dreams can come true

Mich. Assistant AG Has Awkward, Sexually Charged TeeVee Talk

Everyone needs a hobby!Andrew Shirvell is Michigan’s assistant attorney general, a University of Michigan alum, and absolutely 100 percent heterosexual, according to his Facebook page, which lists one of his interests as “Finding the Right Lady” and includes a picture of him touching a human female! While he’s not busy assisting the real attorney general, he does normal, straight-guy stuff, like “building up the kingdom” and maintaining his obsessive blog about the University of Michigan’s student body president, who is gay. Nothing weird about that, no sir!

OK, maybe it’s a little weird? But whatever, it totally worked to achieve its true purpose, which was to get a coveted interview on Anderson Cooper’s show. Do you like watching creepy, awkward dudes who may not be entirely comfortable with certain secret aspects of their lives squirm and roll their eyes a lot while a conversation with a handsome, silver-haired news anchor doesn’t quite go as planned? Then this video is for you, friend! (Skip ahead to 2:50 or so for the actual interview.)

“It appears, though, that you’re obsessed with this young gay man,” says Anderson! The whole thing is pretty much as sexy and terrifying as you might guess, based on that one quote. It’s like a John Irving novel encapsulated in a 10-minute YouTube video featuring a prematurely balding mid-level state government functionary. (Thanks to Wonkette hero operative “Nick” for the tip!) [YouTube/Facebook]

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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

Hola wonkerados.

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134 comments

      1. blixtophel

        But we did enshrine in our constitution that same sex people can't be married, so of course he needs the 'right' woman….

    1. second_gen

      Don't let your heart bleed too much. He's anti-gay too, and defended the Anti-marriage equality amendment and had public employee benefits ended for same sex couples. Cox is just embarrassed that Shrivel is so "out" about his views.

  1. JoshuaNorton

    Like Maher said last week. "If you have more to say about anyone being gay other than 'who cares', then YOU'RE gay."

    Me thinks they all protest waaaaay too much.

  2. freakishlywrong

    Fuck gaydar going to 11, this jizz repository sent it to terabytes.
    And my creepdar as well. Too. Also. ICK.

  3. Troubledog

    He first tried to lure Anderson Cooper into a "one-on-one" interview, on a boat filled with lube and dildos, but no Marvin Gaye. That would be too formulaic.

  4. Serolf_Divad

    Oh man, I can't see the video or Facebook (blocked at work) but the blog is… fucking.. creepy:

    And, to all my vicious, anti-Christian detractors out there, including the Jones brothers and Armstrong's other crazed supporters, I have a message for you all: this watch site is here to stay. Get use to it.

    I have done NOTHING immoral OR illegal. Sadly, the same cannot be said for Armstrong and his fellow radical homosexual activists and "allies." As Isaiah rightly prophesied: "Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness . . ." (5:20).

    This Concerned Michigan Alumnus would rather go homeless and sleep on the street than give-up my First Amendment rights to freedom of expression and religion.

    "Never Underestimate the Motivation of a True Believer." Got it? Good!

    1. prommie

      That there is what you call your internal dramatic fantasy in which you are the bold crusader for right, bravely withstanding the slings and arrows of the sinners and lesser beings who assail you from all sides, enduring a brave martyrdom for the true cause, knowing that in the end you will prevail and be acclaimed as God's own hero and champion.

      Oh, he's more than just a self-hating closet case, he's another narcissistic personality disorder type, right there with O'Keefe.

      He should move to Uganda, he could be their anti-gay Torquemada, rooting out fags and bringing them to justice, that'd be right up his alley.

    2. Terry

      I was raised a nice Catholic girl and I swear that these people must have been raised in a parallel universe Evil Church or something. We had bake sales and made food baskets for poor people in our area. I don't recall EVER hearing anti-gay stuff in our Parish. I'm thinking that this guy and all like him should be forced to wear pointy goatees in the precedent established in Star Trek.

      1. transfatz

        Through his faults, through his faults, through his most grievous faults. Espiritu santorum. Amen.
        The parallel universe of Altar Boy.

    3. undeadgoat

      Well he has now friends-locked his livejournal, so I guess that technically counts as "here to stay"? Whateverz dude, national media attention actually did break you. Srry.

  5. BaldarTFlagass

    Like I said a few days back during the latest DADT brouhaha, you don't have to ask, because you can just tell.

