new license plate slogan: 'fuck that utah guy'

Utah Congressman To Be In Charge of D.C., Put It Back Into Maryland

Hey, look at this guy he stood next to one time!The Washington City Paper‘s new “The Sexist” blogger, Dave Weigel, has a profile out on Jason Chaffetz, the “proto-Tea Party” freshman Republican Congressman from Utah who is poised to head the Federal Workforce, Postal Service, and the District of Columbia Subcommittee of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee. That’s actually sort of funny, because this guy doesn’t like DC! For example, part of his platform when he ran for office in 2008 was to work to keep the District from getting a vote in Congress. Oh, and he wants to stick DC into Maryland and overturn the legalization of gay marriage.

For people who don’t think a national legislature ought to be mucking around in the nitty-gritty of local government, Chaffetz actually has a fix. It just that his solution doesn’t happen to lie along the D.C. statehood/legal autonomy: In Chaffetz’s idea, most of what we now call Washington, D.C., could become Washington, Maryland.

Don’t feel so special now, do you?

Opponents of D.C.’s gay marriage law might be quickest on the trigger. The National Organization for Marriage tried, and failed, to get the D.C. Council to kill the bill. Next, NOM failed in a lawsuit to force a referendum. Chaffetz introduced legislation to do that, but it died in the House.

DC should have self-determination as long as “self” is defined as “random Mormon Republican Congressman from Utah.”

So what was Chaffetz’s dumb experience that turned him from a cosmetic company employee into a Republican? As usual, he was touched by the Reagan.

Chaffetz’s first job, which he held for a decade, was as a spokesman for a beauty company called Nu Skin. He underwent a political conversion there. When the company hired former President Ronald Reagan as a motivational speaker, Chaffetz was assigned to work with Reagan while he pep-talked Nu Skin employees. Reagan’s politics rubbed off on Chaffetz. Seeing Reagan off at the airport, he got an autograph and a pair of his new hero’s cuff links. He has called it the experience that made him a conservative.

Weirdo. [Washington City Paper]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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Comments

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  • SudsMcKenzie

    I cant even find "Mayland" on a map. Is it one of those GreenlandIceland things?

  • DCNole

    Gee, if only Bush had given me his cufflinks instead of Clinton, then maybe I'd be a Republican today.

    Oh wait, he's serious isn't he.

  • metamarcisf

    What is this "earth" Mayland, of which you speak?

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      I think it is a state of mind.

      • OhNoGuy

        No, no, no that's New York. Don't you listen to Billy What's His Name???

        • Bonzos_Bed_Time

          Mr. Brinkley?

  • torera

    Bet a belt buckle from Clinton would turn him Democrat and irresistible to the ladies. Well, no, probably not that last part.

  • Chet Kincaid

    Working for a "cosmetic company." "Rubbing off." An autograph and cufflinks for services rendered at the "airport." Opposed to gay marriage. We all know where this is leading.

    • PuckStopsHere

      Connect the dots, SHEEPLE!

      • Toomush_Infer

        SHORTS, is that you…?

    • Sparky_McGruff

      I've heard that Larry Craig is "lobbying" him hard. Really hard.

    • Nigel

      Find the video of him "leg wrestling" Colbert. There is no doubt.

  • JMPEsq

    Has he hypocritically pledged to support freedom and oppose intrusive big government?

    (It's a rhetorical question; he's a wingnut, of course the answer's yes).

  • natoslug

    Mormons aren't really people, are they? Why are they allowed in congress? Shouldn't he be back home, schtupping his 16 sister wives rather than mucking about with unclean things livke government? (I'm allowed to mock the Mormons, since I'm married to one (even though I kind of broke her mormon-ness when I introduced her to demon rum), right? Please?)

    • petehammer

      Demon rum? I just call it my Johnson.

    • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

      Rum was overkill. Starbucks would have been sufficient.

      • natoslug

        Baby steps. She had to work up to coffee.

        • zhubajie

          Try black rum in your coffee!

    • zhubajie

      "…I'm married to one…"

      Only one?

      • natoslug

        Only one. After hanging out with her 5 sisters, I realized there's only so much crazy I can take.

  • bitchincamaro2

    Oh, only Nu Skin? Had it been Amway, we'd have beef.

