yeah jim's not feeling this bill so yeah

Jim DeMint E-mails Senate Staffs To Let Them Know He Runs Country Now

Here are Jim DeMint and his legislative staff, your new overlords.All legislation must now be cleared with America’s Dad Jim DeMint first or else he will shut down the Senate, according to an e-mail sent to Senate chiefs of staff today. And so we have another example of Jim DeMint trying to out-Republican everyone else, this time in terms of obstructing bills. Senate rules were specifically written by our founding fathers so that Jim DeMint could stop each and every bill that comes before the legislative body, and their disintegrating patriot skulls must be smiling in their graves right now, because their oracle has at last come true: Our country is now run through Jim DeMint.

As of last August, 372 bills had passed the House, many of them unanimously, but have yet to receive a vote in the Senate. At 60 hours per bill, it would require over two and a half years to vote on these bills, and that’s assuming the Senate works around the clock and on weekdays, weekends and holidays. In other words, there is simply not enough time to get more than a fraction of the Senate’s business done if a minority is determined to do everything they can to block progress.

Oh, that Think Progress. Always thinking about progress.

But this is not some simple power grab by Jim DeMint. It’s actually a call for inaction. Clearly DeMint is trying to snag some of those voters who only vote for candidates who believe in the virtues of inaction, all of whom were previously going to touch-screen their ballots for his opponent Alvin Greene. [Think Progress]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  • Krugmanic Depressive

    Jim DeMint and his master race of highly gifted toddlers…

    • Doglessliberal

      Toddlers accomplish something.

    • Doglessliberal

      Toddlers get something accomplished.

      • Terry
        • Doglessliberal

          Love it!

        • Monsieur_Grumpe

          I am constantly reminded to quit putting off that vasectomy.

    • kindness99

      You mean grifted toddlers, dotn't you?

  • natoslug

    Obviously I missed my calling. I am a master at not getting shit done.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Clancy_Pants

    Does the kid with the red shirt have his left hand in Jim's pants?

    • MARCdMan

      That's the hold he's talking about.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    It's almost as if one gets the idea that SC GOPers are retards or something.

    • FearofaBlackReagan

      I dunno about retards, but now that Mark Sanford's gone, Jimmy Demint seems to be the only one who's not a screaming closet case.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Hmmmm. I think I see the problem with our legislative system. It starts with J and ends with mint.

    • SexySmurf

      Junior Mints?

      • Doglessliberal

        If Junior Mints, Alvin Greene, and Jim DeMint were on the ballot, I would be leaning towards #1.

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        Since it's 'Murican football season maybe we should be having creamed DeMints. Hutt, hutt, headbutt.

  • BrentKockman

    can't wait for the big Jim Demint v. Christine O'Donnell showdown.

    "The one with the teabags to vanquish the Demint-Lord approaches……The Demint-lord will mark her as his colleague, but she will have teabagger crazy that the Demint-Lord knows not. either must die at the hand of the other, for neither can live while the other survives"

  • LionelHutzEsq

    If only someone had thought of making it impossible for the Senate to act before we entered into a war for no reason, or plunged our economy down a cliff during Bush's Presidency. Where was the leadership then?

    • arclight2012

      OH, you mean back when a slim majority was able to muscle everything they wanted through and we couldn't stop them because we're a bunch of mamby pambies? Yes? Okay. Just checking.

    • Ducksworthy

      Thank god the Amerikkkun people are addicted to Rohypnol so they can't remember being raped.

  • slappypaddy

    we could not have been taken hostage by nicer people.

  • Doglessliberal

    OK, I just posted something and it disappeared. Am I banned?

    • Grief_Lessons

      Same thing happened to me this morning. Gremlins, presumably.

  • whiskeybaby

    What I've learned from this is that politicians should never pose with cute pre-pubescent boys. Especially politicians like Jim of the Mint.

    • elviouslyqueer

      All hail PedoMint!

      • Gopherit

        that's no im-pedomint to getting the SC republican vote.

        • Extemporanus

          FAP INTO A SLIM JIM!

    • CapnFatback

      "Hiya, son. Wanna meet Lil' Jimmy DeSpearmint?"

  • MildMidwesterner

    Where does the 60 hour figure come from? At one minute per bill, the Senate's work could be completed in less than one full work day (or two union days).

    • imissopus

      That probably includes the amount of time allowed for debate on the floor, which I think is allowed both before and after the cloture vote.

      • V572625694

        Yeah, "debate." Which means successive doses of blather, with insanely stupid visual aids, to C-SPAN for the morans back home. The US Senate (meets Wednesays, 11:00 AM-8:00PM) is truly the World's Greatest Deliberative Body, except for Our Wonkette Overlords.

        • imissopus

          Hey, I didn't say it would be a constructive sixty hours.

  • Rambone

    Imagine that, the Senate might fuck up everything . . .

