at the top of trees, pick up peanuts and bathe themselves using only thier noses.

      1. SaintRond

        Hey, it beats Sharon Angle in the Pantheon of Republican perverts. That simian creature looks like her ancestors made their living biting through the skulls of large animals, while this one looks like an insect eater for sure, like one of those elephant dung beatles who make their way by finding various nuggets in the droppings of passing animals.

        Jesus God in Heaven, where do they find these people? Every time I think I've seen it all, some other permutation of bottom feeding piece of shit comes a long to surprise me.

        Ahh, life on earth… So varied… They say we haven't even discovered half the species out there.

  7. Jukesgrrl

    Maybe O’Keefe's parents can appear alongside the wood-burning Christys of Pennsylvania for a "very special episode" of Dr. Phil. "I Can't Control My Tea-bagging Son!!"

  8. Native_of_SL_UT

    "I apologize for not saying anything sooner, but don’t want to comment until I have all the facts at my disposal."

    in other words, he wishes that he was privy to some of the classified information that he was privy to.

    1. ThePrincessPat

      He had to wait until he checked himself out a bit, before sharing all of the facts with himself about himself.

  9. Rotundo_

    Sorry Jim, but one look at that face and a quick scan of the plan tell me that you are arrogant and stupid enough to go for it, and your associate was apparently convinced as well that you were sufficiently arrogant and stupid enough. The first time around with Acorn was a "gimme", bask in it. Anyone with a clue (and many without) won't be buying as quickly next time out.

  10. PsycWench

    In related news, my child informed me that holding an open bag of potato chips with greasy fingers before dinner did NOT mean that she had been eating the chips. Holding and eating are two separate acts, so my suspicions were completely unfounded.

    1. lulzmonger

      Coming Soon To A Series Of Tubes Near You: BigMom.com, Andrew "Section 8" Breitbart's latest scathing expose of domestic liberal fascism, as witnessed first-hand by a Real(Short)American!

  11. Failed_2_Menace

    It is shameful that anyone would extract one small sliver of rough work product without context or regard to whether it is representative, and use it to cast a pall over the entirety of an organization like this. I can't imagine O'Keefe would tolerate that sort of practice on the part of his team.

  12. imissopus

    She would have had to consent before being filmed

    Oh, just like all those ACORN workers consented to being filmed?

    The only way this explanation makes sense is if the whole bit, including his fellow prankster warning the CNN reporter ahead of time, was a con just to get him some publicity. After all it must have been a whole what, twenty minutes since anyone at Fox mentioned his name?

    1. Native_of_SL_UT

      And then there is the "Faux" seduction that she would also presumably consent to.

      "OK Jim, I know you are only pretending to seduce me, but here, put your penis right here. Is this a good angle? Are you getting the shot? Are you sure this will help my career?"

      1. imissopus

        I know, right?

        "Oh sure, I'm an award-winning journalist for a major cable network and a married woman, but I will happily play-act in your faux-sleazy seduction skit. I'm sure I can still produce the documentary I originally came here to talk to you about without destroying my credibility. Oh, a little to the left…that's it…"

  13. MarionNYNY

    For fuck's sake, anyone can see the twerp is a complete sociopath with escalating behaviors. Are we waiting till we find a headless body in his basement? Just lock him up now and forever.

    1. obiwanacracker

      The News at 10 interviews with the neighbors, as the crawlspace is being excavated, always sound the same–"He was always such a quiet boy, not much good at sports…"

    2. KathrynSane

      Seriously. I can't muster enough snark to say anything other than that this creepy misogynist jackass needs to be in jail already.

  14. GOPCrusher

    Not to make light of the situation, but Mr. O'Keefe truly deserves to be a victim of repeated prison rapings. Videotaped. And posted on You Tube.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      That's the machine that holds and dispenses sex tape.

      What? You don't use sex tape?

      Well now, that would explain a lot, wouldn't it?

  15. PalinPussyPower

    But why would a virile young man in the company of a hot young blond woman need Viagra? Is it because this aimless, jobless, pencil dicked loser is TEH GHEY? 'Cause that would make perfect sense. Also, too.

  16. lochnessmonster

    Creep factor is up when I look at this guy. He looks like one of those guys who hurt small animals when he was younger – maybe even a little like Jeffery Dahmer.

      1. FROTHY

        Oh, hell to the yeah. Dahmer was not a bad-looking dude, which is why it was easy for him to pick up men and lure them to his home. This guy, hell, the DOG would be running away at high speed — and if you know dogs, you know they'll hump anything.

    1. HELisforHEL

      You read my mind. He reminds me of the marble-mouthed dumdasses from my youth who would set fire to cats and other small innocent creatures. And their white trash parents were surprised when their 'blessed boys' eventually landed in jail. 'Journalists' have to stop feeding this thing–how long before one of his childish pranks hurts people in even more serious ways?

