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Ben Quayle Points Gun At ‘Wife,’ Forces Her To Talk Into Camera

THIS GUY AGAIN? Go back to being the villain in that first Christopher Nolan Batman movie.Jesus, why does Ben Quayle have to be so creepy in every ad he makes? What is even going on here? Oh, we see, he’s stuck a gun into this woman’s back and told her to read the cue card. That’s why her face organs are projecting pure, doe-eyed fear at the voters of Arizona. “Tiffany Quayle” is telling us she and this man next to her come from very different backgrounds, because he is the son of an idiot vice president and she is the daughter of a Marine. Why? So people like her better than her silver-spoon husband? Or so the people paying the ransom know this is really her?

Yes, this music may be soothing now, but it doesn’t work in the five seconds after this video cuts off, when “Tiffany Quayle” is in a dog kennel, holding up a newspaper. [YouTube]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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91 comments

    1. Jamie_Sommers

      Her battery is running low.

      That's why. she needs. to pause. after. every. second. sylab.

      ul.

    1. 4TheTurnstiles

      the only buttsecks in that house involves Ben dressing up like "Aunt Peggy" if you follow me

  1. natoslug

    Jesus. Shouldn't he hire a woman to play his wife? Trannies are great and all, but I think he's sending the wrong message here.

  2. JMPEsq

    It doesn't sound like their fathers were all that different; after all, Ben's dad was also a veteran and bravely guarded the coast of Indiana.

  3. bumfug

    Christ! He looks likr the guy on Law & Order who breaks down on the stand when the gay lover who helped him hide his wife's body walks in from the hallway.

    1. spurious_george

      I was just thinking that. If he scares *us* this much, imagine how much fear he could strike into the hearts of America's enemies!

  4. 4TheTurnstiles

    Am I alone in assuming that Ben Quayle is the kind of masochist who likes to wear his mom's underwear and be verbally humiliated by male authority figures?

  5. SayItWithWookies

    That's exactly the vapid, vacant gaze that Jane Krakowski has tried so much to perfect on 30 Rock. The woman's isn't so bad either.

  6. chascates

    It's bad enough when the talentless offspring of show business people try to ride their parents coattails (Melissa Rivers for starters) but when the talentless offspring of a talentless politician tries to start a public dynasty things have gone too far.

    Ben can bulk up his resume by moving to Pakistan and trying to help our interests over there. Or North Korea. North Korea would be good.

    1. Rotundo_

      What a perfect analogy! Ben Quayle is the Melissa Rivers of politics! I envision that Ben's contribution to the body politic of this country will have the same effect Melissa had on the entertainment world: Millions of people asking the question "Who the fuck is this, and why are they here?" . Followed by: "Oh, thats their kid?". Followed with a final: "What a fucking idiot!"

  7. CapnFatback

    @:16 Magic nose sneezes out "QuayleForCongress.com," retracts in surreptitious olfactory glory!

  8. Weenus299

    Dang. It looks like he's just going to roll out his 2-foot-long tongue and start rasping it all around her neck.

    Not what I want in a Quayle.

  9. dittoBot3000

    Beneath that creepy glare, he's thinking, "That's it, my pretty. Read the cue card and you might not get the hose again."

    1. Preferred Customer

      After seeing that picture, though, I understand why she insisted on the bizarre mug shot-esque camera angle here–it's to hide her nose. Is she a professional boxer?

      1. bearperney

        Probably not an ex-boxer. It is just that Marine Corps kids tend to not take any crap from anyone and often show the results of that principle on their beaks.

  10. chascates

    The brother of a friend of mine was an Air Force One pilot during Quayle's vice-presidency and this is his story. The first time Quayle flew cross-country he looked at the time they would leave and the time they would arrive. Apparently not realizing the difference in time zones he told the crew he expected to get a full eight hours of sleep and didn't want to be woken up for anything.

  11. iburl

    I think he may creep me out more than any other politician, at least now that I don't see very much of that other Republican boy-prince-who-has-no-eyelids Steve Forbes.

    1. PuckStopsHere

      That is one tough call to make. If you flipped a coin to decide, nobody would bat an eye if it landed on edge.

