better than hanukkah?

Let’s All Celebrate Constitution Day With Orrin Hatch!

The Constitution, pictured here with its two original authors.Wow, Constitution Day is already here? Looks like the holiday season that began last week with 9/11 is nearly over and we all will have to go back to work soon. So what do we do on Constitution Day? BLASPHEME! This holiday was created in 2004 when the late Robert Byrd stuck it into a spending bill and nobody cared. That funding bill mandates schools that receive federal funds to teach children on this day how to have safe sex with a copy of the Constitution. For further clarification, Orrin Hatch posted an article about this on The Corner today, where he is apparently the newest member of their crack blogging team. So you can imagine Orrin Hatch having a ménage à trois with Jonah Goldberg and Kathryn Jean Lopez… now.

Apparently, Hatch doesn’t realize all Corner posts are supposed to be five words long or less and in “reply” to something, save the daily posts about their exciting cruise with wingnut authors. But that’s okay, your afternoon editor had the same sort of problem when he started at your Wonkette. He also did a patriot holiday-themed post on his first day. Coincidence!

Rap to us, Hatch.

These days, some treat the Constitution as if it were something like the J. Crew catalog, reflecting only the shifting and morphing tastes and fads of the moment.

Haha, that J. Crew catalog scares the Mormon out of Orrin! Lady Gaga probably gets all of her outfits from that thing. That catalog is always changing as crazy new fads develop.

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Understanding the true relevance of the Constitution comes only after understanding the true nature of the Constitution. And that can come only by, as Madison said, recurring to principles. The Declaration of Independence lays the foundation of these principles, or what it calls self-evident truths. These include that government derives its powers from the consent of the governed, that government exists to secure unalienable rights, and that the people have the power to alter or to abolish government.

Oh, okay. So the Constitution is primarily written so that the U.S. Government can be abolished. It’s had a pretty long life for a self-defeating document. But, whatever you say, Hatch. We will overthrow you and your colleagues and descend into anarchy if that’s what you want.

And then, of course, Hatch goes on to talk about health care reform and such. That health law is pissing in Ben Franklin’s face! Yes, Ben liked that sort of thing, but it’s still wrong to do that, according to the greatest American of all, the angel Moroni.

So what should you do to celebrate Constitution Day? Murder someone with a firearm, obviously. Drink alcohol for 16 hours, then stop for an hour and raise your fist at it, then resume drinking until midnight. And, of course, treat black people as three-fifths of the way you treat everyone else. (FOR VOTING PURPOSES ONLY, JEEZ.) [The Corner]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Hola wonkerados.

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