Media Cannot Stop Reporting That Elizabeth Warren Has Been Given Job

  purgatory for purgatory's sake

FAKESince the eighth year A.N.E. (After 9/11), Elizabeth Warren has been maybe going to be appointed director of the new Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. But is she going to be appointed it now? Or… now? Probably… now. No, she’s definitely going to be appointed it riiiiight… now. NO. RIGHT NOW. The latest case came this morning, when reporters thought they heard some guy say something on an airplane about it. Does the media have to stage a coup and take control of our government so they can get this annoying Warren appointment out of the way?

The White House released a statement:

Elizabeth Warren has been a stalwart voice for American consumers and families and she was the architect of the idea that became the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. The President will have more to say about the agency and its mission soon.

Obviously the White House is just having fun with this. There probably never was a “Consumer Financial Protection Bureau.” Or an “Elizabeth Warren.” Or a “Barack Obama.” SUCKERS!

The best journalism is the kind that lets you know something will happen at some point, maybe. Reporting things that actually happen is a distant third. (After Justin Bieber factoids.) [TPM]

 
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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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