woodward + bernstein + dildos

James O’Keefe Tries To Get CNN Reporter Onto His Dildo Lube Boat

Yes, everyone wants to fuck that.CNN is doing a documentary on the three or four people who are young American conservative activists, so they decided they would follow around that criminal James O’Keefe, the guy who made those ACORN videos and tried to rape Mary Landrieu’s phones. But you know the one thing they weren’t expecting? They weren’t expecting James O’Keefe to try to lure CNN reporter Abbie Boudreau alone onto a boat filled with dildos and lube and a “condom jar” and “fuzzy handcuffs” and “an obvious sex tape machine,” so this is precisely what he did. Presumably it was to record himself raping her, of course, but O’Keefe says it was just a goof. Huh?

Thankfully, Boudreau was tipped off by O’Keefe’s female colleague, Izzy Santa. (Haha, IS HE SANTA? IS HE?)

“I noticed [Santa] had a little bit of dirt on her face, her lip was shaking, she seemed really uncomfortable and I asked her if she was OK,” Boudreau said. “The first thing she basically said to me was, ‘I’m not recording you, I’m not recording you. Are you recording me?’ I said, ‘No, I’m not recording you,’ and she showed me her digital recorder and it was not recording.”

Santa told Boudreau that O’Keefe planned to “punk” her by getting on a boat where hidden cameras were set up.

Haha, “punk’d,” that is a thing hip young people say in 2010.

CNN got hold of a document that supposedly is O’Keefe’s plans.

“Instead, I’ve decided to have a little fun. Instead of giving her a serious interview, I’m going to punk CNN. Abbie has been trying to seduce me to use me, in order to spin a lie about me. So, I’m going to seduce her, on camera, to use her for a video. This bubble-headed-bleach-blonde who comes on at five will get a taste of her own medicine, she’ll get seduced on camera and you’ll get to see the awkwardness and the aftermath.

Oh, we get it! It’s because all attractive women want to have sex with James O’Keefe. How can you resist that O’Keefe charm? CNN won’t like it very much when their reporter is forced to have sex with him on a boat! (Forced as in forced by her amazing sexual attraction to him, not rape or anything like that.)

This is why CNN should not employ women. They’re too liable to want to fuck James O’Keefe.

Also included in this story? This hilarious list of items in the boat!

Equipment needed

a. Video

1. hidden cams on the boat

2. tripod and overt recorder near the bed, an obvious sex tape machine

b. Props

1. condom jar

2. dildos

3. Music

a. Alicia keys

b. 80s romance songs, things that are typically James

c. avoid Marvin Gaye as too cliche

4. lube

5. ceiling mirror

6. posters and paintings of naked women

7. playboys and pornographic magazines

8. candles

9. Viagra and stamina pills

10. fuzzy handcuffs

11. blindfold

Looks like journalism to us, James O’Keefe. [CNN]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • chascates

    Breitbart needs to get one of those mail order operatives from Russia or Thailand.

  • PsycWench

    Don Henley called to say you're way too young to be using that line.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      O'Keefe was no doubt raised in a household where Classic Rock was the only radio station format available. Freebird!! Cocaine!!

      • Barrelhse

        I wanna hear "Caravan" with a drum solo.

        • Grief_Lessons

          Wowie Zowie!

      • prommie

        Its surprising he didn't go with Steely Dan for the makeout music.

    • CapnFatback

      Shh, if O'Queef finds "bubble-headed-bleach-blondes" in the media distasteful, no one had better tell him about Fox News.

    • http://wonkette.com Dr_pangloss

      Wasn't OKeefe's Dad in big boy pants at the time that song hit the airwaves?

    • Beowoof

      Not only too young, but too stupid.

  • Serolf_Divad

    Oh God, I think I'm going to puke. How is it possible that there are people in this world as sick and self-absorbed as this jerkoff?

    • doxastic

      The real question is: when is he going to start actually killing women? I'll guess we're about 6 months out…

    • Not_So_Much

      He clearly is confusing "seduce" with "buy whore for self who will lie to me about how sessy I am, what with the lube and the stolen, sticky Playboys, etc.".

    • SteelyDan64

      I think Jack is almost exactly right about this. My only differing opinion is that it was going to be a gang rape. I say this due to the JAR of condoms, lube, VIAGARA, STAMINA PILLS and a BLINDFOLD. IMO, The blindfold was to keep her from identifying her attackers and the condoms were to limit DNA.

