California Über Alles

Liveblogging the Jerry Brown-Meg Whitman Heat-Wave Death Match

Day of the Locust.Should we liveblog the Jerry v. Meg death match? Well, we just held an election on Twitter and we won with 99.7% of the vote! So join us at 6PM California Death-Heat Time for the California Gov Debate, starring the Jedi monk Jerry Brown (of California’s famous 1970s) and that person whose face is on every commercial and Internet ad, because she is literally spending hundreds of MILLIONS of dollars to run for governor of a bankrupt state everybody is fleeing, Meg Whitman (of the 1990s Dot-Com bubble).

As an experiment, this post is going to use Hollywood Magic to transform from a pre-debate statement of intent to liveblog into the actual liveblog, at 6PM Pacific and 9PM Eastern. There is no way in Hell you will want to miss this! California leads the nation in Trends, after all! (Those trends are bankruptcy, natural and man-made disasters, both gay-marriage laws and anti-gay marriage laws, impossibly fat illiterate children everywhere, collapsing infrastructure, unemployment, residential and commercial real estate foreclosures, and BMI/tattoo ratios.

Let’s use California time, for an appropriate novelty-style change.

4:20 PM — Ha ha, it is time to smoke our marijuana, see you at 6PM just like we said.
6:00 PM — “LIVE … FACE TO FACE ….” ABC 7 is your Southern California warblog station and you can watch it also at abc7.com.
6:02 PM — Answers will be less than 90 seconds, rebuttals will be less than 30 seconds, so nobody watching this will be able to follow the answers or rebuttals.
6:03 PM — After all these wonderful Internet remnant ads, here’s Meg in the (video) flesh!
6:03 PM — Wow she’s terrible.
6:04 PM — She’s going to attack welfare and government! And this is how, uh, she’s going to help the unemployed.
6:05 PM — Jerry Brown has become a funny old Jewish man from the Bronx.
6:06 PM — “I know a lot of things.” — Jerry Brown, 9/28/2010
6:06 PM — Now Meg Whitman is … oh lord she’s just going to recite talking points she so painstakingly practiced. This is going to be another one of those rebates: One person tries to have a debate, for good or ill, and the other reads things off her mental hand.
6:07 PM — We are also typing shit on Twitter if you just can’t get enough shit.
6:09 PM — Please stop the terrible smiling, Meg. You look insane, especially when Jerry Brown is talking about the death penalty.
6:10 PM — So, Jerry Brown is attorney general and he prosecutes death penalty cases even though he says clearly he wishes it wasn’t necessary. And Meg Whitman reads her mental hand notes about how Jerry Brown is a liberal.
6:12 PM — Wow. Who ever thought we’d be saying this, but here goes: We miss the dignity that Arnold Schwarzenegger brought to the GOP race for governor.
6:14 PM — She was Rick Perry the other day!
6:15 PM — It would be interesting for Meg Whitman to explain why all of this Terribleness happened with a Republican governor, and under pretty much a Republican governor every couple of years since Jerry Brown was governor, and also before he was governor, but after his dad was governor. (Reagan was the one between the Browns, hahaha.)
6:17 PM — Interesting: Jerry Brown’s campaign is sending me updates and ready-to-paste quotes by email every few minutes, even though Wonkette waited until what, an hour ago to say we would be doing this Local Liveblogging From California? Nothing from Whitman’s Gazillion Dollar Campaign Operation.
6:19 PM — But maybe Meg’s people are emailing the bloggers in Texas, as she can’t seem to stop talking about that miserable goddamned place.
6:24 PM — Read this comment for other Live Video Stream ideas, as the teevee-station websites seem to not know how to keep this going online.
6:25 PM — What assurances can Jerry Brown give to California that he’s still old and won’t run for president when he’s 80?
6:27 PM — His answer? He is too old to close down the bars in Sacto like he used to do, with Linda Ronstadt.
6:28 PM — Ha ha now Meg Whitman is blaming Jerry Brown as the cause of the 1981-82 Reagan Recession. Why does Meg Whitman poop on the grave of Ronald Reagan all the time?
6:30 PM — Guess which candidate just said “I care about California’s intellectual and civic future.”
6:33 PM — Amy Chance from the SacBee says Internet fact-checking blogs say all of Meg’s ads are lies.
6:34 PM — Meg replies that at least one of her ads actually had a fact in it.
6:36 PM — Whitman stands by her one ad that has a fact in it. Jerry Brown stands by his ad that says Meg Whitman is a lying puppet from a dumb movie.
6:38 PM — Gah, it’s heartbreaking to hear this talk about H. Jarvis and Prop 13, the idiot proto-teabagger bomb thrown at what was once the nation’s finest school system.
6:42 PM — SHE JUST SAID SHE’S GOING TO ELIMINATE SAN FRANCISCO!!!1!
6:45 PM — We wonder if she thinks “You know what?” is her “You betcha.” And then we just hang our head in shame, for her.
6:48 PM — Meg Whitman’s going to “boil the ocean” in Sacramento? Jerry Brown is wary of “shark-infested waters” in San Francisco. Well SF has beaches on the ocean, at least. But still, what are you people talking about?
6:51 PM — LAST QUESTION.
6:51 PM — Water: We don’t have enough! Would Jerry Brown build a new canal to steal all of Northern California’s water so the slobs in LA can hose down their driveways?
6:52 PM — Jerry Brown will try to let people have water.
6:53 PM — That was kind of a “what?” on the Central Valley immigrant kids getting the terrible birth defects, WELL LET YOUR EDITOR TELL YOU, oh dear god, your editor once spent a year working on these cases, with a researcher/doctor in Oakland (Emeryville, actually), and those autopsy pictures will NEVER wash out of the brain, never.
6:54 PM — Meg Whitman is giving a very lovely closing statement. It is horrific to watch.
6:56 PM — “I am a very great believer in the power of many.” Meg keeps saying that. It is … meaningless?
6:56 PM — Jerry Brown just walks around watching people get murdered.
6:58 PM — Yeah and to HELL with Meg Whitman for even jabbering about messing with AB 32, which is a very good thing that’s actually getting “green jobs” to people and good lord do people ever need jobs here, the end.
7:00 PM — THANK YOU FRIENDS, for reading and especially commenting and hanging out. Don’t forget to vote, whenever that happens!
7:07 PM — Oh, and here you go!
Actual photo of California going bankrupt.

