woodward + bernstein + dildos

James O’Keefe Tries To Get CNN Reporter Onto His Dildo Lube Boat

Yes, everyone wants to fuck that.CNN is doing a documentary on the three or four people who are young American conservative activists, so they decided they would follow around that criminal James O’Keefe, the guy who made those ACORN videos and tried to rape Mary Landrieu’s phones. But you know the one thing they weren’t expecting? They weren’t expecting James O’Keefe to try to lure CNN reporter Abbie Boudreau alone onto a boat filled with dildos and lube and a “condom jar” and “fuzzy handcuffs” and “an obvious sex tape machine,” so this is precisely what he did. Presumably it was to record himself raping her, of course, but O’Keefe says it was just a goof. Huh?

Thankfully, Boudreau was tipped off by O’Keefe’s female colleague, Izzy Santa. (Haha, IS HE SANTA? IS HE?)

“I noticed [Santa] had a little bit of dirt on her face, her lip was shaking, she seemed really uncomfortable and I asked her if she was OK,” Boudreau said. “The first thing she basically said to me was, ‘I’m not recording you, I’m not recording you. Are you recording me?’ I said, ‘No, I’m not recording you,’ and she showed me her digital recorder and it was not recording.”

Santa told Boudreau that O’Keefe planned to “punk” her by getting on a boat where hidden cameras were set up.

Related video

Haha, “punk’d,” that is a thing hip young people say in 2010.

CNN got hold of a document that supposedly is O’Keefe’s plans.

“Instead, I’ve decided to have a little fun. Instead of giving her a serious interview, I’m going to punk CNN. Abbie has been trying to seduce me to use me, in order to spin a lie about me. So, I’m going to seduce her, on camera, to use her for a video. This bubble-headed-bleach-blonde who comes on at five will get a taste of her own medicine, she’ll get seduced on camera and you’ll get to see the awkwardness and the aftermath.

Oh, we get it! It’s because all attractive women want to have sex with James O’Keefe. How can you resist that O’Keefe charm? CNN won’t like it very much when their reporter is forced to have sex with him on a boat! (Forced as in forced by her amazing sexual attraction to him, not rape or anything like that.)

This is why CNN should not employ women. They’re too liable to want to fuck James O’Keefe.

Also included in this story? This hilarious list of items in the boat!

Equipment needed

a. Video

1. hidden cams on the boat

2. tripod and overt recorder near the bed, an obvious sex tape machine

b. Props

1. condom jar

2. dildos

3. Music

a. Alicia keys

b. 80s romance songs, things that are typically James

c. avoid Marvin Gaye as too cliche

4. lube

5. ceiling mirror

6. posters and paintings of naked women

7. playboys and pornographic magazines

8. candles

9. Viagra and stamina pills

10. fuzzy handcuffs

11. blindfold

Looks like journalism to us, James O’Keefe. [CNN]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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169 comments

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      O'Keefe was no doubt raised in a household where Classic Rock was the only radio station format available. Freebird!! Cocaine!!

    2. CapnFatback

      Shh, if O'Queef finds "bubble-headed-bleach-blondes" in the media distasteful, no one had better tell him about Fox News.

  1. Serolf_Divad

    Oh God, I think I'm going to puke. How is it possible that there are people in this world as sick and self-absorbed as this jerkoff?

    1. doxastic

      The real question is: when is he going to start actually killing women? I'll guess we're about 6 months out…

    2. Not_So_Much

      He clearly is confusing "seduce" with "buy whore for self who will lie to me about how sessy I am, what with the lube and the stolen, sticky Playboys, etc.".

    3. SteelyDan64

      I think Jack is almost exactly right about this. My only differing opinion is that it was going to be a gang rape. I say this due to the JAR of condoms, lube, VIAGARA, STAMINA PILLS and a BLINDFOLD. IMO, The blindfold was to keep her from identifying her attackers and the condoms were to limit DNA.

      JMO

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Dang! Beat me to it. I woulda kept the .45 and the gold coins. Could have sold the coins to Glumm Bleek.

  2. doxastic

    Fuzzy handcuffs are authentic, but Marvin Gaye is "too cliche?" We have confirmed two things at once: James O'Keefe is a moron, and he has shitty taste in sexual music.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Seriously, this self-absorbed twat must think singing the national anthem at the start of a ballgame is "too cliche."

      Don't dis Marvin Gaye, jerk.