      JMO

  • http://livebythefoma.blogspot.com Pop_Socket

    To quote Major T. J. "King" Kong: "Shoot, a fella' could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff. "

    • Truculent

      Ya' beat me to it. Keefe is keeping the three pairs of nylon stockings for himself

    • Tundra Grifter

      Dang! Beat me to it. I woulda kept the .45 and the gold coins. Could have sold the coins to Glumm Bleek.

    • CessnaDriver

      Maj. Kong was the model for James T. Kirk…..only Kirk didn't need no rubles or stockings!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Guess he wanted to show her his acorn, errr, mighty oak.

    • jetjaguar

      No, you mean acorn.

      • phaVoom

        Twig.

    • JustPixelz

      James O'Keefe is the little man in the boat.

      • CessnaDriver

        This I why I call him James O'Queef.

  • MildMidwesterner

    There's nothing like a good rape joke. Life long trauma is just soooo fuckin' funny!

  • doxastic

    Fuzzy handcuffs are authentic, but Marvin Gaye is "too cliche?" We have confirmed two things at once: James O'Keefe is a moron, and he has shitty taste in sexual music.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Seriously, this self-absorbed twat must think singing the national anthem at the start of a ballgame is "too cliche."

      Don't dis Marvin Gaye, jerk.

  • http://livebythefoma.blogspot.com Pop_Socket

    But where is the douchebag? Oh, right. He's the one that bought all the other stuff.

  • WunkRocker

    You're playing a dangerous game with Santa…

    • CapnFatback

      O'Keefe should have known that Santa was bound to check that list twice.

  • Rosie_Scenario

    Looks like he learned his lesson after being arrested for prior attempt at shenanagins. What a loser. Looks like GOP has no future as the old teabaggers kick off.

  • stew1

    Good thing they found out about this beforehand–no way she would have been able to resist Jimmy's sexual aura.

    • MrsBiggTime

      lord knows he makes me wet. and by that I mean I just threw up a little in my mouth.

  • SayItWithWookies

    James O'Keefe — putting the "ick" in "horrific display of narcissistic personality disorder with delusions of grandeur" since the spring of 2010.

    • Radiotherapy

      "Dick" would work too.

    • Extemporanus

      ♪♫ I'm on a boat motherfucker, take a look at me! ♪♫

    • prommie

      This is actually, really, literally, clinically, true. Its not just throwing epithets around, that is indeed what we are looking at. Dude's a fucking monster, he will end up at the fool farm, committed after his insanity plea is accepted by the court, sparing him the death penalty for his string of rape-murders.

    • CessnaDriver

      He tasted fame, and he wants to be relevant again.

  • metamarcisf

    How come when I use the search function at Breitbart and type in "James O'Keefe dildo lube boat" I get a message saying "No results found"?

    • Fare la Volpe

      "File size too small."

    • Tommmcatt

      Breitbart is seething with jealousy right now, that's why. O'Keefe never invited HIM to any dildo boat.

      • H Curve

        By the way, where is the boat? And where's our man Riley?

    • TanzbodenKoenig

      Those files are in Breitbart's private pleasure reserve

  • http://wonkette.com ChurchofRealism

    This kid couldn't seduce an ant with a picnic.

  • PsycWench

    Only after reading the story I realized that the Wonkette story is straight up, no satire. All of this is factual. WTF is WRONG with these people?

    • Redhead

      I'm curious what he thought this would accomplish. Did you read at the end, where one of his Bevis-and-Butthead-with-a-camera buddies e-mailed him the several ways CNN might react and how they should respond to make CNN look bad? All their suggestions just made O'Keefe look more and more immature and small-dicked and jealous because someone gave Boudreau a real journalist job.

  • FelixCulpa

    Cue the inevitable Breitbart, "This was clearly a funny, funny, HILARIOUS joke that has been taken out of context, edited, and otherwise totally misrepresented as something which it was not. People need to get perspective on these things!

    By the way, we meant all this to happen, just to show how the lamestream media really tries to sell sex, and yet when we offer up that gorgeous hunk of man meat James O'Keefe, they hypocritically freak out.

    Also, ACORN."

    • ALIVE!

      Breitbart asking for us to see the larger context is the actual joke here.

