Mark Foley Joins His Pal Justin Bieber On Twitter

  oh boy

UMMWow. Congressional-page connoisseur Mark Foley is on Twitter. Is he legally allowed to do that? Who knows, but it turns out Foley has been on Twitter since March. He only has 181 followers right now, despite being rather infamous. When he joined, did he have to alert his new Twitter neighbors he’s gotten in trouble with the law before for messaging underage boys on the Internet? That joke is actually a legitimate question, because Mark Foley is “following” a half-naked 15-year-old boy on Twitter right now. We are completely serious.

How would you like to work in the halls and secret basement rooms of Congress, young fella? IM ME.
Leave this kid alone, gays. THAT MEANS YOU, FOLEY.

Et tu, shirtless 15-year-old boy?
That’s funny, because Mark Foley LOVES the Jonases! Opposites do attract.

'Spinylobstr' was actually Mark's old AIM account.
Oh look, another shirtless guy on Foley’s Twitter. Weird how they just pop up like that.

HEY! OVER THERE! You guys have AIM?
Life’s simple pleasure: staring at teenage boys fishing from a distance and taking photos of them, especially when one of them is shirtless. (This isn’t actually water they’re fishing in, it’s Mark Foley’s drool.)

'I'm, umm, here to support the Kiwanis.'
Also a pleasure: gay bois in full metallic body paint paddling in your drool.

He's on top of the world. Always on top. Always on top.
Hey hey! Almost like a real politician!

TOO OLD. MOAR 15 YEAR OLD.
While you’re in a gay mecca like New York, you may as well spend a tremendous night with at least one aging gay pop star.

Gay-friendly please.
And now it’s time for a grand tour of pure Mark Foley pathos! This is his job now, we guess.

Foley's into dog stuff too?
Here are the only friends he has left.

'Communicate by IM, not angry voicemails, you guys! It's the future!'
Ah, memories…

Candle party / we'll see where things lead...
Oh, that wasn’t sad enough for you? Mark Foley also has a candle business to help make ends meet. We dare you to call him and have him make custom hand towels for you, sarcastic nymphs.

Twitter hustlin'!
Jesus Christ this is just depressing.

But especially people who ask pages about their masturbation habits on AIM.
And, finally, acknowledgement.

DON'T CALL IT A 'COME BACK'
But don’t worry, pages. Mark Foley will be back in Congress very soon. [Twitter]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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70 comments

  1. Crank_Tango

    I just woke up from a nap, but I would like to insert a joke about Mr. Foley and the Dicksy highway. Something about whistling dicksy perhaps?

  2. elviouslyqueer

    WTF!!!!! im getting so many damn gay folowers. AHHH..

    Dude, you're shirtless, pouty, stupid, and wearing fucking eyeliner. If Helen Keller were gay, she'd be following you.

    Also, Foley's pooches are pretty cute. But that still doesn't mean I'd read any more of his twats.

  3. indecencycmdr

    yeah, why is that kid getting followed by gay guys? guy guys don't usually go for sarcastic nymphs, I mean buff shirtless teens w/ earrings.

  4. Delicious_2

    I checked Mark Foley's followers and that "15-year-old boy" is one of them. He doesn't look like your typical teen from Bangalore, India (his supposed location). But who knows. We can all dream!. Another Foley follower is @BigSpankinDaddy. He says he is "Following and hoping to spank some of the worlds most spankable MEN."

  5. StrangelyBrown

    I can't believe you went through @shark_slys's tweets and you didn't post the mother of them all:

    @shark_slys well MY HAMSTER IS DEAD!!!! :*( :*( :*(
    2:58 PM Aug 5th, 2009 via Echofon

    This is probably the search term that got Mark there in the first place.

  6. Monsieur_Grumpe

    This must be the gayest Wonkette posting ever. Well done Jack. Well done.
    I expect an equal amount of boobies to keep things balanced.

    1. SudsMcKenzie

      If you scroll through that post really quickly its like an alternate gay ending to 2001 Space Odyssey.

  7. PsycWench

    Does one have an avatar on Twitter? If so, Mark Foley's should be Pedobear, because of truth in advertising.

    1. Crank_Tango

      i'm sure he was just dressing for the concert–he probably wears full leathers down at bike week too…

  8. emmelemm

    I'm struck dumb by the pouty, shirtless, overly muscled 15 year old boy complaining about his gay followers.

  9. BrentKockman

    remember when he asked that little boy if he "spurted" into a towel? he was just doing market research!

  10. barkingspiders

    He hasn't sunk low enough for me to be interested in him again. Someone should gift him a wet suit and some dildos.

    1. GuanoFaucet

      I'm thinking a couple of leather-clad, ball-gagged sex slaves housed underneath his newly-purchased commercial center who send him naughty missives every other minute. The egg obviously represents the ball gags.

  11. seppdecker

    No mention of a Dancing With the Stars audition? That could be just the shot-in-the-arm his candle/ fancy hand towel business needs.

  12. chascates

    So we've become the Thailand of the developed world. Ideally, the hidden hand of commerce would confine this to a common chat room but our social networking is now our destiny.

    Besides being the world's granary we can provide it vapid addled celebutants and right-wing Oscar Wildes. Either that wallpaper goes or Charlie Crist does.

  13. Rambone

    Perhaps Mr. Foley can start a consultation business advising recently outed GOP members on enjoying their newfound gheyness? It seems like a growth market.

    1. outragedcitizen

      Miller and his teabagger butties, sorry, buddies, have no problem with government entitlements that benefit themselves. It is when those entitlements are going to someone else that they see creeping socialism.

  14. Manhattan123

    Did he actually thank 30 Rock for a "shout out"? It was last week's episode when Jack Donaghy (Alec Baldwin) bragged to Liz that he is considered a catch in the gay community:

    Jack: "Have you ever seen my eyes, Lemon?"
    ‚ÄčLiz: "Yep. They're very blue, like a Mykonos sky."
    Jack: "Mark Foley once called them 'piercing.'"

    Quite a shout-out.

  15. Oblios_Cap

    I wish we could comment . I go away for a day and now it' s become NRO's "The Corner" sister site.

    You damn Monster Nymphs!

  16. BaldarTFlagass

    At this point, I figured this Foley guy would be spending all his spare time online looking at teen dick-pix over on Chatroulette.

    1. One_who_wanders

      Give him time if he just discovered Twitter in March it should take him another couple of months to find Chatroulette, then watch out.

  17. Sgt_Biyatch

    The sad thing about the UN picture is that he waited until after the event and then asked a friend to snap the picture quickly. Poor Foley.

  18. DashboardBuddha

    "He was tremendous tonight" – Well sure…with enough meth and viagra, anyone can be tremendous.

  19. simplyblue7

    I remember being 15 and having my congressman at the tip of my finger (literally, hahaha).

    I was with a sarcastic nymph once. told her to just fake it at least.

  20. Sgt_Biyatch

    I'm imagining Foley in his basement having make believe House committee hearings with his two dogs, Mr. Fritters and Tummysticks, wearing bow ties and a flag pin.

  21. populucious

    Does Foley realize that when you write things upon the Inter-tubes, it can actually be SEEN by other people?

Comments are closed.