  12. charlesdegoal

    Effete emaciated heirs running on a third-party platform have been only moderately successful in American politics in the past.

  13. JMPEsq

    After listening to Tiffany talk, I believe he'll be able to have an ad featuring their child when his team has likewise finished constructing their daughter V.I.C.K.I.E.

  14. Boredw/Gravity

    Does Quayle have the fake math to prove that this is the real mother of his pretend children?

  15. Ducksworthy

    Well we know who's NOT getting either a blowjob or buttsechs No wait, maybe the rubber butsechs. That looks probable.

  16. Ducksworthy

    The son of a vice president and the daughter of a marine and my first reaction was, OK do I have to guess which one is which?

  17. GuanoFaucet

    How long before this innumerate asshole pulls this ad because, instead of his wife, this lady is some random person he grabbed off the street, kinda like when he tried to pass off those two girls as his daughters in that other dumb ad?

  18. BarackMyWorld

    How much better would politics be if politicians weren't allowed to use their relatives as props?

  19. emmelemm

    Alt-text: I think you're either insulting Liam Neeson or Cillian Murphy, and either way, I won't have it.

  20. Jukesgrrl

    Produced by the same company that brought us the Tim James "Duzz it ta yew?" commercials? As Governor Brewer would say, "We have did everything we could do."

  21. jjdaddyo

    I can't believe nobody has made a "Vote for me or I'll shoot this dog" joke… maybe that's because she's got the hot Republican wife in hot rolled hair vibe going… was he married during his "Chest Rockwell" phase? Maybe there was some hot, hot Arizona swinging going on and we can hope for some crazy Jack and Jeri Ryan dee-vorce depositions….

  22. jakegittes

    Am I the only one getting sick and tired of the tendency in American politics towards nepotism, aristocracy and oligarchy?

    1. transfatz

      America and every other country. Supposed communist governments pass party leaderships from parent to child. Political dynasties abound worldwide. Since the scion is inevitably dumber and more incompetent than the stock, outside control is the norm.

      The marionette party
      Strings you can rely on

  23. el_donaldo

    She looks like she spends a lot of time around horses. No, wait, I mean it looks like her mother spent a lot of time around horses.

  24. Mort_Sinclair

    Coupla things.

    1. Hair doesn't come in the color of the stuff that's hanging off her head. What the hell is that? Taupe?

    2. He has his dentures in upside down. Check out the pointy incisors that look like Everest on the bottoms. Must have been running late climbing out of his casket.

  25. i_AM_ready

    Poor retarded Ben delivers his lines so badly! It's like he doesn't speak English at all, and is just reading it phonetically. OUR PRIN.
    SIHPULS OF LIM.

    ITIDGOV.
    URN.
    MINT HAV BIN PUSHED TOO

    THU FRINJ.

    IS FORTOO LONG ITSTIME.
    TO TAKETHEM.

    BAK.

  26. mrblifil

    He seems particularly pleased with himself that he made it through a whole 60 seconds of having to stand in such close physical proximity to her.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Wait, they're not the same thing? No, you're right. Porn shop blow-up dolls are entertaining.

  27. CessnaDriver

    Bennie's daddy was in the military, too.

    At no time during his tenure did Ho Chi Minh attack the Indy 500!

    Great military success for Danny Quayle!

  28. NovembersMine

    Apparently only boys and girls with nothing better to do with their lives than make insidious comments about situations that are completely irrelevant to their sad little depression filled lives read these blogs. How sad and pathetic do you all feel that you make horrible comments about these people, and yet the shmuck running against him is far richer, far less articulate, and by all accounts a far greater scumbag than most of the politicians in office right now? So go ahead and project your sad "I wasn't breast fed" feelings on a blogsite that only several other random depressed sad souls read, while the rest of the world moves on with their lives, and their time, and deals with situations head on, and with a far less "if everyone would just listen to me while I scream obscenities I would be respected more" tone.

    1. i_AM_ready

      For such a know-it-all, you're not very sensitive to context. The unstated protocol here is (1) brief and (2) funny.

  29. Mindblank

    He learned from his dad and STFU for half of it, at least. "If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure." Indeed.

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