Rand Paul Doctor Club: Obama Elected By Literally Hypnotizing Voters

  people your hmo will send you to

Oh, of course Google Images would have a result for this dumb thing.Rand Paul does not believe in joining legitimate medical organizations that are the industry standard, so instead of joining the American Medical Association, he joined the Association of American Physicians and Surgeons, of which his father is also a member. Rand Paul likes to talk about this organization and how its literature informs the crap he says about medicine. But, interestingly, the AAPS publishes some weird literature! Like in 2007, when they said AIDS isn’t linked to HIV. And in 2008, they said Barack Obama was using hypnotism techniques to trick the American public into electing him.

The paper claims to examine Obama’s speeches “word by word, hand gesture by hand gesture, tone, pauses, body language, and proves his use of covert hypnosis intended only for licensed therapists on consenting patients.”

The AAPS article notes that the Obama campaign logo “might just be the letter ‘O,’ but it also resembles a crystal ball, a favorite of hypnotists.”

Of course! The crystal ball! Hypnotists like to tell patients they are going to tell their fortune on a crystal ball! That’s how hypnotism is usually done!

But what about the Jews?

And it suggests that hypnosis is the reason some Jewish people backed him.

Oh, there we go. Wouldn’t be a serious scholarly article without something about the Jewish race.

And blah blah blah, abortions immediately give women cancer, 9/11 could have been prevented by covering everything in asbestos, the end. [Courier-Journal]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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5 comments

  1. axmxz

    Hahahah, I have that paper! It has this sentence at the bottom of every one of its 67 hilarious pages:

    "EXPOSING OBAMA’S DECEPTION MAY BE THE ONLY WAY TO PROTECT DEMOCRACY"

    For extra lulz, here are some of the section titles:

    "Obama caught using one-finger subconscious hand gesture regarding Hillary"
    "Obama caught in another undeniable subconscious hand gesture regarding McCain"
    "Obama caught intentionally controlling pace in obvious attempt to maintain trance"
    "Obama’s unusual use of hand gestures as subconscious programming and hypnotic anchoring designed to be triggered in the voting booth on November 4th"
    "Obama caught clarifying his hand gesture as unmistakable hypnotic anchor of writing with pen (twice)"

    Twice, you guys! And this one's probably my favorite:

    "Obama’s technique of head turned to the right side in interviews described by body language expert as one of the most powerful subconscious manipulation techniques possible by a speaker’s body language"

    Here's a snippet from the 'paper's' conclusion:

    "Obama is beguiling us. He is hypnotizing us like sheep. Fooling us like children. The Obama phenomenon is essentially idol worship, caused by the well-studied and well-rehearsed mind control tricks of a man who is very clever, able to play the media, and thinks he has the right take the Presidency of the United States through such deceptive means. He takes it upon himself to decide he has the right to do so, and manipulate us without our knowledge by sidelining our rational judgment. What does such a person think of Americans?"

    Whatever he thinks, he clearly needs to adjust his opinion southward. Something is seriously wrong with a country where upwards of a quarter of its adult voting population would be easily persuaded by a paper that unloads 66 pages of pseudo-scientific obsessive bitter crap on the reader, then uses the phrase

    "The effects of his hypnosis must be cancelled out by people starting to take a rational look at who he is, including the media"

    to caption a Photoshopped picture of Obama with a cigarette in his mouth.

  2. Failure_Artist

    The World Trade Center did have asbestos in it. That was part of the problem for the first responders. Course, maybe we should have used more asbestos and wiped out all of New Jersey.

  3. Amo_of_Bogio

    I knew a hypnotist once. He was a lovely man even though he had a glass eye and a crystal ball.

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