time to move to the moon

John Bolton Maybe Running For President of Bombing Iran

ENVY.Remember when John Bolton blushed like the most flattered debutante when Tucker Carlson’s bow-tie gnomes begged him to run for president? (To forget this moment would be tantamount to “forgetting to give your girlfriend something nice for 9/11.”) John Bolton told the Daily Caller he couldn’t say for sure if he would consider thinking about running for president. But that was like two weeks ago, things have changed! If you need proof: John Bolton went on teevee and announced to the world that he is “thinking about” running for President. And then John Bolton combed his greasy mustache with his slimy tentacle fingers and belched, “Ahm a drunken walrus who hates A-rabs!'”

But that quote was taken completely out of context. Here is what John Bolton said about him thinking about running for president, in context, as reported by an actual newspaper:

“I am thinking about it because I think legitimate issues of national security should be more at the center of the national debate than they have been for the last two years,” Bolton said on “Varney and Co.” on the Fox Business Network.

Yes, John Bolton has been doin’ a lot of thinking. He has decided, after thinking a lot, that he still wants to bomb all the brown people in Iran more than anything in the entire world, even if they’re not technically “A-rabs.” Oh wait sorry John Bolton is actually concerned about “legitimate issues of national security,” and that is why he “thinks” he wants to be your next president. Because John Bolton stays up late every night, worrying about your safety/masturbating to pictures of dead Arabs/Iranians from his extensive “dead brown-ish people spank bank zip drive.” But recently John Bolton has been getting serious blue balls, with all this hippie talk of not wanting to start yet another pointless, endless war in a country most Americans can’t even find on Google Maps.

So won’t you please make John Bolton president, so he can keep you safe/finally experience the sexual climax he so desperately yearns for? [The Hill]

About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

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