    • Jukesgrrl

      Same diff. Sold using the Amway model and based on phony science. When you're at the place in a pyramid scheme where you're the one happily making money, you do, indeed, appear more relaxed and carefree. So you can in good conscience tell people that Nu Skin makes you look younger.

      • bitchincamaro2

        I was hoping he'd cop to Mary Kay and having sported a pink Caddy around Foggy Bottom, but Nu Skin will do.

    • http://livebythefoma.blogspot.com Pop_Socket

      It's tough to find a MLM scheme scammier that Amway, but NuSkin is it.

  • grendelg

    So he was bribed into being a conservative… Fitting

    • OhNoGuy

      All it took was cuff links – or was it hand cuffs?

  • qwerty42

    Maryland is really keen to get back its old territory — shake things up in … what is Maryland anyway, CT has "nutmeg" (what's that all about?) and NY is "Empire State" …

    • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

      This never works out well – like when NJ sued to get back the Statue of Liberty. Maryland would be better off invading West Virginia – or maybe try to get Delaware or Southern NJ back.

      • PresBeeblebrox

        Hey! Delaware used to be part of Pennsylvania, even if it was part of a 100-year-long court battle between the Penn and Baltimore families resulting in the Mason-Dixon Line.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Maryland is The Old Line State — I guess because people used to ride through it on the train to DC. Connecticut calls itself the Nutmeg State because they imported lots of nutmeg — which I guess makes this great nation the United States of Cocaine, Computers and Cheap Labor.

      • Katydid

        What do we get called for exporting a lot of dicks?

    • Jukesgrrl

      Maryland has crabs.

      C'mon, that was too easy.

    • qwerty42

      the Crabcake State? I think this business of placing DC in Maryland is some weird Republican idea of a way to get around the problems that exist with the existing situation and not increasing the number of Democrats in the Senate. Dropping a huge chunk of folks into a small state would be incredibly disruptive and they know it. DC would get to fight it out with Charm City for influence in the state capital.

      • Terry

        Truth be told, DC would be better off with Maryland than Virginia. Let's review: Macaca. Celebrating the Confederacy. People who openly carry guns into restaurants. Richmond giving all the tax money raised in Nova to the rest of the state. The current governor and attorney general. Oh there's more…

    • zhubajie

      Maryland is the home of Spiro Agnew! Divine, too, I think.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Yes. And of course John Waters.

  • edgydrifter

    Sen. Paul Simon once shook my hand and I immediately turned into a bow tie. It's weird how life works out.

    • Extemporanus

      "I think I scored big with…the edgy drifter."

  • MLite

    Jesus, the dude was totally gay for Reagan. Maybe he'll avail himself of some of our fine city's restroom facilities for sexy time.

  • blinky_twinkie

    Is that Antonin Scalia or an evil Nibelung? I suspect the answer is "Yes."

  • bumfug

    The most vocal anti-gay fuckers always turn out to be more interested in "4 Skin' more than they are "Nu Skin."

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    My platform would be to move DC every year to a different football stadium, like the Superbowl. Congress would only be in session for a week and I would allow concealed and open carry – and (heartilly) encourage duelling to settle arguments. The rest of the Government would be moved to cheaper real estate, like Fresno, Biloxi, and Scranton, PA. The White House would be moved to a Super-8 Motel in Durango, CO.

    Then I'd sell DC to Disney and make it some sort of "Magic Kingdom of Freedom". DC residents would all become Disney "performers".

  • neiltheblaze

    This guy sounds about two steps removed from being an Amway moonie. What the fuck is it with Utah? The heat, or the lack of drinking water?

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    With the magic undies, iffin' ya never takes 'em off ya know they gotta chafe. So if the magic undies Chaffetz, then wear them.

  • Ducksworthy

    Just as Alzheimers was the experience that made Reagan a conservative brain damage from the chemicals a Nu Skin made Chaffetz a conservative (al thought this may have be inevitable given his name.)

  • Gopherit

    Usually, the experiences at the airport that confirm your conservatism occur in a toilet stall.

  • Kitty_Galore

    This is a quintessential American story: A lackey from a multi-level marketing outfit goes to Washington.

    Hope he brings some samples.

  • StonedAgain

    Those cuff links must be a euphemism for something sordid

  • http://littlewanking.blogspot.com/ harry_palmer

    Before Reagan gave him the cufflinks, he was what is considered a liberal in Utah, meaning he supported giving women the right to vote (as long as it wasn't one of his wives).

