where's the baptism certificate?

Obama Admits Jesus Does Not Speak To Him Personally

Doesn't count. DOESN'T COUNT.According to the New York Times, President Obama is currently on a “tour of American backyards,” whatever that means. (“Stop telling me it’s urgent I speak with my generals, Rahm. I’m looking at this lovely rock garden these folks put around their in-ground pool.”) And in one such backyard in Arizona today, a citizen spotted the president rummaging through her compost bin and decided to ask him a few questions. And when he was asked about his Christian beliefs, he basically admitted Jesus of Nazareth does not show up in the White House for one-on-one chats. If you had any doubt Obama IS NOT THE REAL PRESIDENT, you don’t now.

President Obama expounded Tuesday on the reasons he became a Christian as an adult, telling a group of residents here that he was a “Christian by choice” and that “the precepts of Jesus Christ spoke to me in terms of the kind of life that I would want to lead – being my brother and sister’s keeper.”

First of all, you do not choose Jesus, Obama; he chooses you (because you are white and middle-aged and live in a rural area). And second of all, Jesus does not speak to you in any of these gay “precepts.” He speaks to you PERSONALLY, in your HEART, because you are special and he believes in you and both of you are native English speakers.

Mr. Obama, who has been criticized by conservative pundits who have questioned his Christian faith, gave a lengthy discourse on it in response to a woman who said she had three “hot topic questions” for him. The first was: “Why are you a Christian?” The second was on abortion — the president said it should be “safe, legal and rare” — and her third was whether Mr. Obama would accept her husband’s chili pepper. He said he would.

“Accept her husband’s chili pepper”? This is not how marriages work, lady. Your gay husband is supposed to keep thoughts of people touching his chili pepper IN HIS HEAD, where Jesus can battle those thoughts and kill their gayness with his huge, sweaty sword. [NYT]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. DashboardBuddha

    If it was a red hot chili-pepper, would Barry have to wear a sock on his penis? If so, 2012 would be a slam dunk.

    1. Crank_Tango

      and that's Mr. President Sir Psycho Sexy to all you folks out there who have lost respect for the office…

    2. Extemporanus

      "Mr. President, I'm getting ready to buy a company that makes 250 to 280 thousand dollars a year. Your new tax plan's going to tax me more, isn't it?"

      "Well, look…I think when you give it away, give it away, give it away now, it's good for everybody. Now, where da white women at?"

  2. natoslug

    I feel so betrayed. I don't know if I can trust a president who doesn't hear voices in his head and pray for help from the nonexistent and dead. Truly, it is mourning in America.

    1. JMPEsq

      If he doesn't listen to the imaginary voices, then the president would have to decide what to do based on evidence and reason, and that would be a disaster.

  3. hooray4anything

    I'm not sure if this sentence should make me laugh or cry: "Mr. Obama, who has been criticized by conservative pundits who have questioned his Christian faith…"

  4. Rambone

    Just as I suspected. Barry isn't nearly delusional enough to hold high office.

    Palin/Some-Random-Dude-Freaking-Out-On-PCP 2012!

  5. SayItWithWookies

    “the precepts of Jesus Christ spoke to me in terms of the kind of life that I would want to lead – being my brother and sister’s keeper.”

    "…Which is pretty damn hard to do when you're constantly being attacked by the Gadarene Swine."

  6. Rotundo_

    Jeez, to hear W speak, the Big Guy was constantly yapping at him to do this, do that, like it was a continuous dialogue. Probably was Cheney hiding in the corner playing him like the pipe organ from hell he was. Nice to know that the voices in Barry's head aren't telling him to avenge anything or invade anywhere or pass any laws to exterminate any particular groups or anything interesting.

    1. imissopus

      I have this image of W sitting at his desk in the Oval Office like the evil Kent in Real Genius. Cheney and Rumsfeld knock him out with gas and put a transmitter in one of his fillings. When he wakes up he hears a voice in his head telling him to invade Iraq. And also to stop touching himself. Smash cut to Cheney and Rummy in the basement of the Naval Observatory talking into a microphone and giggling.

