This may come as a surprise if you were unaware that white people can get pregnant from black people and vice versa, but Barack Obama is distantly related to various people … some of them the very people who do not like Barack Obama being in politics! A couple of years ago, there was some Big News from a website that sells memberships to people who would like to obsess over their ancestors (instead of actually being alive now, which is both hard and boring). Dick Cheney was related to Barack Obama, distantly! “Oh yeah ’cause Dick Cheney owns so many black slaves,” most people thought, but no, the truth was/is that Obama’s mom was a white lady and apparently Dick Cheney is also descended from white ladies, but anally. SCANDAL. And now this Internet company is asking us to not announce until October 13 that Barack Obama is also related to some other wingnuts who hate him.
Eh, stop sending “embargoed press releases.” How about send the email when you are ready to send the email. What is this, 1986? Are you putting the emails in manila envelopes and then dropping them in a scuffed-up plastic USPS basket, which is then put on a cart by the slow guy and taken to the elevators and down to the mail room?
SO: Barack Obama is related to Sarah Palin and Newt Gingrich, the end.
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Ah, so that makes them not racist! Done and done.
Thank god! For a minute there…
Ken, I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
And you're pregnant?
Can't wait for that family picnic.
"apparently Dick Cheney is also descended from white ladies, but anally. " And that kids, is the monster who lives under your bed. The End.
I believe Obama's witch-doctor is married to Christine O'Donnell's warlock boyfriend.
Except her "boyfriend" runs on 220 volts from the dedicated outlet next to her bed.
I imagine the scenario is simpler. She straddles her cell and then calls herself from the landline (hoping, of course, she is unavailable).
Thumbs up. Only it's 240 volts these days. More power to her.
"boyfriend" = sawzall. also.
The only way this could possibly be interesting is if Obama and Jerome Corsi share the same Kenyan father.
I don't mean to suggest anything, but isn't EVERYONE in the intermountain Mormon states related to each other?
Jim DeMint will be gobsmacked. As will Michele Malkin.
Unless it somehow qualifies me to have some of their money, I could not give a rat's ass if I am related to Steve Jobs and Warren Buffet because we share the same great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandpappy, somewhere in a cave in central France. This shit is absolutely stupid as hell.
There's no reason anyone would give a shit about this, but when you have a website about completely irrelevant stupid shit that no rational people care about, you've gotta find some way to shill it.
Embargoed? What does that even mean in this context? It clearly isn't if it is being sent. Do they know the Jesus email guy? Maybe they can get together and discuss logic and rational thought.
Yeah. How do you pre-emptively embargo a news story? That's like demanding to be off the record after the interview.
Or giving an "exclusive" after you have issued a release. Sort of random word use. Maybe they did mean exclusive? I cannot figure out what the hell else it could be.
Oh no, Alex Jones is going to yell shit into a bully horn (again) over this. Or whatever.
He hasn't picked up yet but just found this gem on his site:
Alex Jones: “Stay in your house”
Alex Jones says that every citizen in America is at risk to be monitored by Homeland Security for being an antiwar activist or material support of terrorism.
Yeah, like Dick Cheney is descended from actual humans. Somewhere a hyena and Satan are having a good laugh.
Does that mean that Obama's birth certificate is related to Dick Cheney's anus?
They both have a long formThis is not a comment.
Oh yes, I almost forgot. Because we don't have comments here at Wonkette.
Oh, no. You're not going to get me to visit "2 Girls, 1 Cup" again.
Embargoed Release sounds soooooo nasty
Ooohh, I love playing "Six Degrees of Kenyan Bacon"!*
Try this one: Pam Geller
*("Kenyan Bacon: It's the other dark meat!")
It would be hot if Michelle and Carla Bruni are cousins. It would make their love forbidden- the hottest kind of love.
America's Values-Voting science-rejecters will never believe these embargoed lies, because they already know that humans cannot be descended from monkeys. Or Kenyans.
Hey, October is 13th is the day Our Lady of Fatima promised a miracle would occur. Does this mean Barack Obama is actually Ronald Reagan's son!!?!?!!?!
Or is the black branch of the Bush family.
zomg! Obama AND Osama AND Oprah are descended from Jebus?
Barack Obama is related to Sarah Palin and Newt Gingrich, the end.
Oh, this is bad — now that they're forbidden fruit, the lust these two have for each other will only increase. America can only hope that Newt's promise never to fuck anyone more than half his age will keep this terrifying coupling from becoming a reality.
So how many of you Wonkettes are related to me? None, I was dropped off at Area 51 by a UFO and had to walk across that trashy-assed Desert to Las Vegas and hit the Jackpot at Binion's to get enough money to buy a meal and a computer. Next stop, Salt Lake City to get in the Morman Cave records and find out if I'm related to Super Man. See y'all soon.
You too!? Hi cuz!
So, Dick Cheney is technically and actually a turd. And this is news?
I'm related to Obama the same way that Cheney and Buffett are, through a secret Pagan Jewsish cabal.
Actually, we're all related to some dude named Mareen Duvall. A gay frenchie who came to the United States in 1625 and then had a billion children. This is only interesting because my super racist grandfather is very proud of his Duvall heritage and keeps saying that Obama can't really be a Duvall because he's a N…ortherner. That's exactly how he says it. "That man is a damn N…ortherner."
So, hooray Grandpa for being less racist out loud.
More interesting than Mareen Duvall is the chick he married. Can't remember her name but her family came to the US claiming to be the bastard grandchildren of Henry the 8th. They had some fake royal coat of arms so everyone believed them and gave them a ton of land. So, I had to explain to my third grade class how my distant relations were grifter con-men.
Some joke about long form birth certificates can go here but I'm too tired to make it.
Palin must have fallen off the branch of the family tree that gave Hopey his intelligence.
As long as he's not related to that punk ass loser James (www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com so fucking sue me) O'Keefe, I'm not too worried. All white people are descended from Charlemagne. That's just the way it is.
Don't forget the 16 million + descendants of Genghis Khan!
You can pick your friends but not your family. I don't like some of my relatives either…but the vicious HATE some of these people spew at Obama is over the top.
Does this mean Newt Gingrich and Dinesh D'Souza are also Kenyan anti-colonialists?
Wait, no, "top". Those two are obviously both bottoms.
Big deal. Everybody's related to everybody else, anyway. Do something fun, like prove Obama's ancestors owned Cheney's ancestors. Black folks did own slaves on occasion (in Louisianan, eg), and Cromwell did sell around 40, 000 Irishmen into slavery. For that matter, Barbary corsairs did slave raiding in Britain and Ireland.
AND THAT'S HOW I BECAME MY OWN GRANDPA
Obama. Ancestry you can refudiate.
What the fuck is "neck-in-neck"?
Who doesn't have a retarded cousin somewhere?
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