    • deanbooth

      Fun (?) Fact: Utah was the first state to give women the vote. All the women there were Mormon, and the church wanted to ensure its control of the government.

      • Failure_Artist

        Wyoming was the first state to give women the vote.

        • deanbooth

          Oops, shoulda looked it up (or written something funny, which is never wrong). Utah was close behind.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          Yeah, but at the time there were no women there, and weren't until they instituted the 19th century equivalent of the mail-order Thai and Ukrainian brides agencies.

  • OneYieldRegular

    "Wellllll…" *mumble mumble autograph mumble grrrdangit mumble* [quickly undoes cufflinks and tosses them onto tarmac] "Hey, look over there! Shiny!" [dashes up steps into waiting plane]

    • Toomush_Infer

      Those cufflinks…at first I thought they might be the "Get Smart" variety, but then, I'm pretty sure Reagan just forgot them, like the time he forgot the microphone was on or the time….

  • petehammer

    I have based my career on Greg Kinnear's character in "Little Miss Sunshine."

  • JMPEsq

    OT but by the way, the Paladino thread from noon has just gotten a new troll invading. They've been coming here a lot this past week.

  • Ducksworthy

    DCers Prepare to meet your new Mormon Overlord, You may make obeisance at the Main DC Temple, which is conveniently located in Maryland, which you will soon be citizens of but you can't go in the temple anyway. Because you are impure. The Christmas lights are nice though. And they hide the coming and going of the spaceships.

    • http://wonkette.com/ outragedcitizen

      Surrender Dororthy!

  • GuanoFaucet

    Fucking hell, this Reagan starfucking has to stop. I bet if you dug up Reagan's rotting corpse these idiots would fight over who got to fellate his maggoty cock.

    • GOPCrusher

      He did introduce them to the concept of fiscal responsibility.

    • Not_So_Much

      Let me get this straight — he fell in luv with Ron-Ron as a past president? So, was it the Alzheimers or just general douchebaggery that made his nipples hard?

  • HistoriCat

    I always found it ironic (OK, maybe not ironic but I can't think of the appropriate word) that Maryland donated about 3/4 of the land for Washington, while Virginia, which was about 6 times as large as Maryland, donated 1/4. Cheap bastards.

    • PresBeeblebrox

      Yeah, and Virginia took its 1/4 back so they could continue to ship slaves into Alexandria because slavery was about to be outlawed in the District. Brilliant!

    • Limeylizzie

      Massively OT, but I am in love with that cat avatar.

      • HistoriCat

        I am cat – I transcend your puny human emotions. However, you humans serve as an excellent backup food-source, so I will tolerate you. Now scratch under my chin.

    • Katydid

      How about dickish? Does that work?

  • ChernobylSoup

    There had to be some sort of hiccup in the cosmos when a member of Opus Dei stood that close to a Mormon.

  • mumbly_joe

    Meanwhile, the experience that made me a liberal was growing up as a poor, and realizing whose policies were responsible for the fact that my family and I was able to eat dinner, most days.

    But no, I can totally understand becoming a conservative because you met Reagan once: it bespeaks all the careful consideration of Very Important Issues as my friend who converted to Buddhism because he once met Richard Gere.

    • mumbly_joe

      On the other hand, it *is* true that my childhood diet was typically lacking in the suggested daily value of FREEDOM.

    • http://wonkette.com/ outragedcitizen

      As one of my favorite bumper stickers says: "I tried to see from a conservatives point of view but I can't get my head that far up my butt."

  • Radiotherapy

    He was a proto-nebbish until he got religion with the NuSkin, Reagan, polygamy set.
    And they are all pyramid schemes.

  • Extemporanus

    Not only would Chaffetz be a mall security guard, but his Nu Skin would be black and about three sizes too small.

  • H Curve

    Some silly tart distributing cuff links from the middle of an airport is not a sound basis for a system of governance! Specially one full of tardation, hypocrisy and sexual frustration.

    And keep your 'big government' in your magic undies and stop trying to shove it down the collective throats of DC residents! The fuck. Are all Mormons fascists? Sheesh.

    • doxastic

      He's a Republican because he loves free handouts.

  • Groupshrug

    You know how people who oppose gay rights and gay marriage, often end up (pun intended) being; super gay?

