Michelle Obama and Jonas Brother Beg Children To Get Off Their Butts

Michelle Obama is really stepping up her game when it comes to battling childhood obesity, probably because the battle isn’t going too well so far. Kids around the country are fearfully clinging to giant bags of Cheetos, right now, because Uncle Glenn's Chalkboard said the Evil FLOTUS is going to steal the American Constitution's right to weigh 5,000 pounds. In response, our First Lady has employed a new strategy to win back the usually-ignored Children's Vote, because if there's one thing that can pry a 12-year-old away from a plate of Twinkies, it's a used-up 'tween fad like the Jonas Brothers. At least, that is what our FLOTUS is betting on. Watch the sexy (?) video!

Until her recent failure in the War On Obesity, Michelle Obama wrongly believed that as someone who lives in the White House and sometimes gets to talk to the president, she would have the attentive ears -– and maybe even respect -– of American children. But then came the tragic day when Michelle told Malia to go to her room, and Malia said, "You're not a Jonas Brother! I don’t have to listen to you!" That's when our FLOTUS realized just how powerless she really was. Thankfully, our FLOTUS is best friends with one of the Jonas Brothers and his gang of Disney semen-circus performers. And they made this neat video!

In case you were distracted by all the colors and shouting in unison, those were the kids of Disney and our FLOTUS, telling you about something called "Healthy Magic," which sounds like a quick and easy weight loss surgery or pill, no? It probably has something to do with promise rings and that Hannah Montana girl. But everyone is giggling and talking so fast, who really knows? Perhaps Disney should cut a deal with Michelle Obama, and she could star in her own show as the hardworking First Mom who handles all the crazy White House hijinx with her talking dog, Bo. Then the kids would really eat their veggies, in front of the television. [ People ]

 Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move for "The FLOTUS Files," which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.