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Facebook is basically ruining every single marriage, because it’s impossible to just be friends with someone on the internet — inevitably you always end up fingerbanging them (or “poking” them). You have 500 Facebook friends, you say? Well that’s 500 fingerbangs! Repent, adulterous slimeball:

We all know how the story goes: Boy meets girl. Boy loses girl—blah, blah, blah. Save that version for Hollywood. How about this one? Boy meets girl. Boy loses girl. Boy grows up and marries someone else. But then Boy rekindles the friendship with his former flame on Facebook—and ends up totally wrecking his marriage.

I’m hearing this real-life story more often: A tale of high school sweethearts trying to go “back to the future,” only to realize they should have been content to leave those memories in that old shoebox in storage.

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