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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130 comments

  1. blinky_twinkie

    If I promise to watch the debate and click the live-bloggy, will Meg Whitman then melt into a blond Pinocchio-shaped puddle and disappear forever, never to return? It's not personal. I just hate her and want her to spend all her moneys and then still lose. Because capitalism hooray and also cocktails.

          1. DashboardBuddha

            Ahhh…if only we all could look like we did in our 20s. Except me of course. I have actually gotten better looking over the years. I still look like crap, but you should have seen me then.

  2. natoslug

    Ha! My kids are skinny and literate, and we just moved back INTO California, with jobs. We're such rebels. I feel so superior.

    1. LetUsBray

      I believe she's planning to use the corpse of Howard Jarvis to perform unnatural acts on the people of California

    2. OneDollarJuana

      I just watched "Airplane" with my daughter and wife (who is from Michigan). When Howard Jarvis was abandoned in the cab I tried to explain in between jokes who he was and why it was funny, but had to give up. Besides, it's just too sad what economic terror his philosophy has wreaked upon poor California. Just like the Tim Eyman initiatives here in Washington (look him up).

  3. Steverino247

    I predict the Jerry will beat the living shit out of Meg. He will shove his agenda up her ass and drop talking points until the cameras go click on her sad face.

    Nobody fucks with the Jerry!

    1. V572625694

      Nobody's going to win a mind game contest with a former Jesuit novice, that's for sure. Slice her up, Jerry.

      Cruz Bustamonte: this could have been your night!

      1. Steverino247

        Very true about the Jerry being much better at Jesuit mind tricks. Nobody can turn brains inside out better than they can.