  3. Rosie_Scenario

    Looks like he learned his lesson after being arrested for prior attempt at shenanagins. What a loser. Looks like GOP has no future as the old teabaggers kick off.

  4. stew1

    Good thing they found out about this beforehand–no way she would have been able to resist Jimmy's sexual aura.

  5. SayItWithWookies

    James O'Keefe — putting the "ick" in "horrific display of narcissistic personality disorder with delusions of grandeur" since the spring of 2010.

    1. prommie

      This is actually, really, literally, clinically, true. Its not just throwing epithets around, that is indeed what we are looking at. Dude's a fucking monster, he will end up at the fool farm, committed after his insanity plea is accepted by the court, sparing him the death penalty for his string of rape-murders.

  6. metamarcisf

    How come when I use the search function at Breitbart and type in "James O'Keefe dildo lube boat" I get a message saying "No results found"?

  7. PsycWench

    Only after reading the story I realized that the Wonkette story is straight up, no satire. All of this is factual. WTF is WRONG with these people?

    1. Redhead

      I'm curious what he thought this would accomplish. Did you read at the end, where one of his Bevis-and-Butthead-with-a-camera buddies e-mailed him the several ways CNN might react and how they should respond to make CNN look bad? All their suggestions just made O'Keefe look more and more immature and small-dicked and jealous because someone gave Boudreau a real journalist job.

  8. FelixCulpa

    Cue the inevitable Breitbart, "This was clearly a funny, funny, HILARIOUS joke that has been taken out of context, edited, and otherwise totally misrepresented as something which it was not. People need to get perspective on these things!

    By the way, we meant all this to happen, just to show how the lamestream media really tries to sell sex, and yet when we offer up that gorgeous hunk of man meat James O'Keefe, they hypocritically freak out.

    Also, ACORN."

  9. OneDollarJuana

    Mr. O'Keefe is following a sad but predictable arc. First it was fraud, then breaking and entering for illegal wiretapping, now conspiracy to rape. He is clearly acting out some psychosis and will increase the severity of his "punks" until he is caught, convicted, and achieves his ultimate goal: to be locked in a cell with a very large tattooed inmate with a life sentence and nothing to lose. Hope you kept some lube in your pocket, James. You're gonna need it!

    1. Chet Kincaid

      If only this was 40 years ago, he could be a character in a James Ellroy novel who overhears the MLK Jr. killers on a wiretap while sniffing hippie girls' panties.

      A Lee Harvey Oswald today would just post stupid youtube videos, from his backyard, with his rifle.

  10. TheInternet

    "I noticed [Santa] had a little bit of dirt on her face, her lip was shaking, she seemed really uncomfortable and I asked her if she was OK,” Boudreau said. “The first thing she basically said to me was, ‘I’m not recording you, I’m not recording you. Are you recording me?"

    Young conservatives – functionally indistinguishable from the prematurely de-institutionalized.

  11. hooray4anything

    I think the most amazing thing about the story is that CNN actually flat out said O'Keefe did it instead of saying that "some say O'Keefe did…" Nor did they use the word "alleged" or go to Erik Erickson for a comment to go make the story more balanced.

    1. Ruhe

      They do that when covering this but can't manage to establish facts when covering any other story of import. Well…baby steps, I guess.

  12. TheInternet

    Also, the most damning line in the memo:

    "b. 80s romance songs, things that are typically James "

    Huh.

    1. Tim

      heh, I can see James queuing up Journey and Def Leppard power ballads and playing air guitar as part of his "cruise seduction"

  13. CapnFatback

    an obvious sex tape machine

    I hate when I go out shopping for sex tape machines and all I can find are subtle models.

  14. CapnFatback

    Oh, imagine the shopping through the classifieds!

    "For Sale: Condom jar, rarely used, ask for C. O'Donnell."

  15. imissopus

    Something tells me O'Keefe didn't need to do any shopping to get all the stuff on his list. Would he have been wearing the pimp outfit on the boat? Maybe even just the fur stole?

    Someday this kid is going to get his ass kicked.

    1. jus_wonderin

      A Sex Tape Machine is like one of those tools one uses to seal a package before handing it the UPS man. Only that it's Sexy Tape.

  16. HOFAH

    This guy couldn't seduce a woman at the Bunny Ranch.

