death of a great blog

Gay-Stalking Michigan Asst. AG Takes Leave of Absence, Finally

Damn Jew bigots always bringing down the genius who speaks his mind.Michigan Assistant Attorney General Andrew Shirvell’s campaign to stop University of Michigan students from having a student body president WHO IS GAY is apparently over, and now he has taken a leave of absence from his job. That’s too bad! Shirvell’s Facebook profile and blog are now down too. And he will face a disciplinary hearing when he comes back to work. Just the other day, Shirvell showed up at a Michigan Student Assembly meeting and said he would “not back down.” That’s funny, because he just did! The radical gay student Nazi agenda wins again!

Also funny: Shirvell’s boss, Attorney General Mike Cox, went on Anderson Cooper’s show Wednesday night to defend his lack of action on Shirvell.

“He does satisfactory work and, off hours, he’s free to engage under both our civil service rules, Michigan Supreme Court rulings and the United States Supreme Court rule,” Cox said.

Cox did, however, call Shirvell’s actions “offensive.”

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“He’s clearly a bully. Absolutely. And is he using the Internet to be a bully? Yes,” Cox said. “But is that protected under the First Amendment of the United States Constitution? Yes.”

But now when Shirvell comes back, Cox is going to actually do his job, something conservative attorneys general hate to do, unless those attorneys general decide consumers are being mean to businesses or ladies are being mean to fetuses. Cox just lost a gubernatorial primary against a random businessman running as “one tough nerd,” so he is actually super-against doing anything but sitting around the office in sweatpants, drinking Kahlua from the bottle.

Sometimes media pressure actually works when the people under pressure are not Sarah Palin! And now a college student will get to go back to doing his job being a college student. [Detroit Free Press]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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110 comments

    1. Fare la Volpe

      My buddy reports anal beads are on sale at the Detroit Hustler. Sounds like a fun weekend ahead!

  1. weejee

    Mmmmm, since this is Cocktober. Someone posting some tawdry bit with photos showing Andy Shirvell is totally ghey in 3, 2, ….

          1. CthuNHu

            So, no Shrivell-Cox gay wedding, I'm guessing.

            And thus no hulking future ax-murderer child nicknamed Tiny.

      1. randomsausage

        Mark Foley was/is a happy gay. Loves Elton John. And young cock.

        Shrivell is more of a Larry "Wide Stance" Craig, self-loathing kind of gay.

  2. PsycWench

    Maybe, horrible as it was, Tyler Clementi's suicide did accomplish one thing previously thought impossible: taking gay-bashing seriously. Case in point. Sorry, am working up to snark.

    1. HELisforHEL

      I was thinking the same thing. Perhaps now people will begin shouting down assholes like this clown and those heinous little bullying turds at Rutgers and they will be the ones to jump off a bridge. I will not shed any tears for any of them. I just hope they take the entire republican party and the teabaggers with them.
      Yeah, low on the snark with this subject today.

    2. bitchincamaro2

      I thought it was the brutal murder of Matthew Shepard 12 years ago that was supposed to persuade folks to take gay bashing seriously. How soon they forget.

    3. Kitty_Sanchez

      I'm utterly snarkless here too. The spate of publicity on gay-teen bullying and suicides is making my soul sick.

      Shirvell actually tried to tell Anderson Cooper that his harassment of a college kid wasn't "personal" but "political." And so he felt his behavior was justified. I was stunned by the utter lack of humanity this disturbed creature demonstrated for this kid. It's frightening to see it so blatantly on display.

  3. Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Off to grow a beard.

    Oh, and note to Mr. Cox: Patron Café is MUCH better than Kahlua.

    It's Coxtober!

  4. Terry

    Apparently Shirvell lives in the Ann Arbor area. He's also trying to lead a boycott of a pizza parlor in town that has a rainbow flag sticker on it's door.

    1. mumbly_joe

      Of course, since those stickers are often used to identify Safe Spaces, it's entirely plausible that Shirvell and any tards following him boycotting might well be a win-win proposition.

      Assuming, of course, there's no harrassment, which, let's be honest, there probably will be, if the rest of the crap he's doing is any indication.

  5. deelzebub

    He's really focused on doing what is right for the University of Michigan. I'm only ever that fixated on someone I want to fuck…..oh wait, now I get it.

    1. Kitty_Sanchez

      Yeah. Seriously — how obvious is it that this guy is desperately fighting to destroy something he sees in himself? The self-loathing has killed his soul. He is now incapable of seeing this kid as a human being.

