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Rumor Thing Accuses John Boehner of Boning Lobbyist

Look what you did, rumor. You ruined America.It appears that a rumor about John Boehner having an affair with a lobbyist is forming out of thin air after some Daily Kos guy said it was a rumor, so now it is a rumor. The New York Post got to the bottom of this thing: It’s a liberal blogger/media conspiracy to take down Boehner. “‘Catching Boehner with a mistress is the only way to destroy him politically before the election,’ a source said.” Oh yes, that Boehner is rock hard! Nothing can defeat it except an affair, as it is a very good leader. So who exactly is going to take down Boehner? That evil Jew York Times, of course.

Insiders on Capitol Hill are buzzing about an upcoming New York Times exposé that will detail an alleged Boehner affair. Sources say the Times is looking for the right time to drop the story in October to sway the election

Always looking to sway elections, that New York Times. It is widely read by the Ohioans and conservative Republicans who give Boehner his job.

Sources tell us that if the New York Times does not end up printing this giant Boehner expose right before midterm voting, the New York Post will immediately cease publication forever, out of embarrassment for printing something that turned out to be incorrect.

Bleepers! Bullbleep! [Salon/NYP]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  • housbinfarteen

    Time for Orange Julius to step down. Michelle Bachman would be the most entertaining replacement.