    Keep it up Jimmy boy and you will find yourself someplace where they don't use lube or play 80 romance songs

  17. natoslug

    Stupid white boy. He should've gone with Fear's "Beef Bologna" if he wanted guaranteed sexy action with a woman. It's like Marvin Gaye and Barry White had a baby and that baby took Spanish Fly, times 5.

  18. Billmatic

    Just to nitpick: How is it that his lists starts with an a. then is followed by 1. and then he switches it up later on 3. by having subheaders a. b. and c.???? HOW DARE YOU O'KEEFE.

  19. kittylittr

    Wow, the contents of his sex boat are indistinguishable from the fantasies his daddy-bear Andrew Breitbart vomited onto Bill Maher's table the other night.

  20. axmxz

    "My name is James. I work in video activism and journalism. I've been approached by CNN for an interview where I know what their angle is: they want to portray me and my friends as crazies, as non-journalists, as unprofessional and likely as homophobes, racists or bigots of some sort…. Instead, I've decided to openly come out on TV as a retarded douchebag. There's no need for anyone to waste their time analyzing me, my motives, my intelligence, or my self-awareness, so I thought I'd spare them the trouble."

    1. twingonaut

      I think we have a good job candidate for the Wonkett. Pay him in hobo beans, whore diamonds, and Riley and he'll be all good.

    1. natoslug

      Oh man, if only I'd seen THIS before responding. If anybody should have been caught stuffing condoms in acorns, it's O'Keefe. Oh well, a Republican judge is a close enough second.

  21. BaldarTFlagass

    "Boudreau agreed to meet O'Keefe to discuss CNN's request to be present on set for a music video shoot in which O'Keefe stars."

    Man, what band would want that putz in their video? Or maybe they were going for the dickhead effect, like Twisted Sister did with that guy that played Niedermeyer in Animal House. Pledge pin?!?!?

  22. waitforsugar

    This is under Persona: "James should have a more sleazy persona than normal, with slicked back hair and exposing his chest. It should be entirely over the top. The persona should be very touchy-feely, ideally wearing gold chains and with cigarettes."

    Are you fucking kidding me? This slimy ass bastard is subtle like a kneesock of quarters to the face.

  23. Guppy06

    "Abbie has been trying to seduce me"

    If it were Campbell Brown, there'd be no "trying" involved.

    "in order to spin a lie about me"

    "I'll show her! I'll give her a completely ridiculous truth to say about me!"

  24. x111e7thst

    If this O'Keefe citizen is lucky someone will eventually staple his ear to a wall and leave him there overnight to reflect on the error of his ways. But without some such drastic intervention his downward spiral will continue until he ends up running around a truck stop naked offering $2 blow jobs to every man he sees.

    1. Nopantsmcgee

      Every Wide-Stance Republican is already doing that. That is why the going price for a blow job is so cheap these days. 'Jizzer's market', it what its called on Fox Business.

  25. mumbly_joe

    There are LITERALLY too many ways in which this "scheme" is idiotic and terrible, to even begin to count.

    However, if one were to try, I suppose I could get things started:

    1) The lynchpin of this entire plan, it appears, was the intense and ineffable sexual magnetism of one "James O'Keefe".

    1. petehammer

      Here we have a reporter, who has likely interviewed hot/powerful/intelligent men before and somehow resisted having sex with them on camera. Is he truly this stupid?

  26. Badonkadonkette

    You know what's funny? I mean, funnier than the "I rape women – just kidding! No, but seriously, I think when pretty women talk to me, but don't consent to having sex with me, I'm entitled to rape them" thing? O'Keefe wanted to do this in Maryland, where, as anyone named Linda Tripp can tell you, it's a crime to surreptitiously record a private conversation with someone without consent, even while you're not raping them.

  27. Asa_Hawks

    Ok. So we can all agree that James O'Keefe is, in the purest clinical sense, a fucking sociopath, right?

  28. Clungeflaps

    I wonder if his idea of dating is to reenact the rape scene in 'The Fountainhead'?

    I'm guessing the only books he's ever read are Ayn Rand books so that's what his idea of 'healthy' sexuality should be.

    Maybe he's still waiting for his Dagny Taggart (or some other dizzy bird that has a vaguely American-y sounding name that no one has ever had, but sounds normal to some deranged Russian bint with a decades spanning amphetamine habit).

  29. eclecticbrotha

    Not only is this guy a closet rapist, from the looks of that proboscis I'd say he has some Toucan Sam in his ancestry.

