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House Hopeful Says Girl Scouts Are Lesbortionists

Samoas = wanton celebration of orificesDespite the encouraging fact that your President Obama hates the Girl Scouts, Real AmeriKKKA knows that this lady-driven NGO is just a haven for rug-munching, carpet-licking, hole-fisting feminazis! Or at least that’s what Republican Hans Zeiger, House candidate from Washington, wrote once, on these very Internets! Yes, it seems this handsome twentysomething gent with the Palinesque spectacles (who serves as an Assistant Scoutmaster in the totally non-rapey Boy Scouts of America!) hates little girls and their dreams. And man, is he pissed that the bitches get all the good press! Here’s a gem from a few years ago:

One might wonder why the Girl Scouts have been spared the painful attacks that have been launched upon the Boy Scouts by the Left in recent years. The reasons are simple: the Girl Scouts allow homosexuals and atheists to join their ranks, and they have become a pro-abortion, feminist training corps. … If the Girl Scouts of America can’t get back to teaching real character, perhaps it will be time to look for our cookies elsewhere.

Here’s another bit of vintage Zeiger awesomeness, just in time for Back to School!

I spent most of my K-12 education at my local government indoctrination center. I was also home schooled during the seventh and eighth grades. The corridors and classrooms of the modern public school are so polluted with the filth of moral relativism that the typical public high school graduate moves into the world devoid of character, conscience or courage.

To be fair, anyone who has ever taught in a public high school knows that Zeiger is 115% percent correct.

These and other hilarious musings were recently removed from Zeiger’s bully pulpit of choice, Intellectual Conservative.

Oh BTW, Hans says he totally was being overdramatic and doesn’t totally necessarily feel exactly the same way today. Which means that right now, he is hate-fucking a box of Thin Mints. If he is any kind of Real AmeriKKKan, he put this box in the freezer first. Hans Zeiger, good luck getting your cock unstuck from the frozen product of feminazi abortionism. The delicious secret ingredient is PEOPLE. PRE-BORN PEOPLE! [Feministing/News Tribune]

About the author

Sara Benincasa is an award-winning comedian, writer and radio talk show host. Her outspoken, sexually-charged comedy has won praise from the Chicago Tribune, CNN, The Guardian, and The New York Times, and has earned her an ECNY (Emerging Comedian of New York) Award and a Webby nomination. Her memoir, "Agorafabulous!: Dispatches From My Bedroom," (William Morrow/HarperCollins), was based on her critically acclaimed solo show about panic attacks and agoraphobia. She is currently working on a novel for young adults.

View all articles by Sara Benincasa
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