      1. lumpenprole

        I think Cheney could have accomplished this by just throwing his voice. Not even very well. Lips moving and everything.

  7. JMPEsq

    It sounds Nobama is trying to make Jesus out to be a SOCIALIST by reading the words that are in the Bible; the real Christians know the Jesus was a free market capitalist because that's what they want to believe he was, and that's superior to whatever's written down in their holy book (see also: the Constitution)

    1. mumbly_joe

      Sir, I believe you are forgetting about the Ethiopian Kenyan Muslim who funded Jeepus's campign for president with a birthday present of inflation-proof and FDR-proof Goldline medallions, as the great prophet Beck (peace be upon him) commanded, Amen.

  8. V572625694

    Barry shoulda said, "Of course I'm an atheist like any rational person — Christopher Hitchens for instance…okay bad example. You know, like Bill Maher…Well shit, anyway, no one but a moran believes in Zombie Jeebus. Sorry to break it to you at this late date but that's how it is. Fuckin deal w/it.

  9. Crank_Tango

    "criticized by conservative pundits who have questioned his Christian faith" sure is a funny way to say "falsely accused of being a muslin".

    1. Ducksworthy

      I dunno. The NYT is not allowed to refer to the fact that approximately 29% of the population are either complete morans who believe whatever santorum Fux newsliers spew out or are unrepentant racists and frustrated rapists/murderers none of whom is every going to open a copy of the NYT to find out because their leaders have taught them that ts propaganda by the niggerlovinpinkocommiejewliberals, to quote their dearly departed hero George Lincoln Rockwell.

  10. arclight2012

    OMG you mean he didn't become a Christian until he was an adult!?!? What was he before that?!?! AN INDONESIAN KENYAN MUSLIN!!!!!!!!!!!


    1. JMPEsq

      And how dare someone be choosing a religion as an adult? Kids are supposed to be indoctrinated into one from time they learn to speak and taught purely Pavlovian responses to religious ritual, not to actually think about them!

    2. James Michael Curley

      A deist like George Washington and Thomas Jefferson – those liberal, revolutionary, foreign, undocumented aliens.

    3. Katydid

      Sigh. This is exactly the line Malkin is salivating over right now as she fingers herself while typing furiously wi the other claw.

  11. ttommyunger

    "Not when I was the Gatekeeper for the Oval Office, at least not without an appointment." says Andrew Card. Speaking of Card, why is it so many high-powered Repugs have no chin?

      1. ttommyunger

        I just figured he wore it off on dubya's zipper. Poor Dubya, no more “prayer sessions” in the Oval Office. Now he's got to go downtown and buy his blowjobs just like any other Republican.

      2. ttommyunger

        I just figured he wore it off on dubya's zipper. Poor Dubya, no more “prayer sessions” in the Oval Office. Now he's got to go downtown and buy his blowjobs just like any other Republican.

  12. LionelHutzEsq

    Wait, Isn't the whole "Am I my brother's keeper?" from the Jewish part of the bible? So Obama is a closet Jew?

    Second, since we, as a country, need someone that Jesus actually talks to, does this mean Glen Beck is now President?

    Lastly, “Accept her husband’s chili pepper”? This is not how marriages work, lady.

    Hey, we told you that marriage would be destroyed as soon as the gheys were allowed to marry. But would you listen? No.

  13. elviouslyqueer

    Please tell me that Barry has just finished kneeing Prick Warren's nads in that picture. It is, after all, the right and Christian thing to do.

  14. twogoats

    Is there an over/under on days until the WaPo runs an opinion piece [of crap] by a learned right wing zealot about how Barry "thinks he knows God intellectually, but does not know God in his heart."? If the o/u is 3 or more, I take under.

    1. legalize everything

      Albuquerque used to be in Arizona but Jan Brewer had it deported because that sounds like a foreign name and in Arizona they speak American!