  • anonymousofficezombie

    O'Keefe always did give off a certain Joe "Girls Gone Wild" Francis rapey rapist vibe.

  • OneDollarJuana

    Mr. O'Keefe is following a sad but predictable arc. First it was fraud, then breaking and entering for illegal wiretapping, now conspiracy to rape. He is clearly acting out some psychosis and will increase the severity of his "punks" until he is caught, convicted, and achieves his ultimate goal: to be locked in a cell with a very large tattooed inmate with a life sentence and nothing to lose. Hope you kept some lube in your pocket, James. You're gonna need it!

    • Chet Kincaid

      If only this was 40 years ago, he could be a character in a James Ellroy novel who overhears the MLK Jr. killers on a wiretap while sniffing hippie girls' panties.

      A Lee Harvey Oswald today would just post stupid youtube videos, from his backyard, with his rifle.

  • HELisforHEL

    Sadly there are women who will actually fuck them. Yee gawds we're all screwed.

  • smokefilledroommate

    motherfucker is delusional

  • TheInternet

    "I noticed [Santa] had a little bit of dirt on her face, her lip was shaking, she seemed really uncomfortable and I asked her if she was OK,” Boudreau said. “The first thing she basically said to me was, ‘I’m not recording you, I’m not recording you. Are you recording me?"

    Young conservatives – functionally indistinguishable from the prematurely de-institutionalized.

    • Redhead

      I read that and immediately assumed O'Keefe did a trial run of his little "punk" on Santa.

  • hooray4anything

    I think the most amazing thing about the story is that CNN actually flat out said O'Keefe did it instead of saying that "some say O'Keefe did…" Nor did they use the word "alleged" or go to Erik Erickson for a comment to go make the story more balanced.

    • Ruhe

      They do that when covering this but can't manage to establish facts when covering any other story of import. Well…baby steps, I guess.

      • Swampgas_Man

        It's different when righttards are screwing w/ CNN directly, instead of just lying to a reporter.

  • Radiotherapy

    Abbie should have taken CO'D's advise. NEVER PLAY WITH THE MAN IN THE BOAT.

  • TheInternet

    Also, the most damning line in the memo:

    "b. 80s romance songs, things that are typically James "

    Huh.

    • stew1

      I'm thinkin' Men With Hats!

      • axmxz

        I'm thinking "It's Raining Men."

    • elviouslyqueer

      Because nothing says nautical sexytime like "The Best of Tiffany."

    • Extemporanus

      Nothing is more "typically James" than "Laid".

      (The handcuffs worn by the psych ward wacko were an obvious inspiration…)

    • JMPEsq

      Like a Virgin

    • Tim

      heh, I can see James queuing up Journey and Def Leppard power ballads and playing air guitar as part of his "cruise seduction"

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    Hipstervative.

  • http://littlewanking.blogspot.com/ harry_palmer

    He makes the actual pimps he impersonates look sympathetic.

  • CapnFatback

    an obvious sex tape machine

    I hate when I go out shopping for sex tape machines and all I can find are subtle models.

  • 4tehlulz_lite

    "stamina pills" = GHB

  • freakishlywrong

    Just reading the above cheesy paraphernalia set my gaydar off to 11.

    • doxastic

      Is this a sting, or an incredibly shitty bachelorette party?

  • samsuncle

    Republicans have a better track record of seducing men in airport restroom stalls.

  • stew1

    BTW, "fuzzy" handcuffs are for pussies. And "lube" — don't get me started…

  • CapnFatback

    Oh, imagine the shopping through the classifieds!

    "For Sale: Condom jar, rarely used, ask for C. O'Donnell."

  • SayItWithWookies

    Where at least nobody expects them to ruin the fun by trying to participate.

  • imissopus

    Something tells me O'Keefe didn't need to do any shopping to get all the stuff on his list. Would he have been wearing the pimp outfit on the boat? Maybe even just the fur stole?

    Someday this kid is going to get his ass kicked.

    • neiltheblaze

      All I know is, Andrew Breitbart wants his dildos back.

  • http://www.kenlayisalive.org kenlayisalive

    Fuck, now I'm feeling all prude because I don't know what a "sex tape machine" is.

    But seriously, when does this guy get to go to prison for the rest of his life?

    • http://iwastoldtheredbeponies.wordpress.com kittylittr

      I think it's a veiled reference to Paris Hilton.

