As you learned in civics class, Jesus is the most important branch of the U.S. federal government. And so your afternoon editor wrote a couple of posts about That Dude yesterday and thought nothing of it. But according to a sternly written e-mail from Christ’s publicist, who writes in a tongue that is not correct English, your afternoon editor has LIBELED Jesus and should probably be sent to jail. How does this person know the Most High (not talking about pot) is offended? Well, Jesus came to this person’s “work place” and told him so. So there.
From: kjv[redacted]@live.com
Date: Wed, Sept 29, 2010 2:47 AM
Subject: Jack Stuef
To: jack@wonkette.comjack@wonkette.com
What’s with all the disrespect towards Jesus Christ? Why, are you using Him as you want.
I was at my work place at noon, the middle of the day, God is not ashamed or not taking your abuse litely.
When the heavens opened like a curtain and I seen Jesus Christ, seated as six others gathered around HIM,
THE GLORY OF GOD ALL AROUND THEM, they were dressed in white gowns, they smiled and the heavens closed.
I tell you, all of you that are flipant about Jesus Christ at wonkette do me a favor show this letter to the rest of your presumpteous, arrogant,
monsters, have a laugh at this letter. Sarcastic, nymphs.
No wonder, wonkette does not allow comments. If you get down your soapbox, you might hear the Truth, and I don’t care about politics,
it’s your wicked abuse of someones name without regard to its value, that I’m bringing to your attention, even if it is in vain I had hoped
that you might have a conscious. You’re keeping your boss and you happy with your 30 pieces of silver, what a way to earn a living.
Who were these mysterious six others gathered round? The Power Rangers and Dean Martin? Did they do a dance number before they went back in the clouds?
Also, your afternoon editor gets paid much less than 30 pieces of silver. How is he supposed to get these pieces of silver? Should he go on strike until Ken increases his rate to 30 pure silver Ron Paul coins a month?
Your afternoon editor has done this man a favor by sharing his letter. Now please, ye dear sarcastic nymphs, repent in the comments (that Wonkette doesn’t allow) if you are “flipant about Jesus Christ.” Only then will you be saved from a lawsuit for misuse of the Jesus.
{ 210 comments }
Jesus Tapdancing Christ, I hope this guy realizes how hard it is to get 30 pieces of silver in this economy!
Besides which, everyone with any business sense knows that you should only accept compensation in Goldline antique medallions, the only legal tender after the inevitable economic collapse.
DOWN WITH BIMETALLISM. Also, too.
I'd settle for 30 p-points.
Jeez, When I thumbs upped you it incremented to 13! EEEEEEKKKK!!!1!1! Maybe the big guy is getting pissed at us. In other news it is the first time most of us have been referred to as nymphs, is that supposed to be an insult? Maybe he meant nympho and just got lost along the way?
Sarcastic, nymphs.
Isn't there a vending machine for that now?
Haha. You sarcastic nymph, you.
For used panties? Yes, in Japan.
As far as I know, none yet for Jesus coins, sarcastics, nymphs, or hallucinogenic shroom Hot Pockets.
The Heavens closed? Goddammit, now I gotta wait till tomorrow, fuck.
hey, hey, HEY…watch it with yer blasphemous 'taking my name in vain' bullshit ok!
"I was at my work place at noon, the middle of the day" = I was in my parents' basement, playing online poker and trying to keep my cheese doodle dust and semen stains off the carpet.
Wonkette does not allow comments?
You, sarcastic, nymph, you.
Just me or has there been a lot of nymph references this week? Is the Jeebus letter from the Wisconsin DA that was mind-fucking his witness?
Plus, I think we who comment here in the name of Cthulhu are fully aware of name value. Also.
Well, there was a week or so where it didn't, at least for me. Also, maybe King James Version (the most horrifically poorly-translated and anachronistic one of the bunch) never paid any attention to Ken's IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS ABOUT YOUR WONKETTE, and never got a new account?
