Rahm Emanuel Finally Resigns For 'Not Leaving Baby Trig Alone'

• Rahm Emanuel quits! He is slated to leave for Chicago as early as this Friday -- which means he's probably loadin' up his U-Haul at this very moment. This is pretty much headline news around the globe but we decided to give the "hat tip" to The Politico because they know who's replacing Rahm . Leon Panetta! No, that doesn't sound right. Maybe Tom Daschle? Maybe. What will probably happen is: Barack Obama will take Leon Panetta's birth certificate, Tom Daschle's noodle and John Podesta's sexy hardbody and make a Chief of Staff Frankenstein Monster. That is our best guess. [ The Politico ]

• A new survey has revealed that although most Americans claim to love American Jesus/God/Religion so much, few Americans have any idea what any of this stuffmeans. Writes theNew York Times, "Americans are by all measures a deeply religious people, but they are also deeply ignorant about religion." Ha ha, that's racist right there, against white people. Roman Catholics at least know who this so-called Baby Jesus is, but few of them picked up the apparently crucial belief that the communion wafer and wine are literally supposed to turn into Jesus' chopped up flesh and bloodinside your mouth, to simulate the joys of cannibalism. Protestants, meanwhile, have no idea who Martin Luther was, or who broke Protestants away from Catholicism. (Hint: It was Martin Luther.) Atheists and agnostics know more about the religions of the world -- including America's Jesus religion -- than any actually religious group with the exception of Mormons and Jews (who usually aren't religious at all, in America, except the Haredi in Brooklyn.) [ AP ]

• The House will vote on a Punish China bill, because uh, why does China force us (against our will!) to buy its drywall-tainted lead? America says no thank you . America also says, "Oh wow look at these crappy little plastic trinkets at the Dollar Tree Store! We will buy them all, yippee." [ McClatchy ]