Rahm Emanuel Finally Resigns For ‘Not Leaving Baby Trig Alone’

  it's morning in america

Goodbye, you Fuckers!

  • Rahm Emanuel quits! He is slated to leave for Chicago as early as this Friday — which means he’s probably loadin’ up his U-Haul at this very moment. This is pretty much headline news around the globe but we decided to give the “hat tip” to The Politico because they know who’s replacing Rahm. Leon Panetta! No, that doesn’t sound right. Maybe Tom Daschle? Maybe. What will probably happen is: Barack Obama will take Leon Panetta’s birth certificate, Tom Daschle’s noodle and John Podesta’s sexy hardbody and make a Chief of Staff Frankenstein Monster. That is our best guess. [The Politico]
  • A new survey has revealed that although most Americans claim to love American Jesus/God/Religion so much, few Americans have any idea what any of this stuff means. Writes the New York Times, “Americans are by all measures a deeply religious people, but they are also deeply ignorant about religion.” Ha ha, that’s racist right there, against white people. Roman Catholics at least know who this so-called Baby Jesus is, but few of them picked up the apparently crucial belief that the communion wafer and wine are literally supposed to turn into Jesus’ chopped up flesh and blood inside your mouth, to simulate the joys of cannibalism. Protestants, meanwhile, have no idea who Martin Luther was, or who broke Protestants away from Catholicism. (Hint: It was Martin Luther.) Atheists and agnostics know more about the religions of the world — including America’s Jesus religion — than any actually religious group with the exception of Mormons and Jews (who usually aren’t religious at all, in America, except the Haredi in Brooklyn.) [AP]
  • The House will vote on a Punish China bill, because uh, why does China force us (against our will!) to buy its drywall-tainted lead? America says no thank you. America also says, “Oh wow look at these crappy little plastic trinkets at the Dollar Tree Store! We will buy them all, yippee.” [McClatchy]

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Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

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30 comments

  1. SheriffRoscoe

    As a fundie kid, the subject of transubstantiation always intrigued me, because we (being the newer kids on the block, faithwise,) never believed that shit was literally true. But over the course of time, I researched and learned some amazing things. For instance, there was a time when debating and questioning the validity of the doctrine of turning bread and wine into actual flesh and blood would get a person tortured and probably killed. Then came the scientists with their atheist microscopes and the church was all 'oh yeah we always meant that figuratively, blah blah blah…'

    But beyond all that, it always amazed me that someone would think that eating a person's flesh and drinking their blood — even figuratively, was a cool thing to do. To me, it was some messed up shit. Thus began my long walk on the road to hell, for refusing to believe all that crazy without questioning it.

  2. Gopherit

    Lucky people of Chicago, having to try to pick the lesser of two evils. They'd be better off throwing Rahm and Daley in a cage with a knife. Two corrupt assholes enter, only one leaves.

  3. ttommyunger

    Look SheriffRoscoe, my personal hero and Teabagging's Spiritual Founder, Archie Bunker said it first and best: "Relgion ain't about facts, it's about faith. Faith is something you believe that nobody in their right mind would believe." So there!

  4. GinnehRED57

    Neener. 97% on the religion quiz. I still don't think the Bible belongs in a public school classroom, even if it's called "literature."

    As for the rest of the quiz, I guess being a non-Mormon Job's Daughter from Utah who grew up in a mainline Protestant church influenced by Jonathan Edwards finally paid off. Where's my damn jet pack?

  5. ShaveTheWhales

    You express my reaction most eloquently. All I could think was "There are people who got some of these WRONG?"

    (Except for the Jewish Sabbath — you might have to know an observant Jew for that one).

    1. Redhead

      I got the Jewish Sabbath one (and was raised Christian all my childhood, atheist now) but missed the Indonesia one. Go figure.

  6. thefrontpage

    Al Franken for Chief of Staff!

    He's Jewish, too, so we keep a high-ranking Jewish person in the White House, which is important.

  7. JMPEsq

    Here's my solution to make the White House more interesting: fire Robert Gibbs, replace him with Scarlett Johansson, watch interest in press briefings grow immensely.

  8. OneDollarJuana

    Get real. Anyone who believes all that contradictory magical shit in the Bible is true is starting with a very short genetic deck. As the alchemists found out, you can't turn lead (ass) into gold (unless you're the Pastor of a large evangelical church, of course).

  9. OneDollarJuana

    Rahm's the guy who fucked us over on the drug portion of health care "reform". The only cattle whipped into action were the health insurance stock market bulls.

  10. DemmeFatale

    I think he was painted as a Clinton hold-over, and was never allowed to be Rahmbo by this spineless group. I always somehow pictured him in chains. (But maybe I was reading this wrong.)
    I was really looking forward to some congressional ass kicking, and wanted to see careers ended.

  11. SheriffRoscoe

    Did you know that some of us imagine that you are, in actuality, David Boies, prommie? Don't tell me! I don't want to know the truth!

  12. DemmeFatale

    Met him, (Brown), at a stem cell conference before he was elected. I remember thinking that he seemed way too nice to win, with his natural charm and gravelly voice, so I was elated when he took the prize.

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