  • chascates

    No doubt he'll lead the call to avoid a lame duck session as well. I read that on one occasion the College of Cardinals were taking too long to elect a new Pope. The Church hierarchy removed the roof of their building, this during the coldest weather. A new Pope was quickly found.

  • SayItWithWookies

    It's Jim DeMint's mission to stop Congress before they refute his thesis that government can't do anything. And why Republicans continue to run on that platform (if they really believed it, why did they run for public office?) is a mystery. And why people elected them is an even greater mystery.
    On the other hand — thank you Senator Fuckhead, for showing us why you don't deserve the keys back.

    • GOPCrusher

      Polls show that the public are frustrated by Congress's inability to get anything done, and Jim DeMint is out to prove them right.

    • Barrelhse

      "Refudiate" is the word you're looking for. Talk American, Wookster!

  • Mumbletypeg

    Preserving our bumpy roadtrip to nowhere: Bunning/ DeMint 2012!!

  • Troubledog

    You and whose Armey?

  • SecretMuslin

    Meh – this asshat doesn't stand a chance against Alvin Greene in November. Out with all incumbents, amirite?

  • imissopus

    Yet one more reason for my liberal brethren to put on their big-boy pants and go out and fucking vote in a few weeks. Because throwing a hissy about the party not being liberal enough will be counterproductive. Voting happens every two years. Fighting for your beliefs is a 24/7/365 proposition, and it will never end as long as the likes of Jim DeMint live in this country, let alone keep running for office.

    </civicslesson>

    • V572625694

      Especially her in Colly-Fornya, where a "permanent absentee voter" such as myself can have the ballot mailed to the office, vote on it, run it through the postage meter, and put it in the outbox, all without walking more than about 30 feet. Democracy is great!

      • JMPEsq

        Mail-ed? Post-age? What are these things, old-timer?

        • V572625694

          Christ, we're lucky to be only this far behind the times. Email voting won't happen before I punch out.

        • Guppy06

          Stealing from the office postage meter is timeless.

  • Extemporanus

    "Show me on the doll where DeMint got fresh with you."

    • SayItWithWookies

      Was he curiously strong? Or strongly curious?

      • Barrelhse

        Are we implicating freakishlystrong?

      • Extemporanus

        Speaking of tin-full acts, have you ever been genitally blessed by someone with an untransubstantiated Altoid or two on their tongue?

        "Thy kingdom come," indeed…

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Mrs. Powel of Philadelphia asked Benjamin Franklin,
    "Well, Doctor, what have we got, a republic or a monarchy?"
    With no hesitation whatsoever, Franklin responded,
    "A republic, if you can keep it."

    This of course was Pre-DeMint.

  • Gopherit

    Maybe the republicans think he can get away with this shit because he has the safest seat in the upcoming election? You know, Alvin Greene my be unqualified and insane, but….

    Let's go Senator Greene!

    • http://matthewrosestudio.blogspot.com/ MISTAHCOUGHDROP

      How about Greene and Odonnel do a boxing match at Oxford? On the lawn? I'd watch.

  • http://matthewrosestudio.blogspot.com/ MISTAHCOUGHDROP

    Is it fair to say Jim is deminted?

    But wait, what if he does become America's dad? Will he give us each 25¢ a week allowance to buy candy? Such is the paternal qualities of the next great American dad.

    • V572625694

      You do see that your blogwhoring has given you the Negative P-Score of Scarlet Shame, don't you?

      • http://matthewrosestudio.blogspot.com/ MISTAHCOUGHDROP

        Yes, I did… didn't quite understand this, but hey, no more blogwhoring for me. Thanks for pointing out my scarletness.

  • el_donaldo

    Perhaps he confuses "wu wei," or "not acting," the fundamental Daoist ethic, as many do, with "inaction." But "wu wei" means to do, but effortlessly, as part of the processes of nature, with the same selflessness. Ask yourself, does the following describe DeMint or Alvin Greene? Who is the true Sage?

    Teaching without verbosity,
    producing without possessing,
    creating without regard to result,
    claiming nothing,
    the Sage has nothing to lose.

    • Ducksworthy

      I may mistaken but I suspect this is the only political blog where the Tao Te Ching is a regular topic of discussion.

  • freakishlywrong

    Well, how brave of President DeMint, (how GAY is that name?), to take a vow to continue to do nothing.

    • nounverb911

      I can't wait for DeMint/Graham 2012 running on the Teabagging ticket. They're made for each other.

    • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

      A vow of political chastity.

  • Troubledog

    Also, isn't DeMint part of the Tea Party's nemesis, De Federal Reserve?

  • doxastic

    Jim DeMint is hard at work inventing new and innovative ways to say "Fuck you, I've got mine"

    • Amo_of_Bogio

      I thought "Fuck you, I've got mine" or its corollary "I've got mine, fuck you" – is the motto of America. That's the translation of E plurubis unum" isn't it?

