Your Consumer Reeducation Begins TODAY!

• Barack Obama will finally announce sometime today that Elizabeth Warren is America's new consumer-advocate czar. Warren will be appointed as a "special adviser" to the Consumer Protection Bureau. And because Warren is just doin' some harmless consulting work, there is no need for a Senate confirmation hearing, which is excellent because we all know that would have been a mess. So hooray, Elizabeth Warren will help you understand your monthly credit card debt-statement and your soul-crushing mortgage. Soon you will be begging Elizabeth Warren to stop, because if you are financially literate, how can you apply for credit cards you don't need or send in your Cash4Gold without feeling a little guilty? [ Boston Herald ]

• A fleet of fancy Global Hawk drones has emigrated to Guam, because death robots are entitled to their own homeland, just like the Zionists. But also we think these drones are conducting "surveillance and reconnaissance," which means they are probably blowing up Chamorro weddings with rocket-propelled webcams. [ Fox News ]

• Voting along party lines (haha, obviously), the Senate finally passed a plan that would provide small businesses with tax breaks and better access to credit. Why was this so difficult to pass, considering Republicans are gay-married to tax cuts? Because "small businesses" could mean "immigrant shoe cobblers," and why would anyone want to help that kind of filth? [ McClatchy ]