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Goodbye Forever: A Children’s Treasury of Rahm Emanuel Moments

Now he's just got to get the 2012 Democratic Convention for Chicago.Barack Obama just gave Rahm Emanuel a hearty kick in the ass, and Rahm rolled right out the door of the White House and into the trunk of Air Force Thug, the special Chicago mob car they use to travel back and forth to their home city, using a bootleggers’ tunnel that runs beneath the Erie Canal and the Great Lakes straight to John Dillinger’s Kenyan Socialist BDSM dungeon beneath Mayor Daley’s mausoleum (it’s the one with the star and crescent). Does anyone even remember the long-ago days when “Rahm Emanuel” was kind of a thing, and you people anxiously clicked blog posts about his adventures, which mostly consisted of having weird brothers and not having one of his fingers and just cold saving people’s lives all over theaters in Washington like a reverse John Wilkes Booth? Well, you did. You people loved Rahm Emanuel. Let’s laugh together, one more time.

It’s Rahm’s last day at work! What kind of hijinx occurred at the office, we wonder?

On Rahm Emanuel’s last day as White House chief of staff, the Council of Economic Advisers presented him with their going-away gift.

“This is a dead fish!” Emanuel said, according to ABC’s Jake Tapper. Austan Goolsbee, President Obama’s recently installed Office of Management and Budget chief, presented Emanuel with the gift saying, “I talked to the policy team and we wanted to give you a going-away present — something to show how we feel about you but also shows we understand your new possibilities. I was the natural go between — I voted for you all three times you ran for Congress and even in that first primary. So here is your present.”

The dead fish is a wink and a nod to Emanuel’s intimidating management style.

Oh! We thought he just really loved dead fish, because he’s a Jew. But no, it’s a “wink and a nod” to the enduring meme of the teabagger/racist crowd, that if you’re a politician from the nation’s third-largest population center and the capital of “flyover country” (where real Americans live?), then you are by nature a hip-hop gangster, just like Al Capone.

It was way back on June 21 when lobsterback broadsheet The Telegraph announced that Rahm would be quitting after the midterms. This story was a common Limey lie, as he already quit, today, but still, it was correct in the sense that he was planning to quit. The announced retirement of Chicago Mobland Boss Richard Daley the 2nd apparently sealed the deal (written in blood, on a dead fish), because there is nothing Rahm wants more than to be mayor of the “Third City.” And maybe, right now, there’s a young sonofabitch newspaper columnist along the lines of the late great Mike Royko, ready to make a career of attacking Mayor Rahm! (Haha, not really. Mike Royko was a talented writer and a great reporter and he actually left his home/office on a regular basis to “get stories” and “meet people” and “not be a fucking blogger,” so obviously there will be no such character in the 21st Century, but at least we’ve got “HuffPo Chicago,” right?!)

Here’s comical gay ex-Congressman Eric Massa talking about the time Rahm stared at Eric Massa’s dong:

But America’s love affair with Emanuel had ended even before the Eric Massa shower incident — way back in February of this year, in fact! That’s when we noted that the last person who still thought Rahm Emanuel was awesome was … Dana Milbank. (This is how you know something is “over.”)

Trig Wept.Why? For the same reason everyone else “lost favor” with America: Because Sarah Palin decided that Rahm had attacked the sanctity of Trig. Our Juli Weiner reported at the time:

Autocratic mayor of Facebook Sarah Palin needs a new feud, because no one has paid her any attention in like a week. And luckily for Palin, it seems her Google Alert for “Rahm Emanuel retarded” is solid fucking gold today, as she has declared war with Emanuel for referring to attempts to pressure Senate centrists “fucking retarded,” which is an Alaskan-language slur that can be loosely translated as “cynical play-acting.” F’reals: “Rahm’s slur on all God’s children with cognitive and developmental disabilities — and the people who love them — is unacceptable, and it’s heartbreaking.” Trig wept.

Wonkette's photography is ALWAYS top notch.And then we took a picture of Rahm at some pre-party or after-party related to the White House correspondents’ dumb dinner.

But mostly, Rahm saved people. He saved some random guy in a movie theater, for example:

Heartthrob angel of death Rahm Emanuel went to the movies Saturday night! He went to see a sports movie called The Wrestler at Washington’s E Street Cinema (the one that serves beer), and was getting all amped up to see Marisa Tomei’s boobs until the guy next to him had a seizure, at which point he just started cursing at everyone.

Rahm saved his life, according to Ben Smith.

He even saved the life of his worst enemy, somebody in Congress … we have to look this up. Was it Hastert? No, it was the guy in Tom DeLay’s district:

Everybody thought Rahm Emanuel was going to be such a hard-ass mobster for Barack Obama, but the actual strategy seems to involve Rahm personally saving people all over Washington every day, until everybody in town literally owes their life to Rahm. The superhero chief of staff saved a congressman yesterday, and not just any congressman, either — Emanuel saved the Republican now representing Tom DeLay’s old district!

Olson was working out in the U.S. House Members gym on Capitol Hill at about 6:20 a.m. when he collapsed. White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, who also was working out there, was one of the first to reach Olson after he went down, Olson’s spokesman, Luke Marchant, said.

Also, one time we did a quiz about Rahm and his various brothers who are ballet dancers or something, the end.

