shall come to thee o chicago

Democracy’s Angry Friend Rahm Emanuel Officially Leaving Tomorrow

So will we have to keep talking about it when it happens?

Sources say Emanuel will be replaced at least temporarily by Pete Rouse, an Obama adviser and veteran Hill staffer.

The Associated Press reports that Emanuel will return to Chicago over the weekend and begin touring neighborhoods on Monday, according to sources familiar with his plans who spoke on condition of anonymity because they did not want to pre-empt Emanuel’s announcement.

“He intends to run for mayor,” one of the people told The Associated Press.

As Rahm would say, “Fuck off, asshole. Enjoy Chicago.” Something like that, probably. (Is he the one who calls people “Jabroni” all the time?) [WP]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. JMPEsq

    Pete Rouse will probably get banned from politics for life after it's discovered he's illegally bet on elections, including even races where he was Campaign Manager.

      1. sharesaypie

        it is not illegal so long as ur in vegas.
        er…mmm. fuck. now where do i go?
        also. must change avatar. can't have kids cussing.
        'specially cute as pie ones.

  2. Mumbletypeg

    Tagged: "shall come to thee O Rahm Emanuel."

    Thanks for wrecking my nostalgia for a perfectly good hymn, Stuef. Now how will I ransom captive lyrics from this reinterpretation, that will interminably interrupt any righteous worshiping endeavors toward Advent season?

  3. BaldarTFlagass

    Well, in the last 55 years, the Chicago Mayoralty has seen 3 black guys, a woman, some kind of Balkan dude, and 2 Daleys. Maybe the time has come for a mean Jewish guy.

    1. 7pilesofwisdom

      There was Mayor Washington, who was larger than life, but maybe not 3 times larger, and Eugene Sawyer served out Washington's last term — but I can't think of another black Chicago mayor (David Orr is a white guy from Rogers Park). If a Serbian can become governor (and we all know how well that worked out), perhaps Chicago is ready for a Jewish mayor. My hunch is that the black community and Eastern European communities might be a tad reluctant to jump on board — and that unlikely alliance constitutes a Chicago Democratic majority.

  4. SayItWithWookies

    Glenn Beck is clearly losing his mojo — as far as I know, he's never denounced this Pete Rouse fellow as a communist, a terrorist or the architect behind the nefarious leftist takeover of all our freedoms. And another chance to show the world what a prophet he is slips through his fingers.

  5. nounverb911

    Rahm will do fine as Mayor (provided he finds a place to live), just as long he remembers to plow the streets after the next blizzard, and doesn't appoint Steve Bartman the next Parks Commissioner.

  6. SudsMcKenzie

    It's 1206 miles to Chicago, we have a plane with a half tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and I'm rockin 9 fingers. …. Hit It

  7. x111e7thst

    "Emanuel will return to Chicago over the weekend and begin touring neighborhoods on Monday"

    So just don't make him stab someone in the eye with his penis!

  8. housbinfarteen

    Rahm as mayor of Chicago, "Big Bill" Thompson will be jealous.

    However, I will miss the mean little shit.

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