- An internal investigation conducted by BP has concluded that it can start drilling again immediately, hooray! Oh and also “Team BP” did nothing wrong, at all, and so if you Americans still need someone or something to pay for the stuff in the ocean, sue the oil rig owner Transocean or the chavs at Halliburton, because you can always blame Halliburton. But yes, this investigation exonerates BP, which did nothing wrong and was probably just enjoying a nice cup of tea while Transocean and Halliburton took turns throwing depth charges down Deepwater Horizon’s oil well to “see what would happen.” Whatever. At least Tony Hayward has his life back, sitting on his yacht in Siberia. [CNN]
- Three hundred protesters pelted a Los Angeles police station with eggs and rocks after a drunken Guatemalan immigrant celebrating Unemployment Day Weekend was shot dead by a policeman riding a bicycle, because apparently this bicycle policeman saw a Guatemalan immigrant. How will this notoriously racist and horrible organization of badge-carrying thugs convince the people of Los Angeles to trust them, again? Police Chief Charlie Beck is promising an “exhaustive investigation” into the incident, and by “exhaustive” he means “until I get tired of investigating and go to bed, which will be tonight.” [Fox News]
- George Bush refuses to criticize Barack Obama, because c’mon, he’s better than that. If you ask George Bush what he thinks about Barack Obama’s socialist economy, George Bush will answer with a proverb, something like, “Well, as long as he likes the Texas Rangers.” Yeah, basically George Bush just doesn’t give a fuck! [McClatchy]
- The Bush tax cuts are going to expire at the end of the year, for everybody, and communist liberals only want them to expire for capitalists who make more than $250,000 a year. Republicans would rather nobody paid taxes of any sort, and that Obama crawl into a hole and die. Obama is going to stand firm on the “tax the rich” point, though maybe he’s willing to compromise on the “crawl into a hole” issue. [WP]
- Lisa Murkowski is still “in this game”! The “game” here is running for Senator from Alaska. She was going to quit, but then she got a bunch of letters from supporters and realized how beloved she was. Will she run as a write-in candidate, or a Libertarian? Or is she just pulling our chains? [Fox]
April 17, 2014
BP Blameless, According To BP Internal Investigation
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