  6. loquacioustunes

    With a last name like "Shrivel," I'd imagine that most of his talks are awkward and sexually charged.

  7. Badonkadonkette

    I'll bet anyone $1 Shirvell spent his youth running up to little boys on the playground, pulling their hair, and running away. And by "youth," I mean "20s."

  8. Ruhe

    When you're a heterosexual male teenager the phrase "looking for the right lady" means "my molars are practically floating in testosterone and I need to find a female of any age and condition who is willing to have sex with me right now." When your a male in the prime of your professional life and you use that same phrase it parses out a bit differently, i.e., "right lady" equals "beard that fits my face".

    1. Steverino247

      I guess it's a good thing I married the right lady, then. Your explanation makes clear that sensation I've had from time to time. Now my wife won't laugh when I tell her I'm so horny my teeth hurt.

    1. tribbzthesquidz

      I'm liberal with the "foller" button once I feel comfortable with somebody, sexually that is.
      I know people are hesitant to look uncool by digging in to our new IntenseDebate thingy. I don't ever look cool anyway so I don't keer.

    2. Dashboard_Jesus

      oh, oh,oh…I'm a 'follower' of you now too, but don't worry, I'm definitely NOT gay! (just don't look behind you ok, I get embarrassed when 'outed'! :)

    1. TheInternet

      The picture also looks like what would happen if Pee Wee Herman had uptight conservative parents who made him go to law school.

      Well, not just the picture. The story, too.

    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      well 'never mind' to you too my Buddha buddy…BTW, did you notice how many times his beady little eyes rolled up to the heavens every time he was confronted with his stalkin'?!

  9. TheInternet

    One of this guy's Facebook interests is "Bill Schuette for Attorney General."

    Which might explain: "Michigan Attorney General Mike Cox has declined to comment directly about Shirvell’s comments, saying he is pursuing legal action against the civil servant, who works on the blog during his off-hours."

  10. Tommmcatt

    I'm not watching that video. I work with Disney executives, so I've seen enough repressed homosexuality to last me a lifetime.

  11. prommie

    The eye-rolling, thats some coded bigotry for his freinds and well-wishers, its his way of saying "oh yeah, but you're a fag" to everything Anderson says to him. Dude is as fucked up as O'Keefe. I want to fucking kick these sociopaths in the nuts when they get so fucking full of themselves that they think they can piss on your leg and tell you its raining, and you'll never catch them because they are so smart.

    Dubya Bush had this one moment for which he should rot in hell, in a televised ceremony on MLK day, Corretta King presents him with a portrait, a painting, of MLK. Bush takes it, smirks, and says "Thank you. I can't wait to HANG IT." And then he snickers and smirks. Heh heh, I made a secret joke, noone will get it, heh heh. Thats the same shit this dude is doing with the eye-rolling. "Look at this faggot calling me wierd, he he."

    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      man, that's EXACTLY what I noticed, all the eye-rollin', back and to the left, back and to the left (that's how how you can tell folks is lyin' by which direction their eyes is rollin'!)

    2. problemwithcaring

      I hate the "I am sensing anger" thing, i.e. the meme that the reason that gay rights can't move forward in this country is because gay people are so shrill and angry about their rights. "Any student of political campaigns can understand why I am trying to ruin the life of a 21 year college student, but your imperceptibly small amount of anger in response completely confuses me!!"

  12. imissopus

    I have done NOTHING immoral OR illegal.

    Immoral or illegal, probably not. But creepy and obviously self-loathing? Most definitely.

  13. Fare la Volpe

    "Among other things, Shirvell has published blog posts that accuse Armstrong of going back on a campaign promise he made to minority students; engaging in "flagrant sexual promiscuity" with another male member of the student government; sexually seducing and influencing "a previously conservative [male] student" so much so that the student, according to Shirvell, "morphed into a proponent of the radical homosexual agenda;" hosting a gay orgy in his dorm room in October 2009; and trying to recruit incoming first year students "to join the homosexual 'lifestyle.' "

    Listen to the dongthirst just a-dripping from Shirvell's mouth. Gurl's just so damn jealous of Chris gettin' some she dunno what do wit herself.

    1. JMPEsq

      And so what's he done that's actually immoral and illegal? As a lawyer Shirvell should have heard about that Lawrence v Texas case a few years back.