In other words, the switch-over managed to weed people out on the basis of basic literacy and ability to follow directions, and for KJV, that's basically EXACTLY the same thing as not allowing comments at all.
Does proper paragraph format make baby Jeebus cry? But since Wonkette does not allow comments no one will read this.
Also, I have some curtains that open and you can experience heaven, but possibly not in the way he thinks.
Experience heaven, but not for the "six others", right? I'm sure you're not "that kind of girl"… Also.
I am very much a monogamist, although on Wonkette I am not and sometimes after a particularly bawdy session on here I feel very dirty but never ashamed. I'm looking at you Chet Kincaid.
(Blushing under my melanin)
I will never forget the summer of 42..
And they all smiled…..vertically?
I would like to make a motion that you be made the Goddess of Wonkette. You shall sit at the right hand of Ken and rule jointly with him before the Curtain of Heaven.
Gosh, it is honour enough just to be welcomed here on Wonkette, in such a delicious fashion.
I so want to have my way with you right now!
Even if I am a 17 year old, spotty youth who is very in touch with his feminine side?
*perks*
–Republican Senator
Does that mean my 'p' rating is all in my head? Damnation!
If Jesus® had a "p" it would be infinity (∞). He could also divide by zero if he wanted to.
such fancy HTML skillz. too bad they do not exist herein, apparently. Besides, your Jesus can just take his Mexi-Math back south of the border.
And we appreciate you all!
The Jesus I know personally doesn't really mind. He has quite a self effacing sense of humor and finds your kind to be too uptight, phoney and under-educated. You should meet HIM sometime. He's from the Yucatan and folds linens at the Super 8.
Oooh. That Jesus. Nevermind.
Maybe he lives in Spokane and is referring to the ghostly mascara-wearing billboard-residing goth Jesus.
You laugh, but I saw Jesus once. At the end of a fuck-long hiking trail, sitting under a tree near a water fall. I am so not joking. Sunny and hot as hell and he had the complexion of a few days in the grave and the serenity of Buddha.
I'm still an atheist though, dammit.
Your own "personal" Jesus?
yo, NOBODY fucks with the Jesus! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IONyLZn0pLI
At first I was scared for your life, Mr. Stuef (because Baby Jesus is all out of bubble gum), but I'm now convinced this is a well-crafted joke. 'Nymph' was just too funny.
P.S. Wonkette does not allow comments.
It is such a shame Wonkette doesn't allow comments, I desperately need to point out to someone that if you include the Green Ranger, you don't need Dean Martin to gather round our favorite dress-wearing illegal migrant savior.
A missive from Cloud-Cuckoo Land.
I would say he's touched by Jesus, but Jesus isn't a pedophile, no matter how much KJV wants to get down Jesus' soapbox. Jesus leaves the touching of children to Saul of Tarsus. Saul, having actually existed, gives better head.
I think I work with this guy. I hate doing peer-reviews on the documents he generates. He's always fucking off on the internet, but still hasn't figured out how to comment here.
And I did not realize I was posting amongst nymphos. Wonkette keeps getting better and better.
He's right! Why doesn't Wonkette allow comments? Why isn't there a little box on the bottom of an article titled POST A NEW COMMENT and there's a place where you can press the Submit Comment button?
Yeah! And you could put it at the bottom of a column of other comments that weren't made!
The non-replies could be not-threaded! WHY DON'T THEY DO THAT?
It's a travesty, I tells yah!
We should all tell Ken we want the ability to comment. But, how to do that?
Fuck yeah. Jesus is taking a page out of Daddy's book, and is going to start smotin' the blasphemers, gays, catholics, and the unrighteous! Game on!
However, your wicked abuse of Mohammed/Allah/Elohim/Obama/Buddha/liberalz/gays or any other name without regard to its value highly amuses me when at my desk at noon, in the middle of the day.
How can he believe in Jesus and believe in the existence of nymphs at the same time? Perhaps he's one of those primitive half-pagan christians of the third to fifth century AD who believed in Jesus, Jupiter, Isis, Diana, the Phyrgian Hebe and the Pythian Apollo simultaneously.