      2. JustPixelz

        Cruz Bustamonte? Either one of those mid-20th century intellectuals. OR, former lieutenant governor who lost to The Arnold and Mary Cary a few years ago.

  4. Texan_Bulldog

    Jesus, the word "nude" should never be in close proximity to Jerry Brown or esp.(!) Meg Whitman. Gahhh…..

      1. Bonzos_Bed_Time

        Interesting factoid: Governor Moonbeam came about because Jerry wanted to use satellite communication between state offices. And of course Republicans, those of the Internet Tube variety, saw no sense in such silliness.

        1. harry_palmer

          I thought Mike Royko named him that. For being a spaced-out Californian (who was boning a hot chick with a gorgeous voice, which Royko took as proof of the absurdity of life).

  5. imissopus

    California let it's Tea Party-adjacent anger get the better of it a few years ago when we recalled our then-Governor Gray Davis and replaced him with the Governator. Now we are collapsing faster than Joan Rivers' face. America beware! This is what you get!

    On the plus side we might legalize weed in a few weeks so none of us are going to notice the Apocalypse anymore.

    1. hooray4anything

      We'd be in the same mess even if Gray Davis was still our Governor. Like most things in life, the downfall all started with Ronald Reagan.

      1. imissopus

        That's probably true about Gray Davis. I was thinking more about giving in to the inchoate I'm-mad-as-hell-and-I'm-not-going-to-take-it-anymore rage of a certain portion of the electorate that does not know what it wants, just that it wants it yesterday and will blame the most visible politician for his failure to give it to them.

        Also the recall movement began with Darrell Issa and his money, much like the Tea Party has the financial backing of wealthy right-wingers. Fool me once, and so forth. Though I know I'm preaching to the converted on Wonkette, unless Harry Tuttle goes for a return engagement.

        1. hooray4anything

          Ah, yes….. the old "I'm going to vote for Jeffrey Dahmer this year to send a message to Washington DC because they haven't gotten the message I sent in the last election when I voted in Harry Potter because I thought his wand would be able to cut government spending."

          Issa, by the way, is already listing the various investigations he's going to start with if the Republicans win. For those of you who miss ACORN conspiracies, well, they could be coming back for a sequel.

      2. OneDollarJuana

        My mom worked for a mental hospital during the Reagan era. She would come home fuming because Reagan was turning the poor mentally-incompetent out into the streets (literally) to save money. Unfortunately, those nuts got elected as Republicans.

    2. zhubajie

      I don't believe it. Puritans are too strong in America to let weed ever be legalized! Probably alcohol prohibition (again!) is more likely. :-(

  6. GuanoFaucet

    Hey Ken, for the liveblogging festivities can you please use that picture of the oompa loompa, the crying rabbit furries, and the person with gunt (fupa?) on the gurney?

    Damn I miss that lovely picture.

          1. OneDollarJuana

            Hmmm. Looks more like a "gutt" to me. Kinda like someone was lying on him and kind of melted in. Except for the rear end.

    1. DashboardBuddha

      On a somewhat serious note – just what the hell IS that picture? What's the story there…costume party, a GOP caucus gone wrong, what?

  7. cymchikster

    Well shit. And me with no pot. I suppose I can open the sliding glass door and breathe deeply. There's bound to be neighbor kids smoking it somewhere around here. I'd befriend them, but I can't stand kids. I could hardly wait for my kids to grow up.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      You sound like a wonderful mother. (You don't make them smoke crack to put them to sleep at night, do you? That would not be a very good thing, I think.)

      1. cymchikster

        My kids are in their late-twenties. They're responsible and thoughtful people. So don't worry your pretty little head.

  8. Gleem_McShineys

    As a Californian, working in the Bankruptcy industry, right here in the very capital, I can say, work has been great lately! It's like totally a way-hawtt trend and stuff!

    Looking forward to after the election where Meg has to concede, then has to file Chapter 7.

  9. hooray4anything

    I'm wondering if Meg is going to answer any questions or is she just going to throw gold coins into the audience.

