country crock

Erick Erickson Wishes Republican Party Would Feed Him More Butter

Has really gotten the hang of how to blog.Boo! Why did the Republican Party have to come out this morning with a list of “policies” and “beliefs”? That’s no fun. The only policy they need is “the economy sucks and your president doesn’t look like you,” but John Boehner decided to write up a big “Pledge for America” because he has never accomplished anything with words in his life. Erick Erickson is very mad about this. And he’s going to stage a coup to take the House speakership for himself. With butter.

I have one message for John Boehner, Eric Cantor, and the House GOP Leadership: If they do not want to use the GOP to lead, I would like to borrow it for a time.

The Democratic Party would probably also like Erick Erickson to borrow the Republican Party for a time. As would we, for hilarity.

Yes, yes, it is full of mom tested, kid approved pablum that will make certain hearts on the right sing in solidarity. But like a diet full of sugar, it will actually do nothing but keep making Washington fatter before we crash from the sugar high.

It is dreck — dreck with some stuff I like, but like Brussels sprouts in butter. I like the butter, not the Brussels sprouts.

So, sugar will make you fat, so we can’t have that. But you shouldn’t eat vegetables, because they don’t taste good. So you should only eat butter, which is why Erick Erickson’s daily diet plan looks like this:

7:00 AM BREAKFAST: Butter, topped with granola.
10:30 AM MID-MORNING SNACK: Butter-buttermilk smoothie.
1:00 PM LUNCH: Butter.
3:00 PM AFTERNOON SNACK: Stick of butter on a single Cheez-It.
7:00 PM DINNER: Butterstick the panda, in a giant bowl of melted butter.

But doesn’t butter also make you fat? No, it doesn’t have sugar in it.

I will vote Republican in November of 2010. But I will not carry their stagnant water.

Except you will. Or you will lose your job as “Republican pundit.” [RedState]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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