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Interesting: DeMint (green) vs. Greene

    This could get VERY CONFUSING for South Carolina voters…

    Thought… "Vote for the Real Greene, not the feminine, gayish green"

  • x111e7thst

    無爲

    • Barrelhse

      Nu bi.

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    Get well soon, Jimmy! ( I refer to Carter, not DeMint)

    I'm glad he got his book finished, though

  • arclight2012

    This is why Alvin Greene is on the scene!

  • badseeds

    World's Great Deliberative Body, or World's Greatest Deliberative Body?

    • Guppy06

      World's Greatest Debilitating Body

  • Gorilllionaire

    Let's see him try to stop that Corn Biscuit bill, I fucking dare him.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Wonkette is back! With photos and everthing!

    Did you fire that web designer who did such a great job on CraigsList?

    YEH! WoW! Sweet!

  • http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=351473119155 Fred_Wertham_Jr

    Alvin Greene. Now more than ever.

  • 4tehlulz_lite

    Oh look, South Carolina is destroying the country again.

    • Not_So_Much

      Let's let them fly their stupid confederate flag and just gtfo already. The guy that got busted for repeatedly raping a horse in SC is clearly the deepest thinker in the state…

  • ttommyunger

    Gridlock in the Senate! Hmmmm…Not a bad idea.

  • bumfug

    I just can't think of anything to say that doesn't include words and phrases that would make red flags go off in Secret Service / Homeland Security computers.

  • notreelyhelping

    Methinks steam arises from Mitch McConnell's wee turtle ears.

  • hooray4anything

    This wouldn't happen if Obama were more bipartisan.

  • Ducksworthy

    It may be time to let Harry Tuttle back in here for a little bit. I have never seen the wonketteoshphere as stirred up as it was with him/it. Also, I wanted to ask him to explain what he thought the 18th century language he pasted up means in modern teabaggerish. I suspect it is not what we were taught it meant in civics class.

    • JMPEsq

      If asked, he would calmly explain "It means liberals suck, fuckers!"

  • Lucidamente1

    "But this is not some simple power grab by Jim DeMint." No, but that photo with the two pre-pubescent boys is some kind of grab.

    • loquacioustunes

      "Hey, boys, can't you hear my heart beat / For the very first time?"

  • Jukesgrrl

    DeMint must be reading an Alexander Haig biography. But instead of mimicking Haig's, "I'm in control here" behavior, he decided to update it as, "I'm in control to not do anything."

    For all you young 'uns, Haig was the pompous dickwad of the Reagan Administration who declared himself "vicar of foreign policy" when being called Secretary of State didn't sound classy enough. He announced to the press he was "in control" of the country when Reagan was silly enough to get shot without announcing in advance that Vice President Poppy Bush should act in his behalf if he was unconscious (or shall we say more unconscious than we now know he was for most of those interminable eight years).

    Long live our minty-fresh Control Freak of the Week!

    • Billmatic

      I thought for a minute you were talking about Field Marshal Haig.

      All I remember of him was his brilliant strategy to go "over the top."

  • thx11380

    I wonder what karma has in store for Mister DeMint. It won't be pretty.

  • Barrelhse

    Jesus he's creepy. And what's he hiding in that fuckin' snot-locker?

  • Rotundo_

    So anything Congress manages to do in spite of DeMint's tantrums will be congress-tested, asshole approved.

  • thefrontpage

    Was that picture taken at the Tuesday Night C Street House Late-Night Secret Club Meeting?

  • http://wonkette.com/ yellowerdog

    DeMint's vote on Secy Clinton's appointment showed his colors. Because State is such an important post, the nomination and confirmation vote were taken in the lame duck session. Accordingly, not voting were the seats of Hillary Clinton, of President-Elect, VP-Elect, and the undecided (Franken) seat. Confirmation vote was thus 94-2, DeMint and the pride of Texas were the 2. Nothing new in his unreconstructed confererate fuckweed approach since the election.

  • rocktonsam

    doesn't Lindsay call Jim , "cream de mint?"

  • loquacioustunes

    Right after this photograph was taken, Jim DeMint scoop slammed the boy on the left and then ran off, giggling, into the sunset.

  • anteater

    This low-rent cocksucker with his stupid "I will oppose anything that Muslin wants" ideology has got me all het up.

    Uh, young lady? Make it a double please.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Dr_pangloss

    DeMint in charge of the government? Whew what could possiblie go wrong?

  • lulzmonger

    Gosh, since ANY accomplishment whatsoever coming from a Dem Congress will automatically make the shiftless pack of hyenas that are the GOP look bad, I wonder what PedoMint will approve?

    The Do-Nothing Party: hey, at least they're going with what they're good at!

  • xzargo

    Hey Little Boys, I have some delicious candy but it's HIDDEN in my secret POCKET!