There is NO WAY that this person has a job that involves using a computer.
Uh. Tell that to the secretary at my office.
I wish I had thought of "SarcasticNymph" when I registered with intensedebate. This man has the soul of a poet (and the IQ of a Swiffer WetJet)
If I could have given you multiple "thumbs up" for that comment I would have.
I was just going to post that this is poetry. (bad, insane, trippy poetry, but poetry just the same). He clearly has an ee cummings thing going on.
I'm furious about this. How can I post a comment?
bastard…how'd you DO that, and so fast, you nymph?!
I'm still using the age old "box of hammers" or "sack of doorknobs" as an intelligenge disparagement. You have brought my sneering into the 21st century, Shifty and for that I thank you sincerely.
*Stunned and slacked jawed staring at the monitor with a little drool at the corner of my mouth*
I got nothing.
All of which goes to show that the Pope needs to get on the stick and beatify a Patron Saint of Snark. How 'bout Saint Lenny?
If you replaced every "Jesus" and "God" in that screed to "Dracula" and "the Government," why, you'd think the writer was a madman.
Excellent theoretical comment (what with posting comments not being allowed).
Jesus is the Fifth Cylon?
Nymphs? Does that include Sara? Because if so, sign me up to comment.
What job allows you to do drugs and have visions on your lunch break? I mean, officially. As in the HR handbook 'n all.
Bike messenger; in fact I think it's required.
Sarcastic, nymphs.
They are.
Always will be.
First!
Nice.
Haiku.
Fuck You.
(For being first and for making me not think of it.)
If kjv was pissed off at a posting, imagine what will happen when he actually reads those comments.
Well, in fairness, Wonkateers, if we do get down our soapbox, we DID have a hard time adjusting to our new comment thingee at first, but, being monsters, we figgered it out eventually.
*And* sarcastic nymphs. Don't forget the sarcastic nymphs part.
"dressed in white gowns"
Got it. Dude is in a mental hospital. I'd guess "inmate" over "employee" though.
Indeed. Finger paint time at Napa State hardly constitutes "work".
I'm sorry, but it's hard to take a guy seriously when he keeps showing up on my toast. I ate Jesus twice yesterday.
"In college they said this was all bullshit. Huh? You've been keeping records of me? Aw, I haven't been so bad. How many times have I taken the Lord's name in vain? Ew….million six? Jesus Chr…"
That kept happening to me!! I just figured Jesus was showing me Signs, until I discovered my housekeeper Consuela bought one of these, so you might want to check your kitchen:
http://jesustoasters.com/
If only I didn't think she was worth the $40 it would cost, I'd love to get one of those toasters for my Mormon mother-in-law for Christmas. She'd be properly offended, but forced to smile and act gracious until I left.
Bonus points for remembering Steve Martin.
I used to have "Wild and Crazy Guy" on eight-track when I was a kid. I think it may have warped me a bit. I don't give Jesus anywhere near the credit he deserves anymore, no matter how well he cleans my pool.
Someone should send this guy to a competent psychiatrist, STAT; having hallucinations in the middle of the day is a clear sign of schizophrenia. His work has got to be suffering as well; he's probably just barely hanging on to that job.
He already went to Anderson Cooper yesterday. What's a psychiatrist going to do that Anderson couldn't?
The job *was* the hallucination. Jesus doesn't just *stop by* and shit.; he's hanging around 24/7.
Ken! Offer him a job. He makes my head spin good.
There is something strangely sad about a religion that convinces people they have to defend their Lord and Savior with email.
Well, they used chain mail, too. Ask the Moors.
Oh you get a P for this one. Hee
Highlight of my day!
HISTORY'S GREATEST MONSTERS. AND NYMPHS. ALSO.
Sarcastic Nymphs? I always thought we were bouncy fuck monkeys. You learn something new every day, I guess.
i believe technically according to our lady peggington we're dizzy children.
Bouncy Fuck Monkey. My lady parts have a brand spanking new nickname. Thanks, Buddha!