      Frankly, Shirvell scares the hell out of me.

    1. dittoBot3000

      Another hilarious Shirvell tweet: "All I wanted to do was promote my appearance on AC360 and I am being pounded from every angle." Male gangbanging is 100% not gay.

    2. SexySmurf

      This reminds me of the scene in Pink Flamingos when Divine opens the package with the turd in it, and says, "Someone sent me a bowel movement!" What I'm saying is if they make a movie about this dude John Waters should direct it.

  6. Monsieur_Grumpe

    He’s probably spending his time trying to figure a way to duplicate and repeat the process of internet broadcasting of college student’s romantic rendezvous with the intent of driving them to jump off of bridges. Everyone needs a hobby I guess.

  7. SayItWithWookies

    Nice to know that Mr. Cox has such stringent standards of behavior for the people in his office enforcing the law: bullying, stalking and harassment are fine — right up until it gets national attention. Let this be a warning to all his future DAs to keep it local.

  8. neiltheblaze

    You only stalk the ones you love. He wants to play kiss the lizard with that boy so bad he can almost taste it.

  9. Ducksworthy

    Maybe he can team up with Rick Sanchez to write that book on the conservative value of intolerance.

  10. JMPEsq

    Well he couldn't let that college student go around presidentin' while being all openly gay and stuff; why, it could give people the idea that non-closeted homosexuals could be productive members of society, which would lead to more coming out and less pretending to be straight and slinking off to public men's rooms for anonymous encounters.

      1. Fare la Volpe

        Naturally. There's no way this guy could get a date through anything other than a gloryhole.

  11. DCHatesMe

    Looking and acting gay is not just for gays anymore – or – Closet … you're standing in it.

    1. SarcasticNymph

      Nah, they want pot-belied old guys with constipation and young blonde bimbos. My guess is Fox will use him as a way to attack civil servant free speech reguations.

      1. petehammer

        "We go now to our chief legal affairs analyst, former Michigan Assistant Attorney General…"

        I see it happening.

  12. elviouslyqueer

    Quoth (ahem) Cox: “He’s clearly a bully. Absolutely. And is he using the Internet to be a bully? Yes,” Cox said. “But is that protected under the First Amendment of the United States Constitution? Yes.”

    That's interesting. Correct me if I'm wrong, but if it were protected by the 1st, then why do 43 states say otherwise?

    1. natoslug

      That's easy, Cox must not be a big states' rights person. I wish I had more snark for people like this, but all I feel is sad that we're not allowed to beat some sense into people like Shrivel and Cox. Hmmm, sounds like a great name for a cop buddy movie: Shrivel and Cox, Stiff Justice III.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      Oh c'mon. You can't expect a state Attorney General to know stuff about laws and stuff.

  13. JoshuaNorton

    I see a restraining order in someone's future.

    I hope Chris Armstrong doesn't have a pet rabbit.

    1. outragedcitizen

      I hope he has body guards. IMHO, Shrivel is a dangerous psychopath, particularly now that he has for all practical purposes lost his job. Which he will no doubt blame on the Homo-Nazi conspiracy.

  14. Urban_Achiever

    To paraphrase Bill Maher, if your assistant attorney general thinks that being gay is a sin, immoral, an evil temptation, or has any opinion stronger than "who gives a sh__" then your assistant attorney general is probably gay.

    Also, to Mike Cox: YOU SUCK MIKE COX!

  15. Troubledog

    It's the same outrage that Christine O'Donnell is filled with. The fact that the gays are "getting away" with something.

    O'DONNELL: But let me tell you something! They — homosexuals' special rights groups can get away with so much more than nobody else can!

    COLMES: Well, what are they getting away with here, Christine? Tell me what you're seeing…

    O'DONNELL: They're getting away with nudity! They're getting away with lasciviousness! They're getting away with perversion! They're getting away with blasphemy!

    1. axmxz

      She should start a campaign for legislation mandating that gays stay clothed at all times, even in the shower.

    2. CthuNHu

      This is why the gay agenda has to be stopped. These are the things that make our lives worth living, and I'll be damned if I'm going to just let the gays take them away.

    3. JustPixelz

      I gotta draw the line at blasphemy. Blasphemy is … is … is … GODDAMN IT I lost my fucking dictionary. Holy Christ on a popsicle stick this proves there is no God. A useful god would give us peace, long life and a DICTIONARY. Or at least a Thesaurus so we could make cinnamons. Fuckin' blasphemy.