  17. DashboardBuddha

    "She saw how I was dressed that day, with my usual blazer "

    He was wearing a gas guzzling GM product? This guy gives dipshits a bad name.

  18. SayItWithWookies

    Does anyone think he was actually going to seduce this woman, leaving aside his probable lack of experience? He wouldn't have to seduce anyone to frame them. All he'd need is a clip of her walking on the boat, some bits of edited audio, a pan of his decked-out pimp lair and her walking off the boat and his work would've been done. The notion that he was going to actually do anything isn't necessary — O'Keefe's schtick isn't getting people to do things, it's framing them.

  19. Bluestatelibel

    Yeah, trapping this lady on a boat with porn everywhere and a bunch of your guy friends, all alone out at sea, it was just an innocent, innocent plan.

  20. 4tehlulz_lite

    I can't believe you didn't quote this:

    I'll admit that I liked the basic absurdity of meeting Abbie Boudreau on a boat and the idea of counter-seduction satire executed in a tame, humorous, non-threatening manner

    "I wasn't going to rape her, but now that you mention it, it seems like a good idea!"

  21. Wadisay

    If this guy is capable of seducing any woman, under any circumstances, ever, I am suddenly a lot more bullish about my chances with Claudia Schiffer.

  22. ByronTheBulb

    Speaking as a Rutgers alumni, I am grateful for yet another reason to be proud of my alma mater. This week has certainly been full of them.

  23. Terry

    Jim, Jim, Jim. Now that you are humiliated and discredited, do the klassy thing and take folks down with you. Breitbart, for instance.

  24. kenlayisalive

    I think I hate this guy more than any of the other dipshit right-wing fucks.

    And why do I get the feeling we're going to be saddled with his 15-minutes of fame for the rest of our lives? Seriously, this guy has "Up and Coming Fox News Personality" written all over him.

    Gah.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      No doubt with a stint on some kind of clever featurette on Fox NFL Sunday in there somewhere, a la Jimmy Kimmel.

  25. x111e7thst

    Jimmy dearest, please stop trying to relive the glories of your youth. It’s time for you to grow up and turn to more adult pursuits. Have you tried buttsex? I hear it is all the rage these days.

  26. iburl

    "If you were to roam through my personal emails there are many outrageous plans, some parts of which I may approve of in principal with an “I like it” in an email thread. But I may well object to a host of things about the plan, though I like the objective. "

    Idea to Elect more Republicans:
    1) Kill the Jews
    2) Kill the Catholics
    3) Kill the Blacks
    4) Kill the Mexicans
    5) Kill the Mosks
    6) Elect more Republicans

    James O' Keefe: "I like it"

  27. LionelHutzEsq

    I simply refuse to believe this story, as O'Keefe is a Conservative, and Abbie Boudreau is a women.

    No way anything could have happened to her in this situation.

  28. skytrucker

    What makes me laugh is this guy's delusions of grandeur. His hatchet job on ACORN gives him fifteen minutes of shame and suddenly he morphs into a media celebrity who turns down hundreds of "story ideas" every day.

    O'Keefe, O'Donnell, Palin: born losers desperate for fame at any price. They remind me of Pamela Smart, the would-be teevee newscaster whose failed ambitions led to a job in a high-school media office, where she conned a sex-dazzled high-school boy into murdering her husband. We'll never forget you, Pamela.

  29. Redhead

    “She would have had to consent before being filmed and she was not going to be faux ‘seduced’ unless she wanted to be,”

    And if this were actually the case or enforced, we wouldn't have a single celebrity sex tape.

  30. PresBeeblebrox

    This is pretty typical for conservative "humor". I remember, for instance, the scene outside the 2000 Republican National Convention in Philly, where a passel of YAFers [link warning: sepulchral video of Ben Stein welcoming everyone to Young America's Foundation comes up immediately] were passing out needle-less syringes with bright orange lables reading "GOV. RIDGE, GIVE A PUSH FOR JUSTICE! EXECUTE MUMIA NOW!!". Then there was that piece of shit of a movie "An American Carol"…

  31. Tundra Grifter

    That boy couldn't scoop 'n' score at 2 am in a bar full of drunken women if he was wearing a suit made out of hundred dollar bills.

    Just sayin'…

  32. Lascauxcaveman

    William F. Buckley tried marijuana?

    Oh man, if I had known that, I could have talked my conservative dad into trying it before he was going through chemo, and he would have enjoyed it a lot more.

  33. rocktonsam

    Thank God the CNN babe smelled a rat.