    • jus_wonderin

      A Sex Tape Machine is like one of those tools one uses to seal a package before handing it the UPS man. Only that it's Sexy Tape.

  • Fare la Volpe

    "a. Alicia keys"

    Oh dear god he is a virgin.

  • tribbzthesquidz

    Gotcha!

  • jetjaguar

    This is quite possibly the funniest thing that has ever happened. Every tiny detail is just… perfect.

  • HOFAH

    This guy couldn't seduce a woman at the Bunny Ranch.

    Keep it up Jimmy boy and you will find yourself someplace where they don't use lube or play 80 romance songs

  • elpinche

    He needs a face transplant and a penis to even get a smile.

  • natoslug

    Stupid white boy. He should've gone with Fear's "Beef Bologna" if he wanted guaranteed sexy action with a woman. It's like Marvin Gaye and Barry White had a baby and that baby took Spanish Fly, times 5.

  • Billmatic

    Just to nitpick: How is it that his lists starts with an a. then is followed by 1. and then he switches it up later on 3. by having subheaders a. b. and c.???? HOW DARE YOU O'KEEFE.

  • lumpenprole

    You know who else… oh god, never mind. That observation is unusually devoid of snark in this case.

  • http://iwastoldtheredbeponies.wordpress.com kittylittr

    Wow, the contents of his sex boat are indistinguishable from the fantasies his daddy-bear Andrew Breitbart vomited onto Bill Maher's table the other night.

  • axmxz

    "My name is James. I work in video activism and journalism. I've been approached by CNN for an interview where I know what their angle is: they want to portray me and my friends as crazies, as non-journalists, as unprofessional and likely as homophobes, racists or bigots of some sort…. Instead, I've decided to openly come out on TV as a retarded douchebag. There's no need for anyone to waste their time analyzing me, my motives, my intelligence, or my self-awareness, so I thought I'd spare them the trouble."

    • twingonaut

      I think we have a good job candidate for the Wonkett. Pay him in hobo beans, whore diamonds, and Riley and he'll be all good.

  • Steverino247

    Ben Wetmore?! Sounds like a bad porn star name to me.

  • axmxz

    Is a "sex tape machine" anything like a camcorder?

    • hooray4anything

      I think it's a James Brown song

      • Gleem_McShineys

        Poppa's Got a Brand New (douche)Bag

  • SudsMcKenzie

    I wonder what James and Candy Crowley could do with that list.

  • widestanceroman

    He is the "nadir" of hot sexual prowess as well as of morality.

  • HempDogbane

    Rush Limbaugh would approve, and by coincidence, also keeps his condoms in a jar.

    • natoslug

      Oh man, if only I'd seen THIS before responding. If anybody should have been caught stuffing condoms in acorns, it's O'Keefe. Oh well, a Republican judge is a close enough second.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Boudreau agreed to meet O'Keefe to discuss CNN's request to be present on set for a music video shoot in which O'Keefe stars."

    Man, what band would want that putz in their video? Or maybe they were going for the dickhead effect, like Twisted Sister did with that guy that played Niedermeyer in Animal House. Pledge pin?!?!?

  • Gopherit

    I am fully willing to believe that these items were there for times that Breitbart visits him.

  • waitforsugar

    This is under Persona: "James should have a more sleazy persona than normal, with slicked back hair and exposing his chest. It should be entirely over the top. The persona should be very touchy-feely, ideally wearing gold chains and with cigarettes."

    Are you fucking kidding me? This slimy ass bastard is subtle like a kneesock of quarters to the face.

  • http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=351473119155 Fred_Wertham_Jr

    Izzy is obviously brown, lesbian, or both. Hannah Giles wouldn't have ratted him out like that.

  • Guppy06

    "Abbie has been trying to seduce me"

    If it were Campbell Brown, there'd be no "trying" involved.

    "in order to spin a lie about me"

    "I'll show her! I'll give her a completely ridiculous truth to say about me!"

  • x111e7thst

    If this O'Keefe citizen is lucky someone will eventually staple his ear to a wall and leave him there overnight to reflect on the error of his ways. But without some such drastic intervention his downward spiral will continue until he ends up running around a truck stop naked offering $2 blow jobs to every man he sees.