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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45 comments

  1. Terry

    So, good old Rahm was supposed to work between the White House and Hill and get things done. How'd that work out?

  2. SayItWithWookies

    Remember when everyone was afraid Rahm was gonna be a ballbuster? That'll be my most nostalgic thought about him.

    1. Boredw/Gravity

      Yeah, I thought he would constantly be handing the repubs their asses on a platter. Funny how just the opposite happened.

    2. Weenus299

      Andy Garcia in the Untouchables. The fucker even looked like Andy Garcia's Untouchable guy. I thought he'd pop a zipgun into Boehner's gut and that would be it. How wrong I was.

  3. Serolf_Divad

    Wow, this is like the Sesamee Street episode where they break it to Big Bird that Mr. Hooper being dead means he won't be coming back anymore, but we still have his memories… and then there were flashbacks to a bunch of old Sesamee Street episodes with Mr. Hooper in them being Mr. Hooper. It was touching, and sad.

    (Editor's Note: I didn't actually see the Sesamee Street episode in question, since I was in college at the time and didn't actually give a rat's ass, but I did read about it in Time Magazine or Mother Jones or Playboy or somewhere and I imagine it was probably something like what I've described above.)

    1. PsycWench

      I'm pretty sure it was a drug-induced hallucination. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

    2. Tommmcatt

      Wasn't there some weird peodophile actor on that show? How come no farewell episode for him?

  4. Mindblank

    I thought a dead fish was Mafia-code for somebody-or-other, probably Rahm's political career, 'sleeps with the fishes'. Or has The Godfather steered me wrong?

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Every time I give someone a dead fish they're all like "Awesome! I love smoked salmon! Thank you!"

      Maybe I'm doing it wrong?

  5. neiltheblaze

    Rahm, baby! Don't let the screen door hit ya where the good Lord split ya! You have the humanity and soul of a barracuda. You'll make a great Mayor of Chicago.

  6. Mumbletypeg

    He seems ungrateful for the Council's parting present. You'd think Rahm would give more thanks for all the fish.

  7. OneDollarJuana

    I, for one, will be sorry to see Rahm go. If it weren't for him we might be stuck with National Health Care, or at least a Public Option. And we'd be stuck with lower drug prices. Shoot, Gitmo might be closed, too. What a tragedy it could have been! But Rahm has saved our asses.

  8. SecretMuslin

    On NPR this morning they were giving Rahm a ton of credit for "everything the Obama White House has accomplished" so far. Gee, thanks Rahm for tying yourselves in knots to suck Republican "bipartisan" dick and for giving the American people watered down versions of everything important.

    Can we haz chief of staff with melon sized ballz now pleeze?

    1. Fox n Fiends

      agreed. Mr. Angry was really a capitulation-monkey. But considering he made his millions in the Wall Street world we shouldn't have expected less.

      1. Extemporanus

        I'd like a carpo di tutti carpi, with a side of insalata carprese and a glass of your best Manischewitz.

        Mangiamo, dead fucking retarded fishes!

    2. DustBowlBlues

      I join the chorus of voices who are tired of the Democrats being Charley Brown kicking the football that the Republicans Lucys are holding. They evidently designate some loser to play ball with the Ds just long enough to fuck up the legislation that they're going to vote against, anyway.

      And get fucking Fox out of the press room–or at least SRO in the WH press room. Another million to the Republicans. News network my ace.

  9. Extemporanus

    And as a bloodied and bowed Obama administration looked apprehensively on, Rahm Emanuel mounted his headless hell-steed Kartoum, let loose a bone-chillingly maniacal cry of "Fuck you, you fucking retards!", and triangulated off into the sunset…

  10. shirleyplz

    Can't help it, I'm going to miss sexy sexy Rahm. After that asshole yelled 'you lie' at Barry's state of the union speech Rahm ferociously attacked the republicans.

    The other thing I simply must commend you on Ken is the admirable use of the word 'lobsterback' to describe all things English.
    Because the British militia had red coats during revolutionary times and our shabbily dressed New England rebels derided them with this term winning the war and thus our nation was born.
    Thats how we learned American history here in Massachusetts so keep those lobsterback references coming!

  11. dittoBot3000

    "Do you know how awkward it is to have a political argument with a naked man?" Kinda. I sometimes try to make conversation with strippers when they put their stuff in my face- you know, to show them I'm not a weirdo.

  12. WunkRocker

    "using a bootleggers’ tunnel that runs beneath the Erie Canal and the Great Lakes straight to John Dillinger’s Kenyan Socialist BDSM dungeon beneath Mayor Daley’s mausoleum "
    Oh lordy, I'm gonna work that bit into my insane rant on stage tonight.

  13. DustBowlBlues

    G**damit, Ken. Why the fuck did I waste time posting touching/cute pictures on retarded facebook when I could have been reading Hilarious headlines from "my" wonkette. Rahm's penchant for saving people all over DC and the John Wilkes Booth in reverse were, by themselves, worth the price of admission. If the wonkett had admission prices. As it is, give yourself a pat on the back from the wonkeratti.

  14. PrezCamacho

    Motherfucker so cool… in the first movie about the Obama administration, George Clooney will play Rahm.

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