When GOProud, the only American group catering to the feelings of wingnut butt goblins, announced that they were going to have a big “HomoCon” party this past weekend, the Internet said “whatever” and went back to fantasizing about Justin Bieber. When it was announced that the expired entertainer known as “Ann Coulter” would be headlining, and moreover that they were referring to her as “The Judy Garland of the Right,” the Internet stopped and laughed, as she, with her appearance, caused the Gayest Wingnut Slapfight Ever, as wingnuts of all shapes and sexual malfunctions sniped at each other over who Ann Coulter loves more: GOProud or the bigots? That was the question.
Well, now we have an answer! Ann Coulter loves the bigots more, because the HomoCon event has come and gone, and Megan Carpentier reports that Ann Coulter used her speech to talk about how The Gays suck even more than The Blacks, due to The Constitution:
In one of a series of racially insensitive remarks that pervaded her speech, Coulter added, “Marriage is not a civil right. You’re not black.” It was part of a larger argument on which she later elaborated, telling the crowd that the 14th Amendment only applies to African-Americans and that it does not, in fact, apply to women, LGBT people or other minorities.
Boo-yah!, said Coulter to the Teabagging Teabaggers! You aren’t even BLACK.
Later on, she suggested that the gays should really make friends with the anti-choice fetus-fetishists, because one day, they will find a gay gene (it is the one that can’t get the glitter fingernail polish out from under its nails), and then everybody will abort their faggot blastocysts, for Jesus. This, of course, does not make sense, as the only people who hate gays nowadays are social conservative lemmings, who happen to also be anti-choice fetus-fetishists, so unless Ann Coulter is implying that the “pro-lahfe” crowd is completely devoid of principles or the strength of their convictions ….
To be fair, TPM’s report states that some of the attendees were kind of disturbed by Ann’s racism and anti-gayness, which gives us maybe a little bit of hope for them, but hello, it’s not like she said anything she hasn’t said a bajillion times before. Her column last week was about how Reagan was awesome and Goldwater sucked dick because Reagan defended America’s right to hate gays and abortions.
Another weird moment came when Ann talked about fisting, right there on the stage:
Beverly Hills surgeon explains at home fix for crepey skin around the arms, legs, and stomach.
Coulter also made a forceful case against sex education in schools, accusing liberals of attempting to teach kindergartners about “fisting” (which garnered her a heckler, who shouted out “What’s wrong with fisting?”) and told the crowd that most parents didn’t want their children learning about the “homosexual lifestyle” instead of reading and writing.
AWKWARD! The tension was relieved when Ann Coulter said, “Haha, just kidding, there is nothing wrong with fisting!”, and then she taught the convention-goers how to fist each other in the shape of the Laffer Curve, and then everybody trickled down onto everybody else, and that was the end of HomoCon.
Your Wonkette reporter of the homosexuals, who is a real journalist, wanted to get down to the bottom of things, so he sat down with GOProud Chairman of the Board Chris Barron, on Twitter, and asked him the important questions. Barron was, of course, still titillated from the excitement of the big event:
Enter a Real Journalist, with a Gotcha question:
Barron asserted that his abs are also hard, and could you all please give him all the attention he desires? So anyway, do not tread on Chris Barron’s nipples, please, for they are agents of freedom and liberty!
And this, of course, is the problem with the Homosexual Menace in America, when two people who are supposed to hate each other’s guts can’t even have a healthy, abusive fight about politics, but instead end up reaching around the aisle and talking about hard nipples, like a bunch of bonobos. (Take that, Megan McArdle.)
Anyway, we await next year’s HomoCon with bated breath! Who will the keynote speaker be? Fred Phelps? Mahmoud Ahmedinejad? A wad of Anita Bryant’s exfoliated grundle shavings on a platter? Only time will tell.