smart people

Rick Sanchez Finally Reveals World’s Secret: Everything Run By Jews

'But seriously, being criticized on Comedy Central is worse than the Holocaust.'According to CNN’s Rick Sanchez, Rick Sanchez is not an idiot, he merely came from a working class family. And that’s why Rick Sanchez hates Jon Stewart: Jon Stewart is “bigoted” against him. And Jews like Jon Stewart “run” CNN and “all the other networks,” so Jews aren’t allowed to be a minority. Makes sense! That is a logical thing to say. “Wait a minute, this guy is criticizing me, but doesn’t he realize I’m a minority? You can’t criticize minorities.” Why does Rick Sanchez know he is a smart person? Because he said all these comments about Jon Stewart and the Jews out loud, on a national radio show.

If I did just sit there and read the teleprompter every day, Jon Stewart would never say a word about me. He’d say I’m a good Hispanic anchor, “Way to go, you’ve done a good job, stay right there.” … I am a complex human being, I’m not some moron to be…”

Rick Sanchez needs to spend the “time off” his Jewish overlords are about to give him writing a screenplay about his feelings, because he is a very complex human being. He is so very complex that he came up with the very original hypothesis that the Jews control everything, and now we are all stunned by his remarkable insight.

Very powerless people… [snickers] He’s such a minority, I mean, you know [sarcastically]… Please, what are you kidding? … I’m telling you that everybody who runs CNN is a lot like Stewart, and a lot of people who run all the other networks are a lot like Stewart, and to imply that somehow they — the people in this country who are Jewish — are an oppressed minority? Yeah. [sarcastically]

There is only one oppressed minority, and it is idiots who are paid millions of dollars to host a primetime CNN show. Rick Sanchez, unlike everyone else who has ever lived, is VERY REPRESSED.

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Also, somebody sent us a tip (thank “Aris!”) that Rick Sanchez said his first-grade teacher labelled him mentally retarded. But what do we know? We’re all Jews. [Stand Up! With Pete Dominick]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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193 comments

  1. bumfug

    If Rick thought getting tazed was fucked up wait til the jewboys who run the media get done with him.

  2. edgydrifter

    It's so true. Without teleprompters, any of us is liable to point at the full moon and say, "wow, Hawaii sure is bright tonight."

    1. nachoproblem

      My only regret is that I have but one thumb to give this comment. (Don't worry, it's a good thumb.)

    2. Sparky_McGruff

      I've always thought Rick Sanchez is a complete tool. Honestly, it's not because of anything he says, because I haven't listened to a thing he says in years.

      After the taser video I just hear a bzzzzzzzzzzzt! bzzzzzzzzt! in my mind whenever I see his mug on the teevee.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        And Rick's List on CNN was supposed to be his second chance at the big time. Does he get a THIRD one?

    1. Ducksworthy

      That was before our reptilian overlords discovered that really really stupid people have money and can be frightened into voting for candidates chosen to represent the interests of our reptilian overlords and so represent a valuable market segment which also deserves it place on CNN.

  3. natoslug

    He does look a bit like Mel Gibson in that photo, so I could understand how the Jewish Overlord Committe could get confused and start persecuting him by accident. I can't tell you how many times my resemblance to Joseph Goebbels has caused me problems

    Oh, and just because you're still freaked out every time you get an erection doesn't mean you're a complex person, Rick. It just means you're special.

    1. Ducksworthy

      If it comes to a showdown between our Reptilian Overlords and our Jooish Overlord, I'm siding with the Joos. At least they're warm blooded.

        1. NorthStarSpanx

          That and we didn't even need Stewart and his team of repressed interns to comb Sanchez tape for highlights to prove to us he's an idiot.

      1. NorthStarSpanx

        Damn, Laura Bush, Brandy, Matthew Broderick, that Noxema girl and now Sanchez all seem so harmless, and yet every time they look into the camera they think to themselves, "I killed a 'man,' 'child,' 'woman.'"

