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They will eat your heart.Forget the brown menace slithering out of Mexico under border fences and over the dead bodies of hardworking American fat people. There’s a new Satan in town, and this wolf eschews the clothing of sheep in favor of the sexxxay apparel preferred by 17th-century Swiss Anabaptists. Yes, the descendants of Jakob Ammann are coming to your town, and they WILL churn their butter and practice nonviolence. Land prices and the bad economy have driven these evildoers West, and their particular Manifest Destiny is to quietly and passively destroy the very fabric of Real AmeriKKKan society.

Here’s your USA Today with the terrifying report:

The Amish population is growing and embarking on a westward migration that has now reached as far as Colorado, South Dakota and Montana, according to an annual survey by Elizabethtown College in Pennsylvania, which tracks the Amish.

In the past year, the North American Amish population has grown 5%, an increase from 237,500 in 2009 to 249,500 today, the survey found.

These sick bastards, with their horses and buggies and devotion to Christ, technically are conservative Christian fundamentalists. But their behavior reveals a lack of fealty to the cause. According to Professor Donald Kraybill, who tracks these sinister bonnet-goblins, the Amish “generally are not interested in any kind of publicity or public attention and they basically take that from Jesus’ teachings not to practice their religion in public and not to seek public attention.” In this way they betray the mission of such True Christ Warriors as Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, and Pastor Rick Warren.

Behold this eyewitness testimony from a terrified survivor of an Amish attack:

“They’re curious children, and not shy like I would expect them to be,” says a neighbor, Phyllis Dewald. “When we visited their farm, the children came from all directions and buildings. They’re very nice people.”

This is exactly what everyone said about the Taliban, at first. [USAT]

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