    • Nopantsmcgee

      Every Wide-Stance Republican is already doing that. That is why the going price for a blow job is so cheap these days. 'Jizzer's market', it what its called on Fox Business.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Ratfucking has gone seriously downhill since CReeP's Donald Segretti and Karl Rove.

  • mumbly_joe

    There are LITERALLY too many ways in which this "scheme" is idiotic and terrible, to even begin to count.

    However, if one were to try, I suppose I could get things started:

    1) The lynchpin of this entire plan, it appears, was the intense and ineffable sexual magnetism of one "James O'Keefe".

    • petehammer

      Here we have a reporter, who has likely interviewed hot/powerful/intelligent men before and somehow resisted having sex with them on camera. Is he truly this stupid?

    • Redhead

      2) That O'Keefe spent all that time and energy plotting and this was his great plan to make CNN look bad.

  • Badonkadonkette

    You know what's funny? I mean, funnier than the "I rape women – just kidding! No, but seriously, I think when pretty women talk to me, but don't consent to having sex with me, I'm entitled to rape them" thing? O'Keefe wanted to do this in Maryland, where, as anyone named Linda Tripp can tell you, it's a crime to surreptitiously record a private conversation with someone without consent, even while you're not raping them.

    • FidoMcCokefiend

      You said rape twice.

  • Asa_Hawks

    Ok. So we can all agree that James O'Keefe is, in the purest clinical sense, a fucking sociopath, right?

    • phaVoom

      Psychopath, but whatever. He could stand to get "punked" at County for a few weeks.

  • Clungeflaps

    I wonder if his idea of dating is to reenact the rape scene in 'The Fountainhead'?

    I'm guessing the only books he's ever read are Ayn Rand books so that's what his idea of 'healthy' sexuality should be.

    Maybe he's still waiting for his Dagny Taggart (or some other dizzy bird that has a vaguely American-y sounding name that no one has ever had, but sounds normal to some deranged Russian bint with a decades spanning amphetamine habit).

    • H Curve

      "Clungeflaps" – Isn't that the name of the O'Keefe Lube Boat?

  • eclecticbrotha

    Not only is this guy a closet rapist, from the looks of that proboscis I'd say he has some Toucan Sam in his ancestry.

  • torera

    James is perfectly suited to be the future of the conservative movement.: A moronic, know-nothing narcissist who thinks the world will succumb to his wishes. Erickson or someone should do the movement a huge favor and get this guy institutionalized as soon as possible. (Not that I wouldn't miss these vomitous reminders of what he represents. Is Daddy embarrassed enough yet?)

  • hooray4anything

    Of course, they won't because that would mean they'd look "biased" and you can't have that. My guess is that all the activists they show all donate their time at homeless shelters, pray to Jesus four times a day, and have at least one minority they're Facebook friends with.

  • bigdupa

    Too bad they didn't send over Anderson Cooper at the last minute- it might have worked.

  • H Curve

    My understanding is he 'falls for it' about twice a week. "What the?! Ju-hames! OMG! OK, you got me again! So let's do this… Cuff me."

    • doxastic

      It would explain Breitbart's unwavering loyalty

  • BornInATrailer

    3. Music
    .
    .
    b. 80s romance songs, things that are typically James

    Given the cuffs, rape boat and other general freak-ery, when I read this line I assumed it referred to Rick James. I know I like to bump uglies to "Give It To Me Baby" and "Super Freak"….

    Then I realized *his* name is James and I laughed at the unintentional comedy.

  • WorkTheSaxofone

    Who lent him the boat for this caper?

  • JMPEsq

    Lee Atwater, Karl Rove and Richard Fucking Nixon called to say O'Keefe was taking the ratfucking too far.

    Anyone else look at the punking memo? The main reason they were pissed at CNN is that the network has dared to imply that the overtly racist teabaggers and them are actually racist. Hey, fuckheads, if you being called racist, stop being a huge fucking racist.

    • Redhead

      That and they implied the kid who runs around with a video camera doing illegal/morally questionable things in old Halloween costumes and who is employed by the company he started might not actually be a journalist.

  • GreyRogue

    From the article: "If they pursue this as you are a creep, you should play it up with them initially only to reveal that the tape was made beforehand confirming this was a gag," the document states.

    Because that makes this totally creep-free….

  • Giveusabob

    Sifting through the docs that CNN attached to their story yields what amounts to stage directions for O'Keefe's little "caper," as he named it. The instructions for the persona O'Keefe is to play in this caper: "James should have a more sleazy persona than normal," which I don't believe is possible.

