in the year 2000

‘This Is an iPhone,’ Jim Lehrer Announces


Jim Lehrer is going to live FOREVER. Please, Internet, make an animated GIF of him shaking that iPhone.

These people are literally the future. The NewsHour is so on top of this technology thing! Pretty soon, Robert MacNeil is going to come back on that show as a cyborg anchor. Just look at Mark Shields’ face. That face isn’t looking at the camera. It’s looking at tomorrow.

Hi, I'm Mark Shields, and I like to pretend I know what to do with this thing.

What is it people can do with a NewsHour mobile app? Save PBS from obscurity when all its viewers die, very soon?

Hi, I'm Jim Lehrer, and I like to watch video of my newscasts on this when I'm having sex.

Sponsored Video

Yes. [YouTube]

UPDATE: Thanks Wonkette operative “Thom C.!”:

This will play on the video screen on his gravestone.

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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124 comments

  1. JMPEsq

    This is a comment, to a post on a blog, which is a form of a webpage, on the internet, which is accessed with computers.

    1. axmxz

      Computers are electronic calculating machines. They are connected through radio waves by internet. Internet lives in dark caves, where it is fed and groomed by bearded cavemen in sweaters.

      1. LionelHutzEsq

        Untrue. Computers are connected by a series of tubes to the internet. How do you think I send the pennies to pay my intenet bill? You can't send pennies via radio waves.

      2. Preferred Customer

        Actually, the Internet is groomed by obsessive, wealthy middle-aged women, who pay a pretty penny for the privilege.

      3. Naked_Bunny

        "Computers" used to be people who performed calculations manually. Imagine how long it would take to download your porn if that were still true.

        1. V572625694

          It would be sort of like the game "Battleship." Cell A1 is white. Cell A2 is white Cell A3 is off-white, cell A4 is taupe…. etc

      4. transfatz

        I always suspected that Lascauxcaveman is the internet overlord. But why doesn't he just give himself infinity P-points?

    2. twoeightnine

      This is a reply to a comment, to a post on a blog, which is a form of a webpage, on the internet, which is accessed with computers.

    1. HELisforHEL

      I like him, but he has big dead cow eyes. Am I the only one that noticed that? BIG.DEAD.COW EYES.

      I do wish someone would mention to David Brooks that with his salary he could get those nasty-ass teeth of his fixed. Or he could simply go away, which would make me even happier.

        1. DoktorZoom

          And, you know, the thing about Lehrer… he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, doesn't seem to be living… until he bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then… ah then you hear that terrible high-pitched screamin'.

  2. GeneralLerong

    Who are those guys?

    haha, just kidding. I recognize two outta three. Unless the middle doucher isn't named Brooks.

  3. osamabindrinkin

    I gotta confess: am 29, a raving lefto, and a huge fan of Newshour. Especially the Brooks & Shields part. I'm probably the only one under 100… can't figure out why

    1. hooray4anything

      Maybe it's because they're the only news show that brings a bunch of experts onto the program and let's them have long, lengthy, and highly informative debates without anybody shouting or regurgitating talking points. Also totally boring which is why nobody else does it.

      1. LionelHutzEsq

        Can it really be news if you don't have someone shouting "Socialist" every time the President is mentioned?

        I think not.

        1. hooray4anything

          Oh, there probably is some people shouting "Socialist" on the show but then they'd air a fifteen minute discussion on the differences between socialism, communism and fascism and then break it down how Socialism can also mean such awful countries as Sweden and Denmark and that it's awfully hard to be a Socialist country when everything is run by multi-national corporations. Unfortunately, at this time, everyone will have flipped over to Hannity.

    2. Weenus299

      It's because everybody who is 100 is actually 29 and they want their Fox Hate Nooz to go with their Tonka trucks and recalled Fisher Price lead-filled toys.

      1. HELisforHEL

        That's pretty cool!
        I do like 'Antiques Roadshow', but it's dangerous–it convinces my Mom that her craptastic collection of clinking, clanking, clattering kaligenous junk is worth millions of sheckels.

      2. Limeylizzie

        That is cool SmutBoffin…how will we know which one is you? I have wanted to acknowledge your use of one of my fave Brit WW2 words for some time ,so consider it done now.

    3. Bonzos_Bed_Time

      Before I started breeding, the Newshour was must see TV in Bonzo's house. Now it's shower-time for the little Bonzos before their bedtime… such is life.

      The only part I would turn off/walk away from was when they had congress members come in and tell their lies. Dirty filthy lies.

    4. boatapple

      I still call it "The MacNeil-Lehrer Report," and I'm not even officially an Old yet. I wonder what that means.

        1. Mumbletypeg

          Myself, I could never trust my hearing during those broadcasts: was he "Robin" or "Robert" MacNeil? In print I'd read Robert but then there was Jim again calling him Robin.

        2. bakenekoX

          Me too, but I actually remember back in the days before the internet reading in some magazine or newspaper (they were printed on paper) an op/ed piece that described the bulk of the M-LNH regulars like George Will as "Young Farts".

          I also seem to recall the world actually being in color at that time, but I could be wrong, as I am also old enough to recall watching Rin Tin Tin, and Superman before George Reeves either suicided or was murdered by 'da Mob.

      1. jus_wonderin

        I think it means you have a deep and abiding love for MacNeil and you can't let him go. But you must. You must go forward to live your life free of the weight that is the omission of MacNeil, leaving only Lehrer. The future is bright. Do not look back. Open your mind and heart to the possibilities and throw off that yoke and burden.

        Live! Live!! Live, I implore you.