    2. Terry

      "sexually seducing and influencing "a previously conservative [male] student" so much so that the student, according to Shirvell, "morphed into a proponent of the radical homosexual agenda;" "

      Maybe Shirvell's gentleman friend left him for the college kid.

      1. JMPEsq

        In other words, helping a self-loathing closet case come out and get over the self-hatred; um, Mr. Shirvell, that is an undeniably moral act.

  14. seppdecker

    I'm having flashbacks to Ted Haggard in Jesus Camp. Also, Anderson, Shirvell is so obviously NOT a "grown man." Check back in ten years, when he moves in with sugar-daddy Ken Mehlman.

  15. Billmatic

    It's really hard to have a winning argument on a serious blog when you use extensive screencaps of your enemies' facebook posts to accuse them of, from what I can glean, being radical homosexuals. How can you possibly be a radical homosexual without a skateboard or something?

    http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_P3q12eyoQ0g/THF3SORd48I

    He's not mocking God he's mocking the fact that PEOPLE ARE MAKING UP QUOTES AND ATTRIBUTING THEM TO GOD!??!?! How is that not obvious? Why does this make people so mad, especially when they trumpet the first amendment constantly?

      1. Billmatic

        I haven't seen a lot of Facebook screens of normal college people being declared dangerous and intolerant radicals on this site.

        1. undeadgoat

          I know a lot of normal college people, if I had time I could probably frame most/all of them of being dangerous & intolerant radicals. For example, they aren't homophobic.

  16. natoslug

    Wow. I love his justification for being a complete fuckhead — "I'm not the only one to criticize Chris, I'm not the first person to criticize Chris." So, as long as someone is the victim of group harrassment, it's all cool? Got it. There's gotta be a group of gay commandos somewhere near this guy that can beat some sense into him . . .

  17. freakishlywrong

    Keep an eye out for suicides in Michigan this week, where the victim is found to be a mid-level public servant with a Chinese dry-wall dido stuck up his ass.

  18. lowaltflier

    “Finding the right lady” can mean many things to many people.
    Like finding the right picture on a porn sight.

    1. JMPEsq

      The right lady is obviously a self-loathing closeted lesbian, with whom he can maintain a mutual fake marriage for social purposes while not having to deal with that kind of sex they don't really want.

      Oh, Christine, there's someone I'd like to introduce you to…

  19. OneYieldRegular

    Speaking as one who, more than than 25 years ago, actually lived in a gender neutral university dormitory (including gender neutral restrooms and showers, much to my visiting aunt's shock and awe), I'm pretty sure that the "radical agenda" pushed by Satan's Michigan State Third Reich Representative already reached its heyday around the time Mr. Creepy was in diapers.

  20. edgydrifter

    Anderson Cooper used that interview to politely mark his turf. Chris Armstrong is HIS, bitches, so step off if you know what's best for you.

  21. twogoats

    I got another confusion here. He says that the Satanic radical homosexual agenda is to allow gender neutral housing, "where anyone of any gender can live with anyone else of any gender." That is MORE gay than the old system where all the guys showered together? WTF? I can't even follow this crap anymore.

    1. Preferred Customer

      That's an excellent point.

      It's sort of like the conservatives who want to keep clubs male-only. Why would anyone want that? What, exactly, is the objection to hanging around with women? I have to say, as an open and practicing heterosexual, I generally find the company of women to be quite pleasant. Desirable, even. Not sure why I'd just want to hang out with a bunch of dudes.

  22. BornInATrailer

    If Sasha Baron Cohen's "Straight Dave" character shaved and went to law school, this would be the result.

  23. Eve8Apples

    I suspect somewhere in his basement, he has stored a wetsuit, a couple of dildoes, a jar of vaseline, a whip and lots of child pornography.

  24. Terry

    His search for "the right lady" is going to be a difficult one in that he requires that she both be a conservative Catholic and have a penis.

  25. elviouslyqueer

    Andrew, Andrew, Andrew… So Chris turned you down when you propositioned him on Mandate. Geez, move on, already.

  26. Rambone

    I fear that we libtards will be hoisted by our collective petard when Andy Shrivel claims that his asinine behavior results from his ego-dystonic homosexuality thereby entitling him to bring discrimination claims against the state on the basis of both his sexual orientation and disability.