  4. BaldarTFlagass

    "everybody who runs CNN is a lot like Stewart, and a lot of people who run all the other networks are a lot like Stewart"

    They're all short and funny? Who'd a thought.

  5. elviouslyqueer

    Hey, Rick, if you're tired of being repressed by CNN and teh Jooz, I hear Meg Whitman is in the market for a new houseboy.

  6. prommie

    Someone just brought a knife to a gunfight, this is not going to end well for this moron. Ooops, I am sorry, so insensitive of me, I meant "retard."

  7. Rambone

    How dare you accuse the Jews of running the media! We'll make sure you never work in this business again!

  8. SayItWithWookies

    Rick has certainly proved he's a genius — how many other people could get the Most Offensive Comment of the Day award on the same day an Osama bin Laden statement is released?

  9. BeWoot

    "a lot of people who run all the other networks are a lot like Stewart"

    Such a sweet, sweet dream.

    1. TanzbodenKoenig

      Yea, for real, don't threaten us with a good time Rick. Stewart's taint could host a show with more talent than 90% of the CNN crew

  10. SheriffRoscoe

    "If I did just sit there and read the teleprompter every day, Jon Stewart would never say a word about me. He’d say I’m a good Hispanic anchor, “Way to go, you’ve done a good job, stay right there.” …" (Rick Sanchez)

    Ha! So true! When Jon goes off on all the cable anchors for reading the copy and refraining from going full stupid…..hey…wait a minute……

  11. hooray4anything

    This comment maks me happy because as a Jew, it's been awhile since we've heard some good old-fashioned, non-Mel Gibson, type anti-semitism. It's old school.

  12. GuanoFaucet

    Sanchez added: "He can’t relate to a guy like me. He can’t relate to a guy whose dad worked all his life. He can’t relate to somebody who grew up poor."

    No, Rick, the reason he can't relate to you is because you are a moron. It's hard to relate to someone when the stupid coming out of their mouth sets fire to your brain cells.

      1. CapnFatback

        Hispanic? Check.
        Anchor? Check.
        Baby? Check.
        Doing a job that "Real Merkins" don't want to do (CNN host)? Check.
        Get me my pitchfork, Martha, there's a Sanchez in the barn.

    1. hooray4anything

      Rick has a good point as Jon's parents both were rich and bathed in money everyday. And since Rick's father worked all his life doing whatever and Rick is merely only a CNN Anchor, does that mean Rick thinks he's not really working hard?

      Hate that BS, that if you don't do some remedial blue collar job you're basically a slacker.

  13. Rotundo_

    Just when you think he has reached the bottom of the well of stupidity, Rick digs a little deeper and gifts us with another shining example of why he works for the most trusted name in news.

  14. prommie

    That link there, that was very very amusing, I do so enjoy sheer, absolute viciousness. This Sanchez really is a tard.

  15. doxastic

    My favorite part is when he specifies "the people in this country who are Jewish" just in case people are having trouble following his subtle insinuations.

  16. SecretMuslin

    Rick Sanchez starts most of his rants with: "I'm not anti-semitic, but…" And he ends them with: "Hey, I've got lots of Jewish friends."

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      In my mis-spent youth, I was a bit anti-semiotic, but then I read Name of the Rose and thought, Hey, these semioticians have it going on!

  17. nachoproblem

    Rick Sanchez doesn't read off a teleprompter because, as Jon Stewart pointed out before, all they have is some guy shaking his car keys over the camera and saying "Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy!" Of course he was talking about Fox News, but obviously it applies to Remedial Rick as well.

    1. HateMachine

      No snark, I want Jon Stewart to put on his srs face, look straight into the camera, and request that Rick Sanchez go eat a bag of dicks and explode.

    2. V572625694

      Can't decide if it's better that this happened on a Friday, when Stewart & Co will have all weekend to craft a response, or worse because they might lose the anger. Should be entertainig no matter what!

  18. BaldarTFlagass

    Is it too late, or passè, for a "dirty" reference here? I'm very surprised and somewhat disappointed that there isn't one here yet, thirty minutes in.