You're welcome. I am here but to serve.
When Jesus stops by my workplace, he usually tells me I can go home early and have a martini but he never mentions Wonkette.
The last time I saw six folks standing around in white gowns, I think it was the Miss America pageant or possibly a Klan rally. I often get the two confused.
"they were dressed in white gowns"
So gay.
Nymphs? Sir or madam, while on-line on Wonkette I am nothing less than a nymphette!
Obviously the guy is writing from Vegas, he's describing the Cirque show he just saw after winning about 8 dollars in quarters from a slot machine.
I was thinking he might be on the community room PC at the local mental institution. It is almost meds time, so his last dose is wearing off.
Last time I checked Jesus did his own talking. He doesn't need KJV passing judgment on the Nymphs, or on the Nymphettes!
Today, we are all used as Jack Stuef wants.
Great handle Kidneys. Sort of sums up the GOP health care plan.
"No wonder, wonkette does not allow comments. "
When the fuck did this happen!?! Where are my comments going, then?! Why am I always the last to know!?!
Did you guys hear something?
I would reply, but Wonkette does not allow comments.
I would reply too, except that Wonkette does not allow comments in reply to comments.
COMMUNISM is rampant up.
If Wonkette has developed a Wingnut Filter, please share it with CNN.com and WashingtonPost.com. Thanks.
KJV? King James Version?
Yup.
Let us speculate, shall we, on the [redacted] portion….
kjv_luvr@live.com
kjvsmite@live.com
kjvrox@live.com
kjv69@live.com
God does not take our abuse litely (sic) – he always makes sure we have a safe word first. Green balloons!!
I had hoped
that you might have a conscious.
Well, Wonkette, do you haz a conscious?
If Wonkette achieves consciousness, it's gonna be worse than when Skynet did.
—Sarah Connor
The way things have been going around here it's best to be unconscious as much as possible.
Stupid Wonkette not allowing comments. I'm being repressed!
Edit: Oh, I see I am not the first to go here. It's like a date with Xtine O'Donnell.
Snarky, dryads.
Acerbic, slyphs.
Caustic, Naiads.
Wonk[ette]y, nymphet.
Snide, Succubi.
Pert, pixies.
Remind me not to drop acid right before a performance review. Mistaking you boss for Jeebus might win points with some organizations, but not here.
I'm positive they do not drug test at Jacks work place. Hey Jack, send me your name and address and your employer. I know where you can get some serious Hallucigins to sell cheap that will open up anybody's head, cloud, legs, zipper, etc..
I'd respond to this, but Wonkette doesn't allow comments… sorry
Does the Christian theme park he lives in have a Crucifixion ride?
It lasts a long time and you can only go once, but three days later you become an Assistant DA in Michigan. Pretty sweet.
I'm glad I'm not able to comment on this email.
Let this be a lesson: "kjv" could have saved himself a lot of grief if he'd simply followed standard procedure and had Jesus' lawyer review his rant before he hit the send button.
Hey Troubledog we have identical "P" ratings……
Its a match made in Pheaven.
Last time I got my P tested, my rating came back as "habitual cannabinoid user".
Ok guys, where's the ladder? I need to get down my soapbox.
How much peyote did he down before he saw Jeebus and the band?
I was going to try and ask Jesus Christ if he was offended by the way we were disrespecting him, but well, it turns out he's dead so I can't really ask him, and anyway he's kind of incapable of having opinions now.
Why, are you using Him as you want.
Why does this bring to mind images from Deliverance?
I want you to squeal like a prophet.
My conscious will never get the best of me. Because, I , Am, a nymph, seated, near, Jesus and, Slayer, with Perry Como.
NEEDZ MOAR LIGHTNING
The only time I saw The Big Guy at work, he told me I was overdoing the prescription cold meds.
And I hate to point this out, but KJV (apparently) has a job. I'm home reading Wonkette. Thus proving there is no God.
So Jesus is okay with you spending your work-time on Wonkette?
Hallelujah!
