please media! tell everyone our school is stupid and racist!

Georgetown U. Finds Piece Of Rope, Assumes Lynching Racist Is On Loose

Yep, probably.Georgetown University employees found a piece of rope in the utility tunnels under campus this week, and everyone knows what you think when you see a piece of rope: Somebody must have been using it as a noose to string up people, racistly! At least that was the verdict reached by the administration of Georgetown, a supposed local “smart people” school. But somehow it turns out the rope wasn’t used as a noose, but rather for drunk students to climb down into these grimy old tunnels, a campus tradition for dumb secret societies and such. How will Georgetown ever recover from such an offensive activity?

The noose thing, of course, has become a popular local teevee news item, because LOOK! RACISM! OVER THERE! And there was even some OFFENSIVE GRAFFITI in these old tunnels students have been using for years.

This morning, a University official told local television news outlets that the rope has been identified as a piece of climbing equipment, not a noose. The official also confirmed that the graffiti was not a recent act.

But these “important new details” did not come out before idiot University administrator Todd Olson could send out an overblown e-mail about the whole matter, just to make everyone on campus know for sure that everyone on campus is a total racist.

The possibility of this kind of symbol on our campus is deeply troubling and extremely serious. We must underscore that acts of vandalism, hate and intolerance have no place in our campus community. As a Catholic and Jesuit university, we are committed to fostering a community that is welcoming to people of all races, religions, and ethnicities and that values understanding, inclusion and respect.

Yes, when have you ever even seen a piece of rope or read racist graffiti on, say, a bathroom stall? No you haven’t, as these things are DEEPLY TROUBLING.

But, fortunately, religion will be here to comfort you after hearing some piece of rope was found somewhere.

Knowing that many people will find this news of great concern, representatives from Student Affairs, DPS and Campus Ministry will be available at a meeting for the campus community this evening at 9 p.m. in the Village C Alumni Lounge. Please know that you may also contact CAPS at (202) 687-HELP or a chaplain at (202) 668-3195 at any time. Chaplains in residence and residence life staff are available to meet with students as well.

You will remember this school as the place where students take out ads seeking personal assistants and law school students take their professor’s class exercises for real events. Those things, and putting roofies in girls’ drinks at Rhino’s, are also important parts of the Jesuit identity.

Your afternoon editor’s alma mater is really starting to make GW look respectable. [Vox Populi]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. CablinasianDem

    It's sad that Georgetown administrators can't recognize the tell tale signs of an autoerotic asphyxiation trend.

  2. JMPEsq

    "As a Catholic and Jesuit university, we are committed to fostering a community that is welcoming to people of all religions, whether the One True Holy Faith, or hellbound heretic Protestant, Christ-killing Jew or heathen everything else; and that values understanding, inclusion and respect."

  3. Troubledog

    A few months ago, a janitor simply painted over a swastika that some dude taking a shit had idly scratched into a men's room stall at the local college. While this might seem a sensible way to handle this matter, and really, pretty much how one deals with graffiti — the academi-tards got wind of it a couple weeks after the fact.

    This became front page news for weeks as attention seeking liberal idiots (the ones that give good liberals like you and me a bad name and a headache) picketed, protested, yelled into bullhorns about how the college's admistration was "covering up racism and hate crimes".

    So — damned if you do, and damned if you don't. It's almost enough to make me start drinking again.

  4. slappypaddy

    rope is for smoking (those clever kids are calling it "climbing equipment." what they won't think of next…).

  5. mrblifil

    Why do people always have to draw the most negative conclusions? Racist threat indeed! I mean aren't we all being told all the time how we have to do everything we can to care for teens contemplating suicide? This is what a person gets for trying to help.

  6. chascates

    Bet they don't have the stolen skeleton of a famous Native American in a coffin that they make rich legacy pledges masturbate in!!

  7. edgydrifter

    I commend Mr. Olson for his vigilance and endorse his decision to ban shoelaces from campus, which are a clear and obvious symbol used by white supremacists to self-identify and keep their shoes from falling off.

      1. deelzebub

        If I was a racist who thought Jews controlled the media, and I worked for the media (ergo all my bosses are Jews), I would be smart enough not to go on an anti-Semitic rant about Jews on tape. But then again, Rick Sanchez has always been a dumbass.

    1. SarcasticNymph

      I tuned into CNN to check this out and they were just playing Klezmer music on continuous loop.

  8. Lascauxcaveman

    Knowing that many people will find this news of great concern, representatives from Student Affairs, DPS and Campus Ministry will be available at a meeting for the campus community this evening at 9 p.m.

    Y'know, if we were *really* bored tonight, we could all go there and just mill about, looking sheepish about the whole non-event.

  9. Tommmcatt

    Anyone that has ever worked at a college knows that one does anything, ANYTHING AT ALL, to avoid having to talk with dumb-ass undergraduates. I would have written a 20-page email like and then translated it into Spanish for PC value to avoid holding my office hours back in the day.

    Damn kids and their youngness.

  10. Blendergoathead

    Hoo boy, was going to comment something brilliant, but I think the shrooms are kicking in. Something about blah blah typical liberal behavior… hypersensitive b/c there are actual crazy racists that would do that stuff… can't deal with reality…

    oh, fuck it. SHINY!!!!

  11. x111e7thst

    "Putting roofies in girls’ drinks at Rhino’s, are also important parts of the Jesuit identity."
    That gave me a thought – maybe if Christine O'Donnell slipped herself the odd roofie she would discover the magical joy of stroking it and become a less utterly annoying person.

  12. BklynIlluminati

    Ok I am as jaded as the next interwebs user. But man lynching pics get to me, I once got stuck in a Wiki hole of lynching research and it was a vile thing a thing that hurts even if i never even was alive for one. …..ok here is the mandatory snark line. FUCK DA HOYAS….i will be less serious the next time i promise

    1. GeneralLerong

      Makes me wince, too. And I never lynched anybody, or wanted to, or was related to anyone who wanted to or even knew how. And yet the ghastliness makes me cringe, even as a drawing.

      Beam me up, Scotty.

      1. transfatz

        I guess we just have to put up with it since we're inherently an incorrect bunch of irreverent spirits. It actually makes my heart hurt though. It makes me sad.

  13. Triscuits

    I found rope beside our bed earlier tonight, and handcuffs. Does this mean that my boyfriend is going to lynch me? Does Jesus know?

  14. OhHellToTheNo

    As a black person, I always thought my gym class teachers were trying to lynch me with that rope during class. It turns out they were trying to kill all my classmates during class, regardless of race. Do I need to write an apology for having Jesse Jackson deliver a speech on their front lawns or should I just let it go?

  15. lochnessmonster

    Obviously Sanchez thinks that because there is no picture when you're on the radio and no one can see you, that no one can hear you either.

  16. Plowmon

    So how many people of color do you have to lynch to gain entrance to secret societies these days?

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