    1. nachoproblem

      I considered it, but I was afraid it would be weak — too obvious, not really topical, and the phrase "Fucking Stupid Sanchez" does not connect to "dirty" well enough, even though it is more appropriate.

      EDIT: Wait, how about this: A "Rick Sanchez" is a sexual position in which one partner reads off a teleprompter while performing analingus.

  19. walterhwhite

    I've been waiting for someone to take off on the Jews. After all, we've been treated fairly decently for a few decades now.

  20. PsycWench

    Man, I thought my Jewish husband was going to work every day at a college but it turns out he was reporting to CNN instead. I want more spending money now.

    1. JoeMamased

      He's only running CNN on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Mondays and Wednesdays he controls the banks, and Saturday it's his turn to manipulate the blacks. Isn't the schedule hanging on your fridge?

      1. DoktorZoom

        This schedule is totally improbable. This would mean he has to kidnap Gentile children and manufacture evidence of "the Holocaust" in his spare time.

      2. PsycWench

        No! This is all such a big shock. He kept telling me he was having an affair and all this time he was working overtime….

  21. Eve8Apples

    I'll see your Rally to Restore Sanity and raise you a healthy pile of antisemitism.

    Seriously, is this some maniacal scheme to drive-up Sanchez's Twitter twaffic, 'cause it makes no sense whatsoever on any other level.

  22. GuanoFaucet

    Also from the article, Sanchez says: "deep down, when they look at a guy like me, they see a guy automatically who belongs in the second tier, and not the top tier.”

    No, not the second tier, Rick. When they look at you they see a guy who belongs on the media short bus.

  23. northernbassist

    Tricky weasel–letting this story break on a Friday, when he knows Stewart won't be able to respond, probably because he's quite sure that some other moronic waste of oxygen will out-outrage us in the next three days.

  24. SheriffRoscoe

    Anybody ever see Stewart imitate Mayor Bloomberg? That is some funny shit. I mean, he's the spitting image. Imagine a Jewish gay man who's not "really" gay, and you'll get the picture.

    Jon Stewart is bigoted toward non-gay Jews who act gay. That's how Rick Sanchez would sum it up.

  25. Trinket

    Uh, Rick, Jon's not picking on you because you're Hispanic. He's picking on you because you're a moron.

    Reminds me of this guy I knew in college who thought every chick who wouldn't date him was a lesbian.

  26. neiltheblaze

    Couldn't he have at least come up with something more imaginative to display his paranoid conspiracy streak? "Jews run everything"? Even Jews just yawn and roll their eyes at that one now. So trite. Why not the Bilderberg Group? – or if you want to go retro, how about the Freemasons?

    This is what CNN gets for hiring inexperienced cranks, and lets seasoned professional cranks like Glenn Beck slip through their fingers.

    1. hooray4anything

      Yeah, it's been awhile since we've had some anti-Freemason stuff going on. If he would have said something abou the Freemansons, I'd actually start watching him.

  27. Asa_Hawks

    IF
    Rick Sanchez is an idiot
    AND
    John Stewart makes fun of him for it
    AND
    Rick Sanchez continues to act like a buffoon
    THEN
    Jews control the media. QED

    1. Lost_Teabaggers

      Yeah but he didn't get fired for what he said about John Stewart, after all Tucker Carlson's boring, bowtied buffoonery said much worse about Johnny Stew…hell the whole Fox News team has. This isn't about that…this is the same thing that happened to Helen Thomas, only in her case some neocon rabbi with a hankerin' for Mooslim killin' entraped her. What Sanchez said as moronic as it is isn't even in the same BALLPARK with what Teabaggers and wingnuts unload on President Obama and indeed all black people and minorities (except Jewish people) weekly; yet they never get fired for it. I'll tell you if he worked for Al Jazeera and Rick Sanchez scoffed at Muslims owning the media, he'd be fired. Simple as that…

  28. notreelyhelping

    There's really no reason he can't be an idiot and come from a working class family. They're not, uh…mutually exclusive.