  10. elpinche

    Ultimately, it's a battle between Captain Stubing and Henrietta Zombie …DEAD BY DAWN, DEAD BY DAWN!! Gutbutt LadyMan.

  11. Steverino247

    Reading off her mental hand? That would be the invisible hand of the free market, wouldn't it? If it's palm reading and Meg fucks up that Political Life line would stop right about now.

  12. HurricaneAli

    Seriously, tho', Megs got a case of JerryLewisatosis from that Blingee decoupage; however, Blingees can be misleading!

  13. Steverino247

    Let me state this clearly for the record: Fuck Texas and anything that makes California look like Texas in any way.

    1. V572625694

      Jerry shoulda said, "Do you want to spend your vacation at Monterey or South Padre Island? Do you want to go skiing at Lake Tahoe, or…uh… I rest my case."

    1. Radiotherapy

      Especially the precious 1%. The job creating, overburdened, poor rich, they never did anything to you 1%.

  14. V572625694

    Whitman just said, "We have to eliminate sanctuary cities, starting with San Francisco." Start the bombing!

    1. weejee

      SFO is our sanctuary city. Air fares there are sometimes so silly low they beat what it would cost my wife & I to drive from C'Addle to Portland (and no, we don't have a drive a Hummer). I suggest we bomb Orange County instead if bomb we must.

      1. Limeylizzie

        I am a part-time resident of Los Angeles and the only way I can stand to be there even part-time is if I go to San Francisco a lot.

        1. Beowoof

          Try Vegas, my future retirement home, nothing says happy times, like casinos to get my social security and hot enough to fry my fat ass.

  15. chascates

    So basically: drastically limiting property tax increases and easy, whackjob referendums have created a state that can never have enough revenue to be a viable state. One state that could by its GNP stand as a major country. Only the 'drown the gummit' brigade has kneecapped it. And someone would want to be in charge of this?

      1. Beowoof

        Who to nominate next. I am in the Tom Cruise camp, I think it would be interesting to put the really crazy in power. I mean crazier than tea baggers. Oh think of his fellow worshipers he could add to state administrative positions. The possibilities are endless.

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      It's not even the property tax limits, although that's a factor. The dirtbags slipped in a requirement that it takes a 2/3 majority to raise ANY fucking tax rate, and a 2/3 majority in each house of the legislature to pass a fucking budget. My fellow Californicators just leaped at the property tax relief, and instantaneously turned the state into an ungovernable looney bin.

      BTW, I owned three houses in 1986 and voted NO on Prop 13. But that's because I'm not stupid.

      Oh, and I sometimes wish I believed in Hell, so that I could hope that Howard Jarvis and Paul Gann would rot in it for eternity.

      1. savethispatient

        You owned three houses in California? It's a pleasure to meet you, Senator McCain. Send our regards to your daughter!

          1. savethispatient

            Ah, yes, I am indeed! There appears to be a few around here these days. As you probably guessed, I'm also a furriner, but I've got better at saying C'addle instead of the terribly annoying See-aht-till of my compatriots.
            I was one of the few wonketteers from our local meetup back when that O'Bama guy got elected. I drank a Wonkettini…. Don't remember much else…

        1. ShaveTheWhales

          Ah, there was this divorce, so I only wound up with 1.5 houses. And I still wish I could parboil Jarvis and Gann.

  16. mumbly_joe

    I'm going to steal someone else's twatter comment here, but what do you call it when someone walks around repeating that "definition of insanity" quip over and over again?

    1. chascates

      I consider it 'waiting for a lightening strike' but it is a tired cliche, tired being extra tedious used with cliche.

    1. V572625694

      She wasn't scary. Yes she was wooden with that rictus of a smile. But she could've done worse. I like Jerry too: mayor of fucking Oakland, because why not?

      1. Left_Leftie

        Jerry was an great Mayor of Oakland, but he had his eye on the Governor's seat. Oakland was his way of easing back into the public eye before he reached for the DA job that made him such a "natural choice" as the Democratic governor candidate.