  15. weejee

    Religious bondage shackles and debilitates the mind and unfits it for every noble enterprise James Madison

    A subtle statement by one of our founding fudaments. Franklin, Jefferson, and others are more to the point.

  16. CapnFatback

    and her third was whether Mr. Obama would accept her husband’s chili pepper.

    I dunno, once you accept his chili pepper, a whole lot more chili peppers are gonna start sprouting up over the border. Illegal vegetation is not a joke, Mr. President!

  17. prommie

    Fuckin-A, man shouldn't ever go to Arizona, he's brown, and that gives the cops probable cause to ask him for his birth certificate, long form, too. Then he'll be fucking screwed. Sherrif Arpaio will throw him in a concentration camp in the desert and keep him there forever on bread and water, for suspicion of impersonating a president. That Sherrif, he is a mean hombre, he doesn't enforce the law, he IS the law in Arizona.

  18. Chet Kincaid

    As an inquiring collegian raised fundamentalist baptist, it blew my mind that there was such a thing as "interpreting" the Bible rather than literally believing everything in it. Barry's a better man for skipping to the precepts instead of listening for The Voices. However, for the hardcore fundies, kind-of-Christianity is double-insidious: if you're living by Jesus's precepts rather than taking his calls, you are getting your marching orders direct from a pleased-as-punch Lucifer, who will warmly welcome "near-miss" Christians in hell. So just wait and see how this gets spun on the Family Values circuit.

  19. slappypaddy

    don't point at me, i'm nowhere near the east coast, and i know the difference between arizona and new mexico. and not only can i spell chili, i can eat it and shit fire, smiling all the while.

    and, for the encore, i can both spell and pronounce albuquerque (i can even tell you which letter got dropped from its name and from where, and i can tell you how old it is. i'm so full of myself i'm about to explode.)

        1. slappypaddy

          the letter dropped = r

          how old it is = 304 years

          all that stuff = new mexico is the one on the right, chili and chile are both correct spellings (and voodoo chile is a hot dish no matter how you define it), the second syllable, and having shat here enough for now, it is time for me to explode, leaving behind only my slowly-fading smile….

  20. WhatTheHeck

    What people haven’t figured out is Jesus speaks to Obama in the Rose Garden. Jesus keeps goading Obama into starting a war with Iran, but Obama keeps on not listening. Its a one-way street.

  21. Bluestatelibel

    Non-snark (maybe?) but what is with Christians nowadays always saying, "God told me to do this," "God told me not to do that," "Satan wants me to do that." I feel so left out and alone because apparently I'm not getting these direct communications from my maker. At least Nobama isn't getting them either, which makes me feel a little bit better. I guess.

  22. FearofaBlackReagan

    My Jew-dar may be a little on overdrive today, but I wonder if someone named 'Jack Stuef' should really be commenting on this.

    1. boatapple

      I thought he told us that the immigration people chopped off his grandpa's umlaut when he came to US America. I'm not sure what that tells me. I know more than a few Ginger Jews, too, so that's not helping.

  23. ClownCrusade

    “the precepts of Jesus Christ spoke to me in terms of the kind of life that I would want to lead – being my brother and sister’s keeper.”

    Oh, see, it's that touchy-feely, librul Jesus. Not the REAL Jesus who wants you to kill a Muslin today and smack people who don't remember his birthday.

  24. Naked_Bunny

    Perhaps Obama will meet up with Superman, who is taking the year off to walk across America instead of doing his job. (Something about "newspaper reporter", whatever that means.)

  25. gospace

    He stated he wants to be his brothers keeper. This now explains why his half-brother lives in a hut in Kenya. He's an incompetent keeper.

  26. Hillz_left_nut

    that's the Right Rev Rick Warren? Looks like Murray from Goodfellas w/ a slightly better rug.

    on second look, about the same rug. And a highly effective birth control device it is…

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