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Chuck Norris’ Money Priest Restores Christianity to Liberty Bell

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As you know, Chuck Norris is so holy he needs a personal chaplain to keep himself bathed in the divine light of Jesus Christ/Charlton Heston at all times. But this pastor, Todd DuBord, also has another hobby: crusading for the rights of our nation’s Liberty Beaus to be retroactively Christianized:

A Christian chaplain has written to officials at the nation’s historic Independence Hall in Philadelphia asking them to provide a better experience for visitors after a tour guide there discounted the Christian beliefs of the Founders, saying, “Washington didn’t even go to church.”

The letter from Pastor Todd DuBord, now the chaplain for the enterprises of actor, martial arts champion and philanthropist Chuck Norris, was sent to the superintendent of Independence National Historical Park in Philadelphia, where some of the nation’s founding documents were assembled and where the Liberty Bell now is exhibited.

To clarify: George Washington, like many other of our founding slave owners, was a Deist, which is like the old-timey version of Atheism except with more clock-making, so it makes sense that history needs to change that around.


About the author

Benjamin Frisch is a comic book artist, and sometimes journalist currently habituating somewhere on the elitist liberal east coast of the United States. His published works include a short lived, but beloved cross-dressing comic strip entitled Maurice Antoinette and some other stuff not worth mentioning. As a journalist, Benjamin somehow contributed to National Public Radio, with his story At the Concert Hall, a Symphony for Space Invaders. Benjamin is currently delaying adulthood as a graduate student, and plans to remain one forever. He can be twittered at

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