Noted Shark-Lover Harry Reid Spars With Shark Victim Tom Coburn

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The Shark lobby.If there’s one story that distills our current politics it’s this one. Everything comes down to this: Democrats like Harry Reid like sharks because they get all their money from Hollywood liberal sharks like that one that starred in Jaws, but Republicans like Tom Coburn were bitten by sharks when they were kids and thus hate them. So Reid and Coburn got a little testy today over legislation that deals with stopping the harvesting of shark fins. Reid thought everyone wanted to protect sharks, but Coburn says Reid is in the pocket of special interests, which in this case is apparently “Big Shark.”

“Because of a loophole in the existing law, animals are still caught, their fins are severed and the dismembered shark is thrown back in the ocean to die,” said Reid. “But they don’t die. They suffer a horrible and protracted death. All that cruelty for a bowl of soup.”

Hmm, how does one suffer a horrible and protracted death without dying? Must be some sort of evil socialist benefit Demrats will only give to MAN-EATING SHARK TERRORISTS, not humans. Typical.

When Coburn asked Wednesday to be recognized on the Senate floor — a routine request — Reid objected, leaving Coburn momentarily speechless. […]

“The problems that are facing this country are so big and so massive that our attention ought to be focused on those large problems, not on five separate bills that have been proffered for special interest groups.”

But are our problems as big as A HUGE PACK OF SHARKS THAT WILL EAT US IF WE DON’T PASS THEIR BILL? Sometimes you just have to give into the special interest, Tom. [The Hill]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  • DashboardBuddha

    Coburn is gonna need a bigger boat.

  • Lucidamente1

    "All that cruelty for a bowl of soup." Cruelty's what makes it taste so good, ya pinko.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I made a deee-licious Osso Buco last night.

      • drrty_martini

        You and your recipes! I have Brussels sprouts pickling on the kitchen counter. Show me the Osso Buco!!

        Oh…and Harry Reid sucks balls. Tom Coburn is boring because I can't think of anything in his name that rhymes with "assfucking".

    • SexySmurf

      Try adding some veal and clubbed baby-seal. MMM…MMM…cruel.

  • natoslug

    It may not be an issue yet, but undead sharks are going to be a big fucking problem if we don't deal with them soon. Obviously Coburn isn't from a coastal state at risk of zombie shark infestation as the oceans rise and the populations grow. If he claims global climate change is a myth, he's obviously in the pocket if Big Zombie Shark, as opposed to the rest of us, who will be in the belly. Tom Coburn hates (coastal) America!

  • JMPEsq

    I'm surprised; it's traditionally been the Republicans who've tried to protect the interests of the payday lending industry, or big loan shark.

    • charlesdegoal

      You're confusing loan sharks with pool sharks. Think Paul Newman with broken thumbs.

  • Extemporanus

    That's some bad spat, Harry.

  • Radiotherapy

    Do "Great Whites" masturbate?

  • Steverino247

    Shark Week is over, guys. Find something else to get excited about. Like stopping the exodus of jobs, perhaps?

    Edit: I'm talking about the Senators, not us. We can get excited about sharks all we want.

  • CapnFatback

    I understand they released footage of Coburn's eventual speech on the Senate floor.

  • BornInATrailer

    Campbell's… Shark Fin… Possibilities…

  • WarAndGee

    Yes Harry, please. Just one bill at a time, for one special interest, the corporate elite.

  • Troubledog

    This must be one of the urgent issues that got hotlined before Boehner's Deadline of Legislative Death.

  • hooray4anything

    But where do they stand on Sharktopusses?

  • chascates

    Jumping the GOP

  • el_donaldo

    Sharks emerging from the seas and influencing senators to legislate for their interests? Well, I for one bow down … our shark overlords … yadda yadda.

    I felt it had to be said; I just didn't want to be the one that said it .

  • ttommyunger

    We are so fucked.

    • DustBowlBlues

      YOU'RE fucked? What if you lived in fucking OK and knew your neighbors vote for dickwad douchebags like Spooky Doktor Tom?

      • ttommyunger

        Do not go there with me, Dusty. You know not whom you fucketh; I live (since 1971) in Marietta, Cobb County, Georgia. Do the names Phil Gingrey, Saxby Chambliss, Sonny Perdue, Johnny Isaakson ring a bell? These Rightards are currently “serving”. Going back a few years we have Bob Barr, Newt Gingrich, Zell Miller, Larry MacDonald, and last but least Lester “Axe Handle” Maddox. Your puny Oklahoma Fucktards are baby shit here in Dumbfukistan; so, I've got THAT going for me…

  • Spenceredux

    275,000 sharks a day are killed, mostly for soup. So, just sayin'.

  • imissopus

    Coburn objected that they were gifts to special interest groups that would widen the deficit.

    Is there any bill any Dem could bring to the floor that Coburn wouldn't claim was a giveaway to a special interest and would widen the deficit?

    • charlesdegoal

      Mind you, those sharks could take a big bite out of the budget.

  • SexySmurf

    The Democrats only care because it's a widely known fact that all sharks are gay Mexican Muslins.

    • Not_So_Much

      I thought the hole in the back of them was from cutting off the fin. But now I get it — it's a 'gay thing'.

  • legalize everything

    Tom Coburn does not have time to waste on your pissant little bill. He wants to see legislation on all the massive problems facing this country…so he can filibuster against it.

  • bumfug

    If the sharks would only give themselves to Jesus and turn the other fin…

  • DustBowlBlues

    Thank Jesus and the wonket. I have my old screen back. I feel like I should say something about Spooky Doktor Tom, but I extracted honey for the first time today and a brave little warrior rode the frame I was about to extract into the garage, hung on through multiple spinnings of the fucking hand crank machine and lived to sting me right on the end of my obscene gesture finger before she died. On one hand, I have to respect her. On the other, my finger is fucking swollen and throbs.

    So anyway, FUCK Spooky Doktor Tom Koburn and his attention grabbing antics.

  • DustBowlBlues

    Can anyone truly hate Spooky Doktor Tom the way we not-brainless okies do?

  • 7pilesofwisdom

    Coburn better hide from Rahm, who is going to run for mayor of Sharkago.

  • CalamityJames