yeah jim's not feeling this bill so yeah

Jim DeMint E-mails Senate Staffs To Let Them Know He Runs Country Now

Here are Jim DeMint and his legislative staff, your new overlords.All legislation must now be cleared with America’s Dad Jim DeMint first or else he will shut down the Senate, according to an e-mail sent to Senate chiefs of staff today. And so we have another example of Jim DeMint trying to out-Republican everyone else, this time in terms of obstructing bills. Senate rules were specifically written by our founding fathers so that Jim DeMint could stop each and every bill that comes before the legislative body, and their disintegrating patriot skulls must be smiling in their graves right now, because their oracle has at last come true: Our country is now run through Jim DeMint.

As of last August, 372 bills had passed the House, many of them unanimously, but have yet to receive a vote in the Senate. At 60 hours per bill, it would require over two and a half years to vote on these bills, and that’s assuming the Senate works around the clock and on weekdays, weekends and holidays. In other words, there is simply not enough time to get more than a fraction of the Senate’s business done if a minority is determined to do everything they can to block progress.

Oh, that Think Progress. Always thinking about progress.

But this is not some simple power grab by Jim DeMint. It’s actually a call for inaction. Clearly DeMint is trying to snag some of those voters who only vote for candidates who believe in the virtues of inaction, all of whom were previously going to touch-screen their ballots for his opponent Alvin Greene. [Think Progress]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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96 comments

    1. FearofaBlackReagan

      I dunno about retards, but now that Mark Sanford's gone, Jimmy Demint seems to be the only one who's not a screaming closet case.

  1. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Hmmmm. I think I see the problem with our legislative system. It starts with J and ends with mint.

  2. BrentKockman

    can't wait for the big Jim Demint v. Christine O'Donnell showdown.

    "The one with the teabags to vanquish the Demint-Lord approaches……The Demint-lord will mark her as his colleague, but she will have teabagger crazy that the Demint-Lord knows not. either must die at the hand of the other, for neither can live while the other survives"

  3. LionelHutzEsq

    If only someone had thought of making it impossible for the Senate to act before we entered into a war for no reason, or plunged our economy down a cliff during Bush's Presidency. Where was the leadership then?

    1. arclight2012

      OH, you mean back when a slim majority was able to muscle everything they wanted through and we couldn't stop them because we're a bunch of mamby pambies? Yes? Okay. Just checking.

  4. whiskeybaby

    What I've learned from this is that politicians should never pose with cute pre-pubescent boys. Especially politicians like Jim of the Mint.

  5. MildMidwesterner

    Where does the 60 hour figure come from? At one minute per bill, the Senate's work could be completed in less than one full work day (or two union days).

    1. imissopus

      That probably includes the amount of time allowed for debate on the floor, which I think is allowed both before and after the cloture vote.

      1. V572625694

        Yeah, "debate." Which means successive doses of blather, with insanely stupid visual aids, to C-SPAN for the morans back home. The US Senate (meets Wednesays, 11:00 AM-8:00PM) is truly the World's Greatest Deliberative Body, except for Our Wonkette Overlords.

  6. chascates

    No doubt he'll lead the call to avoid a lame duck session as well. I read that on one occasion the College of Cardinals were taking too long to elect a new Pope. The Church hierarchy removed the roof of their building, this during the coldest weather. A new Pope was quickly found.

  7. SayItWithWookies

    It's Jim DeMint's mission to stop Congress before they refute his thesis that government can't do anything. And why Republicans continue to run on that platform (if they really believed it, why did they run for public office?) is a mystery. And why people elected them is an even greater mystery.
    On the other hand — thank you Senator Fuckhead, for showing us why you don't deserve the keys back.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Polls show that the public are frustrated by Congress's inability to get anything done, and Jim DeMint is out to prove them right.

  8. SecretMuslin

    Meh – this asshat doesn't stand a chance against Alvin Greene in November. Out with all incumbents, amirite?

  9. imissopus

    Yet one more reason for my liberal brethren to put on their big-boy pants and go out and fucking vote in a few weeks. Because throwing a hissy about the party not being liberal enough will be counterproductive. Voting happens every two years. Fighting for your beliefs is a 24/7/365 proposition, and it will never end as long as the likes of Jim DeMint live in this country, let alone keep running for office.

    </civicslesson>

    1. V572625694

      Especially her in Colly-Fornya, where a "permanent absentee voter" such as myself can have the ballot mailed to the office, vote on it, run it through the postage meter, and put it in the outbox, all without walking more than about 30 feet. Democracy is great!

        1. V572625694

          Christ, we're lucky to be only this far behind the times. Email voting won't happen before I punch out.