      2. smokefilledroommate

        I do too. When I was really young, PBS was on more often than not. I think I became aware of the MacNeil-Lehrer Report roughly around the same time I learned the theme song to Gilligan's Island from reruns.

    5. drlurve

      Absolutely not. I'm right there with you. I find that my 5-6 nightly cocktails that my 31-year old ass consumes to alleviate the crushing depression of being in my early 30s in this economy just isn't the same without a little News Hour on the boob tube. Also, I would like to get in the hot tub (not in a sexual way) with the News Hour cast and do a few rails of blow and see what ol' Gwen and Ray REALLY have to say. Also.


    6. Post author
      Jack Stuef

      I watched it every day in high school. I was even a member of their silly "teen message board" thing. But then they re-recorded their theme music, lamely, and now Jim Leher is dead to me.

      1. osamabindrinkin

        Haha, holy crap, you were on their TEEN MESSAGE BOARD? Now this post fully makes sense. Exorcising some old shame are we here, Stuef?
        It's fine. Go ahead, work through all your issues on wonkette. Just like Carpentier did.

  4. BaldarTFlagass

    Fox News reported to its audience about these gizmos a couple years ago and look where that got us.

  5. JMPEsq

    Be fair, not all of PBS' core audience will die very soon, some probably won't for a very long time. Of course, since that portion hasn't learned to read or even speak full sentences yet they're probably not watching Lehrer; and none of PBS' audience can properly control their bladders or bowels, nor feed themselves without assistance.

  6. Monsieur_Grumpe

    True Story!
    I met Dave Brooks at the Republican National Convention. He had bellied to the bar where I was having a beer. Once I figured out who he was I had my picture taken with him and he didn't try to grab my ass. Nice guy.

    1. Weenus299

      He always reminds me of Beaver's dad. Or a generic 1960s father figure from television land. Can't you see him smoking a pipe, telling his son how to operate a lemonade stand?

      1. Monsieur_Grumpe

        Freak watching and drinking beer. I live near where it was being held in St Paul so I biked over to avoid the traffic. When I saw a smashed cop car from the protesters I got out of there. Good times.

        1. Limeylizzie

          Oh thank God, I thought you were going to 'fess up to being Michele Bachman or something. No telling who we really are here on Wonkette

  7. WarAndGee

    Margret Warner in Judy Woodruff's palm sends a tingle. (Yes I watched that fuckin' thing all the way to the end.)

  8. Extemporanus

    "I'm Judy Woodruff, and I'm glad my old rotary phone made it so much easier to fit my iPhone in my vagina."

  9. Jamie_Sommers

    Why let Shields hold the phone when he clearly hasn't mastered the art of looking into the right camera yet? Brooks'll have to change his diaper now.

  10. fuflans

    jeffrey brown, hollywood reporter, to sting, aging activist singer-songwriter:

    "i have just one question for you: why?"

    this works on so many levels.

  11. Nigel

    Jim's favorite app was the one that let him communicate with the soul of Robert MacNeil, but then he found out that his old colleague was in fact still alive. I believe the app was called "email."

  12. JackDempsey1

    If you send in the yearly membership amount of $29.95, Mr. Lehrer will come to your house and gently shake all your hand-held appliances.

    1. smokefilledroommate

      It's going to be Truly Outrageous! Andy will start his show by grabbing his ear and saying, "Showtime, Synergy!"

  13. deanbooth

    Judy Woodruff gets the award for best news anchor gaffe ever: "A terrorist befriended an American today… Oh, excuse me, A terrorist beheaded…"

    True story.

  14. bokononista

    I'm not one for following trends, but you know, these folks really put this whole iPhone into perspective: I could probably find an app to remind me to take my daily prescriptions.

  15. cymchikster

    Hey! Listen, I know I'm having a torrid love affair with Wonkette while in a comfortable, if a tad boring, marriage with the Newshour.

    But let's get something straight. I can make fun of the Newshour, but you can't. Get it? Thank you. I'll be over as soon as I take a shower. Does Chinese take-out sound good for dinner tonight?

  16. StonedAgain

    Eck!!!! Stilted eggheads. I love the show though. Promos are not their strong suit. They most likely had a Easter Island intern pull this thing off.

  17. An_Outhouse

    Does the News Hour App give your IPhone a rotary dial? Cause if it did , it might be worth it to own one. Those rotary dials always work when the power goes out – which it will be when the apocalypse happens.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Bipartisanship! I'd like to see somebody try to tell me *now* that this is not the Greatest Deliberative Body on Earth!

  18. mrblifil

    It's great to get the News Hour on my iPhone. Problem is I have been through about 7 iPhones since the app was released, because every time I encounter David Brooks on my fancy Retina display I get an uncontrollable urge to throw the motherfucking thing on the pavement, drop trou and cybernetically simulate the experience of peeing into his mouth. When I take it into the Genius Bar later, they look at me a little funny, but once I explain what I'm up to, they get that "lightbulb on" look on their faces and they hook me up real good.

  19. Beanball

    I truly dislike Gwen Ifill. When she pops up on the screen, I turn down the volume. She giggles, and can't be bothered to ask follow-up questions. Also, she uses the most crappy of all the Windows XP desktop backgrounds.

    Brooks, on the other hand, is a laff riot.

  20. transfatz

    Transfatz smashes the monitor down onto his desk.
    Lifts the monitor to his ear.
    "Hello Wonkette?"
    Nothing.
    Smashes the monitor down again.

  21. Weenus299

    "This is my iPhone! There are many like it, but this one's mine! Without my iPhone I am nothing. Without me, my iPhone is nothing! …"

Comments are closed.