  30. torera

    James is perfectly suited to be the future of the conservative movement.: A moronic, know-nothing narcissist who thinks the world will succumb to his wishes. Erickson or someone should do the movement a huge favor and get this guy institutionalized as soon as possible. (Not that I wouldn't miss these vomitous reminders of what he represents. Is Daddy embarrassed enough yet?)

  31. hooray4anything

    Of course, they won't because that would mean they'd look "biased" and you can't have that. My guess is that all the activists they show all donate their time at homeless shelters, pray to Jesus four times a day, and have at least one minority they're Facebook friends with.

  32. H Curve

    My understanding is he 'falls for it' about twice a week. "What the?! Ju-hames! OMG! OK, you got me again! So let's do this… Cuff me."

  33. BornInATrailer

    3. Music
    .
    .
    b. 80s romance songs, things that are typically James

    Given the cuffs, rape boat and other general freak-ery, when I read this line I assumed it referred to Rick James. I know I like to bump uglies to "Give It To Me Baby" and "Super Freak"….

    Then I realized *his* name is James and I laughed at the unintentional comedy.

  34. JMPEsq

    Lee Atwater, Karl Rove and Richard Fucking Nixon called to say O'Keefe was taking the ratfucking too far.

    Anyone else look at the punking memo? The main reason they were pissed at CNN is that the network has dared to imply that the overtly racist teabaggers and them are actually racist. Hey, fuckheads, if you being called racist, stop being a huge fucking racist.

    1. Redhead

      That and they implied the kid who runs around with a video camera doing illegal/morally questionable things in old Halloween costumes and who is employed by the company he started might not actually be a journalist.

  35. GreyRogue

    From the article: "If they pursue this as you are a creep, you should play it up with them initially only to reveal that the tape was made beforehand confirming this was a gag," the document states.

    Because that makes this totally creep-free….

  36. Giveusabob

    Sifting through the docs that CNN attached to their story yields what amounts to stage directions for O'Keefe's little "caper," as he named it. The instructions for the persona O'Keefe is to play in this caper: "James should have a more sleazy persona than normal," which I don't believe is possible.

    I will now rinse my eyes with Drain-o to remove the taint of looking at this crap.

  37. MLite

    CONSERVATIVE HERO! And I absolutely love the sexism. I wonder what the "bubble-headed-bleach-blondes" (Megyn Kelly) on Fox News will have to say about the guy they lionized as the greatest American Hero (TM) since George Bush. Also, sadly, this is the douche bag that used deceptively edited videos to launch the entire Congressional GOP to destroy ACORN/Al Qaeda and got the Dems to go along because they're pussies.

  38. SilverFox

    As the GOP rewards freaks and hacks who spend their 20s kicking poors and being social misfits – all for the glory of St. Ronnie (see Grover Norquists, Rove, etc.) – we will likely see him down the road as special adviser to the Palin-Rand Paul administration. Weee!

  39. SheriffRoscoe

    The list is suspiciosly lacking in products which inhibit the premature and unwelcome ejaculation process from occuring immediately upon insertion. I'm tempted to call bullshit on the story for that reason.

  40. EdFlintstone

    James your making this way too easy for us. Yeah guys nothing impresses the chicks more than seeing you have porno mags, dildos, handcuffs, ceiling mirrors and your young and need boner pills. Yeah that night is gonna end well. By well of course I mean your going to tape yourself spanking it to Rick James.

    1. Ducksworthy

      Some vials of penicillin and bottles of the antiretroviral drug cocktail to show the he had the syphilis and aids under control would have impressed her about as much.

  41. SecretMuslin

    As a relatively attractive blonde female human, I take particular umbrage at Mr O'Keefe's insinuation that having both blonde hair and a vagina makes someone an idiot. He has neither and is quite obviously a retard.

  42. gurukalehuru

    Now, I'm no lawyer, but in light of the fact that James O'Keefe is still on probation after the Mary Landrieu fuckup, shouldn't he be cooling his heels in the iron bar hotel about now?

  43. petehammer

    Had she actually gone on the boat, I think she'd have a pretty good sexual harassment lawsuit against Project Veritas. It happened on company time, for the purpose of "business."

    I give it two years before cops discover bodies of teenage girls around this guy's house.

  44. GOPCrusher

    James O'Keefe is one person that deserves to be beaten to within an inch of his miserable life, and the video posted on You Tube.