  29. problemwithcaring

    Sanchez is so out of touch. It states clearly in the ACORN-Salinsky-Ayers handbook that Cubans Americans lost their minority status privilege of not being ridiculed in the media once Cameron Diaz happened.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Since the Cubans here are mostly white and rabidly anti-commie, and because of Desi Arnaz, they got a Conservative Emancipation Proclamation. They're still so mad about the Bay Of Pigs, they'd dig up Kennedy and shoot him again. They only bother with Black Cubans when there's a secret chicken-killing party for Ogun or Shango. If you need some "plumbing" work done at a campaign HQ, they can hook you up.

      See how it feels, Sanchez?

  30. JoshuaNorton

    CNN should just dropkick his ass into the gutter. That way it will be easier for Fox to find him.

  31. SystemError

    Memo to Rick: People stop caring what other people's dads do for a living at about age 13.

  32. imissopus

    I think someone just got himself uninvited from the next Stewart family Seder. But all is not lost, Rick. Stewart might still let you be a good Hispanic and mow his lawn.

    It's hard to make yourself look like the biggest dumbass of on-air talent at a network that employs Wolf Blitzer and Erick Erickson, but there you go.

  33. JMPEsq

    I'm just disappointed that he has to do this on a Friday, when there won't be a new Daily Show until Monday.

    But hey, it looks like somebody would be better off over at Fox News. CNN did at least eventually fire Dobbs for his overt racism.

    1. bearperney

      You may be on to something here… Maybe, this is all a ploy for Rick to get himself a better paying job over at Fox!

    2. sati_demise

      but the show will be honed, man. Twice as good if they get to work on it over the week end!

  34. JoshuaNorton

    There's nothing like a good "I'm a more oppressed minority than you are" contest! Extra bonus points for calling the liberal Caucasian a bigot.

  35. moldilox

    oi, what an uncircumsized jerk… doesn't he realize that jon stewrts' problem stems from his diminutive stature… get with it rick, we all know the short guys have an axe to grind… just sad.

  36. kvetch

    Rick & Mel- separated at birth? And since I (and my minyan) run CNN, don't you have to hail us as heroes for letting Anderson have that daytime show? But hey, we get FREE medical care from Sanjay (note use of word FREE – we love that word). Now all we gotta do is work on getting Campbell to convert.

  37. Bluestatelibel

    Not snarky, but I saw this guy do a weird thing yesterday on CNN. He had the female reporter who resisted the ample charms of James O'Keefe give him a report about what happened. She had to stand in front of his desk, while he sat there like the big boss looking her up and down. Very creepy.

  38. Ducksworthy

    Well. All I can say is thank Gawd. Its all out in the open now. The illuminati, the world bank, CNN, MSNBC, Hollywood etc. etc. So Rick. What about the holocaust? Justified? Just a little? Hmmm. Didn't happen?

    1. DoktorZoom

      The consensus among White Power Rangers is that the Holocaust was both justified AND mythical.

  39. Rasvar

    Rick Sanchez – the bubble-headed blond anchorwoman of CNN is finally on the rag again. I haven't seem him go this much PMS since he went all Defcon 1 on the Hawaii Tsunami. Please CNN, use this as an excuse to ship his butt back to Miami tabloid news. The only time Rick's List is worth watching is when someone else is hosting it. The guy is Stewart's wet dream of comedy. But he has gotten so easy to target that it is like punching a kid in a wheelchair with the brakes on.

  40. wokeupliberal

    Wow, last time we Jews got together, he wasn't even on the ballot for targeting by our venomous rage. Why is he taking us so personally?

  41. LionelHutzEsq

    Finally, someone with the balls to take on the Jew Controlled Media and kikes like Ted Turner.

  42. bearperney

    I actually agree with Glenn Beck on one thing and that is that Rick Sanchez is the dumbest guy on cable teevee with his own program.

  43. Gopherit

    Oh, Rick, you were way more awesome when you let your self get tasered for your craft. Also, it won't be too many mornings from now that you will be found dead after having choked to death on a bite of bagel and lox.

