IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA  8:58 am September 28, 2010

Rahm Emanuel Finally Resigns For ‘Not Leaving Baby Trig Alone’

by Riley Waggaman

Goodbye, you Fuckers!

  • Rahm Emanuel quits! He is slated to leave for Chicago as early as this Friday — which means he’s probably loadin’ up his U-Haul at this very moment. This is pretty much headline news around the globe but we decided to give the “hat tip” to The Politico because they know who’s replacing Rahm. Leon Panetta! No, that doesn’t sound right. Maybe Tom Daschle? Maybe. What will probably happen is: Barack Obama will take Leon Panetta’s birth certificate, Tom Daschle’s noodle and John Podesta’s sexy hardbody and make a Chief of Staff Frankenstein Monster. That is our best guess. [The Politico]
  • A new survey has revealed that although most Americans claim to love American Jesus/God/Religion so much, few Americans have any idea what any of this stuff means. Writes the New York Times, “Americans are by all measures a deeply religious people, but they are also deeply ignorant about religion.” Ha ha, that’s racist right there, against white people. Roman Catholics at least know who this so-called Baby Jesus is, but few of them picked up the apparently crucial belief that the communion wafer and wine are literally supposed to turn into Jesus’ chopped up flesh and blood inside your mouth, to simulate the joys of cannibalism. Protestants, meanwhile, have no idea who Martin Luther was, or who broke Protestants away from Catholicism. (Hint: It was Martin Luther.) Atheists and agnostics know more about the religions of the world — including America’s Jesus religion — than any actually religious group with the exception of Mormons and Jews (who usually aren’t religious at all, in America, except the Haredi in Brooklyn.) [AP]
  • The House will vote on a Punish China bill, because uh, why does China force us (against our will!) to buy its drywall-tainted lead? America says no thank you. America also says, “Oh wow look at these crappy little plastic trinkets at the Dollar Tree Store! We will buy them all, yippee.” [McClatchy]
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SheriffRoscoe September 28, 2010 at 11:27 am

As a fundie kid, the subject of transubstantiation always intrigued me, because we (being the newer kids on the block, faithwise,) never believed that shit was literally true. But over the course of time, I researched and learned some amazing things. For instance, there was a time when debating and questioning the validity of the doctrine of turning bread and wine into actual flesh and blood would get a person tortured and probably killed. Then came the scientists with their atheist microscopes and the church was all 'oh yeah we always meant that figuratively, blah blah blah…'

But beyond all that, it always amazed me that someone would think that eating a person's flesh and drinking their blood — even figuratively, was a cool thing to do. To me, it was some messed up shit. Thus began my long walk on the road to hell, for refusing to believe all that crazy without questioning it.

TanzbodenKoenig September 28, 2010 at 11:30 am

Freedumb of religion!

Gopherit September 28, 2010 at 11:32 am

Lucky people of Chicago, having to try to pick the lesser of two evils. They'd be better off throwing Rahm and Daley in a cage with a knife. Two corrupt assholes enter, only one leaves.

ttommyunger September 28, 2010 at 12:26 pm

Look SheriffRoscoe, my personal hero and Teabagging's Spiritual Founder, Archie Bunker said it first and best: "Relgion ain't about facts, it's about faith. Faith is something you believe that nobody in their right mind would believe." So there!

GinnehRED57 September 28, 2010 at 12:32 pm

Neener. 97% on the religion quiz. I still don't think the Bible belongs in a public school classroom, even if it's called "literature."

As for the rest of the quiz, I guess being a non-Mormon Job's Daughter from Utah who grew up in a mainline Protestant church influenced by Jonathan Edwards finally paid off. Where's my damn jet pack?

DemonicRage September 28, 2010 at 12:47 pm

Yes. Was having a senior moment when I typed that. Thanks.

PuckStopsHere September 28, 2010 at 2:01 pm

Uh, I'm going to go with 1) cause the whale was snackish and 2) on account of he pissed God off.

ShaveTheWhales September 28, 2010 at 3:04 pm

You express my reaction most eloquently. All I could think was "There are people who got some of these WRONG?"

(Except for the Jewish Sabbath — you might have to know an observant Jew for that one).

Redhead September 28, 2010 at 8:20 pm

I got the Jewish Sabbath one (and was raised Christian all my childhood, atheist now) but missed the Indonesia one. Go figure.

thefrontpage September 28, 2010 at 6:29 pm

Al Franken for Chief of Staff!

He's Jewish, too, so we keep a high-ranking Jewish person in the White House, which is important.

Bonzos_Bed_Time September 28, 2010 at 10:33 am

15 out of 15… go Team Atheism!

I learned everything about religion from Matt and Trey.

AccordionORama September 28, 2010 at 1:04 pm

I beat the quiz! I got half way through and it crashed. What do I win?

JMPEsq September 28, 2010 at 11:19 am

Here's my solution to make the White House more interesting: fire Robert Gibbs, replace him with Scarlett Johansson, watch interest in press briefings grow immensely.

fuflans September 28, 2010 at 11:27 am

by all accounts we will have an awesome number of repubs to amuse us until the rapture.

OneDollarJuana September 28, 2010 at 11:22 am

But Senator Franken is a Jew, no? And you know what they did to the defenseless baby Jebus!

OneDollarJuana September 28, 2010 at 11:29 am

Get real. Anyone who believes all that contradictory magical shit in the Bible is true is starting with a very short genetic deck. As the alchemists found out, you can't turn lead (ass) into gold (unless you're the Pastor of a large evangelical church, of course).

OneDollarJuana September 28, 2010 at 11:30 am

Rahm's the guy who fucked us over on the drug portion of health care "reform". The only cattle whipped into action were the health insurance stock market bulls.

DemmeFatale September 28, 2010 at 3:56 pm

I think he was painted as a Clinton hold-over, and was never allowed to be Rahmbo by this spineless group. I always somehow pictured him in chains. (But maybe I was reading this wrong.)
I was really looking forward to some congressional ass kicking, and wanted to see careers ended.

OneDollarJuana September 28, 2010 at 11:31 am

Or his brother. Man, I can't tell them apart on the radio at all.

OneDollarJuana September 28, 2010 at 11:34 am

You know, when I went to folk mass as a kid, Jesus tasted like ruby port and whole wheat bread. Yum!

SheriffRoscoe September 28, 2010 at 11:35 am

Did you know that some of us imagine that you are, in actuality, David Boies, prommie? Don't tell me! I don't want to know the truth!

PuckStopsHere September 28, 2010 at 1:58 pm

You are all that, yes, but so much more!

Bonzos_Bed_Time September 28, 2010 at 11:36 am


JMPEsq September 28, 2010 at 11:44 am

Sure you can turn lead into gold; all you need is to be in the heart of a supernova.

MarieDeGournay September 28, 2010 at 11:48 am

He'll send the devil to the Phantom Zone.

Jukesgrrl September 28, 2010 at 2:52 pm

I thought the answer was going to be Barack Obama.

Mindblank September 28, 2010 at 12:16 pm

Exactly. So many sources have covered this.

PuckStopsHere September 28, 2010 at 2:05 pm

You know what goes good with lamb? CHEESEY POTATOES!

Jukesgrrl September 28, 2010 at 2:55 pm

Either that, or win another World Series for the Yanquies.

DemmeFatale September 28, 2010 at 4:09 pm

Met him, (Brown), at a stem cell conference before he was elected. I remember thinking that he seemed way too nice to win, with his natural charm and gravelly voice, so I was elated when he took the prize.

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