UMMWow. Congressional-page connoisseur Mark Foley is on Twitter. Is he legally allowed to do that? Who knows, but it turns out Foley has been on Twitter since March. He only has 181 followers right now, despite being rather infamous. When he joined, did he have to alert his new Twitter neighbors he’s gotten in trouble with the law before for messaging underage boys on the Internet? That joke is actually a legitimate question, because Mark Foley is “following” a half-naked 15-year-old boy on Twitter right now. We are completely serious.

How would you like to work in the halls and secret basement rooms of Congress, young fella? IM ME.
Leave this kid alone, gays. THAT MEANS YOU, FOLEY.

Et tu, shirtless 15-year-old boy?
That’s funny, because Mark Foley LOVES the Jonases! Opposites do attract.

'Spinylobstr' was actually Mark's old AIM account.
Oh look, another shirtless guy on Foley’s Twitter. Weird how they just pop up like that.

HEY! OVER THERE! You guys have AIM?
Life’s simple pleasure: staring at teenage boys fishing from a distance and taking photos of them, especially when one of them is shirtless. (This isn’t actually water they’re fishing in, it’s Mark Foley’s drool.)

'I'm, umm, here to support the Kiwanis.'
Also a pleasure: gay bois in full metallic body paint paddling in your drool.

He's on top of the world. Always on top. Always on top.
Hey hey! Almost like a real politician!

While you’re in a gay mecca like New York, you may as well spend a tremendous night with at least one aging gay pop star.

Gay-friendly please.
And now it’s time for a grand tour of pure Mark Foley pathos! This is his job now, we guess.

Foley's into dog stuff too?
Here are the only friends he has left.

'Communicate by IM, not angry voicemails, you guys! It's the future!'
Ah, memories…

Candle party / we'll see where things lead...
Oh, that wasn’t sad enough for you? Mark Foley also has a candle business to help make ends meet. We dare you to call him and have him make custom hand towels for you, sarcastic nymphs.

Twitter hustlin'!
Jesus Christ this is just depressing.

But especially people who ask pages about their masturbation habits on AIM.
And, finally, acknowledgement.

But don’t worry, pages. Mark Foley will be back in Congress very soon. [Twitter]

Donate with CCDonate with CC
Previous articleMeg Whitman’s Illegal Mexican Housekeeper Was Illegal, Mexican
Next articleMike Castle Won’t Run as a Write-In, Christine O’Donnell Still Won’t Win