    I will now rinse my eyes with Drain-o to remove the taint of looking at this crap.

    • doxastic

      I like that they recognize that he's normally sleazy.

  • MLite

    CONSERVATIVE HERO! And I absolutely love the sexism. I wonder what the "bubble-headed-bleach-blondes" (Megyn Kelly) on Fox News will have to say about the guy they lionized as the greatest American Hero (TM) since George Bush. Also, sadly, this is the douche bag that used deceptively edited videos to launch the entire Congressional GOP to destroy ACORN/Al Qaeda and got the Dems to go along because they're pussies.

  • SilverFox

    As the GOP rewards freaks and hacks who spend their 20s kicking poors and being social misfits – all for the glory of St. Ronnie (see Grover Norquists, Rove, etc.) – we will likely see him down the road as special adviser to the Palin-Rand Paul administration. Weee!

  • SheriffRoscoe

    The list is suspiciosly lacking in products which inhibit the premature and unwelcome ejaculation process from occuring immediately upon insertion. I'm tempted to call bullshit on the story for that reason.

    • Ducksworthy

      Yeah. Need moar mousetraps and hot pepper spray.

  • Lucidamente1

    The dateline "Lusby, Maryland." uh-huh-huh.

  • EdFlintstone

    James your making this way too easy for us. Yeah guys nothing impresses the chicks more than seeing you have porno mags, dildos, handcuffs, ceiling mirrors and your young and need boner pills. Yeah that night is gonna end well. By well of course I mean your going to tape yourself spanking it to Rick James.

    • Ducksworthy

      Some vials of penicillin and bottles of the antiretroviral drug cocktail to show the he had the syphilis and aids under control would have impressed her about as much.

  • fuflans

    that's a lot of paraphernalia for a 1st date. Next time he should maybe just try 'chocolat' or something.

  • SecretMuslin

    As a relatively attractive blonde female human, I take particular umbrage at Mr O'Keefe's insinuation that having both blonde hair and a vagina makes someone an idiot. He has neither and is quite obviously a retard.

  • AccordionORama

    O'Keefe's music is a surprise. I'd have expected Liberace's cover of "Macho Man".

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    Now, I'm no lawyer, but in light of the fact that James O'Keefe is still on probation after the Mary Landrieu fuckup, shouldn't he be cooling his heels in the iron bar hotel about now?

  • petehammer

    Had she actually gone on the boat, I think she'd have a pretty good sexual harassment lawsuit against Project Veritas. It happened on company time, for the purpose of "business."

    I give it two years before cops discover bodies of teenage girls around this guy's house.

  • GOPCrusher

    James O'Keefe is one person that deserves to be beaten to within an inch of his miserable life, and the video posted on You Tube.

  • ttommyunger

    This pencil-neck pussyfart couldn't rape a piss ant. If he's got rape on his mind he'd better find some quadruple paraplegic or he'll wind up getting his ass kicked, which he sorely needs anyway. If only I could buy this little jizz stain for what he's worth and sell him for what he THINKS he's worth.

  • JMPEsq

    The thing is, James, I'm pretty sure I know where you got the idea that this was a surefire method to seduce a woman, having seen some of them myself; what you have understand (and I thought was obvious) is that the women are actually professional porn stars, they're not really just picking up some random girl off the streets.

  • FidoMcCokefiend

    Is it wrong that I continue to try and figure out exactly what the "punk" part of this would have been were he successful? I mean, what's the best case scenario for this derpmagnet? "DERP CNN ON BOAT WITH DILDOS!"? That's the "punk"?

    I say this with 100% of my being. I have never in my 40 years on earth punched another human being. Were James O'Keefe to walk down the street, I would punch in right in the throat. Repeatedly. With a brick.

    • aisai

      I believe the plan was for Mr. Sexual predator to seduce her with his 'sexual charms' and dildos and the PUNK her by rejecting her like the cool, suave heartbreaker that he is.

      Basically the plan relied on O'Keefe being in any way likeable.

    • axmxz

      I guess he thought that the interview was so important to CNN that they were going to broadcast it live? And then get majorly embarazados on air, from all the dildos? For a self-proclaimed "video activist," he really doesn't seem to have a clue how TV works.