  44. AlaskaGrrl

    Well, he is right, the Jews aren't a repressed minority. Neurotic maybe, anal retentive possibly, a tinge of justifiable paranoia certainly, but repressed? Nah.

    1. problemwithcaring

      Yep. Now if only to prove that point he didn't offer as evidence the fact that "Jews run all the networks," he would still be just a moron, instead of a fired moron.

  45. RandyAyn

    How is this a news show when all he does is read people's stupid twitters? At least Tosh.0 makes fun of the great American moron.

  46. MiniMencken

    Even though I'm not Jewish, I went to the deli for lunch last week between cleaning swimming pools on my route. Ordered the pastrami sandwich. I was thoughtfully nibbling a half-sour pickle and just minding my own business when an old guy with a beard and skullcap tapped me on the shoulder and asked, "Excuse me, but would you be interested in running a major broadcasting network?"
    Just like that! I swear!

  47. guangho

    Lou Dobbs. Ted Turner. Anderson Cooper. Christianne Ammanpour Rick Sanchez. Nancy Grace, Sanjay Gupta. Candy Crowley. A.J. Hammer. Richard Quest. Roland Martin. Soledad O'Brien. Did I just name the twelve tribes?

  48. finallyhappy

    If it wasn't still Simchat Torah and almost Shabbat, he would be in really big trouble. As it is- who is Rick Sanchez?

  49. chascates

    Rick Sanchez has been fired from CNN following his controversial comments on a radio show Thursday.

    "Rick Sanchez is no longer with the company. We thank Rick for his years of service and we wish him well,' a CNN statement said.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      They forgot to add "…in his endeavors." Sometimes it's "future endeavors" but they always say "endeavors."

      Kind of like "ado." Why doesn't anyone like "ado." Speakers always talk about "without further ado." Why don't they just skip the ado, or let you know it's coming but this time there won't be too much of it?

  50. jakegittes

    What a perfect set-up. Now he gets to go over to Fox News and say, "See? I was right. Just as soon as I said something anti-Semitic, I get fired. By the Jews. They didn't even wait a day to fire me." He says all of this while he's commiserating with Bernie Goldberg about the media that is run by the leftists. Oh. Wait. Bernie Goldberg is Jewish. That should make for some interesting television.

    1. imissopus

      So is Krauthammer. They could get together with Britt Hume who can tell them all why they are going to hell for not being white Christians.

      1. jakegittes

        Then, they could bring on Reverend Wright, who we all know is a secret Muslin, who can tell us that Britt Hume is an asshole. Oh. Wait. Britt Hume is an asshole.

  51. SaintRond

    Reading the liner notes to the Protocols of Zion doesn't fucking make you smart. It just makes you glib.

  52. Rasvar

    Well, I guess he could always return to the tabloid news of WSVN in Miami. First Larry King and now Sanchez. Heck, if all these CNN bums keep falling, that network may become watchable again.

    Would this count as a Friday news "dump" by CNN?

  53. mumbly_joe

    Okay, so one one hand, that rant was awful, and I'm fine with Sanchez being fired, if even simply on the strength of his long history of mediocrity, this present incident aside. However, on the other hand, if Sanchez had said something similar about gays or muslims, he probably wouldn't be losing his job, and even if he did, he'd be walking straight into a new one at Fox News. I'm thrilled that he won't be on the teevee news (though, we're getting Parker Spitzer in exchange, so meh) but on the flip side, I'm really fucking annoyed that the only bigotry we react swiftly and decisively to is anti-jewish bigotry.

    1. Rasvar

      The problem is that to be as dumb as Rick Sanchez is, you would have to be in the bubble headed blond anchor spot at Fox. Maybe Access Hollywood can pick him up to cover Mel Gibson.

  54. Rasvar

    Well, I guess it is official when your fan page disappears from Facebook and your profile gets locked down. One moment I am watching Sanchez get tasered and the next it is replace by a "Facebook removed this video" message while I was watching it and his fan page disappeared like Rick Sanchez at a Jewish Temple.