  27. TanzbodenKoenig

    This guy is insane. Also totally gay and displacing his self hate onto this kid he probably wants to bump uglies with.

  28. DashboardBuddha

    I showed this vid to a gay friend of mine. His gaydar pinged so hard he collapsed. I think he was just trying to get me to give him mouth to mouth, though.

    (It won't work Stephen…stop trying)

  29. tiger_tree

    Wow, the editing on that tape was rather obvious. You could hear the continuity breaks in Shervell's audio especially. Wonder what got left out.

  30. MLite

    Maybe Anderson can have a follow up interview where this freak can answer all of his questions, even those related to his FORMER job.

  31. EdFlintstone

    I never had gaydar but now I think I do. Writing on pictures of faces? That's from page 1 of Gayness by Perez Hilton.

  32. ttommyunger

    Not saying either one of them is gay, couldn't care less, but I betcha they both would hold one between their teeth 'till the swelling went down.

  33. DemonicRage

    The sound doesn't work on your embedded clip. Went to Youtube to view it. This is amazing. Like a 10 minute long horror movie. What is it that's out there in "Heartland Amerika?" Babbot lives!

  34. PuckStopsHere

    How'd this guy get hired? Easy. He shares the core beliefs/values of the man who hired him: Michigan Attorney General Mike Cox. Cox. He, he. Kinda fitting now that I think of it.

  35. SaintRond

    He's awfully gay, in a really stomach churning kind of way. But the thing that jumps out is, I think maybe he's a potential mass murderer too, which for me kind of overshadows the gay thing in a real big way.

    I think he's a guy who could go out and shoot people at McDonalds. So fuck his sexism and bigotry – there's way more things to worry about with this cocksucker than that. Way more.

    1. zhubajie

      Remember John Wayne Gacy? Fucking teen-age runaway boys, then killing them and burying them under his house? Remember his cover as a middle class burbie businessman, with a wife etc.?Posting

  36. Tim

    I'm obsessed with several young gay men, but I tend to keep it to myself, 'cuz of the age difference. Oh, and BTW, the guy Shirvell is a flaming queen. God, Christians fuck people up.

    Oh and Anderson, what's with that shirt?

  37. williamsboi

    the irony gets richer: dude also lists "life is too short to stress yourself with people who don't even deserve to be an issue in your life" as one of his "likes" on facebook!

  38. CthuNHu

    It sure doesn't include Emily Post, or a dictionary.

    At 6:20 — "As an astute observer of political campaigns for many years, you know that these kinds of tactics are part for the course."

    So, we got the whole "stalking the gay guy" thing. You're a closet case.

    And we got the whole shrugging off incredibly vicious political smears as no biggie thing. You're an utterly vicious sociopathic asshole.

    And now, just to top it off, you say "part for the course." We get it. You're a fucking moron.

    Vicious closeted sociopathic moron asshole.

    When you die and go to your eternal reward, Roy Cohn will have to listen for a week after he craps before he hears it splat on your head.

  39. Dashboard_Jesus

    holy crap, have you ever tried to READ the 'Catechism of the Catholic Church'? I grew up Catholic and can't even begin to tell you what a load of bullshit that is! The first time I heard some Catholic religion teacher use the word 'catachetical' in class I started scooting towards the exit door!

  40. One_who_wanders

    I see that his FB page is no longer accessible – such a brave Christian soldier. Standing up to those ghey radicals and their allies. So how you liking your own petard?

  41. simplyblue7

    Clearly Mr. Shirvell's sexual advances were probably rejected. Perfectly understandable. If I were to be rejected by a good looking representative of satan, I'd protest outside their house too. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a gay nazi fantasy I must fullfil.

  42. undeadgoat

    I'm pretty sure that dude just said "There is nothing gayer than a lady and a dude sleeping in the same room, in college."

    Umm. Usually when I'm being gay, in college, there is ANOTHER LADY in the bedroom.

  43. neiltheblaze

    HA HA I misread this guy's name as "Shrivel" and thought he had had penile dimension problems. HA HA HA. Though – he probably does, actually.

  44. Thedongsofwar

    I like how the rainbow Nazi flag scrawled on the picture has an arrow pointing to Armstrong. Just in case the message of the piece is not clear enough.

Comments are closed.