You are the sarcastic nymph, but I am the prize!
Jesus ate Peter's balls. Well, they were fishcakes, but they were in the shape of balls.
S/he's got the proselytizing all wrong. First you have to convince me that God exists. Then you have to sell me on Jesus. Only after the first two steps are achieved can you finger-wag.
ceci n'est pas un commentaire
Stern painting to follow…
No one else rated you up? I worry that dissecting the "art" of the Palin household has damaged the psyche of these folks around here.
C'est brilliant!
Since when did Wonkette install this comment feature? Must be in response to this Apostle's e-mail ramblings, so thanx. Allowing comments is unprecedented, and true proof that our Wonkette has a conscious.
Effing eff you Wonkette. Jesus does not like to be the butt of your jokes, nor does he like Democrats. He shall smite your servers with viruses and turn your commenters into frogs and locusts. He told me so after I finished off a 6-pack of Bud at lunch today.
Wasn't Jesus supposed to have 12 followers? Where are the other six? Lunch break?
Budget cuts.
There were 12 but kjv has trouble with "big" numbers.
Split shifts.
Now that we know the Wonkette comments do not exist, I am lost in an existential quandary. Since I am looking at what is naught but a hallucination or a dream, I ask myself, am I the dreamer? Or one of the figments? Are the rest of commenters simply conjurations of my imagination, or does this simply exist within the head of some else here, including my own apparent existence?
There are but two explanations:
1. Erickson & Breitbart are trying to incept tea-baggery in you during R.E.M. sleep, and we so-called "Wonketeers" are merely the figmentary "antibodies" of your mind, fighting off the invading Redstate Dream Team.
2. We have all died, but instead of moving on, we have created this "Wonkette" space where we can all be together and act out WWII erotic cosplay fantasies.
Yeah…and you know what else I hate? Not only can we not post comments, but we can't use fuck, shit, or hell. Stupid stupid Wonkette.
I actually think that, aside from the endless filth, Jesus would actually enjoy Wonkette and the endless mockery of the rich and powerful.
I love Letters to the Editor so, so much. Sarcastic, nymph monsters? Couldn't have said it better myself.
Where ever this person works, I'm thinking that OSHA needs to monitor the air quality.
I am the freakin Mayah! I'll have him disbarred before that can happen!
No wonder Wonkette does not allow comments? (comma redacted for sanity)
Dear most holy god in heaven, this thing must have been a mail merge form letter.
Everytime we see one of these letters the comma use baffles me, until I remember that most of us were taught that a comma is a pause, so that when we type one we actually are drawing a breath, and this is what people do when they are hyperventilating in rage. Another mystery, solved.
Wonkette – come for the monsters, stay for the nymphs!
Motto! Sorry wrong froup.
I was thinking about converting but if ya'lls only got 6 nymphs then I'll keep my 72 virgins.
P.S. Can I use my credit card to purchase some of these points that must be as valuable as Linden dollars?
Yass, but you haz to run it through Paypal and then enable jiggly-boob fizzicks before you can convert your commatery points to Lindenbucks
And yes there is an element of truth buried in there somewheres.
If we do then the terrorists win.
Not until they pry this Twinkie from my cold, dead hand.
Sarcastic nymphs are the best – that's why I hang out here.
What boss would fire this guy? I mean, come on. This guy has an arsenal in his truck for the endtimez.
I like to fart on my cat, whom I just named Jeebus, and he's not allowed to comment either.
Hey, Afternoon Editor, what did the Xtian say to the Roman?
"Where the fuck are my comments?"
Yes, and I want t-shirts.
Oh yes please Wonkette, we need T-shirts saying " Sarcastic Nymph" .
Now that I know Jesus has a Rat Pack, I'm giving up this Jew shit right away. My new article of faith is that Judas is Joey Bishop.
Didn't 'Sarcastic Nymphs' use to be a 80s Punk band?
"presumpteous, arrogant, monsters"
You rang?
I thought the King James Version of the Bible was verboten now because they figured out King James was gay. So his e-mail address is kjv_GAYBADGAY@ live.com?