  45. ttommyunger

    This pencil-neck pussyfart couldn't rape a piss ant. If he's got rape on his mind he'd better find some quadruple paraplegic or he'll wind up getting his ass kicked, which he sorely needs anyway. If only I could buy this little jizz stain for what he's worth and sell him for what he THINKS he's worth.

  46. JMPEsq

    The thing is, James, I'm pretty sure I know where you got the idea that this was a surefire method to seduce a woman, having seen some of them myself; what you have understand (and I thought was obvious) is that the women are actually professional porn stars, they're not really just picking up some random girl off the streets.

  47. FidoMcCokefiend

    Is it wrong that I continue to try and figure out exactly what the "punk" part of this would have been were he successful? I mean, what's the best case scenario for this derpmagnet? "DERP CNN ON BOAT WITH DILDOS!"? That's the "punk"?

    I say this with 100% of my being. I have never in my 40 years on earth punched another human being. Were James O'Keefe to walk down the street, I would punch in right in the throat. Repeatedly. With a brick.

    1. aisai

      I believe the plan was for Mr. Sexual predator to seduce her with his 'sexual charms' and dildos and the PUNK her by rejecting her like the cool, suave heartbreaker that he is.

      Basically the plan relied on O'Keefe being in any way likeable.

    2. axmxz

      I guess he thought that the interview was so important to CNN that they were going to broadcast it live? And then get majorly embarazados on air, from all the dildos? For a self-proclaimed "video activist," he really doesn't seem to have a clue how TV works.

  48. Redhead

    Sounds like someone's pissed he couldn't get a real job at CNN, the New York Times or the National Enquirer.

  49. qwerty42

    What a creep this guy is. I don't see a happy ending for him. He's got … uh … "issues" and they are not being resolved. The Graybar Hotel might help with that …

  50. mumbly_joe

    Therefore, this is why CNN should not employ women. They’re too liable to want to fuck James O’Keefe.

    And yet, they employ Ewick Erickson. Double-standard, much?!

  51. reliefsinn

    Who needs all that stuff to have sex anyway? What is it with kids these days?
    AND WHY is this little s&&t still walking around free, when poor David Kernell, who hacked someone's yahoo(?) password, is facing 15-21 months in jail?
    Oh, Mr. O'Keefe, Doris Day called, she wants her curly lamb jacket back.

  52. assistantatlas

    Did anyone else think it was weird that a 24-year-old would need Viagra? And also, did anyone else think this might just be some sort of pathetic cry for help?

    I know, me neither…

  53. comrad_darkness

    What the hell good is the homeland security act and the crazy ass executive powers bush left obama with if this fuckstain gets to walk the damn streets?

  54. nachoproblem

    Okay, I'm just confused. Which way was this scenario supposed to play out?

    A) Lady goes to interview ACORN hack kid, agrees to meet him on his boat, upon entering the boat, is filmed having an awkward conversation with Tardling as she surveys his furry fetish lair, and to conclude the interview he reveals, with a flourish, "Aha! Silly lamestream librul, you wanted to interview an important public person, yet I tricked you into interviewing an obviously desperate jackass, which is me!"

    B) Lady goes to interview ACORN hack kid, catches sight of his sticky toy collection and prominent camera crap, and immediately thinks to herself, "Oho! So not only do I get to interview a walking internet meme, I get to have teh sexytime with him too. And no one will ever know!"

    C) Lady goes to interview ACORN hack kid, he rapes the shit out of her, and then distributes evidence of himself committing a violent crime, with the subtext, "Look! Librul mediuhz are so silly because I rapeded one."

    My brain now feels so ucky I simply am not up to the task of analyzing which, if any of these, is at all probable or makes any damn sense. So yeah, I can pretty much believe this is the face of Young Conservatism.

    EDIT: Oh wait, I forgot,

    D) The same as A) except he edits the footage until it becomes something like Homer Simpson saying, "Sweet… sweet… CAN!!!" Based on his past work, it is obviously that one.

    God, kill us now. We all suck.

  55. Tim

    Why does a twenty five year old need viagra to be with such a good looking woman? Is James hiding something? It's his partner that would need something – he's seriously ugly.

  56. NorthStarSpanx

    O'Keefe, Conservative Activist. Bristle the Pistol, Teen Advocate. Gingrich, Values Voter. Sarah Palin, Iconic Image of Maternal Love. Christine O'Donnell, model of Fiscal Responsibility and the Frigid Motherless Shrew also represents too, American Family Values.

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