  17. imissopus

    I didn't watch it so all I want to know is this: did any airplanes mistake Meg's forehead for a runway and try to land on her?

  18. trhindman

    I just went through a bottle of wine, during the debate. Then, I promised (on paper) to move to Boston if she wins, and I hate Boston. So please, vote for Jerry Brown. I'm a lifelong Californian, I will die in the heat.

  19. Radiotherapy

    Wait, did they talk about pot? Don't you need water to grow pot? My glaucoma is killing me here. Tax the ganja, wouldn't that fix the shortfall?

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      Dunno, but I'm afraid Jerry is gonna have to be ambiguous. Something I've never completely understood is this: I'm 62, but I was a slow breeder, so my kids are 18 and 21. They're both okay with weed. I'm okay with weed. Somehow, there seems to be this mass of 30-50 year old parents who have it confused with heroin (TM Bayer).

      The part I don't understand is, California has been full of stoners since I landed here in '72. Where did all these re-virginated parents come from?

  20. KochFembot

    I am not from California, but I ask Californians to PLEASE vote for Jerry Brown because the rest of us DO NOT want to see this ebay lady or hear her talk anymore. Please make her go away. WE'RE COUNTING ON YOU THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT.

    1. hooray4anything

      Considering she's spent like a billion dollars of her own money on this election and was only slightly leading Brown before he even started campaigning is a pretty good indication about how well she's doing. The moment Brown started putting ads on TV, he moved ahead in the polls. Now, if he only he'd take her out at the knees like Boxer did to Fiorina

  21. BarackMyWorld

    As a fan of SNL in the late 80s (Carvey, Nealon, Hartman, Lovitz, and Dennis Miller when he was still funny), I used to often wonder if Jerry Brown was any relation to A. Whitney Brown. They always looked/sounded alike to me.

    1. harry_palmer

      Dennis Miller was never actually funny, but HE was so impressed with his own cleverness that for a while a few others were fooled and thought they must be missing it.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Eh, he was kinda funny. But he was no A. Whitney Brown, I will grant you that. (I have his book, it's very good, actually. It's called "The Big Picture" if you can believe that. )

  22. ShaveTheWhales

    Ken, I want to express my sympathy for you having to listen to this on our behalf. I don't have to listen to it, because the only way I would vote for Meggie would involve a disturbingly self-aware meteorite crashing through my roof and jostling my arm as I was filling in my vote-by-mail ballot and then hypnotizing me to forget it happened so I would mail in my vote. Wait — is this the Event?

    Nah. Fuck (metaphorically, please, I have some standards) Meg.

    Also, I confess to not knowing the provenance of the final photo, but I have copied it and will randomly proliferate it. Thank you for that, also, too.

  23. Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Sorry ladies, but it's a fact: Americuh trusts bald white dudes more than fat chicks.

    Except Oprah of course.

  24. Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Oh please, everyone loves the IE. It's where all our great motorcyclist racers are bred. And the Central Valley!!! Come on, try saying "raisin" without a smile.

  25. SayItWithWookies

    I'm sorry I missed this — what's weird is that twenty years ago if you spent the day telling Californians that in 2010 Jerry Brown would be the saner of the two candidates for governor, you'd've ended up stuffed in a dumpster behind a video store. Hell I couldn't believe that he rose from the grave to run for mayor of Oakland — but we live in strange times.

    (Managed to spell "twenty" right on the second try. I love this edit feature.)

    1. Gleem_McShineys

      I was listening to this very thing just the other day, thinking how cute that at one time there was some idea that Jerry Brown would usher in an era of what… hippie-fascism?

      I guess back in 1979 our crystal balls didn't envision the rise of the Third Frysch, fructose-guzzling teevee-powered patridiots we have now.

  26. neiltheblaze

    Christ – if Meg Whitman had on any more foundation, you'd be able to build a ground zero mosque on her face.

  27. HistoriCat

    Are you sure she didn't say “I am a very great believer in the power of money” ? That would make so much more sense.

Comments are closed.