      1. Extemporanus

        Speaking of tin-full acts, have you ever been genitally blessed by someone with an untransubstantiated Altoid or two on their tongue?

        "Thy kingdom come," indeed…

  10. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Mrs. Powel of Philadelphia asked Benjamin Franklin,
    "Well, Doctor, what have we got, a republic or a monarchy?"
    With no hesitation whatsoever, Franklin responded,
    "A republic, if you can keep it."

    This of course was Pre-DeMint.

  11. Gopherit

    Maybe the republicans think he can get away with this shit because he has the safest seat in the upcoming election? You know, Alvin Greene my be unqualified and insane, but….

    Let's go Senator Greene!

  12. MISTAHCOUGHDROP

    Is it fair to say Jim is deminted?

    But wait, what if he does become America's dad? Will he give us each 25¢ a week allowance to buy candy? Such is the paternal qualities of the next great American dad.

  13. el_donaldo

    Perhaps he confuses "wu wei," or "not acting," the fundamental Daoist ethic, as many do, with "inaction." But "wu wei" means to do, but effortlessly, as part of the processes of nature, with the same selflessness. Ask yourself, does the following describe DeMint or Alvin Greene? Who is the true Sage?

    Teaching without verbosity,
    producing without possessing,
    creating without regard to result,
    claiming nothing,
    the Sage has nothing to lose.

    1. Ducksworthy

      I may mistaken but I suspect this is the only political blog where the Tao Te Ching is a regular topic of discussion.

  14. freakishlywrong

    Well, how brave of President DeMint, (how GAY is that name?), to take a vow to continue to do nothing.

    1. Amo_of_Bogio

      I thought "Fuck you, I've got mine" or its corollary "I've got mine, fuck you" – is the motto of America. That's the translation of E plurubis unum" isn't it?

  15. johnnyzhivago

    Interesting: DeMint (green) vs. Greene

    This could get VERY CONFUSING for South Carolina voters…

    Thought… "Vote for the Real Greene, not the feminine, gayish green"

  16. Tundra Grifter

    Wonkette is back! With photos and everthing!

    Did you fire that web designer who did such a great job on CraigsList?

    YEH! WoW! Sweet!

    1. Not_So_Much

      Let's let them fly their stupid confederate flag and just gtfo already. The guy that got busted for repeatedly raping a horse in SC is clearly the deepest thinker in the state…

  17. bumfug

    I just can't think of anything to say that doesn't include words and phrases that would make red flags go off in Secret Service / Homeland Security computers.

  18. Ducksworthy

    It may be time to let Harry Tuttle back in here for a little bit. I have never seen the wonketteoshphere as stirred up as it was with him/it. Also, I wanted to ask him to explain what he thought the 18th century language he pasted up means in modern teabaggerish. I suspect it is not what we were taught it meant in civics class.

  19. Lucidamente1

    "But this is not some simple power grab by Jim DeMint." No, but that photo with the two pre-pubescent boys is some kind of grab.

  20. Jukesgrrl

    DeMint must be reading an Alexander Haig biography. But instead of mimicking Haig's, "I'm in control here" behavior, he decided to update it as, "I'm in control to not do anything."

    For all you young 'uns, Haig was the pompous dickwad of the Reagan Administration who declared himself "vicar of foreign policy" when being called Secretary of State didn't sound classy enough. He announced to the press he was "in control" of the country when Reagan was silly enough to get shot without announcing in advance that Vice President Poppy Bush should act in his behalf if he was unconscious (or shall we say more unconscious than we now know he was for most of those interminable eight years).

    Long live our minty-fresh Control Freak of the Week!

    1. Billmatic

      I thought for a minute you were talking about Field Marshal Haig.

      All I remember of him was his brilliant strategy to go "over the top."

  21. Rotundo_

    So anything Congress manages to do in spite of DeMint's tantrums will be congress-tested, asshole approved.

  22. yellowerdog

    DeMint's vote on Secy Clinton's appointment showed his colors. Because State is such an important post, the nomination and confirmation vote were taken in the lame duck session. Accordingly, not voting were the seats of Hillary Clinton, of President-Elect, VP-Elect, and the undecided (Franken) seat. Confirmation vote was thus 94-2, DeMint and the pride of Texas were the 2. Nothing new in his unreconstructed confererate fuckweed approach since the election.

  23. anteater

    This low-rent cocksucker with his stupid "I will oppose anything that Muslin wants" ideology has got me all het up.

    Uh, young lady? Make it a double please.

  24. lulzmonger

    Gosh, since ANY accomplishment whatsoever coming from a Dem Congress will automatically make the shiftless pack of hyenas that are the GOP look bad, I wonder what PedoMint will approve?

    The Do-Nothing Party: hey, at least they're going with what they're good at!

Comments are closed.