Tim Pawlenty Bravely Refuses Obama's Offer Of Crack Cocaine

You might recall that Tim Pawlenty distinguished himself this week by turning down federal sex-ed money and then money for health care for children. You probably think that this is just because Tim Pawlenty loves the thought of Minnesota's young people catching sex diseases and then not being able to cure them, because they don't have health insurance. That may well be true, but he also has a higher-minded reason: he needs to get Minnesota off the crack rock, and if a few kids have to get pregnant and/or die in the process, well, that's a small price to pay.

Tim Pawlenty, who totally has not decided whether he's running for president, just happened to be on Fox News' Your World With Neil Cavuto (maybe he wandered into the studio by mistake, looking for the place where you bring back federal money you don't want?) and had this to say, about federal money and the taking of it:

Instead of all just running around saying, "We'll take the money because it's free money," let's call it what it is: The federal government is basically a drug dealer trying to give out free samples, or give people a taste, get them further addicted. And I think we just say: "No, thanks, we've had enough, and get your own house in order, by the way, at the same time."

It's true that the thrill one gets from seeing healthy children and non-crumbling infrastructure in one's state is better than the high one gets from the finest opium from the mystic East. However, we might take issue with the idea that these federal handouts are "free samples," since, last we checked, Minnesotans were still required to pay federal taxes. It's more as if your local drug dealer extracted money from everyone on your block, but then you refused his weekly handouts of crack cocaine that was purchased and cooked up using those extracted moneys. Oh, and also, in this analogy, "crack cocaine" is not a dangerous drug that can kill you, but is instead something that's actually good. So it's like you're giving your drug dealer money but not accepting the delicious, nutritious food that he delivers, with his "meals on wheels" service.

But whatever, Tim Pawlenty "just says no" to food that he didn't grow himself. Maybe Minnesota will be a crappier place as a result, but what does he care, he'll be in D.C. in a couple years anyway. See ya, Fargo -gnomes! [ AP ]