orifices over there

Heterosexuality Safe For Now As Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Filibuster Succeeds

What? That's illegal. FAKE. Oh, and gay.THE SYSTEM WORKS! America can sleep soundly tonight knowing that our nation’s servicemen do not want to have sex with each other — at least not for a few more months. The Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell repeal bill before the Senate failed its cloture vote this afternoon 56-43. Mark Pryor and Blanche Lincoln voted against cloture, because Blanche Lincoln wants to her children to remember that she stood against equality just before being soundly defeated in her final bid for re-election. And congratulations to John McCain, who thought he lost the presidency to Barack Obama! Sure, he lost the presidency of the United States, but now John McCain is officially President of Gay Troops John McCain, even though Obama may soon take that job too.

Republican senators, including Sens. John McCain (AZ) and Susan Collins (ME), argued that passing repeal now would undermine the Defense Department’s review of the policy, which won’t be completed until December.

So surely they will vote to pass this when that review comes out and says gays should be allowed to serve openly in the military. Surely. John McCain especially.

But meanwhile, the straights of this country can take solace in knowing they are still, temporarily, allowed to have sex with one another and get married. In a few months, though, they will have to register for the draft as America transitions to an all-gay military. [TPM]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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