    That's all I'm saying…

  • SarcasticNymph

    I find it encouraging that Scalia looks so constipated and decrepit in that photo, but maybe it's just the finger in his asshole. Push it on out, Nino!

  • PresBeeblebrox

    I guess we'd better cancel that State of New Columbia flag designing contest. There are too many Darkies and DEMON-CRAPS in DC anyway for it to be a state. We're preserving freedumbs by putting an East Coast city in the hands of a Utah Mormon – now that's America.

    • Iam_Who_Iam

      Thanks a lot, I just lost a major chunk of my life which I will never recover, scurrying about at that nasty-ass link, linking from his links, burying myself in the conservatard psychosis.

      And what the hell are they doing quoting Woodrow Wilson? Shouldn't he be disowned by the conservatards for that awful League of Nations business? Wasn't he the grandfather of the One World Order/UN?

      As frequently happens, another Wonkette has lead me through the looking glass. Mad Hatters everywhere.

      • JMPEsq

        The wingnuts might not like Wilson's League of Nations, but he was a major racist, even by the standards of his time, and thought the bill of rights could be safely ignored during wartime, so they love him for that. Except when they use him to say, "Wilson was a racist 90 years ago, and a Democrat, therefore today Democrats are the real racists."

  • doxastic

    While this proves my theory that cufflinks turn you into an insufferable Republican, Democrats need to think about their own swag. All I got were abortion rights and an NPR totebag.

  • doxastic

    Jason Chaffetz thinks DC just needs 3/5th voting rights.

  • Guppy06

    I think that people in Maryland and DC need to get over their petty differences and come together on the issues that really matter to everyone: a burning, unyielding hatred of Virginia.

  • Katydid

    You know who else fucked around with borders?

  • Noonan_

    Funny that he'd be made ranking member – as a Freshman, mind you – of a bunch of stuff he hates? That's what the GOP does! They find the person that least believes in the mission of an agency / organization / post, whatever, and make him the head of that organization.
    Two additional examples that come to mind:
    John "The UN does not exist" Bolton – US ambassador to the U.N.
    Elaine Chao – hates working people – Secretary of Labor

    • neiltheblaze

      …..or anyone ever appointed by Ronald Regan for anything at all.

  • Steverino247

    I once shook hands with Morgan Fairchild in DC and all I wanted to do was fuck her. I ended up just helping her put something in her purse and complimenting her about a great speech she gave in Los Angeles.

    • bitchincamaro2

      Who helps hot milfs shove stuff in their purses without conjugal remunerations? Jus' axin'.

      • Steverino247

        Dude, you gotta act like you been there before!

    • DashboardBuddha

      Morgan Fairchild is my wife…whom I seen naked.

      • http://wonkette.com/ outragedcitizen

        Often wondered, is her Vajayjay as tight as her nostrils?

        • DashboardBuddha

          Tighter even.

  • snoopyfan2010

    Why is it that the same people (in Utah) who want to define marriage by very narrow limits, are also the ones (in Utah) who refuse to enforce bigamy laws? It's either one man and one woman or it isn't.

  • awesome_dude

    Reagan rubbed off on him, and now he's a totes hetero conservative.

  • OhNoGuy

    No, no, no. That's only when you wanna see-seed. Don't you listen to Strom Thurmond???

  • elpinche

    "I'll do the job, but I'm going to hate it and myself !! "

    And why is Cheffetz standing next to drunk Pedo-Yoda?

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    Sure, he's a Rombie (zombie for Ronnie) and a toilet stall pickle smoker, no doubt, but I really don't get all the angst about putting D.C. in Maryland. You get political representation; Maryland gets a justification for its existence. It's a win/win.

  • WALLYPIP

    So, is that Cheffetz with the new Nu Skin motivational speaker?

  • One_who_wanders

    Putting DC in Maryland is a great idea for the Dems. No loss of senators and at least one more Democratic congressperson. And one state that not even Dukakis can lose in presidential election – great strategy, pinhead.

  • SnarkoMarx

    Looks like another goddamn Osmond brother.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    I used to feel bad that DC got the rough end of the stick, in that Taxation without Representation thingy.

    But then in Alaska last summer, the Anchorage Assembly made a huge effort to have non-resident Valley Trash bussed in with red shirts to talk about how giving homo's rights in the workforce was going to give them special rights and that it would give them the key to bus us all into hell.

    Representation without Taxation was a rather mystifying thing to observe.