Demon-Congress Returns, Will Probably Raise Your Taxes

• Congress' childish "recess" is over, which means all of your favorite politicians are returning to our nation's Swamp Capital, in their private jumbo jets. We imagine they are glad to be back in Washington, where they do not have to talk to the Real Americans back home who are concerned about "the Mosks, the Messicans, and the Hamas Babies." And of course just about every Congressperson has it wrong on all of these issues, so don't act surprised when the Democrats gets butt-paddled in November. But what does this do-nothing commie legislature have scheduled until then? They will argue about tax cuts for rich people, and also maybe impeach Charlie Rangel. So: Welcome back Congress. [ Fox News ]

• Chirstmas cockbomber Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab is going to court! Apparently his attorneys are trying to work out some sort of deal so that Umar can spend the rest of his life in a normal maximum security penitentiary, instead of being shipped off to some CIA rape prison in Lithuania. (We're not actually sure if this is the "deal," but if it isn't, shouldn't it be?) [ CNN ]

• Afghans are going to the polls on Saturday, so that they can vote for their favorite Tea Party candidates and kick the slimy Democrats (The Party of Karzai) out of office. Afghanistan's democracy has really blossomed, with all of its violence at the polls and enormous political/opium corruption. [ McClatchy ]