Your Wonkette reporter of The Homosexuals is back bearing good news, or as they like to call it in church, “a new gospel”: All of the world’s lesbians have been fully repented for! This happened last week, in Sacramento, at a big Jesus party thrown by My Boyfriend Lou Engle. Though he has failed utterly in his mission from God to save San Francisco from Chadd, the three-story-tall homosexual Jesus giant, Lou called in a crazy Jeebus lady named Cindy Jacobs to take care of all the lesbians, and oh boy, did she ever!
Skeptical readers might say, “Well, I imagine that repenting for all the lesbians involves a lot of speaking in tongues, if you know whadda mean,” but NO, you perverts! All she had to do was yell sweet nothings at the clouds for a little bit, and she was done!
Here is a video of her magical prayer:
First of all, it is rare to find a person willing to speak of the sin we all have committed at one point or another: Doing the dirty-dirty with ALL the various genders until we find one whose Down-Theres look like our very own! From this point forward, we will simply look at the Wikipedia to figure out whether we have man-balls or lady-balls. Praise Cindy of Nazareth!
Moreover, it’s heartening to finally have an answer as to why Britney Spears has been all a-trouble these many years. It was all due to the time Madonna transmitted her homosexual 9/11 juice to Britney, via kissyface, on the television. This sin spittle apparently never affected Madonna’s career, which means she is a carrier, so ladies, watch out!
One would think it was a big enough accomplishment to have washed the stain of dirty, dirty, OMG so sexy sin from all the lezzies in just two minutes, but Cindy was not done shouting her viscous, incoherent word salad in the general direction of birds, as she had another mission from God to fulfill: SAVING THE VERY INTERNETS.
Readers familiar with the more sexytime parts of the internet are probably still catatonic over Craigslist’s mysterious shuttering of its “adult services” section. No official explanation was given at the time, but now the answer is at hand: Cindy did it! She was just standing there on stage, chillin’, and she decided to talk with the Lord about The Internets, and when Cindy speaks, Jeebus hits “close tab” and listens.
Here is the announcement of this latest triumph over darkness, in video and word form:
Huzzah! No more naked sexting with hookers on the Craigslist, no more problems for Britney, and the Great American Scissor Scourge has finally come to an end!