Real Americans know that they are living in the Greatest Country in the World, no matter how many hours they spend in the unemployment line, because that’s just how it is, forever. So why does Michelle Obama, the wife of our President and part-owner of First Dog, Bo, think that she is living in hell? Is it because DC gets hot in the summer? Is it because the guy in charge (Fenty? the Devil?) is so scary? Maybe it’s because one day, Michelle Obama was at home in Chicago making a low-calorie organic smoothie when her husband came home and told her he was running for president — even though this was good news because all Michelle would have to do is look pretty and pick something non-partisan to champion, like curing fat children. And so she said, “Okay, as long as I am allowed to go on a brief vacation to Europe!” But as it turns out, vacations are not allowed, looking pretty is for old French monarchs, and curing fat children will lead to riots in the streets, for French fries. So, is the life of the FLOTUS really Hell?
Last Monday, our FLOTUS asked the restaurant industry to make it easier for people to eat carrots in restaurants, which prompted the Second Coming of Jesus Christ to go on his usual program the following day to shout at his disciples, “Michelle Obama … friots … Homer Simpson … Children’s Tylenol kills!” And his disciples nodded in agreement while shoveling pork rinds into their mouths, because it’s difficult to do much else when you are being swallowed by your furniture.
But before Michelle could bench-press something in retaliation, some British newspaper broke the startling news that a younger but similarly powerful deity — Justin Drew Bieber — has lust in his heart and, more specifically, on his bedroom wall, for our FLOTUS, which probably means he wants to make her his “shorty,” or whatever the kids call it these days.
And just when Michelle thought that her biggest problem of the week would be potential Twitter threats from Bieber’s Army, Chalkboard Jesus hosted an event in a suburb of Chicago, where he described how he would use carrots to do terrible, terrible things to our First Lady.
“Get away from my french fries, Mrs. Obama,” Beck warned. “First politician that comes up to me with a carrot stick, I’ve got a place for it. And it’s not in my tummy.”
Michelle’s only real consolation for the week was that “frizzy-haired exercise guru” Richard Simmons is desperate to help Michelle and America’s children, because he has “talked to more overweight people than anybody,” and he can save them, with Michelle’s help, of course! He wants to “maybe even cut a video with her.” Hopefully our FLOTUS can escape hell and make this exercise video happen ASAP! Michelle’s fans will be waiting, in spandex shorts. [Chicago Sun-Times & US NEWS & World Report]
Blair Burke (email@example.com) obsessively follows Michelle Obama’s every move for “The FLOTUS Files,” which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.
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