  • crapshooter102

    I can't think of anything snarky to say. This is sick shit. I am sure his Probation Officer in that last covert adventure will want to have a conversation with him real soon. What do you think JMPEsq? Read all about it.
    http://www.cnn.com/2010/US/09/29/okeefe.cnn.prank

  • Redhead

    Sounds like someone's pissed he couldn't get a real job at CNN, the New York Times or the National Enquirer.

  • qwerty42

    What a creep this guy is. I don't see a happy ending for him. He's got … uh … "issues" and they are not being resolved. The Graybar Hotel might help with that …

  • neiltheblaze

    With opponents like this, who needs allies?

  • mumbly_joe

    Therefore, this is why CNN should not employ women. They’re too liable to want to fuck James O’Keefe.

    And yet, they employ Ewick Erickson. Double-standard, much?!

  • glamourdammerung

    Am I the only one thinking Widdle James wanted to creatively edit some more tapes?

  • BklynIlluminati

    This all blew up in his face because he forgot the Courvoisier.

  • reliefsinn

    Who needs all that stuff to have sex anyway? What is it with kids these days?
    AND WHY is this little s&&t still walking around free, when poor David Kernell, who hacked someone's yahoo(?) password, is facing 15-21 months in jail?
    Oh, Mr. O'Keefe, Doris Day called, she wants her curly lamb jacket back.

  • assistantatlas

    Did anyone else think it was weird that a 24-year-old would need Viagra? And also, did anyone else think this might just be some sort of pathetic cry for help?

    I know, me neither…

  • http://wonkette.com Salacious Crumb

    where are those russian fuckers with the hammers when you need them?

  • comrad_darkness

    What the hell good is the homeland security act and the crazy ass executive powers bush left obama with if this fuckstain gets to walk the damn streets?

  • DoktorZoom

    How's this for sad? Not even the Freepers like him anymore.

  • aisai

    Why James, are you sure that Sexual harrasment is not a violation of your parole?

  • nachoproblem

    Okay, I'm just confused. Which way was this scenario supposed to play out?

    A) Lady goes to interview ACORN hack kid, agrees to meet him on his boat, upon entering the boat, is filmed having an awkward conversation with Tardling as she surveys his furry fetish lair, and to conclude the interview he reveals, with a flourish, "Aha! Silly lamestream librul, you wanted to interview an important public person, yet I tricked you into interviewing an obviously desperate jackass, which is me!"

    B) Lady goes to interview ACORN hack kid, catches sight of his sticky toy collection and prominent camera crap, and immediately thinks to herself, "Oho! So not only do I get to interview a walking internet meme, I get to have teh sexytime with him too. And no one will ever know!"

    C) Lady goes to interview ACORN hack kid, he rapes the shit out of her, and then distributes evidence of himself committing a violent crime, with the subtext, "Look! Librul mediuhz are so silly because I rapeded one."

    My brain now feels so ucky I simply am not up to the task of analyzing which, if any of these, is at all probable or makes any damn sense. So yeah, I can pretty much believe this is the face of Young Conservatism.

    EDIT: Oh wait, I forgot,

    D) The same as A) except he edits the footage until it becomes something like Homer Simpson saying, "Sweet… sweet… CAN!!!" Based on his past work, it is obviously that one.

    God, kill us now. We all suck.

  • Tim

    Why does a twenty five year old need viagra to be with such a good looking woman? Is James hiding something? It's his partner that would need something – he's seriously ugly.

  • transfatz

    James O’Keefe? Needs lots more props.

  • NothingMissing

    So the only little man in the boat O’Keefe was left to diddle with was… himself.

  • Thedongsofwar

    WHY ARE YOU ASHAMED!

  • baxterthepug

    He couldn't get laid in women's prison, waving a fistful of pardons.

  • Fungible

    I'm pretty sure I just saw this storyline on "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia."

  • ZachMN

    O'Keefe looks exactly like Lee Harvey Oswald. Same creepy sociopath expression too.

  • housbinfarteen

    My sister could beat him up and take his lunch money.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    O'Keefe, Conservative Activist. Bristle the Pistol, Teen Advocate. Gingrich, Values Voter. Sarah Palin, Iconic Image of Maternal Love. Christine O'Donnell, model of Fiscal Responsibility and the Frigid Motherless Shrew also represents too, American Family Values.