What's her anti-aging secret?!Have you seen the New CNN? It’s probably way better than the old CNN, especially if this “CNN Justice” headline is any indication. Why did the Time Demons do something to a child, in America? [CNN]

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  • Texan_Bulldog

    Maybe she just wanted to avoid being the topic of a Nancy Grace yell-fest.

  • bureaucrap

    In texas, it's always 1989.

    • edgydrifter

      Hell, in Texas it's always 1889.

    • chickensmack

      Gotta go further back. Like, prior to A Brief History of Time (1983) or general relativity (1905) or an awareness of gravity (1687).

      Just no further back than the dinosaurs that baby Texans used to play with, because that encroaches on Jesus years.

    • JMPEsq

      So the most popular musicians in Texas are Paula Abdul and Milli Vanilli?

  • chascates

    Phil Rosenbaum is obviously a product of Texas' fine educational system.

  • Gopherit

    Are we sure Rupert Murdoch doesn't own CNN, too? With their journalistic standards, it's easier to understand why Fox News is so popular.

  • JMPEsq

    Hey, it's obvious that they just left a little bit out which made the headline seem misleading; obviously she was younger in 1989 when she disappeared because she was kidnapped by space aliens, and has spent most of the intervening years traveling at near-light speeds so that she's only physically 12.

    • Uh oh! JMPEsq, yer gettin' into that libtard conspiracy time dilation shit that Andy Schlafly has warned us about. The CNN must be trying to kill Jeebus.

      • JMPEsq

        OK then, maybe she was driving a DeLorean at 88 miles an hour, or hitched a ride on an old British police callbox.

        • Extemporanus

          If we allow 12-year-old girls to vanish nine years before they are born, then the Libyan terrorists have already won.

          • mookwrthwilson

            Great Scott! Get in the DeLorean!!!

          • Extemporanus

            That just generated 1.21 fistawatts of hilarity.

        • Extemporanus

          TRUE FACT: Dr. Who is a licensed OBGYN.

    • Not_So_Much

      Makes sense — this is their way of suggesting decades of anal-probing without spelling it out.

  • SmutBoffin

    First the Muslins, then the Lizard People, now the Time Demons.

    Would you say it is time for the American People to start panicking about this new threat to our temporal well-being?

  • Tommmcatt

    What was Glen Beck doing at that time? Has he denied involvement?

    • Not_So_Much

      I don't think he was Mormon yet, so he can't possibly be held responsible for what he did while on teh drugz.

  • natoslug

    Is this the same girl Glenn Beck raped and murdered? Um, allegedly. The time travel twist may explain why he's been able to avoid prosecution so long.

    • Tommmcatt

      HA! I win the morning!

      • natoslug

        Crap. I knew I should have posted just the first sentence rather than stepping away for another shot of espresso. Fucking coffee is killing me. There, I just gave you a pee-point.

        • Tommmcatt

          Thanks. I need all the help I can get.

          • natoslug

            You're welcome. Short of nothing, it's the least I could do.

  • Weenus299

    This is gonna work out. I was kidnapped as a precursor to the JFK Assassination and look at my 39-year-old-ass now. Pimping my things on the Wonketter.

  • slappypaddy

    she was last seen chasing the editing rabbit down the proofreading hole.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Well, this'll really harm Nancy Grace's reputation for factual accuracy.

  • Could this have something to do with the Metric System being used on that highway near El Paso?

    • V572625694

      Nah, that's in Real American Arizona, between Tucson and Nogales.

      • Crank_Tango

        I always loved that metric highway, on my way to Nogie to buy pills…

  • Troubledog

    BREAKING: Nancy Grace knows "for a fact" that the missing Texas girl was gang-raped and held captive by the Duke lacrosse team.

    • V572625694

      But is it a TRUE fact?

  • deelzebub

    I've seen this movie before…it was about aliens and had Sarah Jessica Parker in it.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    There had to be a time when there was no people, right? Well, where did all these people come from? I'll tell you where: the future.Where did all these people disappear to? The past. And how did they get there?. Flying saucers. Which are really… yeah, you got it… time machines. I think a lot about this stuff. I do my best thinking on the bus. That's how come I don't drive. I don't want to know how. The more you drive, the less intelligent you are.

    • This makes perfect sense to me because I'm in California, where, due to temporal distortion, pot is already legal. Really good pot.

    • Ruhe

      Don't look for that plate of shrimp cause it's not there.

    • TimeCubist

      Did you do a lot of acid back in the 60s?.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        No. Back in July.

    • GOPCrusher

      John Wayne was a fag.

  • MildMidwesterner

    What do you get when you cross Jessica McClure with Alice in Wonderland?

    Apparently a Texas girl who falls into another dimension.

  • tribbzthesquidz

    "Why did the Time Demons do something to a child, in America?"
    Because Gawd hast lifted His protective veil what fer teh homos and unbelievers. And the homo-unbelievers. And the unbelievably homo.

  • Serolf_Divad

    Wow…Someone buy Ken a puppy to cheer him up. His humor's been getting darker and darker by the day. I mean, I'm fucking outraged at the way things are going in ths country, too, and sometimes there seems to be no sunlight at all on the horizon no matter which direction you look, but I'm starting to get a little worried about our chief Wonketter.

    • V572625694

      Plus he's admitted that he willingly flies on Southwest. Either he's shorter than Tom Cruise, or seriously depressed.

  • johnnymeatworth

    When did Philip K. Dick start writing for CNN?

  • WhatTheHeck

    There is a logical explanation for this. It all has to do with the aliens who disappeared her and when they returned her to earth, they mistakenly set the time clock back too far. Simple. That, or CNN is run by the Tea Party now.

  • ALIVE!

    If you haven't seen it, the "Read More" box below the main post has this old gem: "A Nation Challenged: CNN Covers Bird 'Stuck' In Tree." Good god, that was funny.

  • No no this is a trap, oldest time traveling trick in the book. She's positioning herself to alter the future by somehow preventing AMC from having her first buttseck, at which moment Teh Wonkettz will be instantly vaporized.

  • Plowmon

    She's just trying to avoid estate taxes, my accountant says it's the new thing…

  • x111e7thst

    Was she the victim of a shark attack?

  • Extemporanus

    Good thing it's not illegal to abduct and sexually molest a glimmer in a mom's eye, or I would be so totally fucked right now!

  • 4tehlulz_lite

    Is this the girl Glenn Beck raped and murdered in 1990?

  • ttommyunger

    When will CNN learn? We would all be a lot better off if CNN would just run a continuous loop of Rick "Iceland" Sanchez getting Tazered (Tasered?). Shit, now I'm going to get an assload of replies mocking me because I don't know how to spell Taser (Tazer) and that I'm too fucking lazy to google it to find out. I am so fucked.

    • Trig says "Do the Google":

      • ttommyunger

        Too frugal to google? Not in the least.No charge, you must know,From the West to the East.I'm just too damn sorry, so sorry indeed,Not covered by spellcheck?I'm screwed, to the teeth.No need for dismay, don't worry or fretFor you, after all, read the Wonkette!

  • Too far, Ken. She´s been missing 21 years, so she´d be 32 now, which means she´s either dead (most likely) or there were some serious family issues. Either way, it's a tragedy and CNN screwing up a headline is just not enough to snark on.

    Now, back to Christine O'Donnell…

  • Naked_Bunny

    Meh. I already saw Flight of the Navigator.

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