      1. transfatz

        She needs to stone herself in the past. Come to think about it she need to stone herself in the present as well.

  16. smokefilledroommate

    Now he has more time to spend with his pr0n –the footage of Armstrong's house which he imagines entering, you know, coming inside.

    [why is my zero not showing up in pr0n? weird..]

  17. sati_demise

    oh, he will end up on one of those Jesus fundie channels right before he gets caught doing ecstacy with a luggage handler.

    1. BornInATrailer

      Maybe that is the issue. He's so far back his only dating prospects are a talking badger or Mr. Tumnus.

  18. johnnyzhivago

    Can't imagine why you wouldn't want to have a beligerant, bullying jackass as an assistant DA….

    You just know this guy is going to be found on the "satisfied customer" section of "Rent-a-Boy"

  19. LionelHutzEsq

    The Socialist are controlling the Government, the Jews are controlling the Media, and now the Gheys are controlling are Colleges?!?

    Thank God for the Tea Party so that we can put fat, stupid white people back in charge of everything!

  20. prommie

    This just goes to show that the white christian heterosexual male is the most downtrodden and repressed group in this country.

  21. Failed_2_Menace

    This is an ideal window for a leave of absence – great foliage on the Appalachian Trail.

  22. Jukesgrrl

    It would be very lucky for him if he's not gay. Because that photo just screams, "My wiener is cocktail-size."

  23. 7pilesofwisdom

    Andrew needs the time off to decide which office he will run for after his grandstanding paid off. Welcome the David Duke of the North!

  24. kenlayisalive

    This poor bastard is so gay he doesn't know what to do with himself. It is probably all the repressed feelings that erupted to the surface during the interview with AC.

    This guy is such a gay volcano, his eruption formed a new beach on Fire Island.

    Probably can't get his slacks on to go to work, his dick is so raw from the constant guilt-ridden self-abuse.

    1. sati_demise

      oh, he thought Anderson would be all cuddly and smoozy. How dare the closeted gays not stick together in tough times!

  25. SecretMuslin

    Most people I know that are this involved in the Alumni Associations at their schools are a bit deranged.

  26. GeoffPeterson

    Making a White Russian isn't that hard, dude. I mean, yes, you do have to buy milk, but still.

  27. Katydid

    Can you be so repressed you don't even know you're gay? How is that possible? But this guy's behavior is so pathological it's beyond disturbing.

    1. axmxz

      There are no bounds to how intentionally self-blind a person can be under constant psychological siege by fears of divine retribution beaten into them in childhood. Shrivel is a sad, pitiful little guy.

    2. Fare la Volpe

      Honey, I've known guys with dicks in their mouths who've still insisted they weren't gay. Repression's a bitch.

  28. anniegetyourfun

    "unless those attorneys general decide consumers are being mean to businesses or ladies are being mean to fetuses"

    True words have never been written.

  29. bumfug

    Punctuation check: Shouldn't "Gay-Stalking Michigan Asst. AG" read "Gay, Stalking Michigan Asst. AG?"

  30. Mort_Sinclair

    Ugh. The attorney who couldn't maintain eye contact with a camera. Hmmm. Do you think he can maintain eye contact with his inflatable Caucasian male, approximately 21 years of age, with blond hair and blue eyes?

  31. JustPixelz

    I gotta side with Shirvell on this. Because basically, I could get fired or pressured for some of the things I write on wonkette. Especially because I write them when I'm supposed to be in some half-assed meeting with my half-wit boss implementing some half-baked idea. Idjits. Morans. Half-breed muslins. OH. Like I said, i could get in trouble at work too.

    1. Mort_Sinclair

      Are you a public official stalking a college kid on a webpage you maintain under your real name because you can't stop thinking about his sexuality? If so, yes you could get fired. If not, then who gives a shit what you post under a pseud on Wonkette?

  32. KennyCB

    I know Mr. Shrivelled is supposedly "waiting for the right girl," but every time he opens his mouth a purse falls out!

  33. transfatz

    Repressed, downtrodden and soon to be restrained. Some guys have all the luck. Remember your safe word Andy.

  34. Triscuits

    Hooray, now this asshole will more time to stalk gay student bodies! Oh…wait…

    Seriously, though, I'm so happy to hear this. I hope Shirvell crawls back into his fap-cave and never comes out.

  35. DaSandman

    Another sad portrait of self loathing. Just bedazzle the shit out of yourself Andy and come roaring out of the closet..

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