  55. miss_grundy

    In Spanish, Rick Sanchez would be called un comemierda, which means fool. Now that CNN has released him, he is free to become the token minority at Fox News Channel, which is owned by an Australian. (We can then see what he'll say about his bosses there!)

  56. HateMachine

    So now that Ricky's been shitcanned, Jon should extend an olive branch on Monday.

    "Rick, if you'd like a job, we here at the Daily Show would be happy to be your new Jewish Media Overlords."

  57. babsinbuffalo

    Rick Sanchez is the main reason I stopped watching CNN. He is as dumb as a bag of rocks. He will definitely be on Fox "News" within 48 hours. For crying out loud, how many of these dumb people can Fox fit into the weekly schedule??

  58. comrad_darkness

    The Jews moved Hawaii? I am impressed. Or Sanchez just is a moron. Let's see . . . which is more likely. . .

  59. gijoeice

    Maybe Tony Harris will deny the Holocaust and CNN will actually become a watchable channel during the day.

  60. lulzmonger

    Meh, just smells like attention-whoring from someone who's contract is up for renewal.

    From what I've been seeing on the Interwebs, Sanchez isn't an oppressed minority: the Asshole-American lobby is both huge & powerful.

  61. Lost_Teabaggers

    Okay so this might seem controversial…but this is getting to be too coincidental for nothing to be fishy. First Helen Thomas said what she said and even though she's been in that seat since the world was young she IMMEDIATELY gets canned. Then Sanchez said what he said and he get's IMMEDIATELY canned. Yet Rush Limbaugh has a long, long list of racist, bigoted, misogynistic and racially insensitive comments but not once has he said anything anti-semitic; he still has a job. Glenn Beck called President Obama a racist with deep seeded hatred of white people, yet he doesn't invoke teh jooze and he's fine. Wingnuts repeatedly say bigoted things about Muslims, yet I've never heard of one being fired for it. Wingnuts repeatedly slur hispanics and black people…yet no action. Two people, one an extremely long serving, polished reporter and the other who's kind of an idiot say something a bit…unseemly; I'm just saying rather than just piling on it seems a bit strange that media people can seemingly slur any group at will and get away with it except Jewish people.

    1. DCHatesMe

      Damn straight. It's almost as if Rick had a thought in his brain as to say the One Sure Thing that would get him fired. Making derogatory comments about blacks, gays, children or dogs doesn't always work, but dissing the jews at his job? Bingo.

  62. ActaNonVerba00

    Jewish people are, pound for pound, the most well off people in the United States. A great percentage are college educated and have professional occupations. They are incredibly disproportionately represented in government and the media. what's the freaking big whoop? Everybody knows this. At worst, these simple facts tend to suggest high achievement and perhaps a bit of nepotism, not too bad really. But, when you fire someone for pointing it out it looks EVIL and oppressive.

  63. NorthStarSpanx

    Where's Sarah's indignant Tweet rallying for Ricardo's right to insult the Jews? Her unfailing support of Israel (nevermind it is only to facilitate the Rapture) is concrete enough for her to broaden her appeal to the well-heeled Cuban immigrants.

  64. housbinfarteen

    "a lot of people who run all the other networks are a lot like Stewart"

    Rupert Murdock just passed-out.

  65. NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    support the federal reserve
    follow your AIPAC orders
    trust the government
    trust that 9/11 story
    trust the media

  66. defiantapple

    I think the best part of all of this is John Stewart won't even have to actually make fun of him. All he has to do is roll the clip. Sanchez takes care of everything himself.

  67. ActaNonVerba00

    American Jews make up only 2% of the population of America. Yet: they hold 36% of all post-graduate degrees, 46% make over $100,000 per year, they make up 15% of the U.S. Senate, 13% of the U.S. House of Representatives, 67% of members of the Board of the Federeal reserve, 33% of the U.S. Supreme Court. Media: Just taking CNN only, 55% of corporate officers for TBS, which owns CNN, are Jewish. On air, Larry King, John King, Howard Kurtz, Eliot Slpitzer, Joy Behar, Paula Zahn, etc.. Rick Sanchez has nothing to apologize for.

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