    The list of Fox News ladies who would get on that boat , drop their panties that always seem in a bunch and hoist their legs in the air for this fuck up is endless, probably.

    Fuck up is guilty of picking the wrong network.to get laid.

    1. mrblifil

      She didn't though. Someone on O'Keefe's side had to approach her about it. And the reporter still talks about him like he's credible, even after the rape threat. It's weird the way she's sort of gone out of her way in the aftermath to give him the benefit of the doubt. I mean seriously, she's a major league asshole to have sought him out in the first place. I don't wish rape on anyone, but if a dildo had experimentally found it's way to one of her orifices, I wouldn't have wasted more than a "tut-tut" on her.

  34. BaldarTFlagass

    Dude probably thinks Penthouse Forum letters and porn plots reflect reality.

    "Hello. Mein dizbatcher says zere iss problem mit deine kable news network. Meine namen iss James. I am expert videographer. Is hard to verk in zese clozes–"

    1. Advn2rgirl

      He WAS a Senior at a Small Midwestern College, right? Oh, Rutgers? Nevermind. He couldn't get laid with a yacht AND a bag of dix.

  35. Mort_Sinclair

    All kidding aside, that guy has never had a healthy sexual encounter in his life. First the "pimp" thing, and now this? Guy has serious issues. Perhaps O'Keefe can show Christine O'Donnell where her clitoris is, and perhaps she can get O'Keefe's penis to "respond," given the fact he owns a dildo. O'Donnell, O'Keefe, O yeah.

    1. iburl

      "Perhaps O'Keefe can show Christine O'Donnell where her clitoris is"

      And perhaps Trig could teach a course on particle physics at Cambridge in the Spring.

  36. chascates

    You pathetic asshat! Don't you realize everyone you've ever been intimate with will be tweeting & Facebooking your, uh, 'shortcomings', so to speak as well any bizarre behavior, which would seem to be astonishing?

  37. Neoyorquino

    I come back after a few days, and my fair Wonkette is filled with pornos, butt sex, and dildo boats . . . reminds me of that one homecoming weekend back in college . . .

  38. indecencycmdr

    James O'Keefe, like all rapists and wanna be rapists, should be raped up the ass with a glass jar filled with acid until it explodes in his ass and his colon explodes and he bleeds to death from being raped up the ass with a glass jar full of acid. Just my opinion.

  39. housbinfarteen

    Little Jimmy lied and edited transcripts regarding ACORN while on Andy Brietbart's payroll. He broke into Sen. Mary Landrieu’s (D-La.) office and got caught. Who's going to believe this delusional pasty-faced weasel lying about planning a rape. This prick is still on probation too.

    Did anybody check the loveboat for roofies? His only change with this reporter.

  40. nachoproblem

    So… never mind what he was actually fixing to do with all that claptrap. But his entire alibi regarding the document in question that called for all of it was "nuh-uh!"?

    Oh, that fiendishly clever prankster.

  41. ttommyunger

    This young Ichabod Crane look-a-like has the fevered brain of a retarded sociopath. He has been exposed repeatedly as a fraud, a liar and a fuck-up and yet he keeps on. I blame
    Brief-Fart and the rest of his handlers, enablers and backers, without them he would just stay in his parent's basement all day eating Cheetos and watching porn.

  42. horsedreamer_1

    I got my back against the Sex Tape Machine… Oh, y' know what I mean!

    ACORN! A-A-A-A-A-CORN!

  43. fuhrius

    msm as nixon with this kid doin rebozo/north except it's all goofy amature porno schtick with no close ups of interactive genitalia. i bet the shit he was gonna use to bug landry is vintage…lots of wires and shit. maybe his underwriters will give him the loot to pay the telecom/isp's for direct audio like the big boys does. looks kinda like McVeigh though right? Something about the lifeless eyes…

  44. KeirDullea

    Ohhhh…that's who James O'Keefe is…I'd forgotten.

    He's got a lot of the charm and smoldering masculinity of a young Lee Harvey Oswald, doesn't he?

  45. BZ1

    That was the best he could think of?! CNN has already aired the sordid details of his ambush and he comes across as even more creepy that his photo suggests…

  46. neiltheblaze

    So – exposed chest – even a sunken, hairless one like his – with numerous gold chains is rapist couture – and the blazer and collared shirt are a signal of no rapey intentions. He doesn't mention Andy Breitbart's dildo collection not being there, I notice.

  47. lulzmonger

    O'Keefe can cry me a river. He may even be telling the truth (highly unlikely) but the poor little Asshole Who Cried "ACORN!" is so royally fucked he needs a pregnancy test anyway. Live by the rat-fuck, die by the rat-fuck.

    Here's hoping his next "prank" involves infiltrating the Taliban in black-face.

Comments are closed.