There’s pretty much only one thing America’s broken system of governance can do anymore, and that is Protect The Children. This is why all children by law must be strapped into car safety seats and wear helmets at all times, but the minute they turn 18 they will be kicked out into a hellscape of economic despair and left with no choice but to sign up for one of America’s many deadly wars. Thus, America’s toymakers, who are laboring under a recent law that forced them to stop selling poisonous Chinese-made garbage to children, are trying to work around this onerous regulatory regime by claiming (correctly) that our nation’s grown-ups are immature idiots who play with toys all the time too, and who cares if they die?
So, see, this law that got passed in 2008 says that children’s toys really shouldn’t kill children, ideally, but left it up to some gummint bureaucrats (the “Consumer Product Safety Commission”) to determine what exactly qualifies as a “children’s toy.” Naturally, a bevy of hilariously named industry groups — the “Halloween Industry Association,” the “Handmade Toy Alliance,” etc. — are arguing that if even a single non-child-person squeezes him or herself into a Batman costume, that Batman costume is not a “children’s toy” and therefore can be made out of material so flammable that it spontaneously combusts when exposed to sunlight. (Everyone knows the Batman only fights crime at night, right?)
Here is an important statement from Bill Sells, VP of the Sporting Goods Manufacturers Association:
[An adult can still fantasize about] being Eli Manning and throwing the winning touchdown pass in the Super Bowl with no time left on the clock … The fact that legitimate sporting goods have “play value” or that users have “fun” while using a legitimate sport good is tangential to the well-recognized foundational purposes of these products … [We] take the position that “size” does not matter.
Do you get that? An adult can still “fantasize” and have “fun” when using a “toy” and “size” doesn’t matter. In other words, your dildo is probably made out of toxic drywall.
The five members of the Consumer Product Safety Commission have largely been unable to come to any kind of agreement on what’s a children’s toy and what isn’t, obviously, so it’s probably best to just have your kids remain absolutely motionless in front of the television until you hear that this has all been sorted out. [NYT]
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Today we are all anatomically correct inflatables
The manufacturers seem to have it a little backwards; the law is supposed to apply to toys children may use, not ones that are exclusively used by children, which these days don't exist, many adults have say an extensive Transformers collection. And there's nothing wrong with that (don't judge me!).
I won't judge if you'll just back me up that my Count Dooku authentic replica lightsaber was totally not a waste of money at all because it accrues so much collectors' value. It's an investment, mother, jeez.
Especially given how beloved the prequel movies are.
Pfft, the basement nerds old enough to remember the original trilogy won't even be alive by the time this baby is ripe for sellin'. But those little snot-noses growing up on The Clone Wars will think it's gold. What's that? A treasured memento from your childhood you say? These things don't come cheap~
I know this is a radical idea, but is it really so wrong to ask that manufacturers not go out of their way to poison or kill us in ways we don't expect? I understand if I take up smoking, my lungs will fall out eventually, and my current drinking isn't doing wonders for my liver, but should I really expect to be taking my life into my own hands every time I put on my Barney costume, light the Roman candles strapped to my back and slide down a power line?
What about the companies who make ladders who have to specifically tell people not to balance on one foot on the top step while juggling running chainsaws?
If the ladder is built in a safe manner, the company should not be held responsible for the dumb-assery done upon it. On the other hand, the manufacturer of the vacuum cleaner I stuck my penis in last week REALLY should have included a warning label on their product, dammit!
That must have sucked.
I used to work at a restaurant with a gigantic Irish-Chinese rugby player who occasionally stuck his dick in the vacuum cleaner when he got drunk. I also caught him fucking a tub of ice cream at work once. Now he's all grown up and is a college English professor.
With the lead, since it's poisonous if eaten, I think the assumption is that kids are stupid enough to chew on their toys and poison themselves, while adults are not. Of course, most of the lawmakers who wrote the ban must have observed Sarah Palin in 2008 which should have taught them many adults are that dumb.
it's getting "closer and closer" to "pitchforks and torches" time. but since we "don't have" pitchforks and torches in this "country" anymore, we'll just have to "make do" with "small arms" and "molotov cocktails."
not to be "inciting" anyone to any "violence," now.
Word.
And we wouldn't want anyone to fantasize about requiring every member of the the "Halloween Industry Association" to wear one of their tiny, uncomfortable costumes and unbreathable masks when they receive their sentence in front of the People's Tribunal.
Hey, they've got a perfectly cromulent argument; since a lot of adults dress up for Halloween, costumes are not children's products and therefore none of them should be covered under child safety regulations.
The ones scaled for someone three feet tall? They could also be worn by dwarfs.
I think voting thumbs down on comments and blogs is the pitchforks and torches of today….
It's just a matter of time before there's a trade association and affiliated lobbyists that will lead the push to deregulate the harvest-your-eyeballs-while-you-sleep industry.
Once a few targeted ads run during halftime, explaining how regulating this industry is a sure-fire jobs killer* – during a recession, no less – 6 Democratic senators will immediately get on board with the deregulation. After the campaign donations clear, of course.