Best selling author and economist, Dr. Larry Bates: "King James was a homosexual".
Are we sure this is genuine? I don't think most of these people even know what a nymph is. Somebody want to 'fess up?
A nymph is a female imp
and no, it wasn't me
I once fucked a nymph who kept telling me how great I was. What if she was in fact one of these sarcastic nymphs of whom the prophet kjv[redacted] speaks? I don't want to tell Penthouse they have to print a retraction.
all of you that are
flipant about Jesus Christ
at wonkette do me
fixed
…Who were these mysterious six others gathered round?…
The Evil Horde?
Seraphim, Cherubim, Sarcastic Nymphs.
I want to subscribe to your Church.
"I seen Jesus"
These three words pretty much sum up the whole thing. Say aloud for the full effect.
KJV chugs 30 year old six pack of Olympia at lunch.
"It was them Artesians! I seen 'em!"
this is an inside job. kjv didn't screw up a single you / you're.
I noticed that too. I call a page view job.
Sweet Baby Jesus has been back for around 90 years now in the form of publisher and Bush family benefactor Reverend Sun Myung Moon . Moon has said, and it is generally believed by Unification Church members, that he is the Messiah and the Second Coming of Christ and is fulfilling Jesus' unfinished mission.
Shout glory!
Praise Republican family values!
man, i been gone all day and i have to leave again right away, looks like i missed all the fun (though i too can splice a comma here and, there), looks like you wonketties have done a swell job editing this kjv.
so, i'll have some of what he's having, cuz it's clearly way more powerful than the rope i smoke, and cuz i don't wanna have a conscious. but i will have me one of those nymphs, if you can slide one my way.
say hallelujah, somebody!
If Wonkette doesn't allow comments, then what the fuck have I been laughing at for the past 5 minutes?
Comma nymphs?
lolcats?
Is it just me or is the word "nymph" being used a lot lately? 2nd time in one week!
Feel my outrage, nymphs et nymphos, as, apparently, I cannot, comma here., neither. DAMNABBIT!
,,,,,,,,,,,!!!1
Sarcastic [comma] nymphs?
I thought the Sarcastic Nymphs was a deleted scene from Monty Python & The Holy Grail. They would seduce brave knights with many saucy witticisms, then run away with their armor while mocking their wee codpieces and pallid haunches.
Sarcastic nymphs are my favorite kind.
I believe William Shatner needs to read this letter on the late-nite TeeVee, with the bongos and upright bass accompaniment.
Thirty pieces of silver? I'm unemployed…and 30 pieces of silver sounds pretty damn good. If all I have to do is be a blaphemer…well, sign me up!!
"Why are these people employed in this economy?"
Same reason Bush the Terrible got into the White House: he's someone's son or brother-in-law or something.
ahem: thou, shalt not split commas.
Seems like somebody could use that Mavis Beacon Typing program, to home school their ignorant ass selves with. They make it in a Spongbob version I hear.
What ho, sarcastic nymphs? What, ho?
What about it Jack? Do you have couscous with jumbo nymphs? I've built up quite an appetite using Jesus as I want.
.I.. I'm doing this as hard as I can. For Jeeeesssuuusss!
NOBODY fucks with the Jesus! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IONyLZn0pLI
Nymphs + Wonkette = Nymphettes?
Today we are all Vladamir Nabakov characters.
I strenuously deny any & all charges of both sarcasm & nymphitude – although I have spent many years afflicted with sardonic lymph … makes digestion a real bitch, in case you're wondering.
Christine O'Donnell sent you an email? Begone witch!
Wonkette doesn't allow comments?
HOLY SHIT I'M MAGIC! BOW TO ME, INTERNET, BOW!
Did he mean sarcastic nymphos? Because that sounds…kind of hot.
I wanted to leave a comment but there is no place to put a comment in,
On the InterNets, no one knows you're a sarcastic nymph!
Send him an email! Does anyone here have an @aol.com account? Or an @live.com account?
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