There Will Be Terrorist Attack Next 9/11 Even If Marc Thiessen Has To Do It Himself

  people who want to get some of that nostradamus e-mail ink

He will win the Super Bowl of predicting terrorist attacks. We should make up one of those betting table things where you buy squares for what the score will be.Marc Thiessen has made his Joe Namath guarantee: There WILL be an al-Qaeda attack on America next year when 9/11 turns the “big one-oh.” How does Thiessen know this? Is he a member of al-Qaeda? Perhaps. But if he is not now, he will be soon, because he needs to infiltrate them to MAKE SURE they are working on a plan to do some terrorism next year. Plus, al-Qaeda probably gives you a cool letterman’s jacket with your name on it when you join. Anyway, everyone who does not think that a terrorist attack will happen on that day is DEAD WRONG, because the terrorists pretty much have to do one, right?

We are less than a year away from the 10th anniversary of the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks. As that milestone approaches, a dangerous view is taking hold in Washington that al-Qaeda no longer has the intent or capability to repeat the devastation of that terrible day. In February, Vice President Joe Biden announced that “the idea of there being a massive attack in the United States like 9/11 is unlikely, in my view” and that we need only worry about “small bore” attacks.

Wow, Joe Biden said something about terrorism in February. But it’s best to wait seven months to write about it in a newspaper. You wouldn’t want the opinion columns in that thing to have relevance to the news of the day! What do you think the Washington Post is, a blog?

Thiessen goes on to note that some guy in al-Qaeda is an American. So that guy definitely knows how important the stupid 9/11 anniversary is to America. Thus, TERRORISM ON 9/11/11. “Double the 11! Double the terrorism! Double the fun!™”

But that American dude may actually be Marc Thiessen’s only hope that al-Qaeda does terrorism on next year’s anniversary. Because America, like a sitcom housewife, is always remembering this 9/11 anniversary and treats it like a huge holiday. Al-Qaeda, like a sitcom husband, never remembers it, and seems to think doing terrorism on other days is just as effective.

 
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What we all really want is al-Qaeda to just ACKNOWLEDGE US and our love for 9/11 by doing a little terrorist attack for us, okay? THAT’S ALL WE ASK.

Please, al-Qaeda, do a terrorist attack on 9/11 next year. Little Marc Thiessen has held out hope for nine years that you will do one, and we don’t want you to crush his dreams. He has cancer, okay? And a terrorist attack next year is his Make-a-Wish wish.

Really, though, isn’t it more likely that al-Qaeda will do an attack on 9/11′s 13th birthday, if they ever do one at all? That’s because our little 9/11 will be having its Bar Mitzvah then and will officially become a Jewish man. [WP]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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