* Not just eye harvesters themselves, but people to build and operate the machines that liquify your peepers into an all-purpose gel that is great for filling the cores of custom, limited edition golf balls. Also, Slurpees.
Personally, I'm waiting for the OK for corporations to start organ harvesting. This will allow valuable assets (kidneys, livers, hearts) to be transferred from unproductive segments of society (workers) to the more deserving, productive segments (executives). Plus, it will reduce unemployment in the long run.
Hell, I believe there are some Randians who want to legalize organ selling (sadly this is not a joke).
You are correct.
http://stossel.blogs.foxbusiness.com/2010/03/19/h...
Just plop 'em in front of the teevee with an endless supply of double downs and fries, and voila, the next generation of tea-baggers has been created.
"Size" does not matter? Another needle dick outs himself.
That water was cold!
"Size" does indeed matter, asshole. I, as a grown adult would look like a bear in the circus on an appropriately sized child's bike.
But, living in Floriduh, you see tons of adults on tricycles. Doesn't make it right.
That's not the worst of what you can see in Florida. Not by a long shot.
If it vibrates and/or has 'Wonkette fanclub buttsecs simulator' stamped on it, then it is not a children's toy.
And Trucknutz (also).
Wonkette fanclub buttsecs simulator
This needs to be added to the Wonkette store pronto. I'll even order two, so long as they come in fuchsia.
This kind of bureaucratic interference with the invisible hand of the market is exactly why I gift only firearms to children.
Here's an interesting tidbit: Shotgun shells make excellent pacifiers!
I dunno about Bill Sells, but when I'm fantasizing about Eli Manning "throwing me a touchdown pass" to my end zone, size totally matters.
If the rumors are true, you're probably fantasizing about the wrong Manning.
I work for a company that makes toys for dogs, and everything we make (even when it's made in China) is completely toxin-free and exceeds the standards for kids toys. And we're a mass marketer concerned with the bottom line. Why can't these asshole toymakers just make sure there isn't fucking lead in everything? It isn't that tough.
Because dogs are special. The toy section at PetSmart will bear me out.
Srsly, our health care systems goals should be modeled after the health care for my dog. She got sick, the vet saw her within an hour, the medicine was available right there at the vet's and I paid in cash.
That picture looks like Tigger and Pedo Bear had a child.
Believe it or not, he's the bad guy in Toy Story III.
You gotta fight
For your right
To poooooiiiiiiiison
That's why when I have kids, I'm going to teach them how to push a millstone and pull a plow right at the get-go. Everyone agrees that having kids work in your factory or on your farm is completely safe.
Ah, the good ol’ days. All that lead I chewed off my toys didn’t affect me one bit after all those years. Here I am today, commenting on Wonkette. How much more normal can one get?
Mostly True Story!
As a child, I had a lead casting set. I had an electric pot that would melt lead ingots and then I would pour then into molds to create various lead solders. I got some pretty good burns from the molten lead. Good times. Good times. I turned out just fine other than being border line retarded, mild seizures, tremors, headaches, nose bleeds, coughing, excessive nose hair, grumpiness, liberalism, constipation….
Glad to see that it didn't affect you none.
Other, Entirely True Story!
When I was a kid I had a 'chemistry set' that almost certainly was comprised exclusively of PCBs, mercury compounds and heavy metals. Seriously, you could not 'play' with that thing without getting burning eyes and/or painful skin welts.
It was great!
Of course you mixed everything in the set, all together, all at once and heated it up to see what happened. Directions are for whimps.
Curiosity did not kill the cat. It was science!
-No animals where harmed in the scratching of this post.
I played with molten lead and paints and solvent and mercury switches and soldering irons and welding torches and all sorts of dangerous and hazardous things growing up. I think you have to be a moron to begin with to play with these things in a fashion that kills you. Aside from 2-yr olds who put everything in their mouth, f you have to tell Johnny not to eat paint or to take the CO2 container out of his ass, there's probably already a fatal flaw.
Oh yeah. 8th grade shop class, Mr. Eight Fingers decided to teach us about industry, so we melted lead and poured it into jig molds for fishing lures. Nothing like the aroma of molten lead to harken me back to the halycon days of my misspent youth.
Irwin Mainway gives two thumbs up.
Who doesn't love a bag of glass?
Invisible Pedestrian remains my favorite, as well as Johnny Human Torch.
Just one second. "Fantasize," "fun," "toy," and "size" all get scare quotes, but "take the position" doesn't?
They like for you to start off the process relaxed. Fungible. Almost…innocent in your own way. That way they can construct a narrative for the cameras.
Here's what confuses me; one of the lobbying groups claims they represent American toy manufactures that haven't had the problems with lead contamination the Chinese-made toys have had. I find it hard to believe that there still is toy manufucturing, in fact manufacturing period, still occurring here.
Just wait until Pristine O'Donell is senator.
The government will be all over that penis. And by "all over" I mean watching closely that you don't touch it.
Does any of this mean I can finally get a Cinderella watch sized for my grown-up lady wrist?
Life's dream is within reach…crafting and selling lawn darts made from recycled syringes.
Bill Sells hasn't watched Eli Manning play since Feb 3, 2008 apparently.
That was a tough game to watch, with the Patriots being so insufferable as to make me root for the fucking Giants. Ugh.
I'm a Giants fan so it still gives me giddy glee to think about Eli of all people evading the rush and heaving a pass down field to David Tyree…hehe 18-1.
Looks like my shipping container full of Johnny Human Torch costumes is going to pay off after all!
"Now with added realism!"
So do the Nerf guns now come with a poisonous frog, or do you have to buy them separate?
Shit, the Association lobbyists have to yell at the referees every now and then to show their bosses that they are earning their salaries, is all thats going on. Government regulation, government fines, these things aren't so bad, compared to the brutal, sadistic ass-raping that the class-action lawyers will give ya, if you dare to make your product out of any corporeal "substance" of any kind. The only safe toy, is an imaginary toy, everything else can kill you, if you eat enough of it.
OK, I'm a confirmed librul, but if the gubber-mint starts putting it's paws on my model trains, I'm voting for Sarah Palin for queen.
So, these Halloween Costume companies, do they sell "Robin-the Boy-Wonder" costumes? Do you think a smaller adult male, maybe a Filipino guy, lets say, just for argument, would fit into one? Are they expensive? Do they zip up or button up?
Just wondering, for the science, you know.
So, by this logic, if adults play with Cardinal Neuman's dick, it's OK if kids do, too?
How about a Toys For Right Wing Tots program–they have so much time to play around…
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/09/29/james-ok...
There's a chartreuse green toxic lagoon you can see just west of the Garden State Parkway, on the south bank of the Raritan River. Its the site of a factory owned by a company called "National Lead." They made paint pigment there, out of something called "white lead." My dad worked on a project there, and one day, he took me with him to the plant to pick up his paycheck. So we drive onto the site, there are a bunch of buildings and pipes and trucks and thingies, but what struck me was that the place looked like an explosion in a bakery, this fine white dust everywhere, like flour, everything was white, like it had snowed. And all the workers were completely covered, too, completely white from head to foot covered with powdered white lead, except their eyes and mouths. No respirators or goggles or anything. Fun times.
Blah blah Blabby Boss, just play it. Gawd, I hate these acoustic sets from "Nebraska." Wake me up when Clarence and Max come back out.
Then he took me to the gypsy lady, see, and my dad said, "whats he gonna be when he grows up?" And the gypsy lady said, "you're gonna go bald, and try to cover it up with an elaborately styled comb-forward." And then dad drank a six-pack and told me I should join the army.
The whole is-it-a-child's-toy-or-not question can be solved by simply making child's toys exempt from sales tax. Or adding a VAT to non-child toys. You want to sell your product cheaply, obey the toxicity rules, if not, be priced out of the market.
Actually, scrub that. How about adults get the same protection from toxic toys as children do? Then the problem goes away.
I am at this moment being forced to watch an adam lambert video.
coincidence?
How's that working out for you?
She doesn't think it's too big anymore.
Success!
The lobbyists collect members of Congress like Treasure Troll dolls.
So that's how they get their daily requirement of poison rat dicks?
Oh, Jesus… I remember this movie when it was about how it's just so darned impossible to distinguish an assault rifle from an apple pie. Glad to see the toy industry has mastered the art of sophistry by studying the methods of the gun industry. Maybe the two can just join forces and start marketing a line of .22 caliber Mikey Mouse themed pistols for toddlers.
This is great news for the makers of Happy Fun Ball.
If that's what you're wearing to this year's 34th Annual Wonkette Halloween Extravaganza Par Excellence, toxic off-gassing will be the least of your problems once the drinks tray is on its 8th trip round the room ('bout 10am-ish).
Look, you libtardigans, it is simple. When the manufacturers of, say, "Not Really Toxic Dildoz for Kids" are ultimately outed for killing adult people who shoved their devices into their poo places and then died, outed by our ever diligent and totally effective investigative journalist industry, then the invisible hand of the market will invisibly step in and fix everything, by resurrecting those dead buttplugger people, and smiting the Dildo makers with bad star reviews on Amazon.
At the very least, there needs to be severe limits on liability litigation awards, should families of the deceased think they are owed anything. I mean, the invisible hand has already provided for these sick fucks anyways, you know? Or would have, had you librat dumbshits with your socialistic regulations not been destroying the invisible hand's ability to work its miracles. Thus it is you who are killing people (poisoned assplay victims).
Love the photo of the Ed Asner fuzzy!
Consumer Product Safety Commission=Provider of reach-arounds to manufacturers.
Christine O'Donnell.
If we had a "National Sharpen Your Pencils Day," every year a few dozen people would lose an eye.
Thanks…back atcha!!!!
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